Batwoman #1

I finally strayed from Marvel! Someone get me some sort of award straight away.

While I was perusing my local comic book shop, Forbidden Planet NYC FYI, I saw this bad betch in all of her fake red hair glory and I knew she had to be mine!

The cover art looks like a movie poster. Batwoman is falling gracefully from some high up space with blazing hot red hair, red cape and red boots. Below her are the torsos of 4 ambiguous people who are all giving me “the eye.” Batman is also there. They’re like best friends so that makes sense.

This series is lovingly titled “The Many Arms of Death.” I suppose I will find out why. Not sure if Doc Ock is in this. I highly doubt it, therefore I’m completely out of ideas.

Batwoman reveals that she has been doing Batman’s dirty work for him, tracking down the last seller of monster venom on the international black market.

She’s all super spied out with a mic in her ear that connects her to Pennyworth Jr., a younger, hotter female and tech savvy Alfred. Batwoman has found her target, and she’s sure of it now because after sticking a needle in his arm he turned into a monster. Now she’s gotta kick him in the dick to get information out of him.

Pennyworth senses the danger Batwoman is in and deploys Batwoman’s handy dandy motor bike, which helps Batwoman dodge this monster’s fists. She leads him down some streets in a Jurassic-Park style chase scene, but she eventually defeats him and he reverts back to a regular dude.

Now she can finally get some information out of him, except that he gets stabbed in the eye by one of the floating torsos from the cover. The floating torso has a full body and she’s really bad ass looking. She wears her makeup in a super avant-garde way. Tres chic. Anyways they were apparently underground in some cave, I have no idea when this happened. The eye stabbing lady leaps up and out of the cave through a crack in the wall, as you do. Batwoman decides not to follow her out for some reason. Probably because the cape would have gotten caught in the crack?

No worries though because the eye stabber girl left behind one of her daggers so Batwoman’s got a lead. The dagger was made in a tiny beach town called “coryana”where Batwoman almost drowned back in the day but was saved. She was nursed back to health by a strange and likable enough guy named Rafael. When they make it to Coryana he is the first person to greet Batwoman, but unfortunately he’s been stabbed in the back and is just stumbling around the pier. So the dagger girl must be close by. When weird shit starts happening that’s when you know you’re getting close to the truth.

That was an awesome comic. Good job DC. I know DC and Marvel are like the Mary-Kate and Ashley of the comic book world, very similar, but we all favor one over the other. In this case I felt like that although I’m a Mary-Kate stan, I can find room in my heart for an Ashley. ❤

Inhumans #1

When I came across this Inhumans #1 in the comic book shop I couldn’t decide If I wanted to buy it and cover it or not. Then I got to thinking that after reading all of those X-Men comics, I was pretty interested in what the Inhumans were all about, so I bypassed the batwoman I was going to pick up (I went back) and instead (as well) got this comic. The cover is bad-ass and slightly overwhelming. I’ve said before that I like a solo comic book, these superhero group comics and the comics that have too many cross-over arcs stress me out. So picking up this comic book I knew I was getting myself into something deep that I may not be able to pick myself out of. Since…ummm it’s both. And I knew I was getting myself into both cause there’s like 500 inhumans on the cover of this thing. How much time was spent on JUST THIS COVER?! And also, who the heck are these people?!

One thing you should know if you are going to pick up a comic book with characters that have been around for years and you know nothing about them, then it is a good rule of thumb to have your computer out and google up to find out what got these characters in this situation and why they are the way that they are. Having said that, I did not google a gosh darn thing.  SO THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

So, based on my own readings and general knowledge…WHAT HAD HAPPEN WUZZ The X-Men went to war with the Inhumans over “Terrigen.” Terrigen gives the Inhumans their powers, but it is toxic to Mutants. So the mutants decided to beat up the Inhumans and after all these battles, The Queen Medusa of the Inhumans destroyed the “Terrigen Cloud” because they lost. The mutants and the Inhumans are going to rebuild this Terrigen together as long as it is controlled and does not affect the mutants. Because Marvel doesn’t want us to forget that the X-Men are the good guys, but they also needed a way to introduce Inhumans back into the mainstream comic book world for a dollar. Wow, what did I consume today? Petty with a side of shade it seems…

So anyways, we begin our story with this hot guy in a towel listening to the news about the Inhumans and mutant war. Apparently he’s an inhuman from another reality, obv, and he knows what Terrigen is and apparently the Inhumans do not. Therefore…I have no idea. But this comic named Inhumans Prime. PRIME! SO IT’S GOTTA BE GOOD.

