Comic Book – Comic Book Betch

X-Force #1

Posted on July 11, 2020 by CBB

Yeah, X-Force #10 literally just came out, but here I am recapping the first issue from November 2019, because I AM BEHIND. It’s a pandemic, okay? And I also recently got into Dune. So that’s been a whole thing.

X-Force #1 is a new Diddy by Benjamin Percy and Johnathan Hickman.

So, like, let’s recap it shall we?

First there is this meeting of pureblood muggles who hate mutants and they want to discuss how to kill all the filthy mutants but first they need to take a blood test, because if someone inside the meeting has mutant blood they have to kill them.

So, this was back in November 2019 right? I HAVE to assume that’s where all the supplies for virus testing went and that’s why it took 6 months to get COVID-19 tests to America. WOW. The more you know.

Back to the scene, obviously there’s a mutant here, cause there is one bitch in this creepy ass masked crowd who is like heheheh, I’m wearing gloves, so blood testing is, er, not easy with those on, aye?

Then she jumps up and beats everyone to death! Just kidding they beat HER up. And who is it? It’s Domino! WHOAAA.

Movie voice: Everything was going according to plan, until her lucky streak ran cold.

I literally just got my hair done, can you not push my head onto the floor? Like wtf?

MEANWHILE,

The Beast and Wolverine are on Krakoa, this island of mutants and monsters which we already know about because I recapped Cable #1.

Beast is following monsters around for science, not for a lay. Wolverine is beating up monsters for sport, so they disagree about stuff. THAT’S IT.

Of course the Beast is soft, look at the fur. FLUFFY AF.

Next scene, Black Tom Cassidy is now a plankton. He straight up just listens to plants all day as they crawl over his body making him look like he needs a shower.

The plants tell him that Kitty Pryde is arriving on a giant ship for some reason with a bunch of mutant refugees.

Why is she standing like that? When did Kitty become Jack Sparrow?

There’s a scene after this of some large guy getting on a plane.

Does this picture make you want to lick your finger and rub it across this guy’s black dot on his forehead? No? Just me. Fine.

So then, Sage and Charles Xavier are hanging out and Sage is like “I dunno where Domino is.” And Charles is like “Okay, then, bye.” Then he walks through a mirror and ends up at a party in Sokovia where he immediately starts chugging champagne. This guy can live!

Back on the plane with the mole guy, they hit some turbulence and everyone freaks out and grabs that air thing that falls from the top when you’re in an airplane? What the hell is that called? The thing where they tell you to put your on before you put it on your own baby? Because baby can hold their breathe longer or something? Yeah that thing. Anyways, I digress. Mole man does not put the air thingy on his face and instead him and some other muscle dudes get together and take off all their clothes.

Then they put on new clothes and jump out of a plane.

These dude bros are headed for Krakoa. Charles Xavier returns from his party and he’s wasted, and Tom Cassidy is like, “the Earth is telling me things are getting weird, bro.”

And Charles is like, “is this about the refugees, bro? Cause that’s fucked up, and Sage deals with that anyways. Do you like your job? Because a lot of people don’t like that you have it, bro.”

Then Tom is like “BRO! RUN!!”

Cause the muscle dudes are shooting at everyone.

So they run and things like “BUDDA BUDDA” and “KROOM” are littered across the pages.

Then for some reason, Black Tom lets everyone know that his genitals stink?

The island of Krakoa does some fun shit, like come up and strangle bad guys with its vines. Then Charles ends up in the middle of a clearing and he puts his hands up in surrender and then one of the dudes shoots him and everyone is like “GASP” and “NOT AGAIN!” and “HE JUST STARTED WALKING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?”

And then Sage, who was not fighting at all and in some room somewhere is like “Hey guys, are you there? I can’t feel Charles anymore, how is this possible?”

And it’s like, damn Sage, you can’t figure out why his spirit disappeared from your radar while there are explosions all over the island? She stupid.

AND THAT WAS IT!

Killing off your main character in the first book was stolen right from George R.R. Martin, but I guess it’s fine. All ideas are borrowed anyway right?

What did ya’ll think of this issue? What did ya’ll think of this recap? Let me know in the comments below who you think the dumbest a-hole is in this issue. Is it Black Tom for referring to himself in third person? Charles Xavier for getting his ass shot and killed again? Or Piotr for still hanging out with Kitty Pryde?

Star Girl 2

Posted on May 28, 2020 by CBB

Ugh.

