Far Sector Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Sup betches.

I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.

For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!

Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to  “the edge of the universe.”

This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.

The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.

SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.

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omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!! 

ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.

GL Betch  is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.

Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”

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IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!

So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.

The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.

She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”

The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.

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I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.

Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.

The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.

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Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair? 

Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.

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Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?

Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”

And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”

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Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.

So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.

NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?

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Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.

They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”

tenor.gif

So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.

GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.

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HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!

Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!

So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.

None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.

So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”

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Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.

GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”

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I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.

You go, Glenn Coco.

Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.

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My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics

After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.

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Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.

She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.

She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”

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A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM. 

They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOW!

Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!

I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!

What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!

Thank for reading,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Betch.

Watchmen #1 Comic Book Recap

Okay ya’ll, I’m obsessed with the new HBO series Watchmen. And because of this I have decided to go back and re-read the Watchmen series! I was a little rusty on some details and I don’t want to miss the little things they hide in these episodes!! I read this comic for the first time maybe more than a decade ago so, obviously, some things I have forgotten.

So, I went into the dusty ass container that lives under my bed that I got from the container store like five years ago, and searched for my aggregated Watchmen book that got a spike in sales right before the movie came out.

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Remember? (Drake Voice)

And as it goes I barely remember a damn thing, so I better recap this for you, so you don’t need go through all the trouble of digging up your old copies of the Watchmen.

We begin with Rorschach’s journal entry. He saw a dog carcass on the day of his journal entry. He was pretty excited about it because then he lept over into this whole diatribe about how the world is going to hell and he tried to warn everybody and they didn’t listen and now he doesn’t care about them at all. He also seems to hate communists and drunks. He also doesn’t care for intellectual liberals. Well I may be a liberal, but I’m certainly not an intellectual so I’m sure I’m pretty cool in this guy’s book.

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Okaaayyyyy guy.

Next we go to two detectives trying to figure out a crime. A man fell from his high-rise, splat on to the ground below. His door was kicked in first, so it isn’t a suicide, it’s a possible murder. They figure that because the man who was murdered was a large guy, really muscular and full of scars from before, he would have put up a fight, therefore it must have been more than one perpetrator.

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OH NOO MY BUTTON!

The detectives decide to not make a big fuss about the case because they don’t want any vigilantes getting on the case. One detective points out that since the Keene act of ’77 the only vigilantes around anymore work for the government. The second vigilante points out that Rorschach still vigilants. Freelance work, mostly, I assume.

While they are discussing Rorschach and how he sucks because he murders people to get to the truth and then THEY have to deal with all that paperwork, which Ya know, I get it, then they pass by him. Without the mask of course. So they don’t recognize him. But he’s there all right, holding a picket sign and looking crazier than an armpit on a snake.

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His coat looks dirty. Why does coat look dirty?

Hours later Rorschach comes back in his suit with the mask and all. He decides to do some detective work his damn self.

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Glass on my ass. Ink when I blink. How do I see? Nobody knows.

He knows just where to look, too. Much like the Watchmen series, the victim was hiding something strange in a secret part of his closet. Rory goes ahead and pushes a not well hidden button in the tiny ass empty closet and inside is a hero uniform complete with some heeled boots. This guy may have just been gay honestly and really into the club scene. He looked like a Bear. Rory doesn’t seem to agree because he also finds a photo of the Minutemen.

In the next scene two old men are hanging out in a bar. One is telling a story about how he ran into a villain from the 40’s who is now retired and married and has children. They are both Nite Owl’s. One was from a different generation, and the older one says the younger one was a better Nite Owl and he could have done even more in his days if they never passed the Keene act in ’77.

Danny, the new old Nite Owl, or old new? IDK. The younger one walks the older guy, Hollis home and then goes on his way down these darkened streets. He makes it to his apartment to find Rory eating a can of beans in his kitchen. Like he didn’t even warm them up. Also is that the best food you could find in that guy’s apartment? He didn’t have a frozen pizza in his oven? Da Fuck.

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I mind. I mind deeply.

Daniel offers to warm his beans, but Rory is fine eating cold beans. Cause he’s fucking weird. Anyways, that no pizza-loving ass throws a badge at Danny. A badge that he found on the body that was thrown out of the window. It is stained with what Rory calls “human bean juice.” Or blood as normal humans would call it. Technically all men are beans though.

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Bean Juice YUM!

Turns out the badge belonged to the Comedian from the Minutemen, and the suit that Rory found in the closet was also his. They go down to Nite Owl’s little secret hideaway and Rory points out that its quite dusty down there.  Rory believes that The Comedian was murdered by someone who wants to kill former heroes. Nite Owl thinks it was probably just a run of the mill robbery gone wrong. Rory doesn’t believe that because no regular guy could take down the Comedian. Nite Owl says it might have been political because the Comedian had been working for the government taking down Marxist governments.

Rory asks Danny about Hollis the older Nite Owl because he was in the Minutemen with The Comedian back in the day. Danny warns Rory not to go off scaring Hollis because he’s just an old man now. Rory says he only came as a warning just in case it does turn out that someone is going around “killing masks” and Danny points him towards the exit and lets him know it will let him off two blocks down into a warehouse. Rory says he remembers because they used to be partners. Danny is sad and is all “What happened to those days? They were nice.” And Rory simply says “You quit, ya bitch.”

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Sad Boi

In Rory’s new journal entry he says that he slept all day and awoke at 4:47 because his landlady was complaining about his smell. He then says that she has five kids by five fathers and she cheats off welfare. Whatever the fuck that means. He sucks. Anyways, then he writes next that New York screams like retarded children. I also am unsure of what he means by that.

Rory decides to go to a bar whilst judging everyone who goes to bars. He knows the bartender and terrifies him with his mere presence. But Rory isn’t here to kill anyone he just wants information on the killing.

But then this drunk guy just HAS to say something. When Rory says the dead guy is a friend of his, the drunk guy quips that Rory must have changed his deodorant if he has friends. Rory walks over to the drunk guy and bends his finger back for talking shit.

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What’s more tragic than having your fingers broken one by one? Choosing to wear a polka dot suit. 

Rory then asks the room “Who killed Edward Blake?” But no one answers so he breaks the drunk guy’s next finger. And so on and so forth, until he realizes that no one knows anyone. He says the city is infected with rabies and he will now abscond to be with a better “class of person” and leave these drunks to discuss heroin and child pornography.

INTERESTING.

