Comic Book – Comic Book Betch

West Coast Avengers #1 (2018) RECAP!

Posted on April 27, 2019April 23, 2019 by CBB

I’m soooo late.

But I’m here, right?

So let’s recap West Coast Avengerrrsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Written by Kelly Thompson

Artist: Stefano Caselli

Yeh.

I’ve recapped some pretty badass indie comics, but you know me and how much I love my Marvel for the money shit. I mean they’re paying the stacks so they’re getting the talent here. West Coast is kitschy. I like it. I lol’d because Kelly Thompson is hilarious and I pretend she’s my best friend every day. WHAT? NO I DON’T! YOU’RE CRAZY!

You are.

Annnyyywaayyss,

So what I’m getting as I read this comic book is that they are on a reality TV show and Old Man Hawkeye, as he likes to be called now, is having issues understanding the whole concept of what it means to be on a reality show. So why is there a reality show you ask? Because Young Woman Hawkeye, as she likes to be called now, decided to gather a group of her buddies and create an “Avengers” team for the West Coast. Very original idea, I know. But before we laugh at Marvel as they laugh all the way to the bank let’s think about how many Goddamn Spider-Mans there are in this universe and how many times all of them have been killed and then we can start discussing this remake of the ~~Lion King, Beauty~~ and ~~the Beast, Alladin,~~ West Coast Avengers.

The comic book begins in the future or the present, idk, then we go to the past or the present, idk. But OM Hawkeye is defending Kate Bishop as leader of this bullshit brigade.

And then we get a gratuitous scene of the team forming because of a tragedy or whatever.

They did it! Yay! Go team! Nom pizza!

Obviously, after this team-up, Kate gets the brilliant idea to form a team. And she’s like “um, idk. How about you do it, Clint?” and Clint is all “I don’t live here.” And Kate’s all “I called literally everyone I know.” And America Chavez is all “What about Noh-varr?” And Kate’s all “I’m not calling my ex boyfriend ew!” And Kate’s boyfriend whose name I forgot is all “What kind of name is that?” And Clint is all “The kind of name where you better hope she doesn’t call, man.”

OUCH! Clint is the sassiest.

So Kate decides that’s fine she’ll make a team. So she does what any responsible 20 something would do and creates a flyer.

BUT WHO WILL BE ON THE TEAM THEN!?

Well, she has to interview a lot of dopes. I don’t need to recap this because if you’ve seen Deadpool 2 it’s like that except everyone is hoping that she is Old Man Hawkeye instead of Young Woman Hawkeye.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.02.19 PM — People ARE this dumb. Crazy, right?

But eventually this crazy ass bitch shows up.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.04.59 PM — Dammnit now I want tacos.

And then the four plus one, team because Old Man Hawkeye isn’t “full-time” get together and discuss their newfound group, when Gwendolyn asks about a paycheck. Kate replies that no one wants to fund them. Enter this douchebag;

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 10.06.26 PM — As the old adage goes, “wherever a douchebag goes, a reality TV crew will follow”

And so they sold out to be on reality TV.

And now that guy Quentin is on the team and I just hate him. You know names have power, okay? And if you’re gonna do that to someone do it to someone you hate, not someone you gave birth to.

Anyways, the team gets all settled in. Kate and her bf Johnny get cozy while in the next room, Quentin and Gwenpool are arguing because Gwen piled a bunch of wet towels on the floor of Quentin’s bedroom. And Quentin is all “why?” And Gwen is all, “I thought that’s how you liked your towels, wet and piled on the floor.” BURNNN!!!

Cause he’s a messy roommate. Get it?

No? Okay. Well then they get called out to take care of some superhero business finally and it’s none other than a giant Tygra terrorizing the West Coast. Wow what a throwback thirsty thursday amiright??

They’re pulling out all the stops.

So Quentin decides he’s gonna fuck her shit up, but it’s Old Man Hawkeye’s friend so he’s like “erm, no, that’s my friend.” And Quentin is like I’m gonna hurt her, then Tygra punched him far, far away.

Later in his interview room with the reality show people he’s all “I’m cool. I was distracted trying to protect the powerless Hawkeye. Wahhh.”

Luckily as Quentin is about to slam into a building, Gwen saves him by shooting a blob out of a gun and it stops him from hitting the side of the building, but I can’t imagine that it stopped him from falling 50 feet from the building, but I digress.

Screen Shot 2019-04-23 at 11.16.03 PM — Cute.

So then there’s a battle, blah blah blah. GUESS WHO WINS?
NOT THE WEST COAST AVENGERS!

They can’t defeat her so this golden man swoops in with six-pack abs and decides to save the day. His name is B.R.O.D.A.K. So it’s obviously M.O.D.O.K.

So what did ya’ll think? I have to be honest I’ve read more than the first issue, and I have to say it’s pretty campy but it’s fun! Don’t we need a break from the cries that are surely to come in this week’s Game of Thrones episode! Not everything has to be the Sandman after all!

Moth & Whisper comic book recap issue #1

Posted on November 18, 2018 by CBB

This is gonna be a fun one, guys.

I know this one has been out for a few months. The current issue out right now is #3, but I only recap #1 comic books so…yeah, I’m gonna do that.

Moth & Whisper by one of my new favorites, Aftershock comics, is about two thieves. It was written by Ted Anderson with art done by Jen Hickman, I should also mention they were co-creators/collaborators. So yeah.

The comic book begins by introducing the two super thieves, Moth & Whisper.

It goes on to explain that Moth is a chick who can change faces and steal people’s things by bumping into them and then turning into a new person so you can’t find her. She leaves behind a calling card which is of a Moth.

Whisper works just as well and in a similar manner except no one has ever seen his face. True or fake, they literally don’t even know he was there. Sometimes the only way you knew who you were robbed by because he would leave behind a calling card of a skull with a hand over his mouth. He also exposed government secrets so that was his thing apparently.

Excuse me sir, you ain’t holding on to your shit correctly

After we get introduced to these thieves we move to a new set of what seems like the bad guys. They’re insulting each other and talking about owning the black market on firearms. So yeah definitely bad guys. And most likely European. Because who needs a black market when anyone get a gun in America? No matter your criminal background, psychological background, or what have you, you can just get a gun. A machine gun even! If you can afford military grade weapons then by George you can get one!!

