I said I would start 2018 with some bad betches.
Perhaps you could tell by my icon or maybe you could not, but I love Jessica Drew. She is my favorite Spider-Woman.
Sometimes Kitty Pryde bothers me because of her perpetual ponytail, but other than that I’m pretty down with the girl. She rose through those X-Man ranks really quickly…even though she didn’t want to…and for some reason she has a dragon? I didn’t read the story where that happened, I just picked up an X-Men comic one day and BOOM pet dragon. I’ve accepted it and you should, too.
So based on the prologue one thing you should know is that Lockheed the dragon is in love with Spider-Woman. I must have also missed that story where they fell in love, but she does bring it up later and apparently they met in space. (Bare with me.) (Bear?)
So the story begins and it turns out that Lockheed has a cell phone because he and Spider-Woman were texting and decided that the three of them should head into the city and save some shit.
In this case, shit is a precious metal from space that S.W.O.R.D and the Russian Mafia are after.
I must bring to light that Kitty is acting like a real twat right now because she’s mad that Spider-Woman woke her up on a “school night.” Bitch, you a superhero.
Anyways Spider-Woman “woke her up” because Lockheed can sniff out space metals. What, like it’s hard?
Lockheed catches the scent and they’re off, but not without Kitty snarling off about hoping Spider-Woman and Lockheed both get fired from S.W.O.R.D. Methinks thou doth protest too much, but your story is being written by a man, therefore there will be a lot of limits to your personality. Not your fault, girl.
So they discover that Absorbing Man has the magic metal and the ladies mull their mutual disgust over him choosing to not wear a shirt. Listen men, if you won’t respect yourselves don’t expect us to respect you.
Lockheed attacks some men in hazmat yellow suits from above, and clearly these suits are inflammable. Which means flammable. Confusing, right?
Kitty can’t stop talking about her students even during battle, and while she mulls over ideas for her “other” occupation we get an obligatory butt shot right before she grabs the space rock.
Kitty: Hey, Jessica, is this rock radioactive?
Jessica: Are you holding it?
Jessica: Then NOPE.
We move forward, although I don’t necessarily believe Spider-Woman’s information about the radioactivity within this rock.
The Absorbing Man, tries to grab the rock from Kitty, but he can’t because she’s made it “intangible,” which does, in fact, mean “not tangible.” Confusing. She then puts it inside a solid pillar that is helping to hold up the New York subway station they are fighting inside of, so they can “talk.”
But he doesn’t want to talk, which is not at all surprising because he’s not one of those smart villians that thinks things through, he’s one of those ‘fight first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Which makes his next move, to throw a wrecking ball that he keeps chained to his body into the pillar to grab the radioactive space rock metal thing in-surprising.
Kitty lets him absorb the rock and I think she does this because she wanted to deliver this line.
Kitty: You know , if you REALLY want to improve yourself, how about absorbing a book.
HA. Got ’em.
On the other side of the subway, Spider-Woman is climbing on the walls while men in hazmat suits run from her. What she has done to make them run from her is unknown. Then she’s like, “um, did you let him absorb the rock like exactly what I told you not to do?”
And Kitty’s like “yes, but only because I have some fancy new power gains that I need to show off.”
So, she goes off into this long monologue about how fear had kept her from really using her powers until she take off her gloves and puts her hand on Absorbing Man’s head and reaches into his brain to stop the blood flow. Which makes the metal stop working in his body.
He passes out and Kitty starts giving commands to Hydra agents (who were there the whole time and I didn’t mention them because they just stood around until this scene…) and also the hazmat guys to clean up all the rubble and to move Absorbing Man’s body to another location.
Spider-Woman has her glowing rock no thanks to herself but all thanks to Kitty. So she thanks Kitty for “helping.” When really she did all of the work.
Kitty’s like “whatever bitch, I’m going home.”
And Spider-Woman is like “I emit a pheromone that makes women uncomfortable.”
And Kitty is like “Nah that ain’t why I don’t like you, but still consider us to be friends.”
Then the real trouble arises when Kitty asks Lockheed who he is going home with.
Unfortunately that is a mystery that the writer has allowed you to figure out for yourself. That writing technique is either very lazy or very smart.
Have your read this issue yet? Did you continue reading the part where Hawkeye and Deadpool go on a small adventure? I didn’t. But I will after I post this and maybe I’ll throw in an extra review this week and put that little storyline in, too.
Avengers + X-Men is the perfect go-to for any Marvel fan that doesn’t have the time to get invested in a crazy ass storyline. You can literally pick up any issue and a small adventure with your favorite characters will charm your pants off. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
Rating: 4 billion stars out of a possible 3 billion.