Rory goes to visit another old friend, Adrien Veidt, AKA Ozymandias. Rory says “Hey guy you’re smart what happened to the Comedian?” Ozy is all “buh, idk? Maybe the russians or some other politcal party?” Rory is all “No way, hoe. We got Doc Manhattan. Errybody afraid of Mericans.” Ozy is like “Well, I’m sure he has other haters the guy was basically a freaking Nazi.” Rory is like “he kept working and didn’t sell out on his image like you did with all of your Barbie dolls in your likeness. He ain’t a prostitute like you are. And if working hard makes you a Nazi, then I’m a Nazi too.” Ozy is like “yeah that’s obvious. Anyways, I quit being a hero because it was my choice and you’re being mean because I have Barbie doll royalties.”

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Damn prostitutes.

Rory is like “okay whatever, I just came here to warn you that someone is targeting heroes. I’ll see myself out.” Then he just walks out of a window. And this guy’s place is higher up than the comedians. So then he falls to his death. And that was it. Pretty boring shit.

Rory goes to his next set of his buddies and it’s Laurie and Dr. Manhattan. HOORAY!

Laurie is all “GTFO, Rory, you’re wanted for crimes and this is a government base.”

Rory is all “oh shit, a girl….Oh I just came by to tell you that the Comedian is dead.”

Dr.M: Yeah we know, bitch. I work for the government and so did he. This is old news.

Rory: Yeah but I think it’s a whole big thing, not an isolated incident.

Dr. M: I don’t care. Live bodies and dead bodies are the same. I’m emo. She’s into it. That’s all that matters.

Laurie: Hey, I’m still here and guess the fuck what? I hate the Comedian because he tried to rape my mom. So there.

Rory: Yeah, tried. Didn’t succeed. Also men get horny. who cares? Three no’s and yes means yes, heller.

Laurie: I hate you. Jon make this loser leave.

Dr. M: Hey get out, you’re pissing Laurie off and she’s the only human being I feel anything for, so ya know, if she gets mad at me, that’s kinda it.

Rory: Um I came to warn you and your hoe that there’s someone targeting us for MURDER! And I’m not leaving until I-

Then Rory just disappears and reappears outside. Because Dr. Manhattan not only has a large, blue dick, he can use it.

Dr. M: Hey Laurie, u mad?

Laurie: I’m just so grossed out by that guy. He’s like weird af and a nazi. He doesn’t like women and has never been inside of a vagina and IT SHOWS. Also he smells and has a monotone voice. There I said it.

Laurie: I’ve calmed down a bit, and I want to get drunk now.

Dr. M: I don’t do that.

Laurie: Well, Rory mentioned Nite Owl. That Danny nerd. I’ll call him up and hang with him if you don’t mind.

Dr. M: Well okay, even though you clearly didn’t invite me, I just want to let you know that I can’t go because I want to keep working.

Laurie: K, thanks bye. Let me know if you see anything in the future that could possibly change our relationship status if you just told me to just stay here tonight.

Dr. M: Yeah, that’s not really my thing.

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Laurie: I’m going to fuck Dan.      Dr. M: yeah I know.

So Laurie and Danny make a date.

BACK TO RORY’S V IMPORTANT JOURNAL.

Rory realizes that nobody cares about the Comedian’s death except him. He says that there is only good and evil, which okay no. He’s crazy. He thinks he’s good when he’s clearly bad. What a nut. Chaotic Good or is he Lawful Good? I feel like he is Lawful evil. ANYWAYS. BACK TO LAURIE AND DANNY’S DATE.

Laurie wears her sluttiest dress to see her old friend. She offers to pay for the tab and that makes Danny uncomfortable, because Danny is neutral good. maybe lawful…anyways she is like “listen I work for the government and they’re picking up this tab because fuck em. I’m only around because it makes Jon happy.”

Danny: Are things okay with you and Jon?

Laurie: Sure. Except I’m 35 and I’m dating an ageless man. AND I WANT A BABY PROBABLY.

Danny: Mhm.

Laurie: What have I done with my life? I became a superhero for my stupid mom. Now I’m a pet for a superhuman man. Remember the slutty costume I used to wear so embarrassing.

Danny: Oh yeah. I remember. Supes embarrassing. Hehe.

Laurie: Hey let’s reminisce more about the old times.

Danny: Okay. Remember that guy who got off on getting beat up by heroes?

Laurie: Yeah he pretended to be a super villain. I beat him outside of a jewelers.

Danny: One time he just chased me down screaming “hit me”

Laurie: Whatever happened to that guy?

Danny: Rory pushed him down an elevator shaft.

Laurie: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Danny: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Laurie: A man is dead and I shouldn’t be laughing but God damn it that’s hilarious. Why don’t I ever laugh anymore?

Danny: The Comedian is dead.

BOOM ROASTED!

Then the comic book shows an excerpt from Hollis’ the original Nite Owl’s novel. Cause he wrote a tell-all.

It was boring.

OKAY THANKS FOR INDULGING ME BYE!!

 

Hit Girl Season Two Issue #9 Recap

Hit-Girl is finally going to India!

I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.

Or were we?

I digress.

Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.

Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!

We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.

What kinda fucking breakfast is that?! You want these kids shitting all over the walls?!

Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?

She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.

But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.

So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.

“I’m a collector of three-limbed children. Hmm yes, just another rich man’s hobby!”

The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.

Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.

Nice necklace lock.

She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.

A thirteen year old girl just sliced a man’s forehead in front of us! COOL!! That will not scar us for life at all!!!

Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.

It’s not a sex thing? So like he’s totally not interested in little boys in a sexual way? Would he be sexually interested if you were missing a limb? He would. Okay yeah it’s a sex thing. Everything is a friggin sex thing.

He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?

Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.

So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.

The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.

The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.

Technically they have, too.

Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.

CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS

A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.

Why is everybody so mad at prostitutes?!

The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”

And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.

CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.

Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if he survived and just got mutilated and then joined that gang she’s trying to find, and then he comes back like you did this to me!! And she’s like Whoaaaa!! WHOAAA!!!

Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.

She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.

WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING LONG RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS SASHES BEHIND YOU?!

She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?

No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.

Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.

The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”

The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.

Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”

Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.

Do you think the guy in the third panel is stuttering “nah-new” or saying “Ca-new?” Like canoe. “I canoe it!!!”

She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.

She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.

CUT TO: rich guys place

The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”

Wow you’re missing half a finger. Yeah that’s a reason to go around cutting limbs off of homeless boys in Mumbai. I’ve never heard of a reason that someone WOULD start cutting limbs off of people so this seems reason enough. Geeze, villains don’t even need a strong motive anymore.

