STAR*LORD #1

This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.

Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.

Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.

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She literally walked in and kicked him in the shin. WTF. This bitch cray

So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.

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breathe, dude

Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.

I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.

So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.

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He’s so wittle

MEANWHILE

At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!

Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.

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See they both don’t feel welcome on this Earth. BEST FRIENDS

Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.

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I have the same pair; they’re from Zara.

Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.

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Adorbs

Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.

Aaaaannddd he gets arrested.  The end.

INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!

This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.

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lil bub

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