Here we go, again.

Spoiler: The show is still terrible. But we shall journey on.

We begin showing Pat the Robot again after the battle we had yesterday and Star Girl jumps on his back and rides him home. Not in a concupiscent way.

I just learned that word from Russel Brand.

Back at the scene of the crime the green leather dress man finds Star Girl’s burnt up student ID. She is dumb for bringing identification to a fight scene. Like wtf.

Back at Courtney and Pat’s garage they’re both pretty fucked up from the fight, and Pat decides to stick his finger in the open wound on Courtney’s head which is fine. Just add some hydrochlorine to that shit.

Pat tells Courtney about the Injustice League which was the group of bad guys who killed star man and hawk man and hawk girl, etc and Courtney is like, why would you move us to a town full of super villains, STRIPSEY! Finally Courtney is smart about something.

We then get a new scene with a different family and some like 25 year old man walks into his parents room talk’em bout a noise he heard and thinks someone is inside. Why are you 25 living with your parents and also going into their bedroom when there’s a fucking noise? GO investigate it yourself.
ANYWAYS, the dad grabs a wand from a safe and ho-ho-ho look who broke in, it’s his old pal man in green dress and the first thing he says to him is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN DRESS. Like, thank you, SOMEONE agrees with me. I like this guy already.

Back with Courtney and Pat, it turns out one member of the justice league survived for a while, Hourman. But Hourman got killed when he tracked the injustice league to Nebraska and Stripsey was given the information to take them down.

The next day at breakfast, C and P show up with random head wounds so the mom is mildly concerned because she’s like “what happened” and they’re like “we both fell down the stairs.” and she’s like “I’m late for work. Bye.”

Later at school, Courtney takes the star-man uniform and sews it up in the sewing class and apparently she is a terrible sewer because she breaks every single machine as she goes.

Meanwhile, Pat joins a gym.

After school there is some sort of assembly for no apparent reason, but it is the perfect place for Brain Wave to match his burnt student ID with a random hoe. And he finds that random hoe and chases Courtney into a deserted hallway, like stay in a group Courtney, how fucking hard is that? Cause now this man who moonlights as an ugly drag queen just threatened to kill Courtney’s WT mom.

Next we have a scene where Courtney and Pat argue about being superheroes again and their face wounds magically disappear, then reappear in the next scene. OOOO. Spooky.

Well they have to save WT mom’s life now, so Pat Robot goes down to meet Brain Wave and gets his ass handed to him. Until Star Girl shows up in her new slutty costume and beats the shit out of Brain Wave. Brain Wave eventually gets the upper hand and pins star girl down so she can’t reach her staff. You know the staff with a mind of it’s own that can fly? So the staff literally just felt like resting. I guess? This show is not good.

Pat shines a light on Brain Wave and apparently that’s his weakness. I should have known because he was so damn pale!!

The light gives Star Girl time to grab her staff and shoot him in the face.

He probably could have died but since they’re “heroes” they bring the guy to the hospital.

So they won! It’s over. Yay!

Nope, cue new bad guy rolling into town.

Some other old white guy walks into this random building and he goes to check on a beast that’s been kept locked up in a cage. For how long, I do not know. But if this Beast man is your friend like you’re pretending he is, you probably should let him out of his jail cell. Anyways I think this white dude is, Icicle, the one who killed Star Man and maybe is also the Senator? White people all look the same. I swear it’s just the actor who played Brain Wave with a brown wig on.

The End! Until next week. I wish Luke Wilson didn’t have such expensive taste but I must keep them egg rolls on his plate.

Star-Girl Episode 1 Recap

Posted on May 20, 2020 by CBB

I’m going to keep this short because Lord knows I can go on for hours with these mo-fucking recaps.

The CW is not something I watch on the daily, but as it is flooded with superhero content and has been for some time it seems like I’m a pretty lazy comic book blogger since this is the case. So here comes my first TV show recap. And I’m starting with the wonderful, Star Girl.

Now, did I want to watch this when I saw the trailer? No.

Do I want to keep watching it now that I’ve seen the first episode? Also No.

But will I be watching it in order to keep food on Luke Wilson’s table? Yes.

luke-wilson-e1566406612187 — Look at the sadness in those eyes! He’s so hungry! Feed him! Someone feed him!

Speaking of Luke Wilson, he plays Stripsey, the sidekick to Star Man. What’s weird about that is, is that Stripsey was Star Man’s butler and five years his senior. He also has a flying car that blows up.