BUM BUM BAHHH

So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!

Baii!!!!

Dead Eyes Issue #1 Recap!

I’m excited about this one.

Mainly because it began with a nod to Regina George.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

Okay betches, we outchea. Let’s talk about Dead Eyes Issue #1 from Image.

Another fucking banger from Image. Damn. Are we proud or what?

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Look. They just wrote it out.

These guys were like, listen, this comic book betch really fucking hates having to type out everything about who wrote this shit that she is “invested in” and “truly enjoys” so you would think she would lovee to take a second out of her measley fucking day to thank us for bringing her hours of entertainment that she then makes fun of on her mediocre “blog.”

Wow guys, fucking rude. But I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Thank you again for dedicating an entire page of the book to just your names.

Why am I having a fight in my head with the editors of Image? I really can’t even begin to hash this out. Someone remind me to talk to my therapist about this. And by therapist, I mean my best friend’s dog.

Yeah, I don’t even have my own dog.

Don’t remind me.

So I’m super into this comic book. I really only got it, honestly based on the cover. It reminded me of Sin City/ Watchmen type shit and I was down for that.

It is right up those comics ally though, because it is filled with intrigue, thuggish fiends, and a male protagonist that has a gold-plated heart of blacknesses. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

Anyways, as a basic betch, I was super into how it started. Everyone was talking about Dead Eyes like he was the Regina George of Boston. They said shit like “his hair is insured for $10,000” and “I hear he does car commercials in Japan” and “omg one time he punched me in the face, it was awesome.”

 

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One time he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.

 

They go on to say that he was basically a Robin Hood type since he robbed big businesses and drug dealers. According to the news, he made one big steal for 10 million dollars and that he hasn’t been seen since 1997. They undercut the footage of them saying 10 million and cut to a guy sitting in the dark watching the news saying 12 million. So I guess he stole that from that guy.

I want a tamale. That is all.

CUT TO: What dead eyes is up to present day. He lives in a little house in Boston with his lady, Megan. Megan is in a wheelchair and he has hemorrhoids. So things have not been going great. Megan is watching TV in her wheelchair and she’s excited because they’re talking about her mans on the telly. #DeadEyesIsBae

 

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I also prefer to face a wall when the TV is on. WAY TO GO, MEGAN!

 

The news story is basically highlighting all of his crazy ass vigilante bs. And he gets in the shower and says the 90s weren’t as fun as they’re making it out to be on the news.

Aw. Sad.

Anyways, now the Dead Eyes vigilante is just some dork with a sweater vest. And he has to spoon-feed his girlfriend. Which goes to show how good a guy this vigilante really is. BECAUSE VIGILANTES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN COPS. ALL COPS DO IS SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE AND EAT DOUGHNUTS. THERE I SAID IT. omg you know what would be really funny? Like a sketch where these cops, I wanna say one is definitely played by Kenan Thompson (cause it would only work if the cop was black otherwise it would be a hate crime kinda sketch and racists would be like this is great completely missing the point that it is satire folks!) and the other one is hmmm idk either Pete Davidson or Kyle Mooney I’m leaning Kyle Mooney, and its like the first day for Kyle, and Kenan’s character is like “it’s pretty straightforward man, we basically chill out and eat doughnuts until there is some sort of emergency.” And then a black man approaches asking for help and Kenan just shoots him and Kyle is like “whoa what the fuck he just needed help!” and Kenan is like “idk man it’s just protocol.” And then maybe the black guy looked a little seedy idk. But then it gets increasing more obvious that they’re just shooting black people for no reason, because then it’s a black woman and then it’s black children. IDK. That would probably not make it to air, but I’m laughing. Oh God. Should I delete this? I’m sorry you had to read that. I have a dark sense of humor I suppose. It certainly would never make it to air because it makes light of a controversial and very sad VERY REAL situation sorry to get political. I hate cops. I DIGRESS.

 

IMG_1828 (1)
A FEEDER KINK

 

They’re in love I guess. She refuses to eat the veggies he cooked which is shitty and I’m pretty sure she still can use her hands so I don’t understand why he is spoon-feeding her. I’m highly disturbed because it’s probably a kink. IDK.

Anyways, she tells him he’s going to be late for “tee time” which I originally read as “tea time” and I was like “oh shit they’re british.” but then he grabbed some golf clubs and left the house. HOWMEVER, it turns out he doesn’t go golfing everyday. He goes to greet people at the MART. He’s an old man greeter for Wal-Mart. Something that, my father who is in his 70s, cannot ever do because he is not genial enough. BUT APPARENTLY THIS MURDERER CAN.

Anyways he lies to his bitch because she’d be sad if she knew what he was really doing I guess. IDK. Boys are dumb.

 

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These tiny, old houses next to that modern apartment building. SO fucking accurate.

 

So they ran out of money and now he hangs out at the Mart to make some extra dough but he vigilantes on the side ’cause in this economic climate everybody need a side hustle : See Comic Book Betch Blog. He uses the Mart as his way to find people to murder. For example, he finds first-time murderers all the freaking time!

Because their carts all look the same.

 

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Oooo Drain-o can get rid of a body?? NOTE TO SELF!

 

So he swoops in and realizes that he’s seen this guy before with the same cart. Only this time his head is shaved. But he still recognizes him. He decides that he will check the guy out so he tells the cashier he is going to that the boss wants to talk to her so he can check the murderer guy out instead. The guy tries to pay in cash and Dead Eyes is all “oh sorry can’t do cash because the girl I booted out of here is in charge of the register so you can pay by credit and I’ll need to see an ID. SMOOTH AF. ANd the mo fucka almost does it. He gives the card and so Dead Eyes gets the name and then hands over the ID and Dead Eyes gets his address. Then the murderer guy is like actually I’m not going to pay by credit card and nopes the fuck out of there. Dead Eyes is all “okay, cool.” but deep down he’s like “Bitch I got yo address.”

 

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Is he a fucking ginger? I literally did not even realize until this moment.

 

So Dead Eyes decides to go to that address after his shift I guess and he confronts the murderer man.

 

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Thank God you wear a mask, you no soul-having ass ginger.

 

He enters the house as the crazy-ass mother fucker he is.

He smells something bad and follows his nose towards it. He finds a locked door, but before he can open it he is discovered. Also the guy has a knife with him. WHO WALKS AROUND THEIR HOUSE WITH A KNIFE? JUST ME? OKAY.