Nice scarf! Ooo hey someone is watching you!

I digress.

Back to Moth & Whisper. These thieves had no ties and they would steal from anyone who paid them. They had even been told to steal from each other. However no one had heard of them or seen a calling card from them in 6 months and people believed that they were gone and there was no one who could ever replace them.

In the next scene we see a woman behind a man and she is talking to him. She has just slipped some important files into his pocket. He is like “thanks, so you’re moth? You don’t look how I thought you would.” And she’s like “yeah.” Then he goes, “well let me get you the rest of your payment…” And she’s like “already got it, peace out.” And he’s like “wait up did you read what is on these files.” And she’s like “Um, no. It’s not my business.” Then she ducks out and changes outfits/faces/hair/everything. She emerges as the Whisper.

The Whisper has been hired by a seedy looking bunch. And the main guy is like “where’s my shit?” Whisper hands it over and the guy is like “Weird you took this job since last time you got into a firefight (whatever that is) with half my guys.” Whisper is like fuck. The main guy goes on to say that Whisper sold the details of his convoy to this guy’s rivals. Whisper is like hmm double fuck, “How do you know I was the leak?” The main guy is like “shut up, you’re caught. Then there is this bright white light and a bunch of smoke and the henchmen all scramble around to find the Whisper. However, Ol’ Whispy took a dude hostage and is about to get away.

Hugs for everyone! No? Just this guy then!

The Whisper shoots some people and runs the heck out of there. Once outside he calls on his suit to make an emergency change as he runs out into the streets.

The henchmen run out after the Whisper and find nothing. She already turned and jumped onto the subway. BYE FELICIA! DON’T WAIT UP!

Anyways this girl who is both the Moth & Whisper is on the subway thinking to herself about how badly she fucked up. She’s like “I should’ve known Haag was after Whisper. I gave away the drive without getting payment first, I’m a fucking idiot.” I’ll say.

She heads back to a safe house that is creepy AF.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a pair of bike shorts? You are not a Kardashian. This makes no sense to me.

Once inside, she tells the suit to remove itself from her body and put her back to normal. And as she removes her mask, she wonders how her mom and dad did all this thievin so good!

As legend would have it the Moth & Whisper are enemies but its not true. They were partners/lovers and they ended up having a child with blonde hair which makes absolutely no sense because Moth is black and Whisper is a white person with black hair. Look at the kid.

I wish I had a suit that told me to eat all the time.

Now look at the parents

WHY IS THE CHILD BLONDE?!

Anyways as Niki eats her fucking Top Ramen she replays an old video that her parents left her in that old “In case we go missing please watch” bags.

Basically in the video Niki’s parents tell her to stay in the safe house and not to go looking for them and that they will be back at some point. As it seems at this point they’ve been gone for six months. Shit is crazy. And now Niki is dawning Moth’s costume and doing some crazy ass shit for no reason. I guess if the kid isn’t in school she needs a hobby so whatever, I will not fault her this time.

Her parents left behind all these files on bad guys as well as a suit that allows Niki to go out and be whoever she wants, as well as a shit ton of weapons and some money, so apparently they want her to be them? IDK it seems like bad parenting but also there would be no book if the kid was just like “wow I have super spies for parents, okay night night.” END OF SERIES.

So Niki decides since she has all this crap and nothing but time she might as well find out who adult-napped her parents. Niki believes that the only person who has enough resources and hate against both spies is a man named Ambrose Wolfe so that is her target.

Interesting choice for a haircut, henchman with two fat triangles on your head.

He seems like a charming enough guy but Niki isn’t into him. She says her parents would never work for the guy because he was so awful. Ya know human trafficking and stealing organs is kinda weird. But anyways we leave on this powerful note.

V Cool. V exciting. I wonder if her parents are going to come back or if they’re dead? I will be very disappointed if they are dead just because I would like to read a comic book about them. Maybe they will come out with a prequel and that would be very fun for me.

Anyways what did y’all think of this here comic book? YAY OR NAY? Let me know in the comments section!

The Empty Man Comic Book Recap issue #1

Posted on November 11, 2018November 11, 2018 by CBB

Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.

I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.

YIKES!

Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)

So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.

In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.

We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.

Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?

As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.

Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.

Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.

As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.

Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.

Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.

Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.

She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.

She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.

Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.

After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.

Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.

Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.

As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.

Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.

Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.

Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.

Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.

The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”

Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.

Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?

What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?

Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.

It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.

I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy

Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.

The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”

He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.

So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.

Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH

I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.

Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??

OKAY!

TA-TA!!

Comic Book Recap: Dead Kings #1

Posted on November 6, 2018November 5, 2018 by CBB

So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.

Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.

The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.

Are these monsters or robots? Orr???

As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.

We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.

YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!

We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”

So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.

Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.

Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.

Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.

So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?

The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.

We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!

Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.

Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”

Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.

He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.

The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”

Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.

They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!

BUM BUM BUHHH

And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.

Loved it Aftershock, give me more.

Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.

Spider-Girls #1 comic book recap

Posted on October 27, 2018October 28, 2018 by CBB

OOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I picked up a Marvel comic book!

And once I cracked it open, I realized I had no idea what was going on in it because it apparently takes place after a series I am currently not reading, Spider-Geddon #2. SO if you are reading the Spider-Geddon you already know more than me about these Spider-Girls. But I don’t care and I shall plow through this comic book recap with the confidence of a white man.

This comic book is written by Jody Houser. The cover artist is Yasmine Putri…there may be variant cover, but this is the one I got!

Anyways the “Spider-Girls” in this comic book are as follows: May “Mayday” Parker AKA Spider-Woman Earth-982, Anya Corazon (Spider-Girl) and Annie May Parker (Spiderling). Their names are all so similar it is annoying but we will power through! …..With the confidence of white men.

It is briefly explained to us that May and Anya are working on a way to defeat these Spider-eating beings called “Inheritors.” IDK. Apparently it’s a thing. And all these different earths and realities and universes really confuse me, too. Anyways, the two Spider-Girls are lyke “we have to travel to this Earth-Universe-Reality thing that hasn’t been attacked by the Inheritors and find out why.