The beginning of this show is cool. It’s like a fight scene. Explosions. Bad guys VS good guys. There are lasers. Star Man gets stabbed really bad and then he tells Stripsey as he is dying that his staff will eventually go to someone worthy, and that worthy person is definitely not Stripsey. I guess they thought the dying scene between Stripsey and Star Man was funny but it wasn’t? So…Anyways Stripsey is all “You have to go to a hospital, man” and Star Man is all “What fucking superhero do you know goes to the fucking hospital let me die in your car as it blows up, how about that?”

Cut to: A little girl on Christmas Eve sad because her mom is leaving for work. Grow up, bitch. Parents have to work. Sorry you have to be with your rich best friend on Christmas Eve.

This selfish little girl grows up to be Courtney and Courtney’s mom, who is type-casted as a white trash diner waitress in every movie btw, is dating Stripsey, who just goes by Pat now. Pat has a fat dog and a son who is really annoying and likes video games and science. So I guess he will be the Ron to Courtney’s Kim Possible? Except, like, they won’t make out. Hopefully.

kim_possible — Her pants hanging off always bothered me.

Also Courtney is like a gymnast or something.

They move to Nebraska for some reason and everyone in Nebraska is really nice to them except Courtney who goes to school and no one likes her. Which is so weird because she is a “regulation hottie” not a fucking nerd. But some old Asian bitch who must be a teacher because there’s no way that old bitch was in high school, decides to relegate Courtney to the table of “loners.”

The jocks come over to the table and try to see nude pictures of one of the hoes at her table. Courtney ends up standing up for the girl who doesn’t want to show off her hoe pictures. Then the jocks are like “then we’ll take your phone, blondie” and she’s like what the fuck and pushes this dude and she gets in trouble because white men don’t get in trouble. Not in Nebraska anyway.

Later at dinner, the nerd son is like “I made friends.” And then the white trash mom is like “did you make friends, Courtney? It’s Friday. You should probably go hang out with someone. Like seriously, can you leave?”

So Courtney is like “okay, I’ll go to the basement since I have no friends.”

In the basement star man’s staff is there, blah blah blah. She goes to hang out with the sentient staff and they decide to blow up the jock from earlier’s car.

After Courtney blows up the car and beats the jock in the head with the sentient staff, satisfied, she decides to go home.

Stripsey grabs the staff from Courtney and is like “hey, that’s Star Man’s” And when it touches Stripsey it dies. Ooo. That means Courtney is worthy.

Courtney assumes that Star Man must be her dad because the staff works for her, and also because Pat shows her a picture of the JSA and the guy in her locket is the guy in the photo, so she finds her mom and is like, “is my dead dad a superhero?”

Which is a strange thing to ask your parent.

WT mom is like, “No. He showed up five times in your entire five years of living and one of those times was to shove his dick inside of me and forget to pull out. Trust me, if he was a hero, he would know how to pull out.”

UGH IT’S NOT OVER.

The jock who got his car blew tells his daddy, and his daddy is clearly a super villain and I’m not just saying that because he’s a rich, white man. He wears circular wire rim glasses. Yeah. Their conversation goes like this:

“Daddy, a girl beat me up with a glowing stick! WAHH!”

“Tell me more about this glowing stick, who was the person wielding it? Did they perhaps have a star on the front of their shirt?”

“What, um no, it was dark, are you mad I stole and then blew up your car?”

“Hmm, what? Oh, no. It was insured for twice what it was worth, you have made me richer with your stupidity. Goodbye, if you learn anything from this exchange it is that you never have to take responsibility for your actions because anything you do is fine!”

Then the dad goes into his closet and opens it and there inside is the tackiest green, leather dress I have ever seen.

Screenshot 2020-05-20 at 3.00.55 PM — Please, go back and change.

Later at Courtney’s house the staff wakes her up to go play again and luckily she is sleeping in bed fully clothed with the jeans and t-shirt and zip-up hoodie she was wearing earlier. Who sleeps like that?

Anyways, they get on a roof and she does treats the staff like it’s a pair of uneven bars or a pommel horse. Then an unknown entity begins to telekinetic-ally beat the shit out of her. She is thrown into a fence and then into a pile of tires.

The telekinetic guy is the one who wears the ugly green dress. And he tries to read her thoughts, but she slaps him with the staff. Then he starts shucking giant tires at her which she slaps out of the park with the Staff like she’s fucking Aaron Judge.