But Dead Eyes was expecting to get caught so he ready for him.

 

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Oh, pleased to meet you. I’m Dead Eyes. 

 

So they fight. Dead Eyes wins. Otherwise, this would be a very short run of comics. But he lets him live. However another dude, the guys partner or roommate whatever shows up and that would have taken Dead Eyes by surprise but as it turns out the roommate is a big fan of Dead Eyes and freaks out for a second which gives Dead Eyes the upper hand to murder his ass. But not kill him. Just to punch the ground on which he stands.

 

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OUCH MY FLOOR!

 

So yeah he beats them up and they’re like please let us live and he’s like okay I’ll let you live whatever. Then he goes to the locked basement door or whatever and finds whats in there. And it’s three girls living in filth. So he decides to not let the dudes live and instead he murders them because yeah you can’t have dudes like these walking around the earth.

 

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The craziest shit about this is that this really happens. SMFH.

So yeah Dead Eyes finishes the job and calls 911 because he’s a vigilante and can’t bring these hoes to safety. So he drives home. The cops don’t bother him because he’s just an old white man driving on the road and he gets home but Megan is awake and she knows something is up.

 

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SITUATION: Your BF comes home at 4am smelling like blood and sweat. WHAT DO YOU DO?? A: He must be a vigilante fighting for justice! YAY!  B: Are fucking serious, n*gga? Pack your shit and go motha fucka. TO THE LEFT!

 

Dead Eyes has to explain himself to Megan, she’s upset because she doesn’t want him putting himself in danger I guess. IDK. I can’t place her feelings because she immediately has a seizure.

 

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AND HER SHOES ARE FALLING OFF!

 

CUT TO: That one guy who said “12 million” earlier but now he has more friends and they are still hanging out in the dark. Fucking kinky ass weirdos. I’m a kink-shamer btw. Don’t share unless you wanna be grilled.

They discuss that the women that dead eyes saved described their savior as having “dead eyes” oooo. So now these white men know that this other vigilante white man is back. And they’re shaking in their expensive ass boots.

 

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This bitch is so Audacious he really think this guy has been living under a rock instead of his tiny house. Wow, he a real ass-bitch.

 

OOOO MAYBE! Anyways I’m intrigued. I’m V into this new series MEOW. I have many books to read coming up. If you want me to recap something you’ve read please let me know in the comments.

TE AMO!!!

-CBB

 

Pandemica #1 Comic Book Recap

ERMERGERDD Y’ALL.

Once in a while I stumble across a comic book that really gets me thinking. Pandemica is one of those.

I was blown away by the awesomeness of this comic book, but when I shared the plot with a friend of mine he said it was a bit too “on the nose” for his taste. Well, now YOU can be the judges of that. For me, Pandemica was the fucking shit. For him, it was just shit. So I definitely want to know ya’lls opinion.

Now for the thankings. This story was written by Jonathan Maberry. ART by Alex Sanchez.  COLORS by Jay Fotos. LETTERS by Shawn Lee.

We begin with Chapter 1: APTLY TITLED- GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS.

Which honestly, would be such a great name for a hip hop album, but I digress.

We begin two months ago with this dude or female IDFK in a hazmat suit pouring some green liquid into the pipes of detention complex while one lone and old ass security guard walks around with a gun not noticing shit. The mission was so easy that he is legit in and out.

 

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He looks so guilty.

 

So, cut to, all of these detainees, dead and their bodies in bags. None of the guards were hurt by it, none of the staff of the detention just the fucking prisoners. It is baffling.

 

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What is in the plug.

 

Now the news got hold of it and some fat man with a cigar that gives off way too much smoke is talking to his daughter about the news and what they’re saying. I’m assuming these two are the bad guys because they’re upset that the media figured it out. BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T THE MEDIA FIGURE IT OUT. THEY’RE BEING SO DAMN OPEN ABOUT IT. Yeah 90,000 people are dead. That’s fine. Look the other way.

 

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Daddy, look we’re on TV!!

 

Let me explain,

The news guy is all “CHIKUNGUNYA is a virus usually spread by bug bites that had a mortality rate of one in a thousand, but there is a new strain of it, (New strain as in someone fucked with the original strain and weaponized it) that has a mortality rate of 70%. The pattern of its spreading makes absolutely no fucking sense because only certain people are dying from it. Like tribes that are literally right next to each other, one will die and the other tribe will have no deaths. And places that are getting hit are detention centers filled with immigrants, poor neighborhoods in Mexico, in Haiti, Puerto Rico, poor areas of India. BASICALLY IF YOU ARE BROWN AND POOR THEN YOU ARE GETTING KILLED BY THIS VIRUS.

 

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Hazmat Man 1: Whoa dude there’s like a camera here. Hazmat Man 2: Whooaaa.

 

(So, basically I’m next.)

Now there’s an interview with a handsome black newsman and one Mister Dr. Katz.

Dr. Katz believes this is a weaponized attack on the poorest people and people of color. The newsman is like “you’re quite bold to say that. It’s not possible.”

 

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Nice suit, Edgar.

 

And Dr. Katz is all “Oh mother fucker it is possible look at all this damning evidence.”

And the newsman is like “What? Are you saying someone is deliberating mass murdering people?”

And Dr. Katz is like “Yeah. It’s not mother nature. She’s a bitch but she ain’t a racist. This is an ethnic bio-weapon. Someone is selling GENOCIDE.”

 

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IT’S PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS, EDGAR!

 

BUHM BUH BUHHH!!!

Oh it’s so crazy and it hit me in the heart because damn we are so close to this happening and what a damn shame amiright? Like how scary!! America already kind of does this shit on not a bio-level attack, but they make it impossible for people of color to get decent paying jobs and insurance and education…and OMG WE ALREADY DO IT! DON’T YOU SEE???!! AMERICA IS PANDEMICA.

I digress again.

So, now everybody is worried about Dr. Katz because he went on TV and called out the higher ups for planting genocide attacks. And now all of the congressmen want him fired and the President is off tweeting about what a liar Dr. Katz is, so he decides to quit his job which I have no idea what his fucking job is. I guess he is a Doctor with a TV show or something. Anyways, he goes on multiple TV shows and speaks at multiple town halls getting the word out as best as he can. Luckily he is a secret millionaire. ALWAYS A V LUCKY THING TO BE.

So he decides to create a taskforce of doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers, and investigators so that he can get to the bottom of this genocide.