Which leads us to Annie’s reality. Where she and her father, Spider-Man and her mother, Mary-Jane all fight crime together. Annie has this interesting spider power where she has an extra special spider-sense that allows her to see visions.

Annie, MJ, and Peter are swinging around the city fighting a gang of Vulture kids. They easily take them out and Annie is like monologuing this whole time about how she has a “suped-up spider-sense and she’s been a hero practically her whole life. Um brag much?

1DB1760C-951E-43BA-8288-FB26819EE320 — Why does she wear a purse?

Then Peter makes a terrible Wolverine-based “joke”- and I say “joke” because it wasn’t funny, but for some reason it is later referred to as a joke so that is why it needs the quotes.

Anyways after the “joke” Annie blacks out for a second and nearly falls to her death. Luckily her dad is able to scoop her up. They head home to figure out what is making Annie blackout.

E59086DB-CF3B-4EDD-AFDE-D68A43D1A696 — You should write for shouts and murmurs

Anya and May show up in Earth-18119 and Anya immediately remarks that they beat the Inheritors here so that is good. And also that the Spider or Spiders on this Earth, have a deep connection to the “Web of Life.”

The Spider-Girls are having a time enjoying New York City and taking it all in before it is inevitably destroyed like every other NYC the Inheritors have been through. While they’re checking the place out they see a giant image of the family of spiders. And then Anya makes some weird ass comment.

Anya: A whole family of spiders? But that doesn’t look like you! Mayday, are you okay?

And May day is like “yeah I’m totallyyy fine.” But she lyke, is not fine.

BACK AT THE HOME OF THE SPIDERS

Annie’s parents are concerned about her blackouts. And she’s being a defiant little snob. She must be a teenager because she is annoying. Her parents are like “take a break from the superhero routine.” And she’s all “no way, I had a vision that something bad is coming and I need to protect people.” Vomit.

C0F97F27-451A-402D-AA7D-1092758E70EA — bad news ur dad is a creep

Also why the heck does Peter Parker have a teenage daughter and still look 18?

Allofasudden she has another vision and she tells her parents to suit up because some shit is going down.

Next scene Anya and May are taking down more vultures. They knock them out and keep swinging, when May falls out of the sky, similarly to how Annie fell out earlier. She falls on a roof so she’s fine, but then this huge Vulture man pops up.

63A197F2-92E0-4B0A-8F74-B61257062E7B — You aint squashed a damn thing, vulture and you know it!

But before they can fight him, the Spider family shows up to save the day. They immediately decide to team up and they beat the shit out of everybody.

0650A8AB-D9DD-41A2-A948-301FBEB1CB13 — THWIP! THWAP! THWOP!

After the fight they do introductions and MJ nearly starts crying when she finds out May’s name. Because I guess that her first born died and her name was Mayday Parker. So…WEIRD.

They all head back to the Spider family’s home and Anya and May let them know about the Inheritors.

Anya takes out these spider scrolls she has been carrying around like a yoga mat all day long and Annie is like “This shit is fucking with my visions, hoe.”

And they’re all “Visions? Whhaaa?”

And Annie is like “omg pay attention.”

May is like “Well this means this is the hoe we lookin for because she has a connection to the scrolls.”

Annie is like “I ain’t a hoe.”

Then Mary Jane hides in a corner and cries and Annie is like “what’s wrong mom, is it weird that your dead alternate daughter is alive and here in your house?”

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG, ANNIE!

Then immediately, Peter and MJ decide to join the Inheritor war in the alternate dimensions, meanwhile they’re just gonna leave their teenage daughter alone in this reality with these two strangers they literally met an hour before and try to figure out some fucking “mystical scrolls!” What sort of parents are these???

A54B5BBE-52BF-4700-8954-041488EC514E — someone call social services

What did ya’ll think of Spider-Girls #1?

I thought it was cute. It seems like it’s going to be a nice, fun read which will be a nice break from the dramatic shit I am currently watching and reading now. Like The Haunting of Hill House. OMFG. That show is the spookiest thing I’ve seen all year. But now I have a nice little comic book to chill me out after screaming for an hour every episode, so that is nice.

Exorsisters Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Posted on October 20, 2018October 20, 2018 by CBB

This week sooo many new #1 comic books came out. It’s been hard narrowing down my choice of which one to recap but since I’ve been on an Image/Vertigo/Other kick I decided on the Exorsisters!

These hoes were written by Ian Boothby with art by Gisele Lagace and the cover art by Pia Guerra. (Just one of the variant artists)

The cover shows a pair of sisters surrounded by demons in what looks like Hell. I know the feeling esp on a Saturday night at 3am and you and your bestie are unattached.

In another cover by Gisele Lagace, you can see that this wacky duo are total opposites. One holds a book, wears her hair in a pristine bun, and is fond of demure skirts. The other has messy, long hair, and strums a guitar while wearing denim shorts and fishnet tights. Such a rebel.

ANYWAYS.

We begin at a horrible outdoor wedding where SURPRISE two white people are getting married.

A7D11AB6-1D13-4D75-8521-929243B8442F — Can I get a Hallelujah!

Just before they get to exchange their vows, chains appear around the dude and the devil appears with two toads. The devil proclaims that “Glenn Webber,” the white guy obv, has to go to hell. The chick, Gloria, tries unsuccessfully to free Glenn from the chains. None of the guests do anything at the wedding.

Cue the Exorsisters. Gloria calls in the twins and explains to them what happened. As it turns out, all of her wedding guests think that she was just left at the altar and have no recollection of the incident. “Father Manny” who was marrying them, apparently believes Gloria though he did not see anything either. He says the believes Gloria because he has met the Exorsisters before and knows that this kinda shit happens all the time.

Cate, of the Exorsisters, listens diligently to the story as her sister, Kate, chugs multiple bottles of champagne.

768EC7B3-1384-4854-BF36-AC3720950528 — me at any wedding tbh

Cate gets down on the ground and smells the sulfur of a demon and believes Gloria despite no one else witnessing the scene. Kate helps herself to the cake.

Cate asks for access to the fiancee’s computer and Gloria brings the girls to her house.

While Kate and Cate go through the computer they immediately look for porn and find none. Which they find to be quite weird.

66900A80-619A-4682-B176-65E50BCAF939 — maybe Glenn is asexual?

