Dead no more : The clone conspiracy

This #1 issue is an “Amazing Spider-Man” special event that you’ve probably already read, and if you haven’t, I’ll let you know if you should pick it up.

Wow. That sounded presumptuous. 

In this universe Peter Parker has his own business called Parker industries and “has offices around the world and San Francisco.” This I got straight from the introduction… Why San Francisco doesn’t count as part of “the world” we may never know

The story begins with the funeral of Jay Jameson and Peter is brooding in the corner thinking of all the people in his life whom he has lost. Jay Jameson is the father of J.Jonah Jameson and was the second? Third? (did she ever marry doc ock?)  husband of Peter’s Aunt May. As Peter reminisces about all the people he has had a hand in their death of, Peter reminds himself that Jay was old and died of natural causes. That is until J. Jonah Jameson calls him out and says Peter talked Jay out of using a new science experiment that would have saved his life. Damn. Peter Parker sort of kills a lot of people. Must be his karma for never killing bad guys.

Long story short he talked him out of the procedure because he knew one guy who got it and his Spidey sense went off when he shook his hand. THAT WAS IT.

Great job, Parker.

Peter also has a new sidekick and she is a little person and they decide to pay a visit to the guy who had the procedure to get some closure. Boy, this closure is immediate. There is already trouble. The guy, Jerry, has been abducted and his wife fears she won’t get him back. Apparently Jerry didn’t take his daily pills and had a meltdown. Literally of cellular degradation. Cute. So now Parker and his little friend, Anna Maria Marconi, are on the case. As they drive away Peter’s spidey senses fail him as there is a shadowed figure hanging out by a tree in front of Jerry’s house, and the figure has claws. I should mention that.

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WHO DAT!?

Okay, next up, they head over to New U Headquarters which is… IN SAN FRANCISCO.

I get it now.

What I like about Spider-Man’s adventures is that at the end of the day he is a scientist and an inventor. He has brand new web shooters that can cut through steel, he has spider-bugs that can trace his enemies, and he’s always experimenting on something he found from a crime scene. Such a good detective. First he’ll find you, then he’ll kick your ass.

Spidey breaks into New U and tracks down Jerry. He finds Jerry and he also finds who is behind this company. It is Dr. Miles Warren AKA the Jackal, and he’s bad ‘cause he clones people. In fact he cloned the Rhino’s wife so now the Rhino is indebted to him, and he cloned some chick who kissed Electro and then got his powers. FROM A KISS. Is this a Rogue clone? Like, I need more of an explanation, please. Why am I telling you about Rhino and Electro? Oh because they work for The Jackal and are currently fighting Spider-Man.

Spidey takes these two down easily and runs after The Jackal. Only to come face-to-face with everyone’s favorite clone, Gwen Stacy. And then everyone’s least favorite clone, Doc Ock. He’s everyone’s least favorite now that we know he exists, that is.

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That seems a bit uncomfortable

The End.

Now of course there is a bonus story at the end. This time we are treated to an account of what happened the night Gwen Stacy died from her POV. Oooo. Peter Parker is not a good boyfriend. That’s for sure. He’s left her waiting in his apartment because he’s out with better things to do then keeping plans with his girlfriend. SO rude. Luckily, Gwen doesn’t have to worry about making alternate plans because the Green Goblin smashes in through her window and kidnaps her and drugs her and leaves her on the top of a bridge. But remember this is Gwen’s POV, so she’s drugged, but she’s still conscious. She just can’t move her body. She’s watching the fight go on between GG and Spider-Man and she realizes it is Peter because the Goblin keeps calling him Parker. She’s not happy about this realization because she blames Spider-Man for her father’s death. Healthy. 

Gwen is knocked off the bridge by the Green Goblin, as the story goes, and Spider-Man’s web seizes her leg and her neck snaps. Which is weird. Is it because her body was so relaxed? Because don’t they say things like that happened when you tense up? Because you know what’s coming? That’s why so many drunk drivers survive accidents and their sober passengers don’t because the drunk people are all loosey-goosey while the sober people are like FUCK. It’s like when I yank my boyfriend around while he’s sleeping to make it stop snoring. Should I be worried that I may just snap his neck one day? He does complain of soreness a lot… IS THERE A DOCTOR READING THIS THAT CAN TELL ME!?

gwen stacy
THE DRAMA

So, Gwen dies from her snapped neck, but luckily she is scooped up by the Jackal and she awakes in a tube. Zombie Gwen. But she is healthy and so far she hasn’t said anything about brains. She decides to work for the Jackal because, I mean, what else is she going to do? She’s legally dead. Annnnddd it helped that the Jackal also has her dead father reanimated as well. So, Gwendolyn is reunited with the captain and then as we just saw gets reunited with her ex-boyfriend. Lotta bad vibes all around.

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FACT: East Coasters hate California

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