 

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YEAH SO SCARED I’M SHAKING IN MY $5,000 SUIT! WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS I SPILL SOME COFFEE ON MY $6,300 SUIT!! COME ON!

 

BACK TO THE FAT MAN WITH THE CIGAR.

Now fat man is talking to a hit man named Loverboy. Loverboy chooses to wear a large winter jacket but no shirt underneath. He has very strong pecs and a six or maybe 8 pack while in a sitting position. So he is jacked. But it is never answered to why he doesn’t wear a shirt but chooses to wear a heavy jacket that he leaves open. I will be emailing the artists to ask them if this was an artistic choice or maybe I’ll email the writer and ask him if this is truly something the character of Loverboy would do, and then I would want to dive into his psyche to figure out why. Because, to me, this makes absolutely no fucking sense. OKAY THANKS BYE.

 

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Redhead: Loverboy, did, um…did you forget to put on a shirt today?

 

Dr. Katz is on his car phone, ya know where you can talk on the phone but it comes out of the speaker of the car so you can keep your hands on 10 and 2? Eyes on the road buddy.

He decides to get the “band back together.” Seems he was on another special forces team. He’s not just a regular Doctor, he’s a cool doctor. SO he’s on the phone getting this special team together when a truck comes out of NOWHERE and hits him.

 

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Whoops.

 

And that’s the first hit. He survives but the truck driver says he just left a bar so he’ll get arrested for drunk driving and they’ll deal with him in jail. UNFORTUNATELY FOR LOVERBOY Dr. Katz is a reformed alchoholic and no longer drinks. So he passes a breathalizer and asks the cop to check the traffic cam. The traffic cam doesn’t have any footage conveniently so Dr. Katz goes home.

Loverboy says there are other ways to kill him, so give him a week and Dr. MOSES Katz will be dead. A little too ON the NOSE of a first name as well, but we’ll let it happen.

The next day, Moses meets up with a woman that he used to work with. ON his special team or whatever. They meet up for coffee and discuss working together again she thinks his idea is illegal and she reminds him that after Syria their “team” stopped working together for good reason. Mostly the reason is that the team is dead except for one other guy and the other guy, “Chick” blames the woman for “what happened” and I believe the “what happened” is that all their team died.

 

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This bitch nails’ are fleeky

 

She isn’t quite keen on joining him in his conspiracy theory thing, but she does find the accident to be a little “hinky” because the traffic cam wasn’t available so she agrees to investigate that at least.

She checks out a little bodega near where the accident occured. The man at the bodega says he does a camera that faces that way and he found it odd that the police did not want to check it.

She checks out the security footage and lets Moses know that he is not crazy and there is indeed someone following him and blah blah.

What she doesn’t know is that someone is following her too. She takes to the streets after making the call and a homeless man bumps into her and calls her a bitch, then these three people attack her.

 

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OOO SHE DONE USED ONE GUYS BODY TO HIT ANOTHER GUY IN THE HEAD LOL

 

After beating all these people up she gets fired at by a gunman in a car. She pulls out her own gun and fires at the people who attacked her when she notices where the other gunfire is actually coming from. Loverboy is in the car. And guess what? She fucking knows him. FROM SYRIA. Omg they used to be friends. This goes DEEPER than we thought.

 

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And a single tear fell from her eye. Okay it didn’t but they should have played that shit up.

 

De’neesa is the woman’s name, so I should probably start calling her that instead of woman, and she makes a call to “Chick” Chick is a ginger with freckles and he’s gross and I don’t trust him. He is also wearing an army uniform so that adds to my distrust. Never trust a man in uniform. ANYWAYS she makes a call to Chick and she’s like guess what Chick, I didn’t kill Loverboy he’s alive I saw him. And he’s like “well he must be a zombie then because we both saw him die.” Whatta fucking goon.

 

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Hey, stay on your knees while I make this phone call? Thanks.

 

Anyways more convo:

D: So we took away a briefcase from the Russians, that was one of Loverboy’s tricks you know that one. He pulled that same one on me outside of the Bodega.

C: Okay, now I believe you because he used the same style to jump you as he did to the Russians. That’s all it took, I am 100% on your side now.

D: Loverboy’s death broke us apart, our entire team. But now we know that it was all a part of something bigger. He scammed us. This was part of his plan.

C: Well now I feel like a patsie. Whatever that is. I mourned him like a brother and he’s still alive according to you and this one story which I 100% agree with even though I saw nothing with my own eyes. And it does seem out of character for me as I held a grudge against you for several years but all of a sudden you call me and say “hey I didn’t kill loverboy he faked his death” and now everything is PEACHY.

D: Great. So uh, what you up to?

C: I heard about Moses’ conspiracy before this and honestly I’m dealing with the same thing over here in Africa or something. I caught these Bantu cocksuckers trying to dump some biohazard waste into a Congolese village. I’m going to go beat the shit out of them now, so I gotta go. See you soon, I’ll be on the first flight out. BAII!!!

D: Have fun!! Baiii!!

 

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Even that guy who is about to get his ass beat is just rolling his eyes at how corny this Chick dude is.

 

NEXT SCENE

Moses and De’Neesa call a meeting so they can their new team together and it’s a bunch of weirdos and POC. THE RESISTANCE!!!

 

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“Designer bio-weapons” by Givenchy out now.

 

Moses gives them a beautiful speech about how “We have to stop this” Because “no one else will” and because of Chick they now have the evidence to show that they are right.

Loverboy and the Fat man and his daughter the girl catch wind that Moses has now formed this team and they’re scared.

The daughter says that because they have what they sold to the Bantu they can reverse engineer it and tie it all back to them. Loverboy is like “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, doll.”

He don’t GAF. AND he is still not wearing a SHIRT!!

 

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Shocking how they could fit the fat man in that small of a panel.

 

WTF???

Oh and then this happens.

 

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I ‘ont no dis bitch

 

 

 

 

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy #1 Recap

Hola. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.

I’m in a mood today.

A mixed emotional one because I’m reviewing a comic book about two bad bitches that I love. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.

I’m not crazy into DC stuff as we all know. I’m like a total hipster now because I’m not all about the mainstream anymore.

My cat is currently going buckwild on my pumpkin decorations.

Yeah, um anyways. THIS IS A 6-ISSUE MINI SERIES BY JODY HOUSER, ADRIANA MELO, MARK MORALES, and HI-FI

The mini series begin with a prologue by Harley. Harley ponders back on her wonderful friendship with Ivy, and remembers when Ivy died in Heroes in Crisis. Luckily, Ivy gave Harley a flower and she grew from the flower. Because that’s normal and fine. And JUST TAKE IT OKAY?

