Spider-Man #1 – Master Plan

I have no idea what this book is going to be about as a I pick it up, but as I’m still riding that Spider-Man Homecoming high, I just don’t even care at this point, because if it has Spider-Man on it I want to get my hands on it!

The cover is classic Spidey web-slinging through the city with a masked goon behind him and there’s a menacing man in a black mask and a shnazzy hat in the background watching over him… ya know, menacingly. Menace. Menace. Now it just sounds and looks wrong right?

According to the intro, Peter Parker is still in high school, so I’m guessing this comic book is movie influenced. Them writers givin the people what they want. I get it. Like, if you saw that movie and loved it and decided hey, I’m going to start reading comic books and then you picked up something where he is damn near thirty and divorced you’d be like wha?

Okay, so after the first few pages you’re not going to believe this, but Spidey saves a car from these two burglars and he’s squatting on top of it in the alley while the owner runs up and calls him a, JUST GUESS! A MENACE. I write as I am reading and that slayed me. Oh, you don’t think that’s funny? You are wrong.

Anyways, Spider-Man is slinging through town stopping a butt-load of crimes, he’s definitely going to be late to the show he was heading towards. It’s literally crime after crime after crime so Peter decides to ask one of the goons what’s up, and it turns out every criminal in the english-speaking world (and some dutch) got anonymous tips to do their crimes all around the city…except…and thanks to Spidey’s special suit that has the internet for some reason…he realizes there are no crimes around Stark Tower.

BAM! That’s where he’s got to go.

Spider-Man can’t help but stop every crime he sees along the way though. That is so classic Spider-Man, but I never realized how annoying that is about him. Like, let some shit go. If Aunt May told you to meet her at 7pm for dinner, meet her at 7pm for dinner don’t go around following that spidey-sense of yours until 8:15, old ladies can’t eat that late!

Spider-Man finally makes it to Stark Tower and he IMMEDIATELY finds the bandit. The bad guy was legit on the same floor that Spider-Man lept into. How many floors are in that place? And how lucky are you to hop in through the exact window that faces a Stark vault? How well does this spidey-sense of his really work? And do you remember my Superior Spider-Man recap?! If you don’t, Black Widow downloaded his p owers so they could be copied and gave them to S.H.I.E.L.D.! Are you feeling the same anxiety I am feeling, yet??

giphy-downsized (1)
Hmmm…maybe there’s nothing to worry about after all.

Spidey battles Crime Master, as we all scratch our heads and wonder how Stark Tower could be left so heavily unguarded that one nerd wearing, in what I can only imagine is, a sock on his head, could break in followed by a guy dressed in bright red and blue pajamas and nobody bats an eyelash. Iron Man? Nowhere to be seen. Happy? Not around. The Avengers? Nope! Maybe they’re in space! Who knows!?

crime master
sock face

Peter ends up missing the show he wanted to see and already bought the ticket for, and this makes me really sad. He keeps talking about “looking at the bright side” through his disappointment as he slumps away with the most disappointed of faces and I want to burst into tears. I just want this little boy to have a normal life! Does anyone care?!

Then he saves a cat in a tree and gets insulted by a fat kid.

AND THAT’S HOW THEY ENDED THE COMIC!

Seriously. We got trolled.

Thankfully they peppered in an extra little story with an excerpted reprint of when the original Spider-Man fought the vulture in 1963.

I won’t bore you with the details, but at the end of the issue Peter sells his Vulture/Spider-Man battle photos to J.Jonah Jameson for a crap ton of money. So much money, in fact, that he pays the rent on his Aunt May’s place in Queens for an entire year.

I have decided I would like to get into the business of photography now that this information has become available to me. 

nerd
Can I take some pics of you? It’s for my spank-ba…I mean the school newspaper.

 

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