Then a giant robot comes to save her.

THE END.

What did you guys think of Star Girl? Did you hate it as much as I did? Will you continue to watch for sad Luke Wilson? Will this show be canceled in the middle of the season, or will they let it go on for it’s full run? All these answers and more will be revealed as 2020 continues to drag on trying to give 2016 a goddamn run for its mother fucking money.

My Must Read List For Quarantine

Posted on May 19, 2020May 19, 2020 by CBB

Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.

Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra

I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.

Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

Posted on May 15, 2020May 14, 2020 by CBB

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.29.28 PM — Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.45.03 PM — “I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.48.08 PM — Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

RCO023_1583943469 — Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

RCO035_1583943469 — Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Posted on May 1, 2020April 28, 2020 by CBB

Ooowweee!! It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.11.51 AM — A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 10.54.49 AM — Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.27.16 AM — Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

Yum!

Mayon-egg

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.42.08 AM — They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.46.19 AM — You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.51.28 AM — I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.02.23 AM — She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch

New Thunderbolts Issue #1 Recap

Posted on April 24, 2020 by CBB

Okay, let’s be real. I’ve never been on top of new releases anyway, but it’s especially hard to be on top of them when comic book shops are closed down and the only publisher still coming out with new issues is DC. This is fine though, take this time in qurantine to read all of the comic books you’ve always wanted to. Like Saga, if you haven’t read Saga yet, you are in for a real treatymctreaterson.

Or maybe you’re like me, and you haven’t read the New Thunderbolts. WELL IN THAT CASE THIS IS OUR TIME! And if you don’t feel like investing your $2.99 into a new comic book that you don’t know is good yet, allow me to recap the issue for free so you can decide for yourself! Wow, I’m really doing a service to everyone affected by COVID-19.

So, like, I remember when the New Avengers formed and it was at a prison of all places and they formed because just a bunch of heroes were in one place and took down some baddies together and they were like, hey, we should do this again, sometime?

That didn’t happen here. Instead it started with Mach IV previously, the Beetle, saying he was going to do something and then he proceeded to not do anything for MONTHS.

RELATABLE AF.

But, he finally decides to do some shit like stopping Songbird on her college campus and asking her to join and there’s a lot of talk. When she gets there she gets pissed off that Blizzard is on the team because Songbird apparently hates him? Maybe she’s a big Iron Man fan. IDK.

She gets so excited to see Erik aka Atlas. But he’s not on the “team-team” because he doesn’t have Pym particles, but Atlas AKA Erik Josten is still there for team spirit and also to be around his OTP – Songbird and Mach IV.

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.40.06 AM — This interest in their relationship gets much weirder later.

Right away they get a 911 call which is great because THEY HAVE TALKED SOO MUCH AND ABOUT NOTHING!

WE GET IT SONGBIRD AND MACH IV FUCKED.

They get downtown in a Jet which is immediately destroyed. I don’t know why I capitalized the “J” in jet but I’m leaving it. Anyways, they’re fighting underwater creature people who want everyone who breathes air to die, but lyke, what are YOU breathing then, hoe? YOU ON THE SURFACE NOW GREEN MAN!

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.48.39 AM — His underwear look saggy.

So,yeah they’re kinda getting overpowered because there are a lot of sea creatures luckily Captain Marvel (dude not girl) shows up to save the mutha fuckin day.

Some people are very happy about it (Songbird) some people (ATLAS) believe that Captain Marvel’s show of heroics may endanger the rocky bond of his OTP!!

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.55.06 AM — A giant naked man flopping his dick around NYC and yet New Yorkers have still seen weirder.

So, after Atlas beats Captain Marvel into a bloody mass he decides to throw his bloody corpse into the sea. Mach IV calls him up and asks if Atlas and Marv need help because he’s far away and didn’t see Atlas beat the snot out of Captain Marvel. SO!

Atlas is all, “nah we’re totes fine. Marv went and flew away! Crazy right? Also, we did NOT lose the villian we were carrying. She DID NOT jump into the sea from whence she came. So DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT AND CERTAINLY DON’T PREPARE FOR IT, OKAY, HEHEH. Bai.”

After that lie, Atlas becomes normal sized and puts some ripped fabric around his waist because his dick shrunk and he doesn’t want anyone to see. BUT SOMEONE DOES SEE.