Some of these inhumans are very alien looking and then some are human-looking. Since all humans look basically alike wouldn’t you think that Aliens would too? I always wondered that. Like when there are “aliens” none of them look at all alike. Some of them have tails, some have tentacles, some have horns. Wouldn’t you all have tails and just be different skin tones and eye colors and varying weights and heights? I DON’T GET IT.

Anyways, Maximus is leading a group of rag-tag rebels around the Grand Canyon. AND THERE ARE NO TOURISTS. UNREALISTIC!

Karnak has shown up to take Maximus and Triton, a merman(???), home. A fight ensues, and Karnak beats Triton to get them home, but Maximus has some Terrigen up his sleeve, which he feeds to the “Terrigen eater” he lovingly, calls “Farty.” This Terrigen eater can become anything he wants after consuming Terrigen so he decides to become this giant alien ox thing with extra arms and a trendy septum piercing.

The fight however, never even has a chance to turn into Farty Ox’s favor because right behind him are a group of inhumans coming to kick his ass.

He takes down, like maybe, two inhumans? And then he just turns back into the old farty man he was before. This dude was a part of Maximus’ squad, so after he gets taken down, Maximus is about ready to fight, but a tiny, angsty teen-psychic teleports over with Lockjaw and cancels his powers out. To which he basically shrugs and then gets sent to jail. So cheeky this guy. I like it.

Later….DRAMAAAA.

Black Bolt, Maximus’ brother, decides to visit Maximus in jail and stare at him menacingly while Maximus brings up everything Black Bolt has ever done wrong. And the most upsetting thing about that is, Black Bolt has this weird tick where if he speaks up for himself he destroys entire populations. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?! Poor Black Bolt just has to take the jabs from his brother and be the “bigger person.” It’s no fun being the bigger person. Comic books make that fact very obvious. Anywhoozle, Maximus decides to whisper a confession into Black Bolt’s ear, and as the reader, we don’t know what it is. But whatever it is seems only to be a minor inconvenience to Black Bolt, as he just sort of walks away from Maximus only mildly angry. It makes me think he burped in his face instead of saying anything of substance when Black Bolt got close to him. You know, brother shit.

Obviously whatever Maximus did or said to Black Bolt was pretty petty because Black Bolt decides to up the pettiness by 10,000 fold and has his wife sentence Maximus to a life sentence in the abyss of space. (Which we know he will break out of, spoiler.)

Queen Medusa also mentions in her speech that after she sends this guy to deep space, she’s going to appoint some girl with Rihanna’s old haircut to lead everyone and no longer be Queen. She’s certainly pulling no power punches while she still has that royal power. Like, “first of all my annoying bro-in-law is getting exiled because I’m over him, and secondly I’m putting this chick in charge while we come up with a proper government, which will take my lifetime, and this girl is mad-loyal to me, so I’m set for life and I’m tired. Bye.”

But she said it more eloquently than that.

So, the inhumans are recovering from the war and it really hit them and they’re changing everything about themselves. FULL RE-BRANDING. Like, Marvel didn’t even try to hide the fact they were re-branding them. But I’m buying, so it’s working. And I might buy their spin-offs too. Probably not the Black Bolt spin-off because I like my heroes to be more talkative and less moody, but I might buy the Royals spin-off that was mentioned in an epilogue of this comic book!

All in all, it was a pretty good read, and if you want to get into something new the Inhumans may just be the next Guardians of the Galaxy. Damn. Disney. I wanna call them sell-outs and be all hipster and moody about liking comics before they were cool, but these stories are good. And good for comic book writers and artists and whatever because they’ve been making me happy for years and THEY DESERVE ALL THE GOOD SHINY RAINBOW THINGS IN LIFE!

Jean Grey #1

I was excited to pick up this X-Men spin-off of Jean Grey. This Jean Grey is not the Jean Grey we’re used to. She’s the N00b from back in time when Professor X first started leading a team of dorky teen-agers. The tricky thing is that she has time-traveled with those other dorks from her original X-Men team to present day. And she got a bad haircut. They do not explain the style choice in this issue, however.

She’s like a really moody teenager and doesn’t appreciate anything. I know this because she’s having brunch in Japan and being really mopey about it. Like, are you kidding me? You have a magical demon BAMF named Pickles that will teleport you anywhere in the world for brunch. She must have like, a billion Instagram followers.