It turns out he was on a few message boards which is where most demons spend their time. Agreed.

They find out that he was unhappy with his boss, which Gloria reveals can’t be right because they own a real estate business together and she’s technically the president.

Cate is like well, I’m probs wrong. Then Kate is like, get some sleep you look terrible.

I’m beginning to like these characters.

MEANWHILE

We get introduced to some other character.

C873FCBF-289A-4B24-84D8-B4E02F1C1D5E — She’s fun!

SPOILER ALERT: She is the worst and gets her bottle of Jack.

Back at the offices of Harrow & Harrow, the (K)Cates are getting to work. After they feed their fish who are on fire first though. Good pet moms.

Kate creates a door to the demon dimension, which I guess is Hell, and says she can only do it once because she’s still drunk from the champagne.

E2057233-1A57-477A-806E-508EAEE9854B — Hey, she made a door to a demon dimension. Idc how big it is. I am impressed.

They each crawl through the tiny door to the dark dimension and Cate falls into the mouth or asshole of some sort of round creature. There is a hole. No one is sure what its for.

Kate is like “hey you should spit out my sister”

But it’s too late because Cate has already stabbed her way out of the creature.

They stumble around the demon dimension and check some things out.

Cate tells Kate to do a summoning spell, and instead Kate just screams into hell “Hey has anyone seen Glenn Webber?!!!”

They are standing on top of an eye and the eye threatens them to eternal damnation if they don’t get out.

So they stomp on the eye and the eye is like “ow” then turns into a eye-man in a suit. Like he is just an eyeball with a body.

He knows them and tells the girls that he doesn’t know anything but he will ask around. He’s afraid of them so the does it and comes back later with no information and offers that the guy might be in limbo or in heaven.

The (K)Cate’s contemplate this and Kate thinks that Gloria was just nuts and thinks her fiancee was taken by a demon but was actually just left at the altar like all her guests thought. Cate does not believe this though, because she felt real pain from Gloria, not craziness.

Then they run into a demon with a dress on and are like “Eyeball man, what the fuck is that?” And the eyeball man is like “Oh yeah he fucked up. He tried to possess a little girl and did that spell wrong so now she controls him.” Which is like so much more fun than what we’re reading! Where the hell is that story?!

8367525E-6471-4CD1-9301-56A752ACDE85 — I demand a spin-off!

The demon-girl asks them for a tea party, however the twins decline but offer eyeball man instead who enters into her little den unwillingly.

The twins head back home but Kate’s ass is too fat to get back into the office.

FBF5A7C5-D56E-4D75-9F07-40A4DE4B2CB1 — Woop woop! Pull over that ass is too fat!

The twins call Gloria and take her to one of her real estate houses.

Gloria is like why the fuck are we here. This house is impossible to sell. So, Cate is all yeah, but Glenn wasn’t in hell so that means he is somewhere else. And the somewhere else is this house.

They enter the house and find Glenn immediately. Gloria is so happy that he is alive and hugs him. He ain’t into it though.

The twins find open another door and find a demon and explain to Gloria that Glenn had made a deal with this hoe-ass demon who feeds on sorrow. So Glenn came up with a plan to leave Gloria at the altar and her sorrow would be how the demon got fed for months, maybe years, and in return the demon gave Glenn lots of money.

The demon had created the image of Glenn being taken to hell and showed the guests at her wedding that she simply got left. Noice.

00EF43FC-1A3B-4010-A423-ECF462B50D53 — But you loved him? With his effing combover?

This whole comic book is becoming very Scooby-Doo like. I’m waitin for Glenn to say “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

Scooby-Doo is a genius show btw. No disrespect. That shit was the best part of my childhood.

So this is weird, but apparently the demon can give Glenn powers too as well as money and Glenn decides to turn on the girls and kill them.

Except he doesn’t have powers anymore because Gloria is just pissed off now and not sad. And as the powers disappear the money disappears as well.

Glenn starts crying and the demon decides to eat off of his sorrow instead. Gloria and the twins leave the demon and sad fuck be.

FB98F913-C649-45AC-A09B-29A9C1B2771A — Yay for sorrow!

As a thank you present, Gloria presents the twins with all of her wedding presents. Which is like so dumb. I would abso-fucking-lutely keep those presents if I was the one left at the altar. A margarita machine is so much better than a man anyway. I mean does anyone get married for any other reason than tax breaks and biscuit warmers? I wanna know!

Just as Kate begins to make a daiquiri, margarita, and pina colada hybrid in her new blender, a knock at the door surprises them both.

Cate goes to answer the door and it’s the woman who got her own scene in the middle of the comic book. Now it all makes sense. Turns out its Cate’s mom and she also blows open a secret the (K)Cate’s have been keeping from us all issue, THAT KATE IS CATE’S SOUL NOT HER SISTER.

B2F7EC48-B844-48F3-9A56-8B4F9B31D557 — Mom got some fierce brows

It would be more fun if they were sisters, right? No? But why is Cate’s soul so different than her? Why is the soul her opposite? And wouldn’t your soul be the good one, not the drunk whore? OKAY NOW I’M CONVINCED. I do want to know more. I think I’ll check out #2 cause I think it’s gonna be good.

And yeah the whole “the world is ending” thing their mom said is not as big of deal as finding out they’re not sisters. Because as 97% of scientists have agreed the world is about to see apocalyptic levels of fire, flooding, and famine in 2040.

OKAY ON THAT NOTE, LOVE YOU BYE! 💕

The Dreaming 2018 issue #1 recap

Posted on October 13, 2018October 10, 2018 by CBB

Yo.

I think I found something.

I really think I did. This The Dreaming comic book by Vertigo is quite frankly, pretty good. I know it’s only issue one, but I have a knack for these things and this, sirs and madams and non-binary humans, is quite fucking good. So let’s talk about it?

First things first, the geniuses behind this comic book are as follows: Art by: Bilquis Evely. Variant Cover Art by: Yanick Paquette, Cover by: Jae Lee, and Written by: Simon Spurrier.

Despite all of these people having the hardest names to spell in the known universe they are arguably probably very good people.

MOVING ON.

This came out September 5th so mayhaps you already purchased it and loved it and can’t wait for number 2. Or maybe you have not heard of it yet. THAT’S WHERE I COME IN.