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.58.37 AM — Oh, no! Someone saw my regular sized dick!

Back at the homebase Atlas makes up a new and better lie about the events that unfolded. He says that the villian he let go actually dragged Captain Marvel into the water! TWO BIRDS ONE STONE.

Songbird is all “But, like, why wouldn’t you call us? He obviously needed help and you told no one. He was hot and if he is dead I’m going to go insane.”

So Atlas is all “He’s underwater, he’ll be fine the guy lives in space!”

Everyone: Yeah, the guy who just saved the world got sucked into the ocean by a villain, stop worrying, Songbird. It all sounds very sincere.

MACH IV: Yeah, so I need to get a new jet so I’m going to go talk to our financial backer.

Everyone: Thanks Machy! Billionaires are all very good people with only the best intentions! I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen at your meeting!

So, I think we know where this is about to go.

The financial backer turns out to be none other than Baron Strucker, a super villain, “former” nazi (do you ever stop being a nazi?), and a leader of hydra! WHAT A RESUME! Under special skills he has listed: Owns the Body and Soul of Abner Jenkins AKA Mach IV.

Wow, just wow. Give that man a raise.

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 9.14.05 AM — Butt-Chin.

THE END.

I am going to give this New Thunderbolts run a go, who’s with me?? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!

Billionaire Island #1 Issue Recap

Posted on April 17, 2020April 14, 2020 by CBB

Here’s another fucked up comic for ya’ll.

In between Pandemics how about a story from Ahoy Comics about Billionaires trying to kill poor POC? Sounds familiar, right? Similar idea, but done in a completely different way. The comic industry is super WOKE rn.

Anywhoozle, this story by Mark Russell with art by Steve Pugh begins with a commercial for Billionaire Island. The commercial is only aired on the super secrete Caviar network that only billionaires have access too. I truly believe that they have that. It wouldn’t be weird, if Jet Grind Radio can have a pirate network then so can billionaires.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 12.04.01 AM — I’m clearly NOT a villain look at my beautiful smile that hides NOTHING.

This friggen island is duh, only for billionaires.

They created the island because climate change has made beachfront property a terrible investment and there’s no “grimy immigrants.” his words not mine. He also wants the billionaires to have a safe place to live and conduct business away from the people they don’t care about AKA everyone who is not themselves.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 12.25.30 AM — Yeah, you have a PHD but it’s probably in like music or art or some shit.

The island called, “Freedom Unlimited” has drones that protect that outskirts of the island from refugees and immigrants and it rises with the sea level so no matter how terrible the dying world gets, the billionaires will survive, plus they can be as shady as they want to with offshore accounts because technically they’re going to be in international waters.

This is all stuff that billionaires already do and have.

This island does have this super cool personal wealth detector so anyone trying to get on the island (minus servants they want there) can’t get in without a big enough bank account. Noice.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 10.20.06 AM — Did billionaires pay taxes in the first place?

ANYWAYS, Turns out that this commercial was playing in the background of this billionaire man’s place while he is chained to his bed by this other dude, a dude who is going to murder the guy.

How did the poor guy get into the billionaire’s house tho? Don’t they have, like, super secret tech and defenses up? Especially since everyone wants to kill them, in this, they year 2044?

So it turns out this guy, is a sad soldier who used to work in a tiny, poor country in South Africa called Angola. He lived there with his wife and son, and the billionaire guy murdered his wife and son by giving out free food to the refugees, but everyone ate it I guess? Which, I mean, isn’t the army paying for your food? Would it be different? I don’t know I guess not.

SO how did the food kill the wife and son you ask? I will tell you. So apparently this “billionaire humanitarian” actually used his company Aggrocorp to come up with a virus that would sterilize all who ate the food. The billionaire’s defense is that there’s not enough food in the world to feed everyone and until we bring down the population there never will be. TRUE. FACT. YES. But not even bothering to dive into how morally wrong and oppressive this is and how racist it is because it’s being done by a white man’s corporation to Africans, we’re just going to skip that argument for a minute. Take a pin. Put it in. There was entirely different thing wrong with the sterility virus. Turns out if you ate the virus food and you had an antigen then you would get a virus that would kill you worse than Corona. DAMN!! Now I have all sorts of conspiracy theory thoughts, like this WOULD happen while Trump is in office. HE DID THIS. Or more likely his smarter billionaire buddies did this.

