Iron Man Issue #3 Comic Book Recap : Lighting Strikes…MORE THAN ONCE!

WELCOME BACK!

This week I will be recapping the new Iron Man issue #3 that came out yesterday! Iron Man in 2020 not to be confused with Iron Man 2020 that came out in 2013.

Iron Man is written by Christopher Cantwell

Artist: CAFU

Cover: Alex Ross

Color Artist: Frank D’Amarta

Great job you guys. You did it! It’s a white man struggling with his privilege writing about another white man struggling with his privilege…and he’s in a clone body which is a WHOLE other level.

If you haven’t read issue #1 or #2, then I will recap that for you riiiiggghhhtttt meow.

Iron Man is in a clone body cause he almost died and also he’s having a mid-life crisis, he liquidated his company and put the billions of dollars he made back into the stock market causing people who aren’t billionaires to probably die of starvation because they can’t afford to feed their families anymore. Then he threw a party and invited Hell Cat, they leave the party to track down criminals and they decide to team up. Iron Man tries to get himself killed by his enemies twice and Hell Cat, a survivor of suicide herself, is like “don’t do that dummy.”

Also he invested in this guy who captured lightning. That will be important in this issue.

Let’s begin shall we?

We begin with Unicorn, an Iron Man foe, running into a field in Oklahoma and being struck by lightning. (SOUND FAMILIAR?)

Iron Man is struggling with who he is to the people and calls himself a Daemon and an Effigy, which means he thinks he’s somewhere on the God spectrum, cause he’s a white man and they have God complexes.

Hey kiddos, sorry for ruining your game of kickball! Wait, that’s not what the kids do these days! Where the fuck are your iPads?

Iron Man drops down into a school playground to get some much needed attention before being scolded by the teachers for “riling up” the kids. He takes off, feeling like he did nothing wrong and that those people are the ass holes. Classic white man syndrome.

Next scene, Iron Man finds his garage painted with the phrase made popular by social media, “Eat The Rich.” Then next to that garage is his mid-life crisis car MELTED by the MELTER. So Iron Man beats the shit out of him and leaves.

Why does the Melter wear Metal? Seems ill-advised.

After nearly killing The Melter, Iron Man orders a burger from a fast food place then boards a plane with Hellcat in coach. He’s really making an effort to “get down with the people.”

That’s why you don’t check a bag, n00b.

Hell Cat and Tony then get into a fight about suicide, and it’s dark. Then Hell Cat hits the snooze button on Tony and tells him to wake her up when they land because she’s sick of his privilege bull shit talk. Side Note: I’m actually pretty proud of the way Cantwell chose to write this series, he has Hell Cat as the voice of reason and she can check his ass back into place whenever he starts talking like a white guy ass hole.

Tony meets up with the lightning guy he invested in from the first issue. Did I mention that he was creepy and clearly a villain? Because you should know that, too. Anyways, they are at his “lightning farm” which reminds me of those solar-powered windmill farms in the midwest.

Ew, is that your house? Poor.

So anyways, this poor guy is like look at what your investment created! Within days we now have thousands of these lightning rods! DAYS! Can you believe it? It’s the Marvel Universe so I guess we believe everything.

Anyways they then have a chat and it goes like this

Poor Lightning Guy: Hey, where’s your hot friend? You know the one who dresses up like a Cat?

IM: Yeah, she’s pissed at me so we’re kind of taking a break from our friendship right now.

Poor: Cool, then I’m going to hurt you really badly because I know she’s not coming.

IM: Wait, Wut?

Dumb ass, stupid ass, trick ass, mother fucking, stupid ass bitch.

After Tony is rendered unconscious on the floor, the Poor guy’s friends show up, and it’s the SAME guys that Tony has battled in the last two issues. WUT???? Way to set up a storyline, you go boys!

Oh you wanna be a God? Sounds fucking familiar, right? Ugh you stupid ass white trick ass mother fucking men.

Luckily for Iron Man, his co-star Hell Cat has just burst onto the scene and run over all these loser with her really cool, and I imagine, rented jeep.

Don’t we all?

Cue: Really cool battle scene. Where they punch, choke, blast, and drop kick their enemies!

Oh No! The poor guy has lightning!

The lightning guy kills Iron Man and Hell Cat, then leaves without checking their pulses.

Or checking if one of them might have a suit with a defibrillator! What a dolt!

Cause guess what the fuck what? Hell Cat-oh, wait, no, Iron Man- HIS suit has the defibrillator! Can you believe?

Hell Cat is dead. Bye!

Wa-wait, you-you, you forgot, your d-d-dumb glasses! HA! Burn.

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