But alas, Pickles is only good for one thing it seems and when, conveniently, a group of villains called the “wrecking crew” show up and Jean has to fight them on her own while Pickles eats “pucky” which I assume is knock-off Pocky.

Man, it must be really hard to be a villain in the Marvel Universe. Tough gig. I’ve never even seen a villain get away. For long anyway. I think that’s why superheroes fight each other sometimes. For the small thrill of fighting someone their own size.

If I had powers I would definitely use my powers for evil. But I might turn good if I lost enough times.

One more question I have, Jean Grey does not wear people clothes. She wears green and yellow spandex everyday. Is that because she expects super villains to just pop out of nowhere and she’ll have to bounce into action? Because I think she could have done what she just did in this book in jeans. Cause she uses her mind to fight, I can see how someone who has to use martial arts to fight would need a spandex suit, but I digress. It’s more fun to wear a uniform I’m sure.

She’s been fighting these fools for a while when all of a sudden she starts hearing voices. Which is not that weird of a thing for a psychic, but this time IT’S DIFFERENT.

WHO IS IT?!

Spoiler Alert, it’s the Phoenix force and she’s after this young Jean Grey.

But if you read the beginning of this book then you would know that young Jean Grey is not into that idea.

The good news is, The Phoenix inside Jean’s head was enough to distract her totally and the bad guy hit her in the head and got away with the money!

There is hope for my villain career.

Never give up hope children. You can do whatever you want forever!

Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider

This is the third comic I’ve picked up in the last few weeks that starts in Las Vegas. I wonder how these heroes aren’t all running into each other. Is Ben Reilly a hero though? Is Nick Fury? Is Elektra? Meh. All of them are pretty seedy, so I guess this is the place where the morphed hero/villain people head to.
Ben Reilly is a clone of a hero, but he’s so tortured that he’s turned into a character all his own. I love Spider-Man. I think that’s why I picked up this Scarlet Spider spin-off. Also, I really, really enjoy Reilly’s outfit choices. A cosplayer’s wet dream. I hope this series lives up to his runway skills.
I’m not really hip to the clones storyline, I did play the running Spider-Man clone game on my phone and it wasted a lot of my life, but I’m still pretty unsure of who Ben Reilly is outside of his origin story.
The picture that they’re painting of him is basically the character of Deadpool having an illusion that he is Spider-Man. The only reason I know he’s not Deadpool is because there are no yellow bubbles. All of the other major identifying points of Deadpool are there. For example; scarred up face, (that’s all I see right now, could be body as well) Imaginary friends who talk to him, and he saved a woman and then forced her to give him $50. Since I’m reading as I write, I’m currently reading in the story that he’s also picked up an old lady to befriend whose name is “June” which is, in Reilly’s words, “close enough.” There’s a merc with a mouth I know who also likes to hang out with old ladies.
If there isn’t a Deadpool spin-off where Wade Wilson attempts to steal the life of Peter Parker, which sounds great, then what we’ve clearly been missing is here in this book.
Immediately after Ben Reilly adopts a new “Aunt June,” a squad of armored and armed goons waltz into the casino and begin to threaten the patrons and demand their money.
That just seems unlikely to me because Casinos have so much surveillance! These robbers clearly didn’t think this one through. And I’m right, they did not because they are quickly foiled by a bald man who, when shot by a crap-load of bullets, is unaffected. Always a good thing to be.
Now, Reilly is intrigued by this guy because of the invincibility-thing he’s got going on, and just before the bald man came to the rescue, Reilly had broken in half the machine gun of one of the goons who threatened his Aunt June. Therefore, the bald man kinda likes Reilly too. This is my sort of meet-cute.
The unnamed Bald man brings Reilly to his boss, whom also owns the casino. She’s also really hot and scary. Her name is Cassandra Mercury and she’s the reason Reilly came to Las Vegas.
It turns out that back when Ben Reilly was going by the name of his former captor, “The Jackal” he got into the pharmaceutical industry and instead of curing his patients he was simply replacing them with healthy clones. Not cool. Very freaky actually. And Mercury was a victim of his crimes. The Jackal took away her daughter and replaced her with a clone.
Naturally, Reilly asks Mercury for help, but ummm the problem with that is, Mercury is still pretty miffed about what he did to her daughter.
And that’s that! You’ll have to check out the next issue if you want to find out if Mercury helps The Scarlet Spider or if she simply blows his brains out!

