Mark Millar and John Romita Jr have teamed up yet again.
Dave Lizewski has been in retirement for quite some time, so someone else wears the mask now.
She is revealed in the first few panels of the story, getting unmasked by a group of thugs she was trying to superhero. But really, nobody knows who she is. It’s not Dave so like wtf? Who’s here?
All of a sudden we’re on the next page, in Afghanistan 12 weeks previously. The new Kick-Ass is holding a giant military gun and screaming at Afghani soldiers to drop their weapons.
4 soldiers are holding her army friend hostage, but this new Kick-Ass decides that she and her friend can take them.
There’s a huge shoot-off and new Kick-Ass and her friend, “Coop” are safe, but not unscathed.
Coop asks, “Patience” if she’s okay. Patience is new Kick-Ass, okay got it.
She’s like I’m fine. However, she was shot in the arm so I’m doubting that she is actually fine.
Another one of their soldiers was being held captive, but he is unconscious. There is an angry mob outside of the building they’ve just shot everybody in, so they have to do some quick thinking to get themselves and their unconscious friend out of there.
The rescue copters are 6 minutes away, but since there is an angry mob chopping down their shelter that’s not really gonna do it. So they hop into this Hilux which is a big SUV and drive off, soldiers see them and start shooting. The mobs barricade them off and they’re pretty much screwed. Luckily the helicopters show up early and blow everyone up except them.
Meanwhile, in the helicopter, the soldiers congratulate Patience on her quick thinking and saving the unconscious guy. Coop mentions that Patience is going to miss the Army, all the adrenaline, anyways. She says not as much as she misses her kids. So she’s a mom. Then she reveals she’s been in the army for 8 years and once she gets out she’s going back to school while her husband works.
At the airport, she’s finally come home and this has got to be such a moving moment for families. To finally see their mom again after 8 years. I don’t know how army works, but that just seems like a long-ass time. 8 years without their mom? Shit cray.
Also, these kids look really young. So she must have squeezed em out and hopped back into the army world.
She hugs her kids and asks this couple who came, who are either her parents or sibling/cousin duo. I dunno, she asks them where her husband, Frankie is.
And they’re like uh we’ll tell you the whole story when we get back.
So they’re at home and we find out that Frankie has left his whole family for a girl he met at the office. Wonderful.
They show a quick scene with him driving to Los Angeles with the girl and she’s like “hey your wife is calling you.” And he’s like “I’m not answering that, I am a pussy and don’t want to be yelled at, even though I deserve it.” His girlfriend is like “Don’t you owe her some sort of explanation?” And he’s like “no, she never believed in my music.”
I think right about after that explanation the girl leaps out of his vehicle because she realizes if that’s how he treats the mother of his own kids, who was in Afghanistan fighting for the country for the last 8 years, she deserves someone who is not such a gross pussy/loser.
He won’t answer the phone, and Patience is like oh shit it’s real and now I can’t go to school because his salary won’t be coming in.
The couple is her parents because Patience says “fuck” and the woman gasps.
Her son walks over to her and is all “mom, is dad not coming back?” Patience was in the night stalkers so she’s a bad bitch and she’s like “fuck it, we’ll be fine.”
And they may or may not be considering Mark Millar is writing this.
Patience takes a job as a slutty waitress, and I mean this, she goes to work in a bikini top. Why is waitressing portrayed like this? And who is tipping the waitress extra just because they can see side boob? I’d like to know if this is something that actually works. Are you not tipping 20% to the waiter in a button up? Only to the Hooters girl? What’s happening here. Also grow some morals if that’s how you live your life.
So the slutty mother of two waitress/former night stalker in the army goes to her friends’ house and the husband of the couple offers her a security job at his club “Hoops” and she’s like no, that place is a cesspool. And he’s like “this is how I put food on the table, and you were fighting an illegal war in Afghanistan anyway.” And she’s like “whatever I’m still better than you.” And he’s like “well actually your husband got you both into a lot of debt, so you should probably take the job”
Patience goes over the finances and Frankie really fucked up. Ten thousand dollar loans with high-interest rates. Wonderful. She mulls over robbing a bank before her daughter yells at her from the bathroom that she needs her ass wiped. I still don’t get it. How did she get pregnant and have a baby while in the army? This kid cannot be 8. How does army work? This kid is like 3. Still not even using a real potty yet. Gross humans.
So instead of robbing a bank Patience decides to become a Robin Hood of sorts and steal from the rich drug lords who are keeping her neighborhood in a perpetual state of poverty. Which is amazing. I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up.
She gets herself caught, on purpose, I might add, and we end up back to the beginning.
She is in the office of the drug lord with some thugs and she kicks the drug lord in the nuts and then punches him in the face. She proceeds to beat the shit out of everyone else. My hero.
She puts a gun to drug lord’s beating face and tells him to put the money from the safe into the bag. V Nice. VVVVVVVVVV Nice.
I’m into it. I’m very much into it. The first series run is one of my all-time favorites.
AND I’m SO EXCITED BECAUSE THEY ALSO RELAUNCHED….
A NEW Hit-Girl #1
That review is next week.