The Fearless Defenders

WOWOWOWOWOW

Awesome team-up alert.

Valkyrie, the last Asgardian Defender and Misty Knight, formally with the Daughters of the Dragons and bff to the Heroes for Hire, are on the cover together so I guess now they’re bff.

I want to be Misty Knight for a cosplay after seeing this fantastic update to her costume. She looks like she was plucked out of a VIP booth in Studio 54.

However, I’m not black so I can’t otherwise I’d be hypocrite for being mad at white real housewives whenever they dress up as Diana Ross. And I do mean everytime they do it because it happens a lot.

We’re getting off topic. Okay, yes, I am. You’re fine.

There’s a prologue of Valkyrie saying verily and then the skies rain blood down upon her, blah but the real story begins with a huge BOOM coming from a boat racing through a storm on the Atlantic Ocean. The seamen ha need to secure all the crates because they’re slipping all over the place on account of the rain.

Somehow Misty Knight is on this boat. It is not explained how or when she got on, but she is not wanted because some guy comes up behind her with a gun.

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She’s gotta have lost those big ass hoop earrings on at least 20 missions.

Knight remains unphased, however, as she simply spins around and kicks him in the shin and tosses him overboard into the violent ocean waves below.

Then she decides that one possible manslaughter charge is not nearly enough trouble to be into, so she jumps out from her hiding spot to take on all the dudes on this boat. And she says these badass things that I’m too lazy to type:

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Can you imagine?! Chills.

She then proceeds to beat up everyone.

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Stirrup leggings! Genius. BUT WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? 

After she attacks everyone out of NOWHERE she steals the thing that they were stealing. It’s a small statue that looks like a load of crap to her because it’s small and it’s ugly and it looks extremely old and rundown.  She continues to look around since there’s gotta be something better here and there’s also mummified bodies wearing warrior armor, which is mad creepy.

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Verily.

A helicopter is randomly coptering from above and she’s like “ew, get this light off of me, rude.”

These helicopter people start shooting at her from above. But she has a bionic arm with repulsor tech so she can’t be shot. Then they bring out a rocket launcher and she’s like, “gotta go.” So she takes her chances into the wild, choppy ocean as the boat explodes behind her.

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Gun violence is never the answer.

Somehow before the boat had exploded, they were able to grab the crates. IDK. So Misty is swimming off while the helicopter people speak about a future massacre they’re planning with these mummified bodies.

Knight returns to her employer and goes off on the girl who employed her, yelling about how mercenaries with rocket launchers came to sabotage her simple smuggling mission. But her employer, Dr. Annabelle Riggs, some sort of archaeologist? Anyways she works for a museum and that’s why she wants relics like this.

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“Secret” history. Oh my.

Misty: Is it worth anything?

Annabelle: You didn’t think the rocket launchers were a tip off it’s worth something?

Dr. Riggs starts trailing off thinking aloud about what it might be and she comes to the conclusion that it is Asgardian. And I totally believe her because Valkyrie is on this cover, too. So she’s messing around with the statue and finds a seam and the statue clicks open and starts singing an awful song.

Annabelle: Oh a music box.

Misty: This music sucks. Turn it off.

Annabelle: Nope, got to record it on my iPhone.

Misty: Hey what are you surveying here at this dig site?

Annabelle: A viking grave.

Misty: What a massive coincidence…

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Reminds me of, lyke, when Harry Potter had to open up that egg underwater to hear more than just screeches.

So long story short, these vikings come alive and start attacking the archaeologists, so it’s up to Misty Knight to save the day with her Satan Claw.

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Oh sorry, it’s the second version I guess.

During the middle of Knight kicking butt, a giant flying horse lands behind her, and atop of said horse is Valkyrie.

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YES! Good guess, omg.

They inadvertently team up and fight off these viking dudes with a lot of THOKS, THOOMS and SHHRAAKS.

Dr. Riggs walks out with the singing statue and Valkyrie is like hey turn that off the reason they’re alive is cause the song, and Dr. Riggs is like OMG you’re a Valkyrie that’s so amazing, let’s make out. And they do.

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Gotta make sure there’s a lesbian scene so fanboys can jerk off.

Valkyrie grabs the statue and destroys it, turning all of the zombie vikings into dust.

Val: Great that’s over, gotta go.

Annabelle: You destroyed my dig site and years of research I’m coming with you to get some answers.

Val: No.

Annabelle: Yes.

Val: Okay.

Misty: I’ll come, too. Nothing like a third wheel on an adventure to an eternal realm.

So it’s settled. Val then tells them that the statue sang the song of the “Blighted Host of slaughter, carrion, filth, vermin, deceit, insanity, torture, seduction and rage.” Huge job for one guy. They could have probably passed down some of the responsibilities to another host, but CEOs amiright?

Then she goes on to say that the music box said the “Doommaidens” were rising and that it’s all Val’s fault. YIKES. Um she’s the only one who understood what they were saying and she just outed herself like right away. I would have kept my mouth shut. They’d be like what else did they say? And I’d be like “ummm…nothing. Nothing at all. WHY? Who said they said something?”

But I’m not a Valkyrie and thank Yeezus for that because we would all be dead rn.

I assume that if I were to ascend to any seat of power, we’d all be in mortal peril.

Did you like this? If you did not, why? Because you’re dumb? Let me know so we can grow and change together.

Have you read this series? It’s from 2013 so you may not remember, but if you happened to have missed it- I highly recommend picking it up. Misty Knight is my new favorite. Thank you to the commenter who said I missed her in my post about Marvel women who need their own movies. You were hella right about this bad betch. In the words of Fabolous, “you make me better.”

 

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