 

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Why is that bed so firm?? Are they sleeping on wooden planks?

 

So they’re like chillin at a diner or something and some annoying ass kid is like “Why is Poison Ivy naked and green?”

So Harley yells at the kid and they decide to go shopping so Ivy can get a new outfit. But in the dressing room she like became this nasty ass clump of green mess.

 

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New look, same bangs.

 

So Harley takes her home in a bag and then sends her to bed. Then Harley grabs some box from her basement and we get a flashback of where she got said box which was from some bitch-ass robot.

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Why is he carrying it like that? That could get knocked out of his arms so damn quick??

 

So she takes this box she had in the basement and goes to Ivy’s room and tells her that its a brand new delivery from Lex Luthor. It is fertilizer with a note that says it will help her. Ivy takes it and eats it or something but Harley has a “bad feeling” well if that isn’t a dead giveaway then IDK what the fuck is.

So then Harley goes to her room to cry about how she didn’t get a present from Lex Luthor and then Ivy goes to take a nap and cocoon herself inside all of the bushes in her room.

They wake up the next day and Ivy has clothes on and Harley is excited that she looks better. She wonders if the fertilizer worked but Ivy said not all of her powers were restored.

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WHY IS THE COFFEE SMOKING LIKE THAT

Ivy says she needs to go live somewhere else because, although Harley put a bunch of plants all over the place, she needs more. So Harley said they’ll go together but their next move should be that they become heroes. She came up with this idea while asleep because Flash killed Ivy last time and he’s a good guy so Harley has decided the world is already broken if good guys are killing people so its no fun to break it anymore. Or at least that’s the bitch-ass cop-out reason the writer came up with.

Harley is bored and decides to become a hero. Poison Ivy has no mind of her own and follows Harley into the abyss.

K thanks.

Just when it was getting boring, the plant on Harley’s kitchen table comes alive and attacks her. Harley is like wtf, Ivy? And Ivy is all “It’s not me!” Then they’re all “then who?”

And then we find out… It’s some bitch boy.

 

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You can place flowers on any part of your body and you opt for a fucking shawl??

 

So this bitch boy who is a DRAMATIC AF jerk is like “Hey Ivy, the Parliamant of Flowers is in my grasp.” And Ivy is like “You’re not their champion. I am.”

And then Bitch Boy says ” I’m going to make use of you and TAKE the power.”

OOOOO! Wonder what will happen next! Well we don’t have to wait because issue #2 is already fucking out. But I’m a lazy ass bitch and I only posted this recap today!!

HOW DID YOU LIKE ISSUE #1?? Are you sticking around for Issue 2?? What do you think of Bitch Boy???

Deadpool Acts of Evil Issue #1 Recap!!

Got my hands on a pretty sweet annual this week. It’s nice to be back to reading my comics. I can’t tell you how far I’ve fallen behind this summer. Now that it’s getting cold out and I’ll never leave my house again, I get to catch up on all my favorite heroes. And when I made my trip to the comic book store this week I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to pick up a new Deadpool.

I don’t want to bore you with the gory details, so let’s get into this recap.

Deadpool Acts of Evil starts with this kid having a nightmare. He is walking down this long, spooky hallway holding a candle stick and at the end of the hallway is this scary ass lawn gnome. Lawn gnomes suck. They’re just ugly little ghouls who sit in your yard.

 

Then we find Deadpool who is playing a game at an arcade where he shoots babies.

With vaccinations.

He’s not some crazy ass goose.

This mailman finds him and gives him a letter from the Nightmare kid which spurs Deadpool into calling the mailman every name of every famous mailman from TV ever. I didn’t recognize 99% of the refrences. Sooooo, nice try tho. It was almost a funny bit.

Deadpool absconds with the mailman’s truck and makes his way to the little boy’s house. His hot babysitter, Kim, answers the door and Deadpool hilariously mistakes her for the boys mother.

The boy hears Deadpool arrive and believes it to be Squirrel Girl. He is surprised and somewhat upset that it’s not Squirrel Girl as he wrote to her 200 times about his nightmares and wrote to Deadpool only once. The boy’s room is also covered in Squirrel Girl memorbilia. The child is a freak, but Deadpool is the reason that bitch is famous now so I guess it was a clever callback.

I seem like I hate this story, because I’m a salty little bitch, but trust me it gets good.

Deadpool learns that Kim is the babysitter and not the boys mom. The boy explains that she watches him on weekends and his neighbor, Mr. Hewitt, watches him during the week. Meanwhil his parents vacation on their fourth honeymoon.

Deadpool hears the boys story about his bad dreams and realizes that he needs to get into the boy’s nightmares to kill the perp. SO the only place he can go is Dr. Strange’s Sanctamonium. Obviously.

He breaks his ass in and steals a totem from Dr. Strange’s collection of mysterious objects meanwhile some bald ass monk ninja’s him with some crazy moves. This is all well and good though because in order for Deadpool to enter the dreamworld he has to die. So he hurls himself out of a window, naturally.

It works and he ends up in a Nightmare land that Neil Gaiman would be envious of.

He meets the aptly named villian, Nighmare. Nightmare is this green guy who looks kind of like Loki? Mixed with the guy who played the Crow? Idk. He’s a nightmare. So turns out the Nightmare feeds on fears or something and speaks in rhymes. He tortures some of the most famous people in the world, such as Queen Marie Antoinette and President Abraham Lincoln. Ripe for spin-off. We could learn some shit!!

Anyways Nightmare is like: now I’m going to feed of your fears, Deadpool!

And Deadpool is like: well, I fear clowns, cows, and clown cows but I’m not here to fight them. I’m hear to save this boy from a terrible fate.

So Nightmare is all: I only feed off their fears and let them bring their fears to my realm. Whatever goes on in their shitty lives outside of this that creates the nightmare is not really my problem. Ya dig?

So Deadpool is all: Oh, so the nightmares are coming from something bad happening in his waking life, got it. Thanks for your Ted Talk. Can you show me the nightmare so I can figure it out.

Nightmare: Yeah, totes. Here ya go.

Then he shows Deadpool the nightmare of the lawn gnome running at the boy and Deadpool is like oh shit. I gotta wake up and be alive again because now I gots to kill someone in real life.

