Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy, but take this weapon, and let’s kill clansmen together, maybe?
Based on the name of this comic book, and the fact that I am such a hardcore liberal that I rode in a float at a parade for the young democrats before I could even vote, I had to purchase.
Clankillers is published by Aftershock comic books, written by Sean Lewis and art by Antonio Fuso.
As a warning, they say “fecking” a lot. And they’re Irish. I’m not sure if those two things are related. Someone let me know.
Hell is a Place Called Ireland.
I’m not making that assumption that is the title of this first issue.
So the comic book starts with this naked woman sitting cross-legged breathing ice or smoke everywhere talking shit about Goddess Balor and her dad. Daddy issues. Yawn.
IDK who tf this ghost voice is talking to, but she is talking about the King of Ireland, her father.
Basically, she said this Goddess of Balor told him to murder all the clans to make him a feared king, cause it would make his daughters get over the fact their mother is dead or gone or something.
Yeah, when my mom died and my dad went on a serial killing spree I felt SOO much better.
The girl continues on to say that murdering everyone made them into heathens. Cause why wouldn’t it? If you’re powerful and can’t be touched you start doing bad things just to see how far you can go without getting in trouble. Kinda like the Jinx, ya know?
So we finally meet the girl after she makes this speech, her name is Finola and her and her boyfriend, Cillian just murdered a bunch of people and stole a skull from them. Or they took the school themselves.
Then we meet her dad, Padraig the Grotesque ( he got his name from building a castle out of skulls and feeding the flesh to cows apparently)
So he’s chillin on his throne and he has all these townsfolk offer things to him in exchange for their lives.
His daughters show up, like “we’re here to please you m’lord.” also gross.
And Lord Farquad or whatever his name was is like “Where’s the third daughter! You’re nothing without the other one!” then he smashes something with his sword. Like wtf? Who acts like that. Fucking weirdo.
So his one daughter who plays the violin says she probably went to the orphanage to see Cillian.
Then we’re back to Finola who is with C. She explains that she met him cause he was always hiding from the priest who would butt rape him. Ah, how fucked up religion was for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Cillian tells Finola that if he ever loves women one day, he wants to make demented babies with her. Cause you know he’s only fucked dudes up to this point.
Then a banshee shows up. Like a really tall banshee.
And she’s like “you’re stupid children.”
THEN SMASH BANG BOOM NEXT SCENE.
Lard Farquad goes to the orphanage AKA the church-run orphanage AKA the children sex-traffic ring to meet the priest and ask him where Cillian is.
So he bursts in there and backhands a little boy across his mouth and asks where the Cardinal is. These three naked hoes on a couch tell him he’s at “bible study”
Bible study is being guarded by nuns for some reason? Like, get better muscle. Or give the nun guards something to wear that they can actually fight people off in.
He backhands this bitch next and opens the door to find the Cardinal naked with some children and asks him where his daughter is.
The King threatens to chop his dick off he doesn’t tell him where his kid went. But the Cardinal says they were there today, but they might be at the Bogs, so the King heads to the Bogs.
Finola and Cillian have ended up with not just one Banshee but a whole load of them, and they’re like “what do you children want?”
And Finola is like “we brought you a skull, but not just any skull the skull of a man who told my dad how to find you and send you to these Bogs.”
So the Banshees are like “That’s cool. We are wearing club dresses so its weird that we live in a swamp now, anyways.”
Fin’s like, “ya I figured. So I want something”
The Banshees are like, “okay what?”
Fin asks for the Goddess of Balor’s head… I think she’s the girl with the nice rashes from the first page?
So King Farquad is in the next panel so we have to wait for their answer. He’s looking through some binoculars at his daughter like the creep he is. He’s like “Fin found the monster bitches I banished. I’m gonna kick her ass, or murder her probably because I’m insane.”
The Banshees are like ” we can’t call the Goddess unless-”
Then Finn is like “I know we have to kill all the kings of the clans including my father.”
And the Banshees are like “You cool with that?”
Fin is like “Uh yeah. He sucks and I want my mom back. When the divorce happened no one even let me choose. Could have avoided a whole thing, but nooooo gotta murder n shit now.”
I mean END.
Um, I really like this so far. It is twisted, but in a way that I’ve seen before so they’re gonna have to give a lot more in the upcoming issues, but I’m down to see what they come up with. And by the time I post this, the second issue will already be out! So I don’t even have to wait to see!
What did you think of the Clan Killers? Dope or Nope? Lemme know. And if you want me to recap a comic book put it in the comments and I will do that.
K thx, bye.