Let’s recap this bitch.

So the title warns the book is ONLY for “mature readers.” So i guess I wasn’t supposed to pick it up and I just totally missed that warning. *Side Bar* Please don’t shut down my local comic book shop for assuming I was mature.***

We begin with this, what I assume is an old man librarian, holding up this weird object that looks like a mask or a fossil of a dead creature’s head + the spine. V strange. V into it. He’s reciting some nonsense into the darkness about how “emptiness has replaced certainty” and how “tales grow from curious compost.” Translation: He is losing his gottdam mind.

As it turns out, he’s crying about all this shit in woe because his boss left the realm and basically the realm is now susceptible to a bunch of bad shit happening to it because the “Odinson” type dude ditched out. Which as we later learn was not the first time he has pulled this shit.

Then this CROW NAMED MATTHEW (pause for appreciation) flies in and is like “hey old librarian man what up?” And the librarian is all “shouldn’t you be looking for the master of the universe?” And the crow is like “My name is Matt. And I’m a fucking crow. I can’t find the MASTER of the universe unless he is trying to be found.”

Then the librarian tells the crow that external forces are trying to get into the “dream realm” and that their reasoning behind doing so is to murder everyone in the realm. To which Matt replies “No it’s fine. The man with the pumpkin head has rallied everybody who has been sneaking in together and we can handle all that.”

The librarian is like “actually it’s getting worse.”

Then we smash cut to this girl’s treehouse. Her name is Dora and she looks like the baby from the Saga comics all grown up. Except not. Except kinda. Except if she had wings growing where her horns should be instead of wings and horns. Then that is what Dora would look like. I will…umm just show you.

Caption: Don’t be fooled. She may seem like your typical slut-faced ho-bag, but in reality, she is so much more than that.

Dora just woke up and she walks over to her scarecrow guard who is one of the creatures that came from the rip in the realm. He doesn’t speak but obeys her commands. Then she makes a joke that if he had a penis then he would be the perfect man. But he’s not even hot and he dresses like an idiot. So, he would be better than any other man on earth yes, but he wouldn’t be PERFECT. ANYWAYS

The narrator pops in to tell us that Dora is different because she can sleep but she cannot dream. OOOOOO. And that everytime she wakes up someone has brought her a gift. But she has no idea who keeps bringing her shit. She also does not know what sort of creature she is.

Also this bitch gets hungry which apparently isn’t a thing for “dreamers” the people who live in the realm. SO THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL WENT. I can tell you right now the DREAMERS get hungry okay?

I digress.

Dora makes a split in the realm to go steal the dreams from the people in the realm because she can do that apparently.

The librarian sees this and tells Matthew to stop her. He flies away to find her.

He finds her in the middle of a forest and insists he would just like to “talk.”

Instead of talking she picks up her blank faced scarecrow man and throws him at the bird and then jumps through another realm crack.

As “Ziggy” the blank face scarecrow lays on top of Matthew’s body, Matthew the crow calls out to the librarian, Lucien, to tell him that Dora just slipped through the realm like the “boss” does.

At first Lucien the librarian is confused. He has been confused a lot TBH, and then rubs his eyes and realizes that she went outside of the realm and he can longer “see” her.

Dora, meanwhile, comes face to face with a large naked man riding on top of an even larger bear.

MEAN-MEANWHILE

The pumpkin head man who gathers up the blank faced who fall from the cracks in the realm comes to speak to Lucien about the problems with Dora. He tells Lucien that she is stealing things from people and that Lucien needs to call the “master” back because clearly Lucien can’t handle the realm on his own.

Back to Dora.

As it turned out the giant man on the even more giant-er bear is Dora’s fuck buddy. And they bone. Perhaps this is what they meant by “mature.”

The Demon tries to get Dora to move to Hades but she says it smells like a fart and she’d rather not. Then they get down to some other “business” real business. As in trade.

She brings the demons some of the stolen things from the dreamers and he rewards her with food that will actually nourish her, which unfortunately nothing in the realm of dreamers can satiate her appetite. When she eats the food though she kinda turns into a demon for a second. Which turns on the other demon again.

Then some crazy shit happens. She drops a little crumb of the food and the demon, being the gentleman that he is, decides to pick it up for her. But it is on the other side of the realm and he can’t do that because demons can’t get into the dreaming side without an invitation. EXCEPT THIS TIME THEY CAN. Because the master-boss-enigma-thing left without a trace.

The guardians of the gate at the realm of the dreamers realize that they have been breached right away and inform Lucien. He is predisposed so Matthew answers the call and lets the guardian, whom is a flying Wyvern, know that he can answer the call if he wants to but not to get hurt as there are no “Wyvern” doctors in the realm. The Wyvern however is like the Master will heal me so fuck it.

So then the Wyvern goes to meet Dora’s fuck buddy, whose name is “Balam.” He’s hotter than his name sounds.

It’s doesn’t go great.

I mean for the Wyvern. Idk who you’re rooting for. If you were rooting for Dora’s slampiece then it goes quite well.

Balam comes into contact with “Eve of the Garden” and she’s all “hey let that Wyvern go.” And Bilam is all “Join us I know you like serpents.” Then she’s all “That story is biased af. Go away.”

Then this other bitch steps out and is wearing the fossil weird face thing that Lucien was carrying around earlier and Balam is all “oh fuck. I gotta go.” And he leaves. Because it’s the master of the realm.

Then the master turns to Dora and is like “how dare you? I gave you a home and you turn on me.”

Then Dora is all “um no bitch, you have made sure to keep me broken and sad. I owe you nothing for these burdens.” Then she storms off like a teenage girl.

The pumpkin head man is like “Hey master great to see you back. Get rid of these blanks that keep coming in from the realm cracks. They’re bad.”

Then Ziggy the blank scarecrow man says a word, “ Sanctry”

And the master tells the pumpkin head man to care for the blanks and teach them.

Then he walk away. Back to the library. Where he takes off his mask and it was Lucien the whole time. Matthew witnesses all this and is like “erm helluva bluff, Luce.”

Then Lucien walks Matthew over to the gallery where they find a huge crack in the wall and Lucien is all,

“New things are always drawn to the land of the Dreaming. It is where they are born.”