He rips off the amulet and comes back to life after hurling himself out of the window you know? So theres like this crowd of people like “omg is he dead?” But then he just gets up and this one guy is like “go to a hospital!” And Deadpool is like “erm, how about no, Scott.”

*Triggering*

Then he makes them pay for his uber back to the kids house so he can catch the NEIGHBOR MR. HEWITT right before he attacks the little boy. As it turns out the nieghbor had been creating the nightmares the little boy was experiencing because he was a pedophile. The worst kinda fuck up.

So Deadpool beats the shit out of him. SO hard in fact, I’m pretty sure the pedophile is dead. Which  is great because you know once he got better he would go back to fucking little boys again.

The little boy wakes up and is like :Deadpool? What’s going on.

And Deadpool is like : You owe me 7 dollars.

So DP jumps out of another window after taking his payment, this time he lands successfully on his two feet.

Dr. Strange comes out of the glowing hole he likes to come out of and yells at him like wtf, hoe? You broke into my GoTDAMN home. SO Deadpool is like yeah to help a little boy, yeesh. Here’s your dumbass amulet back I don’t even want it anymore.

So Dr Strange is like, did the amulet work? What happened? Ooo.

And Deadpool is like, I saw some dreams and met a guy named Nightmare.

Then an old woman approaches them on the street to ask if they are magicians because she needs someone to be an act at her son or grandson’s birthday party. She is old af so IDK how she has a 12 year old. She looks about 80. BUt white people age like milk so I guess she could be 50?

ANYWAYS Dr. Strange leaves in his fire hole and Deadpoool is like I’ll do it, but she don’t want him. So he just leaves.

THE END.

Wow. I feel like I learned something and I felt something. When I first read it, I was like holy shit. Deadpool for some reason has become the hero that can talk about the hard things in life. I remember the comic book Marvel did with him about the girl who was going to commit suicide and he took her on a long trip to show her that life has meaning, especially hers. It was a beautiful take. And I personally liked how they did this comic.

Have you read Deadpool Acts of Evil yet??

What did you think!? Let me know in the comments!!

Deadpool Acts of Evil was Written by: Dana Schwartz

Penciled by: Reilly Brown

Inked by : Nelson De Castro and Craig Yeung

Color: Matt Herms and Guru-2fx

Cover by Aaron Kruder and Michael Garland

Variant cover by: John Tyler Christopher

 

 

 

West Coast Avengers #1 (2018) RECAP!

I’m soooo late.

But I’m here, right?

So let’s recap West Coast Avengerrrsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Written by Kelly Thompson

Artist: Stefano Caselli

Yeh.

I’ve recapped some pretty badass indie comics, but you know me and how much I love my Marvel for the money shit. I mean they’re paying the stacks so they’re getting the talent here. West Coast is kitschy. I like it. I lol’d because Kelly Thompson is hilarious and I pretend she’s my best friend every day. WHAT? NO I DON’T! YOU’RE CRAZY!

You are.

Annnyyywaayyss,

So what I’m getting as I read this comic book is that they are on a reality TV show and Old Man Hawkeye, as he likes to be called now, is having issues understanding the whole concept of what it means to be on a reality show. So why is there a reality show you ask? Because Young Woman Hawkeye, as she likes to be called now, decided to gather a group of her buddies and create an “Avengers” team for the West Coast. Very original idea, I know. But before we laugh at Marvel as they laugh all the way to the bank let’s think about how many Goddamn Spider-Mans there are in this universe and how many times all of them have been killed and then we can start discussing this remake of the Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Alladin, West Coast Avengers.

The comic book begins in the future or the present, idk, then we go to the past or the present, idk. But OM Hawkeye is defending Kate Bishop as leader of this bullshit brigade.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 9.52.32 PM

And then we get a gratuitous scene of the team forming because of a tragedy or whatever.

They did it! Yay! Go team! Nom pizza!

Obviously, after this team-up, Kate gets the brilliant idea to form a team. And she’s like “um, idk. How about you do it, Clint?” and Clint is all “I don’t live here.” And Kate’s all “I called literally everyone I know.” And America Chavez is all “What about Noh-varr?” And Kate’s all “I’m not calling my ex boyfriend ew!” And Kate’s boyfriend whose name I forgot is all “What kind of name is that?” And Clint is all “The kind of name where you better hope she doesn’t call, man.”

OUCH! Clint is the sassiest.

So Kate decides that’s fine she’ll make a team. So she does what any responsible 20 something would do and creates a flyer.

BUT WHO WILL BE ON THE TEAM THEN!?

Well, she has to interview a lot of dopes. I don’t need to recap this because if you’ve seen Deadpool 2 it’s like that except everyone is hoping that she is Old Man Hawkeye instead of Young Woman Hawkeye.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.02.19 PM
People ARE this dumb. Crazy, right?

But eventually this crazy ass bitch shows up.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.04.59 PM
Dammnit now I want tacos.

And then the four plus one, team because Old Man Hawkeye isn’t “full-time” get together and discuss their newfound group, when Gwendolyn asks about a paycheck. Kate replies that no one wants to fund them. Enter this douchebag;

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.06.26 PM
As the old adage goes, “wherever a douchebag goes, a reality TV crew will follow”

And so they sold out to be on reality TV.

And now that guy Quentin is on the team and I just hate him. You know names have power, okay? And if you’re gonna do that to someone do it to someone you hate, not someone you gave birth to.

Anyways, the team gets all settled in. Kate and her bf Johnny get cozy while in the next room, Quentin and Gwenpool are arguing because Gwen piled a bunch of wet towels on the floor of Quentin’s bedroom. And Quentin is all “why?” And Gwen is all, “I thought that’s how you liked your towels, wet and piled on the floor.” BURNNN!!!

Cause he’s a messy roommate. Get it?

No? Okay. Well then they get called out to take care of some superhero business finally and it’s none other than a giant Tygra terrorizing the West Coast. Wow what a throwback thirsty thursday amiright??

They’re pulling out all the stops.

So Quentin decides he’s gonna fuck her shit up, but it’s Old Man Hawkeye’s friend so he’s like “erm, no, that’s my friend.” And Quentin is like I’m gonna hurt her, then Tygra punched him far, far away.

Later in his interview room with the reality show people he’s all “I’m cool. I was distracted trying to protect the powerless Hawkeye. Wahhh.”

Luckily as Quentin is about to slam into a building, Gwen saves him by shooting a blob out of a gun and it stops him from hitting the side of the building, but I can’t imagine that it stopped him from falling 50 feet from the building, but I digress.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 11.16.03 PM
Cute.