Anywetzle pretzle, the poor guy is like my wife and son ate the food and they died because they had the antigen and the rich guy is all “sorry we never meant for it to affect white people.”

This doesn’t help the soldier man feel better they have another conversation and it goes like this:

Soldier: Anyways that’s my story now where can i find your boss, he’s the one I’m really after.

TV: Hey it’s me Rick Canto, I’ve been doing this infomercial the entire time that you’ve been freaking out my partner at Aggrocorp.

Soldier: Oh there he is. I’ll go there then.

Billionaire: Yup there you go.

Soldier: Are you hungry?

Billionaire: I guess I could eat- HEY! That’s the food bag from Aggrocorp! I don’t want ebola!

Soldier: Yeah, I’m force feeding this shit to you now. Sorry, not sorry.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.27.31 AM — It’s corn in a bag! Like regular corn only seeped in viral infection. Yum!

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the soldier is the hero of our story, but every hero needs a sidekick, RIGHT?!

We continue on with Rick Canto the villain extraordinaire of our story, he is getting interviewed by a reporter for the Miami Herald, he makes a rude comment about how print media is dead because he’s a big social media guy blah blah blah.

Their interview from there goes like this.

Reporter: So you went from social media to agriculture, why?

Rick: I’m a good guy, I want to feed the world.

Reporter: Yeah, okay.

Robot Drone : Hey I was just watching the news and your partner, Corey is dead, you’ll probably get assassinated next.

Rick: well, you heard the bot, I’ve got to go.

Reporter: But the interview-

Rick: Come with in my weird jet thing.

Reporter: K.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.32.51 AM — This ride must have taken all of two minutes or they rode in silence because the conversations happen all together at each location.

They arrive on Freedom Unlimited Island or whatever which is a stupid name because it sounds like a credit card but whatever I digress. Here they continue their conversation.

Rick: I do agro whatever to feed the world’s population and make everything good and nice.

Reporter: Are you achieving this by killing populations of poor people?

Rick: Nope.

Reporter: Well, I have several testimonies from refugees not to mention the mass grave site in Angola, a site for one of your “humanitarian missions.”

Rick: Oh, hey let’s finish this interview in my conference room, K?

Reporter: Alright.

Rick: You go first.

Reporter: Ok.

Rick: *Locks door after her trapping her inside of a human hamster cage*

Reporter: YO WHAT THE FUCK!

Rick: NO RULES, I’M RICK JAMES BITCH

Reporter: I’ll call my editor on the cell phone!

Rick: I’ve thought of everything! There’s no service in this room!

Reporter: I sent my GPS coordinates to my editor.

Rick: This is Island is constantly moving!

Reporter: Ruh-roh.

While in the hamster wheel the Reporter meets several fucking weirdos. Some are reporters like her, one is a former regional manager or executive or some shit for Agro whatever but she’s brainwashed and she thinks the hamster is a test and when she gets out she’ll have a job again. Which is way weird. Stockholm syndrome. There’s a name for it.

Anyways these characters are weird and useless and I hate them.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.42.59 AM — Who is giving her that blow-out everyday?

Also, Rick gives them hundreds of dollars everyday? I don’t know why. It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I hate it.

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.44.16 AM — It looks like they’re flying into the fan.

The reporter is like these people are crazy, we’re trapped in a cage and they’re fighting for money. Rick comes in and the people take turns kissing his ass. Then the reporter is like I’m going to find a way out of here and Rick is all, nah, you’re not. And he leaves. THEN THIS HAPPENS!

Screenshot 2020-04-14 at 11.47.44 AM — An apocalyptic setting fun!

Well, there you have it folks. This reporter is going to get her ass saved by this hunk full of weaponry right here. How will he get into the island with all the droids and a shitty net worth, who knows? We’ll have to wait until issue #2 to find out!

Pandemica Issue #4 Recap

Posted on April 3, 2020March 29, 2020 by CBB

Alright! Day 183493452987508934820 of social distancing and I am ready to bring to you Pandemica #4! We finally get to find out why crazy De is carrying around a baby everywhere!

We left off at the lab full of children and babies. Now Chick and De are finding out why they have a lab full of children. Some of the kids are infected some of them are getting immunity shots and one has every single disease that has been unleashed, but she is healthy and alive. However, if she gets let out she can obviously infect everyone with everything she has, so there’s that.