FWEAKY.

Makes sense though. All these dreamers creating nightmares and then a master just shuts them out. But when that master checks out the Bahamas for a week all hell breaks loose.

I am V excited about this one. Issue #2 is out October 3rd which is coincidentally National Mean Girls Day and obviously a Wednesday so I’ll be wearing pink at the comic book store waiting for issue #2 “The Foundation.”

If you read this one lemme know what you think about it. Also any other thoughts you have. Write em. I’ll respond.

BYE!

Crowded #1 Comic Book Recap

Posted on August 25, 2018August 22, 2018 by CBB

Hiiii. OMG, how are you?

I’m fantastic because I just found another comic book series to be obsessed with by Image. This book is called Crowded and it’s a comic book set in the near future like literally, this shit could become a thing next week.

Crowded is written by Christopher Sebela with art by Ro Stein and Ted Brant. This cover I got ya’ll looking at is by Rachael Stott doe.

Well, friends, this one was a good one. I’ll give you a brief background on what this little story is about. Basically, in the future, there is this app called REAPR where you can hire people to murder someone you hate by crowdfunding the kill. Sometimes no one offers to get the person killed and so no one is like “I’m not killing them for free.” And if you get a huge crowd-funding, for say an awful President, who a lot of people hate, you could get up to a million dollars if you murder this guy. Mostly if you’re not hated by millions of people then that probably won’t happen, if you’re like the worst most-hated person in a high school you might get $500 for your death.

So the story takes place with the main girl, Charlie, she has pink hair, she is meeting with a DFENDR or something that she found on the app who is going to protect her from all the people who want to murder her. Which is a shit-ton. The price on her head is at about 1.2 million dollars. Not a normal price for a basic bitch who isn’t famous and is just trying to make it day-by-day. Her DFENDR, Vita, has a rating of 1.4 stars on her DFENDR page. No one knows why she believes its because she’s not flashy. So both of these bitches are lying about something and WE gotta figure it out.

Charlie meets with Vita at this fast food place which is surprisingly empty minus a janitor, and Charlie rushes in there late scared for her life. Vita is like you’re late, and Charlie was like yeah I was ducking people trying to kill me. Then the janitor pulls an AK-47 out of his mop bucket and points it at Charlie, but Vita shoots him first.

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.10.22 PM — The gun was wet! Would it have even worked?! HOW DO GUNS WORK!? I NEVER LEARNED!

Vita is like “btw your REAPR campaign is at 1.2 million dollars.”

Charlie is like “I’m on REAPR. FUCK.”

Vita is like “yeah and that’s too much money for the average person, what did you do to get on this site and why do you have so many backers?”

So Charlie takes her through her crazy ass day, which goes like this.

Charlie: So I wake up in the morning, get hot, drive for MUVER and DRIFT, Rent out my apartment on PADHOP, Trade out my car on WHEELSY, Rent out my dress on KLOSET, walked some pets on DOGSTROLL, Hung out with some children for CITYSITTER, and blah blah blah you get it? Her fucking life is all apps. She does some more app-related shit before she heads to a bar and goes home with some rando. The next morning she gets some piping hot coffee and an old lady pulls a gun on her, so she pours her hot coffee on the lady. And stole the lady’s dog. And then someone tried to shoot her from the sky. And that’s when she knew that multiple people were trying to kill her.

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.13.07 PM — I really hope this old lady comes back and is the one to kill Charlie after her face is all scarred up. Then she goes on to be one of greatest villains of all time with this origin story.

Vita holds the doors of the restaurant closed with her belt, but the murderers begin to pile up outside anyway because Charlie used her card to order some food. Vita steals her fries before a car comes crashing onto the scene.

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.16.40 PM — Not a bad ROI running your vehicle into a restaurant to murder someone worth a million dollars.

Vita intimidates the shit out of these random nobodies coming to collect a million dollar reward with her gun and shit talking. They get into Vita’s weird mustard yellow car that looks like its from the 60s and they take off to a safe place which turns out to be Vita’s haunted mansion. But before they make it to the mansion dumb-ass Charlie is on her phone this time and people start tracking her location and Vita has to do some quick shit to take out some pedestrians. She does this for fun or to save Charlie. It is unclear.

Later, at the mansion, Charlie is like “this place is awful.” Vita is like “okay, bye.” Then Charlie is like “give me alcohol and I’ll stay” and Vita is all, “okay.”

So Vita is gettin this already hoe-ass girl, Charlie, completely toasted.

Charlie gets a drink in her and continues to explain to Vita how her day went and why this could all be happening to her. After a few people attempt to murder her so order a MUVER to where her car is parked and finds that it has been blown up.

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.31.06 AM — Cause baby ur a firewooorkkkkkk!!! Come on show em what urrrr worth—!!

So then she goes home, and we don’t know what happened because she gets distracted during her storytelling because she’s drunk and starts looking around Vita’s weird old lady house.

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.34.18 AM — This hoe is the essence of hoe.

Vita explains that she lives in a big old lady house by herself because she hates people and the place has great parking. Vita decides that she is hungry and moves on to the kitchen with Charlie trailing behind. The TV is still on and the news story they are broadcasting now is that there was a massacre at Echo Park. Charlie sneakily turns the TV off while explaining that nothing happened to her at her apartment before following Vita into the kitchen.

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.51.19 PM — SNAP CRACKLE POP! Goes the TV like a bowl of Rice Krispie Treats.

Charlie apparently made spaghetti and meatballs for the two of them during this time because the next panel she’s serving up a couple of plates for them. And now I really want some spaghetti.

Charlie: I spit in your pasta. Also, why are you a bodyguard, and why is your rating 1.4?

Vita: I can’t believe people want you dead. I wrote why I became a bodyguard on my profile. Didn’t you read it?

Charlie: No. Tell me the story.

Vita: I was a private contractor before. Not much else to say.

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.47.18 AM — How long ago is this memory? She’s wearing the same clothes TODAY! WHAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE!

Vita is clearly a liar, but let’s get back to that other lying twat, Charlie.

Vita: Where are your friends?

Charlie: No one responded to me.

Vita: Do you have any exes?

Charlie: I sleep with all of my friends so technically they are all my exes.

