Deadpool: Back in Black

Yup. As it turns out Peter Parker’s pesky alien symbiote has taken another lover. In this lovely comic we are whisked back to the 80s and find out that Deadpool rocked the black costume WAY BEFORE or at least ya know, right before, Peter Parker did. Deadpool is cool like that.

Our story begins where Peter and alien symbiote’s ended. Peter Parker is crying under that bell like a little…buhhh—spider. And the symbiote is like “this dude’s a p*ssy I got getta the eff out of here.” So the alien takes Peter away from the bell and hides under the floorboards waiting for another host in a church cause he’s like “I’m DONE hanging out with that guy.”

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He finds a way nicer friend.

He soon finds love with a kind janitor who feeds him his dead wife’s stale candy. BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE’S A SPACESHIP. His alien family bombs the church, so he saves his janitor friend from the explosion by wrapping his body around the old man saving him! The aliens descend from the ship looking like an 80s rock band. All of this basically pushes the janitor into having a stroke. AND HE DIDN’T TAKE HIS DAMN PILLS THIS MORNING. ARE YOU CRYING BECAUSE I’M SOBBING!! He said “I j-just didn’t think I would be attacked by aliens today.” SOBBING. THE OLD JANITOR WITH THE DEAD WIFE WHO BEFRIENDED AN ALIEN IS GONNA DIE FROM A STROKE!!! I CAN’T.

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If you are not crying right now you have no soul

Meanwhile, the alien has to find someone to bond to it and we catch up with Deadpool and Machine Man who are at a club and Machine Man is being mind-controlled or something. Idk. I just got here too.

Also, Deadpool gouged out his own eyes so there’s that. Must have something to do with the mind control. Like a Medusa but with minds thing. The symbiote is chilling in the rafters above the club while Deadpool blindly dodges Machine Man’s uncontrollable blasts.

A bunch of dudes in hoods are at the club, and they’re white guys so you know they’re up to something. Deadpool takes out his guns and shoots them using his “sense of smell” since he doesn’t have eye sight. He manages to miss every single one of these naz–uh whoever these guys are, so he just throws his gun at them. GOOD PLAN B.

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This bitch.

Deadpool’s eyes start to heal and grow back as Machine Man pulls him into Dansen Macabre’s mind-controlling gaze.

Luckily our symbiote comes to our hero’s rescue. Is Deadpool our hero? Or is the alien? I really liked that janitor….

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Brains? Does Machine Man have organs?

Deadpool + symbiote almost kills Machine Man, but stops himself and turns his attention on the white guys in hoods.

With the help of his symbiote suit, he is able to conjure out many black tentacles in which to grab several guns and shoot everyone who surrounds him.

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Deadpool in the middle of every POC’s nightmare

But this power that Deadpool is feeling is not a new feeling he remembers an old mission in which he found the symbiote which he hoped would improve his costume.

But it was lyke, ya know, an alien so he decided to pawn it off on Spider-Man instead. Deadpool believes that suit imprinted on him and found his way back to him…Deadpool gains web shooting powers and he is very excited that he is able to “thwip” now.

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Not every little boy’s first reaction.

Also there was some statue there I forgot to mention. I guess it was worth money and Deadpool wanted to sell it, but Machine Man didn’t because it belonged in a museum or something. So Deadpool leaves the statue next to a passed out Machine Man to protect. Luckily he wakes up before it gets stolen again. SPOILER. oh. I should have said that first.

ANYWAYZ the aliens who blew up the church are still looking for the symbiote and they catch on to his scent and find out that he’s playing “super hero” again. HAHAHAHA NO. THESE BITCHES DON’T EVEN KNOW. He’s playing “mentally ill mercenary who likes to kill people and can’t be killed.” That game is way more fun. It’s like he was playing apples to apples which is mad fun but now he’s playing cards against humanity.

Oh Deadpool, will you ever disappoint me? Is it possible you could? No, No you could not.

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FAV!!

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