The lab guy won’t let Chick and De take her because she could destroy the world, but De wants to take her because she thinks the baby holds the cure inside. Chick is like hell, no. Leave her we’ll find another way without committing suicide ourselves. I mean, I think I see what’s going to happen here, considering they spoiled it in the last issue, that De takes the baby and Chick threatens to shoot her. Don’t remember that? Read the Recap.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 1.24.09 PM — You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

K then we get a flashback of De trying to save another baby in the Congo while on a mission and that baby died so now she has to save this baby which they call “lucky bunny” which in the comic they say is a stupid name, but I think it’s fucking adorable. If I was there would have named her Dolores, tho. BUT THAT’S JUST ME.

Back to the present, the lab man reveals that the baby has a perfect mix of all the races in her DNA and that’s probably why she is surviving, and the white people behind the ARK don’t like that because she’s like perfect because she’s all people, and these white people only like other white people. Which is boring because most white people are lame…well, minus this white person.

Chick and De start arguing over whether or not they’re going to take the kid with them or not, meanwhile lab man dials his phone with his hands tied behind his back and his Evil Lady boss overhears their whole argument, so now she knows that they’re taking lucky bunny and she gotta stop ’em.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 1.41.19 PM — He must do yoga.

Moses’ lab has just been attacked by Loverboy they killed a doctor, Raj in cold blood and Loverboy then threatened the lives and families of the remaining scientists. Moses wants to give up, some want to call the police, others want to keep fighting. They’ve all been affected personally by the virus. It’s all v emotional. They all stop crying and fighting long enough to see military peeps on TV just shooting at all those virus mutants.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 2.29.24 PM — Gob voice: BUT I’M WHITEEE!!

Loverboy has exited the building and calls the Ark lady, does she have a name? I don’t remember it if she does but she’s the daughter of the billionaire and she doesn’t care when Loverboy walks around without a shirt on. Anyways, he calls her and their conversation goes like this…

Evil lady – Um, we’re getting backlash from the white house because our bloodhound counter agent isn’t working, white people are just turning into mutants.

Loverboy – Cool.

Evil Lady – Not really, we might have to lay low for a while and burn everything we’ve done to the ground. Your friends Chick and De are taking Lucky Bunny.

Loveryboy – I’ll go get ’em!

EL – Nah, let’s save that fight for the penultimate issue, just kill that jew.

LB – YAY!!

DENESSA AND CHICK SCENE

They’re suiting up in biohazard suits to take the baby out of the tube. Chick cries a bunch and points his gun at De too many times. Meanwhile, Evil Lady has sent SWAT after them so they got that to deal with.

MOSES SCENE

Moses orders his scientists to grab every hard-drive they can and go the safe houses that he has set up for them. He stops Dr. Esteban and tells him to head to a Jersey lighthouse instead of his original safe house location because he’s special I guess? Moses has passed on plans to him and names of people that he trusts, the second he is done explaining, the UPS murderers come back and start shooting up the place and Moses straight up covers for Esteban like a mo’fuckin G.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 1.58.50 PM — Oh shit, he’s still holding the files. How’s Esteban gonna figure it out???

Meanwhile, Chick decides to rat on De’nessa by calling Moses and telling on her for stealing the baby. Chick gets his comeuppance and De puts a gun to his head this time. Their love is V dysfunctional.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 2.12.31 PM — Why can’t it be black *and* white, Chick? Why does it have to be white or black? Bitch.

Chick and De split up because De wants to keep the baby, as that old story goes.

De decides that she is going to the safe house at the lighthouse where Esteban is going, unfortunately she has no idea where that is. BUT SHE IS SURE SHE WILL FIND IT. I am so bad at directions I can’t imagine getting into a car with NO directions and magically landing where I need to be, but I’m also not a bad-ass military spy like De, so I’m sure she will find it. Otherwise this comic would not be very good. Imagine she just drives around in circles like, not even heading to the water where a lighthouse would be?

The SWAT catches up to DE but she manages to outrun them. She heads to Moses’ lab instead of the lighthouse, the one that was just destroyed by the UPS drivers.

I think Esteban died tho, because she finds his paper with the coordinates to the lighthouse soo….

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 2.20.25 PM — Hazmat baby chic.

SO now her and the hazmat baby can ride off into the polluted, virally infected air and find their lighthouse. Which is in Jersey. They’re on A PAHHKKWAAAYYY.

