BATTLEWORLD

Battleworld takes place after the multiverse was destroyed. The Earth has been taken over by zombies and this region of Battleworld is holding off the zombies and being led by Elsa Bloodstone, daughter of Ulysses Bloodstone, a hunter formally with the 1950s Avengers who had a large Bloodgem embedded into his chest.

Same.

Elsa is a crazy human.

Same.

This story begins with someone spilling her tea and now she has brown spots all over her. She’s very mad and she shoots the zombie who probably made her spill her tea. I should probably paint this picture right? So they’re in some sort of fortress and the walls are very high, but the zombies are climbing up and there’s a soldier laying dying on the ground. And he’s crying and she’s like “shut up, rookie.” And he’s all “you’re mean. I got bitten I’m going to turn into a zombie and you’re gonna shoot me and probably laugh about it right afterward. Be nice to me!”

 

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What kind of tea stains like that? Certainly not Earl Grey.

 

So she decides to be nice to him by lying to him and tells him that his wounds aren’t infected and he’s going to live, and he is like “omg thank god!”

Then she shoots him.

Moving on, her sergeant comes over and tells her that they’ve identified a leader of this pack and it is not good news.

 

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Eh. Not my type.

 

It is Azazel, father of Nightcrawler and leader of the demon BAMFS. So this makes him extremely terrifying because he can teleport around everywhere kicking people off buildings, punching them, killing them whatever.

He bamfs around for a few more before Elsa shoots him in the face. She goes to finish the job and he wraps his tail around her leg and teleports out of there with Elsa in tow. She finishes him off with a deathly blow, but not before he has teleported her miles away from her base.

 

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Azazel AKA the Red Terror AKA the Purple Pouf

 

She passes out for a second and has a flashback from her past. She is a young girl with her father, Ulysses, and let’s just say there’s a lot of terrifying abuse going on in that household. First of all, she is 7 years old and he had a pygmy demon attack her and she lost. Then he’s like calling her weak and she’s like “dude, I’m seven!” And he’s like “we’re hunters. We have to serve the people.” And then about ten more mini demons appear to beat her up again and he tells her to get up.

Which is weird, because there’s a little boy in the here-and-now telling her to get up, cause you know, she passed out.

Then this guy shows up and wakes her ass up real quick.

 

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More my type.

 

Then she quotes Arrested Development and shoots him in the tentacle.

 

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But where did the lighter fluid come from?

Once she is done stomping him into the ground for touching her without permission, which yes, you go, Glenn Coco- she turns her attention to the little boy who tried to wake her up before and she questions him, but he has no memories. CONVENIENT. I don’t trust this little whiney boy. First of all, he’s bald, why? There are no razors in the apocalypse! Ain’t nobody got time to maintain a shaved head. Second of all he’s in the middle of Zombieland and appears completely unscathed. But therein lies the mystery I suppose. Oh he kind of looks like a monk though, right?

 

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Nice tracksuit. Rihanna would be proud.

 

She realizes that she is 200 miles south of her SHIELD base. I would probs just shoot myself at that point but she decides to move onward and take the street urchin with her.

Then she says “This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We are almost certainly going to perish… Nice day for it, mind.”

Wow, she is way cooler than everyone ever.

The urchin boy wants to go south instead of north back to the base. His reasoning is that it is a mystery and since they will definitely die if they go north, they might as well try south because he’s got a “good feeling” about it.

OKAY. It’s a trap.

Anyways, she’s like “no, fuck off.”

And he’s like “shut up.”

And she’s like “wtf bitch?”

And he’s like “there’s a juggernaut zombie charging us because he heard us because you wouldn’t stop talking.”

 

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Juggerzombie

 

So the Juggerzombie attacks Elsa and she’s like “little boy shoot this dude,” and he goes to shoot him and then this happens.

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Like…what? How even…

Luckily Elsa has a part of her father’s bloodgem around her neck in a necklace and that for some reason comes alive and blasts the Juggerzombie in the face and then Elsa stomps him out with her boot heel. This is like, the third time she’s done that to someone in the last hour. But whatever works, ya know?

Urchin boy asks Elsa how her magic necklace works and she says it has never done anything like that before. SO WE’VE GOT A SECOND MYSTERY WE NEED TO SOLVE ON THIS JOURNEY. Wow, they are just setting this story up for greatness around every corner.

Also, Elsa has daddy issues up the wazoo. The urchin won’t stop crying and she’s like shut up and she has a flashback to when her dad kept yelling at her to stop crying and being weak. And she doesn’t want to be like her father so she apologizes to the little urchin boy and they continue on.

However, there’s scads and scads of zombies below the mountain they’re looking off of.

 

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They’re all headed North btw.

 

They decide to head south because Elsa decides that “unknown horror” is better than “certain doom.” She tells the little boy to watch their backs because a “hunter being hunted is just plain tacky.” I gotta agree. Too bad there is a monster following them.

TO BE CONTINUED.

WOW! DANGER! MYSTERY! ZOMBIES! DADDY ISSUES! This issue had it all. Elsa Bloodstone is the baddest bitch on Earth and I want everyone to buy this comic book and tell every single one of your friends to also buy it and let’s buy everything that she ever does because this was amazing. There’s nothing better than a girl with daddy issues. Ask anyone!

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