This was a pretty cool story. It did really feel to me like Deadpool and Spider-Man had a baby. Which is a dream come true, but I’m feeling back and forth about continuing with this series. He is a pretty fun character so far and I do want to see what Peter David is going to bring to the table with him. I feel like this one is going to be quite character-driven and if it’s not that’s a mistake. I really want to get to know Ben Reilly right now after all he’s been through. He seems to still have his humour despite losing his mind. Good combination. Hmm I might have just convinced myself to continue this series…0.o

Nick Fury #1

Mmmkay let’s start with the cover. It’s so pink and pretty! I was immediately attracted to and excited by this trim and simple cover.
Nick Fury is on a solo adventure in the French Riviera for his first mission. He’s headed into a casino to “acquire data” from a chief money-man for Hydra.
He’s given a set of tasks to complete and he uses his handy dandy S.H.I.E.L.D pin to complete these tasks.
So let’s talk about this pin for a sec. It looks like a clock and every time he moves the hands something in this casino fritzes out…Somehow he got his pocket watch to link up to the casino’s gaming machine, the random dog inside the casino, the sprinkler system and the music. It’s a little incredulous but this is a comic book and he is the world’s best spy, so I’m sure he did research beforehand. He’s not going into this mission all willy nilly!
Fury has created an amazing distraction…or distractions all over the casino, but while laying his traps he caught the eye of one bitch you don’t want to mess with.
Fury gets the data he needs and now all he must do is get past Frankie Noble, Agent of Hydra, and her cronies.
The fight heads to the skies. Which is odd because Fury chose a car as his transportation of choice and Noble chose a boat. Spies are so weird. Always spending so much money on these gadgets and gizmos. Makes Batman look like a punk.
Wrong Universe.
Moving on…
Fury has defeated the flying boat by forcing the boat to relive a treacherous Titanic moment. Pause for tears and throwback to Titanic.
There wasn’t room on the door.
He tries to get on but it sinks.
People forget that.
Back to the comic book…
Some hydra agents have survived the crash, including, SURPRISE! Noble. Now this crazy bitch is standing on this rock with Gwenyth Paltrow’s head* in one hand and a gun in the other, waiting for Fury’s car to crash into her face.
But in true hero form, Fury maneuvers his car away from what could have been a fatal death blow.
Until next time…

All in all, it was a fun read. I do want to continue reading even though there isn’t any crazy plot established yet. I believe this series will definitely be entertaining, and honestly my favorite comic book series are the solo adventures. Things like Civil War where everything is linked together just stresses me out. I’ll definitely be picking up #2 when it comes out May 17th.

*It was actually her wig*

Secret Empire #0

Secret Empire #0

Now, I’m usually in the business of reviewing number #1 comics only, but I decided this week to mix it up with 1’s besties… 0 and 2!
This time around we have Secret Empire #0! I’m not really sure why they named it #0 instead of #1. Perhaps because it’s an introduction to a re-written universe than the one we’re used to. Although, it read more like a #1 then a prologue so I guess the reasoning will remain a mystery to me…
The cover is amazing. Captain America looks so menacing with the symbol of Hydra emblazoned on his chest. Cap also suffered some wardrobe malfunctions it seems and he’s got a sexy one shoulder thing going on, as well as some thigh showing. If the comic book world is finally realizing they need to appeal to women, they are starting off on the right foot.
We learn right away that Captain America has been a lying piece of $**t our whole lives. Much like our fathers. But Captain America has an excuse unlike our daddies; his reality has been secretly rewritten by Kobik, which if you don’t know, is a sentient cube. Of course. Always a sentient cube with this guy.
Now that Captain America is working with Hydra, he’s basically the best Russian Spy that ever was. I mean, he made it all the way to Director of S.H.I.E.L.D soooo…yeah that’s like if our president was revealed as a Russian- Eh. Never mind.
We begin with a Chitauri invasion, and that’s bad because there are trillions of Chitauri. About four different superhero teams on Earth fighting are them under Captain America’s command and I know that Captain America is bad now, but I still have this feeling he’s going to pull through and remember that he’s a hero.
Alas he is not.
The shields may be up and the Chitauri may be stopped, but Hydra is using this is as their grand opportunity to take over once and for all.
I always kinda liked Hydra. I like when women lead things, and I also really like Bob. Bob’s the best.
Two sides to every story I say, but Sharon Carter isn’t on board with that idea. She sees the world in black and white, and for some reason Steve Rogers still loves her even as a turned spy. TURNCOAT!!
I love shouting that.
Our heroes are learning that the Chitauri invasion was the perfect excuse for Hydra agents to get in, though they don’t know who has gotten through the shield or why, yet. They also don’t know who let them in, save Sharon Carter.
America need not worry though because the Cap’s best frenemy, Tony Stark, is on the case! YOU CAN’T OUTSMART THIS GUY. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN TRY?!
Zemo is on a boat on the Hudson River because…um… well I imagine just because it’s fun and he’s celebrating a big WIN. Fly the W amiright? He is with someone named Bob, but I don’t think this is the Bob I’m friends with. And by “I’m” I mean Deadpool. I don’t think this is the same agent Deadpool is friends with. Or at least I hope not. Otherwise I’ve been outsmarted and duped by TWO guys I trust. Anyways Bob AKA Blackout has created a darkforce dimension in NYC. I am in New York right now and I can tell you that this is indeed true. He has succeeded.
But the superheroes have assembled on Capitol Hill and we’re going to find out what goes down is Issue #1!!

