Billionaire Island #1 Issue Recap

Here’s another fucked up comic for ya’ll.

In between Pandemics how about a story from Ahoy Comics about Billionaires trying to kill poor POC? Sounds familiar, right? Similar idea, but done in a completely different way. The comic industry is super WOKE rn.

Anywhoozle, this story by Mark Russell with art by Steve Pugh begins with a commercial for Billionaire Island. The commercial is only aired on the super secrete Caviar network that only billionaires have access too. I truly believe that they have that. It wouldn’t be weird, if Jet Grind Radio can have a pirate network then so can billionaires.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 12.04.01 AM
I’m clearly NOT a villain look at my beautiful smile that hides NOTHING.

This friggen island is duh, only for billionaires.

They created the island because climate change has made beachfront property a terrible investment and there’s no “grimy immigrants.” his words not mine. He also wants the billionaires to have a safe place to live and conduct business away from the people they don’t care about AKA everyone who is not themselves.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 12.25.30 AM
Yeah, you have a PHD but it’s probably in like music or art or some shit.

The island called, “Freedom Unlimited” has drones that protect that outskirts of the island from refugees and immigrants and it rises with the sea level so no matter how terrible the dying world gets, the billionaires will survive, plus they can be as shady as they want to with offshore accounts because technically they’re going to be in international waters.

This is all stuff that billionaires already do and have.

This island does have this super cool personal wealth detector so anyone trying to get on the island (minus servants they want there) can’t get in without a big enough bank account. Noice.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 10.20.06 AM
Did billionaires pay taxes in the first place?

ANYWAYS, Turns out that this commercial was playing in the background of this billionaire man’s place while he is chained to his bed by this other dude, a dude who is going to murder the guy.

How did the poor guy get into the billionaire’s house tho? Don’t they have, like, super secret tech and defenses up? Especially since everyone wants to kill them, in this, they year 2044?

So it turns out this guy, is a sad soldier who used to work in a tiny, poor country in South Africa called Angola. He lived there with his wife and son, and the billionaire guy murdered his wife and son by giving out free food to the refugees, but everyone ate it I guess? Which, I mean, isn’t the army paying for your food? Would it be different? I don’t know I guess not.

SO how did the food kill the wife and son you ask? I will tell you. So apparently this “billionaire humanitarian” actually used his company Aggrocorp to come up with a virus that would sterilize all who ate the food. The billionaire’s defense is that there’s not enough food in the world to feed everyone and until we bring down the population there never will be. TRUE. FACT. YES. But not even bothering to dive into how morally wrong and oppressive this is and how racist it is because it’s being done by a white man’s corporation to Africans, we’re just going to skip that argument for a minute. Take a pin. Put it in. There was entirely different thing wrong with the sterility virus. Turns out if you ate the virus food and you had an antigen then you would get a virus that would kill you worse than Corona. DAMN!! Now I have all sorts of conspiracy theory thoughts, like this WOULD happen while Trump is in office. HE DID THIS. Or more likely his smarter billionaire buddies did this.

Anywetzle pretzle, the poor guy is like my wife and son ate the food and they died because they had the antigen and the rich guy is all “sorry we never meant for it to affect white people.”

This doesn’t help the soldier man feel better they have another conversation and it goes like this:

Soldier: Anyways that’s my story now where can i find your boss, he’s the one I’m really after.

TV: Hey it’s me Rick Canto, I’ve been doing this infomercial the entire time that you’ve been freaking out my partner at Aggrocorp.

Soldier: Oh there he is. I’ll go there then.

Billionaire: Yup there you go.

Soldier: Are you hungry?

Billionaire: I guess I could eat- HEY! That’s the food bag from Aggrocorp! I don’t want ebola!

Soldier: Yeah, I’m force feeding this shit to you now. Sorry, not sorry.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.27.31 AM
It’s corn in a bag! Like regular corn only seeped in viral infection. Yum!

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the soldier is the hero of our story, but every hero needs a sidekick, RIGHT?!

We continue on with Rick Canto the villain extraordinaire of our story, he is getting interviewed by a reporter for the Miami Herald, he makes a rude comment about how print media is dead because he’s a big social media guy blah blah blah.

Their interview from there goes like this.

Reporter: So you went from social media to agriculture, why?

Rick: I’m a good guy, I want to feed the world.

Reporter: Yeah, okay.

Robot Drone : Hey I was just watching the news and your partner, Corey is dead, you’ll probably get assassinated next.

Rick: well, you heard the bot, I’ve got to go.

Reporter: But the interview-

Rick: Come with in my weird jet thing.

Reporter: K.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.32.51 AM
This ride must have taken all of two minutes or they rode in silence because the conversations happen all together at each location.

They arrive on Freedom Unlimited Island or whatever which is a stupid name because it sounds like a credit card but whatever I digress. Here they continue their conversation.

Rick: I do agro whatever to feed the world’s population and make everything good and nice.

Reporter: Are you achieving this by killing populations of poor people?

Rick: Nope.

Reporter: Well, I have several testimonies from refugees not to mention the mass grave site in Angola, a site for one of your “humanitarian missions.”

Rick: Oh, hey let’s finish this interview in my conference room, K?

Reporter: Alright.

Rick: You go first.

Reporter: Ok.

Rick: *Locks door after her trapping her inside of a human hamster cage*

Reporter: YO WHAT THE FUCK!

Rick: NO RULES, I’M RICK JAMES BITCH

Reporter: I’ll call my editor on the cell phone!

Rick: I’ve thought of everything! There’s no service in this room!

Reporter: I sent my GPS coordinates to my editor.

Rick: This is Island is constantly moving!

Reporter: Ruh-roh.

While in the hamster wheel the Reporter meets several fucking weirdos. Some are reporters like her, one is a former regional manager or executive or some shit for Agro whatever but she’s brainwashed and she thinks the hamster is a test and when she gets out she’ll have a job again. Which is way weird. Stockholm syndrome. There’s a name for it.

Anyways these characters are weird and useless and I hate them.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.42.59 AM
Who is giving her that blow-out everyday?

Also, Rick gives them hundreds of dollars everyday? I don’t know why. It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I hate it.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.44.16 AM
It looks like they’re flying into the fan.

The reporter is like these people are crazy, we’re trapped in a cage and they’re fighting for money. Rick comes in and the people take turns kissing his ass. Then the reporter is like I’m going to find a way out of here and Rick is all, nah, you’re not. And he leaves. THEN THIS HAPPENS!

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.47.44 AM
An apocalyptic setting fun!

Well, there you have it folks. This reporter is going to get her ass saved by this hunk full of weaponry right here. How will he get into the island with all the droids and a shitty net worth, who knows? We’ll have to wait until issue #2 to find out!

 

 

 

 

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