X-Factor #7 Comic Book Recap : GUESS WHO’S POSSESSED IN BARCELONA!

IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE HORNY TEENS AGAIN!

Are they teens? No they have to be like early or mid-twenties? IDFK. All I know is that it’s like an orgy over there in the X-Factor boneyard.

Boneyard. Wow. I just got that.

This issue is brought to you by Leah Williams, David Baldeon, and Ivan Shavrin

If you don’t know what’s going on, how about you catch up on my last recap of X-Factor #6?

Now that we’re all caught up, we can begin.

Guess who showed up today? Speed! AKA Tommy, AKA if you’re watching WandaVision, one of Wanda’s twins. He looks just like Pietro, is slightly more annoying than Pietro, and enjoys the company of men, especially Prodigy.

Instead of discussing how there might be two of you out in the world, and you may be a resurrected clone of sorts, let’s just shut up and make out.

Tommy came over to let Prodigy know that he actually did not die in the O.N.E attack on Xavier’s institute, because he was with Tommy that night and he has the steamy photos to prove it.

So it turns out he was resurrected without a body, which I guess means that there is another Prodigy buzzing about somewhere?

Next up, another lovely couple of sluts, Daken and Aurora are strolling through the halls, and they have a conversation and it goes like this:

Daken: You smell scared.

Aurora: It’s weird that you can smell that.

Daken: Yeah but I can only smell lust and fear, I can’t telepathically understand why people have those emotions.

Aurora: Well I’m lusting over you right now.

Daken: Yeah I know. I literally just told you I could tell.

Aurora: Oh, right. Wanna make out?

Daken: No.

Aurora: Damn, ok.

Aurora has got to be the least slutty hoe I’ve ever seen.

Northstar calls his dog, Daken, over. Daken is tracking Siryn, as you know if you read last month’s recap.

Northstar tells Daken to get Fleet Seeds while he’s out and also warns Daken that he will kill him if he hurts his sister, Aurora. And Daken is like, “cool story, bro.”

Wow, I really hope he doesn’t forget those Fleet Seeds. Seem really important. Wow.
He forgot Fleet Seeds, but he invested heavily in Doge coin.

Daken is following Siryn. Polaris is a dumb hoe, because Siryn tricked her last issue into lying for her, so although Daken is tracking Siryn to the States, Polaris tells everyone she’s in Barcelona going on a walking tour. If you didn’t say Barcelona with a lisp you fucking suck.

Northstar decides to split the team up to interrogate Siryn’s closests friends, and because half the team can tell when someone is lying to them, they’re splitting up into three groups of two. Speaking of lies, Eye-Boy notices that Polaris is straight up lying to the whole team. He doesn’t say anything though, because Polaris is sitting right there and that would be shades af. Northstar gets up to find Prodigy who was just boning Tommy.

Northstar runs into Tommy first, and Tommy has a lot of questions for Northstar because Northstar is really fast and Tommy is really fast, but Northstar is faster and also older. And rich. And a twin. And a Leader. And everything that Tommy probably wants to be/sort of already is.

How old do you have to be to call someone “young person?” How old is Northstar and why is he hanging out with all these horny teens? I have questions.

So, next we get a scene of Tommy being really annoying and asking a ton of speed-related questions to Northstar, and Prodigy physically pushes him out, making me think that he might be the top?

Prodigy and Northstar get to their boring ass mission of interrogating Siryn’s friends. This mission proves fruitless. Her dad, Banshee didn’t even know that she died once. SO!

Daken tries to call Lorna AKA Polaris, but she ignores the call. RUDE! Then this shows up.

PSA: This is really important to the rest of the storyline.

If you need a summary here it is: THIS BITCH, MORRIGAN, SHE CRAZY!

Next up, Daken is alone because Polaris is in charge of the only cell phone, or maybe she’s the only number that Daken knows by heart? Sweet. Anyways, Daken gets captured by Siryn, but spoiler, it’s not Siryn it’s Morrigan. The crazy bitch you just read about. NOICE.

Anyways, Morrigan beats the shit out of Daken and throws his body onto a spike, so he can’t fully heal himself and then while she is attacking him she also shits in his mouth. JUST KIDDING! But she does shit all over him, metaphorically speaking.

Wow, so fucking rude.

So, Daken is just chilling being staked like a common vampire. Meanwhile, it’s taken them days to figure out that Polaris is lying. But once they confront her and remove the psionic blocks that Morrigan- acting as Siryn- put in her, they realize that Daken is missing and needs to be found. This is like 4 fucking days later btw. So he’s been in the cold wearing his light jacket and jeans. What an idiot. This is why I always tell people to layer.

It takes Northstar all of seven minutes to look throughout the entire Tundra to find Daken and save his life.

Why is he yelling at him right now? He, literally, is impaled on a stick.

Now that Northstar has saved Daken, it’s sexy-time for Daken and Aurora.

V sexy of her to dress as a pilgrim and get inside a jacuzzi.

Daken opens up his heart to Aurora and it’s very lovely. So cute. They’re in love. I love this. And they finally kiss, I guess he’s down for it now after being skewered for a few days in the Tundra. They are rudely interrupted by Northstar screaming for Aurora. which he does ALL. THE. TIME.

Daken: Why is he always screaming like that? Can’t he just zoom in to see if you’re okay?

Aurora: He’s scared to lose me.

Daken: Doesn’t answer my question.

Aurora: He was trapped in Nate Grey’s false Utopia. It fucked with his mind.

Daken: My sisters were trapped in there.

Aurora: So you already.

Daken: Already what?

Aurora: You already.

Daken: What?

Aurora: Know. You already know. It’s slang, from like, England.

Daken: You’re never going to make “you already” happen.

Aurora: You already.

Daken: Damn.

THEN WE DO A COMPLETE 180. Which makes me believe that we are missing pages from this storybook. BUT on the very next page after the hot tub sexy-time scene, it is several hours later in the living room and half the team is dead. Only Eye-Boy, Daken, and Prodigy are the last ones left alive. And it’s mad creepy, because the killer set up Aurora and Northstar in this weirdo hex/witchy-shit type of situation.

I wonder who killed everybody!?

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We have a serial killer on the loose!!!

What did you think of this issue? I am really starting to like X-Factor. Definitely becoming one of my faves. When do you think this run will be pick up by Disney+ as a series??? I’m thinking since they’re still taking storylines from 2005 it might not be until 2030 we see this in our living rooms.

Published by Comic Book Betch

Comedian and comic book enthusiast.

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