Wow that felt weird. Still wondering why they called this #0. But that doesn’t keep me from being excited to see how this story unfolds!

Weapon X #1!!!

Ever since reading X-Men Prime, I could not wait to get my hands on Weapon X #1.

I mean, yeah Weapon X was a horrible crime against nature that turned some not-so-innocent people into weapons of destruction…BUT it also gave us a ton of fan-favorite characters, so clearly military experiments that have gone awry also have their silver linings. The problem I have with the weapon X experiment is the fact that these scientists won’t let these experiments, I mean people, live their lives.

As we dive into the book, in the first scene we are introduced to “Old Man Logan.” He’s just chilling in a forest like a hermit (as one does) when out of nowhere he is attacked by millennial robots! See, this is what I mean about not letting them live in peace.

It is no regular hit job. (when is it ever?) Logan’s first clue into the meaning behind this attack is the two-foot long blades for finger nails on one of the robots. Logan only knows one Lady with the exact same manicurist. It’s just too much of a coincidence. The people who built this robot must have Lady Deathstrike.

If you turn the page, you will realize that she is indeed being held captive, in a water tank tube thingy no less. If you read X-Men Prime then you already know how she got captured, too. And if you didn’t I guess you better pick it up!

Next to the water-tank-tube-thingy that holds the lovely Deathstrike is a chunk of Wolverine’s arm. Now, I didn’t cover this in the beginning of this post but the book does explain how the scientists got wolverine’s arm chunk. Logan basically handed it over to them to get away.

A really great thing about these tank tubes is that they are all labeled, and correctly so far. I say so far, because there are 5 total tanks and three of them are empty. But the empty ones are still labeled. Now, I’m no psychic, but I bet these tanks are displaying the names of our lovely leading cast of characters.

Side note, if you pick this comic book for no other reason at all let it be this: There is an amazing scene of Logan searching on a computer in a free public library that will make you happy that you did.

He’s there because the well-manicured, mutant, murder machines really freaked Logan out. So instead of “slashing” his way out of this one, Logan decides to use his brain and come up with a plan. I’ve never known Logan to be a great strategist so I’m intrigued to learn what his plan is…And once I turn the page and find out I am not disappointed. We all know Logan is a simple man but that doesn’t necessarily mean bad. Logan’s plan is all instinct. He is literally driving by the seat of his pants. Who needs a complicated plan full of twists and turns? Not me. All I need is an old man on a motorcycle driving down a dead dirt road with his nose in the air hunting for something.

I also need a forced team up between former and current rivals.

Can’t wait for Issue #2!

First blog post

My first post!

Hello all!

I’m transitioning from a tumblr to a wordpress account! I’m very excited about how professional I’m becoming. JK. Never.

Anyways, the tumblr account for comic book betch will mostly focus on comic book pictures and funny superhero memes so keep checking it out, but all of my recaps will now be posted here! And just because it’s visual content now doesn’t mean it will be the same as my Instagram!

Look out for even more content having to do with video games, movies, TV series, cartoons and more.

Since comic books aren’t just comic books anymore, neither am I.

Did that make sense?

No?

That’s fine.

Now I’m going to go do yoga and get pinot grigio ( not necessarily in that order) because I’m still basic af.