So then there’s a battle, blah blah blah. GUESS WHO WINS?
NOT THE WEST COAST AVENGERS!

They can’t defeat her so this golden man swoops in with six-pack abs and decides to save the day. His name is B.R.O.D.A.K. So it’s obviously M.O.D.O.K.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 11.20.08 PM

So what did ya’ll think? I have to be honest I’ve read more than the first issue, and I have to say it’s pretty campy but it’s fun! Don’t we need a break from the cries that are surely to come in this week’s Game of Thrones episode! Not everything has to be the Sandman after all!

 

 

 

 

Apologies

Just wanted to take a minute to apologize about assigning a gender to Niki in the Moth and the Whisper. It was revealed in the second issue that Niki is genderqueer and therefore identifies as they/them/theirs. I will go back and edit, but I wanted to make this statement first in case someone thinks I went back all sneaky-like to fix my errors. I shouldn’t have assumed and also I probably should have read the summary? I am dumb. Goodbye.

Moth & Whisper comic book recap issue #1

This is gonna be a fun one, guys.

I know this one has been out for a few months. The current issue out right now is #3, but I only recap #1 comic books so…yeah, I’m gonna do that.

Moth & Whisper by one of my new favorites, Aftershock comics, is about two thieves. It was written by Ted Anderson with art done by Jen Hickman, I should also mention they were co-creators/collaborators. So yeah.

You what’s wrong with your shoulder?

The comic book begins by introducing the two super thieves, Moth & Whisper.

It goes on to explain that Moth is a chick who can change faces and steal people’s things by bumping into them and then turning into a new person so you can’t find her. She leaves behind a calling card which is of a Moth.

Dis her
Dis her too

Whisper works just as well and in a similar manner except no one has ever seen his face. True or fake, they literally don’t even know he was there. Sometimes the only way you knew who you were robbed by because he would leave behind a calling card of a skull with a hand over his mouth. He also exposed government secrets so that was his thing apparently.

Excuse me sir, you ain’t holding on to your shit correctly

After we get introduced to these thieves we move to a new set of what seems like the bad guys. They’re insulting each other and talking about owning the black market on firearms. So yeah definitely bad guys. And most likely European. Because who needs a black market when anyone get a gun in America? No matter your criminal background, psychological background, or what have you, you can just get a gun. A machine gun even! If you can afford military grade weapons then by George you can get one!!

Nice scarf! Ooo hey someone is watching you!

I digress.

Back to Moth & Whisper. These thieves had no ties and they would steal from anyone who paid them. They had even been told to steal from each other. However no one had heard of them or seen a calling card from them in 6 months and people believed that they were gone and there was no one who could ever replace them.

In the next scene we see a woman behind a man and she is talking to him. She has just slipped some important files into his pocket. He is like “thanks, so you’re moth? You don’t look how I thought you would.” And she’s like “yeah.” Then he goes, “well let me get you the rest of your payment…” And she’s like “already got it, peace out.” And he’s like “wait up did you read what is on these files.” And she’s like “Um, no. It’s not my business.” Then she ducks out and changes outfits/faces/hair/everything. She emerges as the Whisper.

I can see you!!!

The Whisper has been hired by a seedy looking bunch. And the main guy is like “where’s my shit?” Whisper hands it over and the guy is like “Weird you took this job since last time you got into a firefight (whatever that is) with half my guys.” Whisper is like fuck. The main guy goes on to say that Whisper sold the details of his convoy to this guy’s rivals. Whisper is like hmm double fuck, “How do you know I was the leak?” The main guy is like “shut up, you’re caught. Then there is this bright white light and a bunch of smoke and the henchmen all scramble around to find the Whisper. However, Ol’ Whispy took a dude hostage and is about to get away.

Hugs for everyone! No? Just this guy then!

The Whisper shoots some people and runs the heck out of there. Once outside he calls on his suit to make an emergency change as he runs out into the streets.

Omg where are your pants??

The henchmen run out after the Whisper and find nothing. She already turned and jumped onto the subway. BYE FELICIA! DON’T WAIT UP!

Anyways this girl who is both the Moth & Whisper is on the subway thinking to herself about how badly she fucked up. She’s like “I should’ve known Haag was after Whisper. I gave away the drive without getting payment first, I’m a fucking idiot.” I’ll say.

She heads back to a safe house that is creepy AF.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a pair of bike shorts? You are not a Kardashian. This makes no sense to me.

Once inside, she tells the suit to remove itself from her body and put her back to normal. And as she removes her mask, she wonders how her mom and dad did all this thievin so good!

As legend would have it the Moth & Whisper are enemies but its not true. They were partners/lovers and they ended up having a child with blonde hair which makes absolutely no sense because Moth is black and Whisper is a white person with black hair. Look at the kid.

I wish I had a suit that told me to eat all the time.

Now look at the parents

Maybe they adopted? Adoption is normal.

WHY IS THE CHILD BLONDE?!

Anyways as Niki eats her fucking Top Ramen she replays an old video that her parents left her in that old “In case we go missing please watch” bags.

Basically in the video Niki’s parents tell her to stay in the safe house and not to go looking for them and that they will be back at some point. As it seems at this point they’ve been gone for six months. Shit is crazy. And now Niki is dawning Moth’s costume and doing some crazy ass shit for no reason. I guess if the kid isn’t in school she needs a hobby so whatever, I will not fault her this time.

Her parents left behind all these files on bad guys as well as a suit that allows Niki to go out and be whoever she wants, as well as a shit ton of weapons and some money, so apparently they want her to be them? IDK it seems like bad parenting but also there would be no book if the kid was just like “wow I have super spies for parents, okay night night.” END OF SERIES.

So Niki decides since she has all this crap and nothing but time she might as well find out who adult-napped her parents. Niki believes that the only person who has enough resources and hate against both spies is a man named Ambrose Wolfe so that is her target.

Interesting choice for a haircut, henchman with two fat triangles on your head.

He seems like a charming enough guy but Niki isn’t into him. She says her parents would never work for the guy because he was so awful. Ya know human trafficking and stealing organs is kinda weird. But anyways we leave on this powerful note.

I’m shaking

V Cool. V exciting. I wonder if her parents are going to come back or if they’re dead? I will be very disappointed if they are dead just because I would like to read a comic book about them. Maybe they will come out with a prequel and that would be very fun for me.

Anyways what did y’all think of this here comic book? YAY OR NAY? Let me know in the comments section!