Vita: I can tell that you think you don’t deserve what’s happening to you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t.

Charlie: You’re mean.

Vita then throws a file at Charlie. It is a list of people who donated to kill her.

All of a sudden Charlie is too drunk to function so Vita takes her to bed.

The dog wants out, so Vita takes the dog with her to bed.

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.52.27 AM — I know I’m late, but why the fuck is she wearing ballet flats with that outfit?

Vita then creepily tells herself not to get attached to the dog or Charlie.

Charlie wakes up and sneaks back to the kitchen to make a phone call to her friend Francie whose name she recognized from the list, and decides to threaten to kill her. Which turns out fine because then this happens.

What kind of asses are those? Did the Kardashians show up to kill her, too? THE END! Or to be continued. This one is fun. I can’t wait to learn the twist. And since this is Image, it is bound to be a good one! What do you think is going to happen to Charlie and Vita? Will they fall in love? Will Charlie get murdered? And if so, by who!? Who put the hit out on her head? And why did so many people back it? I mean she does look annoying, but a million fucking diamonds- I mean, dollars. That’s crazy. Will the dog survive?! If they kill the dog in this fucking comic book I will literally put a REAPR out on every single person involved in the making of this comic.

Clankillers Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Posted on August 11, 2018August 8, 2018 by CBB

Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy, but take this weapon, and let’s kill clansmen together, maybe?

Based on the name of this comic book, and the fact that I am such a hardcore liberal that I rode in a float at a parade for the young democrats before I could even vote, I had to purchase.

Clankillers is published by Aftershock comic books, written by Sean Lewis and art by Antonio Fuso.

As a warning, they say “fecking” a lot. And they’re Irish. I’m not sure if those two things are related. Someone let me know.

Hell is a Place Called Ireland.

I’m not making that assumption that is the title of this first issue.

So the comic book starts with this naked woman sitting cross-legged breathing ice or smoke everywhere talking shit about Goddess Balor and her dad. Daddy issues. Yawn.

Screenshot 2018-08-07 at 11.38.39 PM — What a nice looking rash.

IDK who tf this ghost voice is talking to, but she is talking about the King of Ireland, her father.

Basically, she said this Goddess of Balor told him to murder all the clans to make him a feared king, cause it would make his daughters get over the fact their mother is dead or gone or something.

Yeah, when my mom died and my dad went on a serial killing spree I felt SOO much better.

The girl continues on to say that murdering everyone made them into heathens. Cause why wouldn’t it? If you’re powerful and can’t be touched you start doing bad things just to see how far you can go without getting in trouble. Kinda like the Jinx, ya know?

Screenshot 2018-08-07 at 11.44.08 PM — Looks like an Eiffel Tower in the background over there.

So we finally meet the girl after she makes this speech, her name is Finola and her and her boyfriend, Cillian just murdered a bunch of people and stole a skull from them. Or they took the school themselves.

Then we meet her dad, Padraig the Grotesque ( he got his name from building a castle out of skulls and feeding the flesh to cows apparently)

So he’s chillin on his throne and he has all these townsfolk offer things to him in exchange for their lives.

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.20.08 AM — IDK if you can read this shit, but after this bitch offers him women in baths he’s like has anyone seen my daughters? Gross.

His daughters show up, like “we’re here to please you m’lord.” also gross.

And Lord Farquad or whatever his name was is like “Where’s the third daughter! You’re nothing without the other one!” then he smashes something with his sword. Like wtf? Who acts like that. Fucking weirdo.

So his one daughter who plays the violin says she probably went to the orphanage to see Cillian.

Then we’re back to Finola who is with C. She explains that she met him cause he was always hiding from the priest who would butt rape him. Ah, how fucked up religion was for hundreds and hundreds of years.

Cillian tells Finola that if he ever loves women one day, he wants to make demented babies with her. Cause you know he’s only fucked dudes up to this point.

Then a banshee shows up. Like a really tall banshee.

And she’s like “you’re stupid children.”

THEN SMASH BANG BOOM NEXT SCENE.

Lard Farquad goes to the orphanage AKA the church-run orphanage AKA the children sex-traffic ring to meet the priest and ask him where Cillian is.

So he bursts in there and backhands a little boy across his mouth and asks where the Cardinal is. These three naked hoes on a couch tell him he’s at “bible study”

Bible study is being guarded by nuns for some reason? Like, get better muscle. Or give the nun guards something to wear that they can actually fight people off in.

He backhands this bitch next and opens the door to find the Cardinal naked with some children and asks him where his daughter is.

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.31.52 AM — A little girl? Hmm thought Catholics were strictly into cock.

The King threatens to chop his dick off he doesn’t tell him where his kid went. But the Cardinal says they were there today, but they might be at the Bogs, so the King heads to the Bogs.

Finola and Cillian have ended up with not just one Banshee but a whole load of them, and they’re like “what do you children want?”

And Finola is like “we brought you a skull, but not just any skull the skull of a man who told my dad how to find you and send you to these Bogs.”

So the Banshees are like “That’s cool. We are wearing club dresses so its weird that we live in a swamp now, anyways.”

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.37.37 AM — If you wear Fashion Nova in a forest and no one is there to ogle your butt, did you ever wear Fashion Nova in the first place???

Fin’s like, “ya I figured. So I want something”

The Banshees are like, “okay what?”

Fin asks for the Goddess of Balor’s head… I think she’s the girl with the nice rashes from the first page?

So King Farquad is in the next panel so we have to wait for their answer. He’s looking through some binoculars at his daughter like the creep he is. He’s like “Fin found the monster bitches I banished. I’m gonna kick her ass, or murder her probably because I’m insane.”

The Banshees are like ” we can’t call the Goddess unless-”

Then Finn is like “I know we have to kill all the kings of the clans including my father.”

And the Banshees are like “You cool with that?”

Fin is like “Uh yeah. He sucks and I want my mom back. When the divorce happened no one even let me choose. Could have avoided a whole thing, but nooooo gotta murder n shit now.”

FIN.

I mean END.

Um, I really like this so far. It is twisted, but in a way that I’ve seen before so they’re gonna have to give a lot more in the upcoming issues, but I’m down to see what they come up with. And by the time I post this, the second issue will already be out! So I don’t even have to wait to see!