Screenshot 2020-03-29 at 2.38.08 PM — WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Pandemica #3 Recap

Posted on March 28, 2020 by CBB

Feels right to continue on recapping Pandemica given the times… So weird that it came out and I was so into this comic that I recapped the second issue too, and now the world has ended! But #3 and #4 are out so I’m going to recap both and hopefully #5 comes out soon!

So, we begin with D and the ginger boning.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 1.41.31 PM — THEY ARE IN LOVE! AND TRUST ISSUES WILL NOT COME BACK TO HAUNT THEM!

The ginger (Chick) brings up that the last time they slept together they ended the day by trying to shoot each other. I wonder what today will bring? As they get dressed to start their day, the TV says this pandemic is the worst they’ve seen since the Spanish Flu!

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 1.40.52 PM — Hmm? Sounds familiar, no?

The TV continues to talk and basically recap what we already know, that there are multiple strains of this sickness which is making it impossible to cure. The TV also lets us know that our friend Moses has assembled a team of racially and gender diverse scientists to find the people responsible for the so called “purity bombs.”

Cause guess who is behind this? Rich, white people. The worst kind of people, IMHO.

Next up, we have Loverboy who is watching Fox News. He also just got some last night from a sad prostitute whose nose he broke. Loverboy, indeed.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 1.52.40 PM — Why don’t the poors realize that they just need to get well-paying jobs with healthcare? Then they wouldn’t be poor and without healthcare! DUH!

Loverboy, dressed as a UPS driver, meets up with a bunch of other UPS drivers. It seems that he has gone straight and the comic can now end.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 2.03.17 PM — That’s just too many white people.

So Moses’ team is checking out the bodies of mutated infected. These people I believe are white people who got hit with a purity bomb called “Bloodhound.”

CUT TO: The white people behind these bombs. They’re discussing the risks behind setting more of these bombs off. The lady says that they’ve only tested areas with barely any white people in it, the guy is like who cares let’s set it off, hoe. And she’s like but our people could get infected and he’s all, bitch what? No way, they’re not pure whities then.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 2.12.57 PM — Way harsh, Ty.

Now we get some boring scene between the daughter of the billionaire guy who hates anyone who isn’t white and she is talking to a senator or member of congress or something who is her dad’s bitch and he’s scared because this has gone way too far but he can’t say anything because billionaire zaddy is the one who keeps his pockets fat.

POTUS, who is also owned by said billionaire, makes a public announcement that everything is fine. SOUNDS V FAMILIAR!!

De and Gingerbread man discuss what POTUS says and Ginger decides for once in his life he’s for sure on the good side. Yeah, I agree, any side that wants to stop the mass murdering of people is def the good side.

CUT TO:

Moses on the phone with the scared senator from earlier. They are discussing going against POTUS to stop this craziness. Moses says he has his people working on a presentation that will prove that these are bio-weapons and not just a virus. He is just waiting on the lab reports being delivered from six different labs. And as luck would have it the delivery people have arrived as he is on the phone.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 2.29.08 PM — RUH-ROH

Meanwhile De and her freckle-faced lover are blowing up a different lab one that is working on said purity bombs. Yay!

They shoot everybody up and they all die except one guy who they question. He doesn’t have much information but he tells them that the cure to all these diseases lies in one of the babies downstairs. And they’re like “hmm babies?”

Back to Loverboy at Moses’ lab. Loverboy the stand up king of comedy makes a great speech about how Moses is not Jesus then shoots one of Moses’ doctors and demands to know where De’neesa and Chick are. Moses won’t give it up so Loverboy decides to come back tomorrow and if De and Chick aren’t there he’s going to kill everybody. Neat.

Meanwhile, Chick and De have taken the man to where they keep the babies. He let’s them know that Moses is right about everything he thinks is happening. The goal of the “ark” as they call it, is to preserve pure whiteness and get rid of everybody else. WE KNOW.

Screenshot 2020-03-28 at 2.51.01 PM — How you gonna say this in front a black woman with a gun?

So after that delightful speech, they ping a button and open up to a lab full of babies in tubes. Cute!!

CUT TO: De’nessa holding a stolen baby in a hazmat suit. Chick is mad at her for lying to her and thinks she’s crazy. This panel is from the future, so shit hasn’t hit the fan quite yet, but it’s about to. Chick holds a gun to the baby and then to De’s face.

DE: I don’t think you’re going to shoot me so I’m just going to walk away, k bye.

Chick: *shoots gun*

*hits mutated person instead of De*

De runs away.

FUN!!

WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!