What did you think of the Clan Killers? Dope or Nope? Lemme know. And if you want me to recap a comic book put it in the comments and I will do that.

K thx, bye.

Rat Queens Special Neon Static: comic book recap

Posted on July 21, 2018July 21, 2018 by CBB

This is a Rat Queens one-off. With a quote “cyberpunk” futuristic story.

Idk if you’ve read the original Rat Queens story, but it’s pretty good and if you have not yet, I advise you to check it out.

I stole my first volume from a friend and never gave it back. I probably still have it but I don’t feel like looking for it otherwise I’d let you borrow it.

I don’t know if this story is going to need you to know the background, so I’m not going to explain it. That’s why you have Google, bitches.

The sassy murderers for hire have landed in some futuristic city but not everything is futuristic. For example, the cars look old school. V Confusing.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.15.48 AM — Blimps in the sky, normal.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.16.03 AM — Old ass jalopy. Not normal.

That’s Dee in that car I think. Dee is this warrior/mystic princess woman from the original book. Here she seems to be some sort of magical hacker.

She pulls up to a theater with the headline “My Grandmother Died…Help!” on the marquee.

She pulls up to the valet as a paperboy yells at her with a newspaper in his hand talking about Castywir. I don’t know who Castywir is, but we may find out later.

Dee heads into the theater where a man is asking for money to get his grandmother a proper burial. He’s up on a stage and there are not too many people in the audience, but there are other’s watching him cry on Facebook live and donating money to him. It’s weird.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.24.01 AM — 1,253 GOLDYEN. I WONDER HOW MUCH THAT IS IN BITCOINS?

So then get this, she gets right on stage with this guy and he keeps talking like nothing is happening and she stabs him in the neck with this octopus looking thing and then she is transported into a matrix filled with letters and numbers. I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.39.01 AM — What is that stink cloud coming off of her?

So then she’s like “oh this guy is a scammer.” Yeah anyone who raises money to bury their grandma is a scammer if they’re white, ok?

So she’s uploading something, then some bing noise starts going off and her foot lights up and she’s like “sorry ladies, we’re about to get some company.” And then she just falls backward and we’re back in the city, but this time all the rat queens are there.

IDK WTF happened. But Dee is sitting there happily with Violet, Hannah, and Betty, and she says the same line “We’re gonna have company” or whatever. Hannah is like this is taking too long already. Violet has a 5 o’clock shadow and a cigar hanging out of her mouth and its not fucking cute, and Betty is like “our attackers are in the elevator. Get ready.”

A bunch of creepy dudes crawl out of the elevator and the Rat Queens just shoot em up, but then outside there is a “phase dragon.” Which does not look like a dragon at all.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.08.02 AM — That doesn’t look very scary. More like a 6-foot turkey

Some Jurassic Park humor for you brains out there.

So the dragon/turkey in the sky exhales some magic spell on them that doesn’t affect Hannah because you need to have a soul to be affected. So she turns around and shits a spell on his dusty-ass right back.

Then they jump out of the open window like badasses and scale down the side of the building to their friends who are waiting in a van.

They didn’t kill the dragon yet tho.

Luckily there’s a convenient sunroof where one of their friends has popped out of with a machine gun, and the machine gun friend decides to shoot the dragon a million times.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.25.56 AM — It also sorta looks like a fish. Is anyone else getting catfish realness vibes from this?

So yeah their friend shoots the dragon down and is all, “I’m really cool for that.”

Then the Rat Queens are like “whatever, bye.” And they head to the nearest taco truck for some delicious treats.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.32.30 AM.png — Gary is not a Mexican name so those tacos must be trash.

So yeah read that panel because I’m lazy. They’re basically like why are we working this. There must be something else going on! BUM BUM BUHH

Then Hannah is like “I have sex with Sawyer.”

And they’re like, “Yeah you’re a skank.”

Then they start discussing the scammer.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.45.27 AM — I am too lazy to explain all of this.

So then that guy walks past them and Violet is like “hey, that’s the guy lets hurt him.” So Hannah blasts the scammer guy who is conveniently walking near them.

Dee: Hello Mr. Dead Grandma. Why you do bad things?

Mr. Dead Grandma: Well-

Betty then knees the scammer man in the pelvis.

Then he said it was all Castiwyr’s fault. You know that guy from the newspaper in the beginning.

Told ya so.

Mr. Dead Grandma: he’s blackmailing me.

Dee: How did he get your information

MDG: I signed up for a dating site.

Betty: Awww. 😦

Later, the Rat Queens head to LOVEME corp to get to the bottom of this shit.

Oh I’m starting to understand things. Dee is at a party at the LOVEME building, but she is a digital version of herself. Which makes more sense as to how she was able to stab MDG in the neck in the beginning of the story without anyone in the audience saying shit.

So all of these digital versions of themselves are having a party. One fish girl is talking to some blonde guy. They’re hitting it off really well then Dee shoots him in the forehead. And she’s like Hey Fish Girl sorry but that’s a phishing AI. And she’s like oh that makes sense. He wanted to know all of my deepest darkest secrets.

The Fish GIrl asks Dee to make out, Dee declines and hops into the alternate world of the Phishing AI, but she is nervous because Castiwyr is a really good hacker and if she goes too far she’ll die. Probably.

Dee finds out where Castiwyr lives and sends the location to the Queens. They head to his trash house. Which is in a literal looking dump. They find him dressed up like Transformers meets Prince IV.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 3.26.47 AM — HE IS THE DUMP!

So they fight him off while Dee snoops around to get his info.

They hit him with axes and swords and shoot him with guns.

They easily take down the TRANS-PRINCE BOT. Sounds politically incorrect, but I’ll keep it.

Betty is like now what? Was he inside of there? Should we beat whatever is left of him.

Then Dee is like actually come over here. And they go inside this, what I imagine is a hacker’s shed, and they find this ugly ass troll hiding inside.

Wow. This hits on so many levels.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 3.32.00 AM — Fucking internet trolls

So the Queens out this mother fucker as a troll. He is not the handsome, humanitarian hacker, he is a literal troll who blackmails people looking for love! What a ho!

THE END!

If ya’ll like this recap share it with your friends. And if you did not, keep your wrong opinions to yourself.

BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!