X-Factor #7 Comic Book Recap : GUESS WHO’S POSSESSED IN BARCELONA!

IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE HORNY TEENS AGAIN!

Are they teens? No they have to be like early or mid-twenties? IDFK. All I know is that it’s like an orgy over there in the X-Factor boneyard.

Boneyard. Wow. I just got that.

This issue is brought to you by Leah Williams, David Baldeon, and Ivan Shavrin

If you don’t know what’s going on, how about you catch up on my last recap of X-Factor #6?

Now that we’re all caught up, we can begin.

Guess who showed up today? Speed! AKA Tommy, AKA if you’re watching WandaVision, one of Wanda’s twins. He looks just like Pietro, is slightly more annoying than Pietro, and enjoys the company of men, especially Prodigy.

Instead of discussing how there might be two of you out in the world, and you may be a resurrected clone of sorts, let’s just shut up and make out.

Tommy came over to let Prodigy know that he actually did not die in the O.N.E attack on Xavier’s institute, because he was with Tommy that night and he has the steamy photos to prove it.

So it turns out he was resurrected without a body, which I guess means that there is another Prodigy buzzing about somewhere?

Next up, another lovely couple of sluts, Daken and Aurora are strolling through the halls, and they have a conversation and it goes like this:

Daken: You smell scared.

Aurora: It’s weird that you can smell that.

Daken: Yeah but I can only smell lust and fear, I can’t telepathically understand why people have those emotions.

Aurora: Well I’m lusting over you right now.

Daken: Yeah I know. I literally just told you I could tell.

Aurora: Oh, right. Wanna make out?

Daken: No.

Aurora: Damn, ok.

Aurora has got to be the least slutty hoe I’ve ever seen.

Northstar calls his dog, Daken, over. Daken is tracking Siryn, as you know if you read last month’s recap.

Northstar tells Daken to get Fleet Seeds while he’s out and also warns Daken that he will kill him if he hurts his sister, Aurora. And Daken is like, “cool story, bro.”

Wow, I really hope he doesn’t forget those Fleet Seeds. Seem really important. Wow.
He forgot Fleet Seeds, but he invested heavily in Doge coin.

Daken is following Siryn. Polaris is a dumb hoe, because Siryn tricked her last issue into lying for her, so although Daken is tracking Siryn to the States, Polaris tells everyone she’s in Barcelona going on a walking tour. If you didn’t say Barcelona with a lisp you fucking suck.

Northstar decides to split the team up to interrogate Siryn’s closests friends, and because half the team can tell when someone is lying to them, they’re splitting up into three groups of two. Speaking of lies, Eye-Boy notices that Polaris is straight up lying to the whole team. He doesn’t say anything though, because Polaris is sitting right there and that would be shades af. Northstar gets up to find Prodigy who was just boning Tommy.

Northstar runs into Tommy first, and Tommy has a lot of questions for Northstar because Northstar is really fast and Tommy is really fast, but Northstar is faster and also older. And rich. And a twin. And a Leader. And everything that Tommy probably wants to be/sort of already is.

How old do you have to be to call someone “young person?” How old is Northstar and why is he hanging out with all these horny teens? I have questions.

So, next we get a scene of Tommy being really annoying and asking a ton of speed-related questions to Northstar, and Prodigy physically pushes him out, making me think that he might be the top?

Prodigy and Northstar get to their boring ass mission of interrogating Siryn’s friends. This mission proves fruitless. Her dad, Banshee didn’t even know that she died once. SO!

Daken tries to call Lorna AKA Polaris, but she ignores the call. RUDE! Then this shows up.

PSA: This is really important to the rest of the storyline.

If you need a summary here it is: THIS BITCH, MORRIGAN, SHE CRAZY!

Next up, Daken is alone because Polaris is in charge of the only cell phone, or maybe she’s the only number that Daken knows by heart? Sweet. Anyways, Daken gets captured by Siryn, but spoiler, it’s not Siryn it’s Morrigan. The crazy bitch you just read about. NOICE.

Anyways, Morrigan beats the shit out of Daken and throws his body onto a spike, so he can’t fully heal himself and then while she is attacking him she also shits in his mouth. JUST KIDDING! But she does shit all over him, metaphorically speaking.

Wow, so fucking rude.

So, Daken is just chilling being staked like a common vampire. Meanwhile, it’s taken them days to figure out that Polaris is lying. But once they confront her and remove the psionic blocks that Morrigan- acting as Siryn- put in her, they realize that Daken is missing and needs to be found. This is like 4 fucking days later btw. So he’s been in the cold wearing his light jacket and jeans. What an idiot. This is why I always tell people to layer.

It takes Northstar all of seven minutes to look throughout the entire Tundra to find Daken and save his life.

Why is he yelling at him right now? He, literally, is impaled on a stick.

Now that Northstar has saved Daken, it’s sexy-time for Daken and Aurora.

V sexy of her to dress as a pilgrim and get inside a jacuzzi.

Daken opens up his heart to Aurora and it’s very lovely. So cute. They’re in love. I love this. And they finally kiss, I guess he’s down for it now after being skewered for a few days in the Tundra. They are rudely interrupted by Northstar screaming for Aurora. which he does ALL. THE. TIME.

Daken: Why is he always screaming like that? Can’t he just zoom in to see if you’re okay?

Aurora: He’s scared to lose me.

Daken: Doesn’t answer my question.

Aurora: He was trapped in Nate Grey’s false Utopia. It fucked with his mind.

Daken: My sisters were trapped in there.

Aurora: So you already.

Daken: Already what?

Aurora: You already.

Daken: What?

Aurora: Know. You already know. It’s slang, from like, England.

Daken: You’re never going to make “you already” happen.

Aurora: You already.

Daken: Damn.

THEN WE DO A COMPLETE 180. Which makes me believe that we are missing pages from this storybook. BUT on the very next page after the hot tub sexy-time scene, it is several hours later in the living room and half the team is dead. Only Eye-Boy, Daken, and Prodigy are the last ones left alive. And it’s mad creepy, because the killer set up Aurora and Northstar in this weirdo hex/witchy-shit type of situation.

I wonder who killed everybody!?

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We have a serial killer on the loose!!!

What did you think of this issue? I am really starting to like X-Factor. Definitely becoming one of my faves. When do you think this run will be pick up by Disney+ as a series??? I’m thinking since they’re still taking storylines from 2005 it might not be until 2030 we see this in our living rooms.

Deadpool #10 Comic Book Recap: Let’s Merc These Hoes

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch. This week I shall be recapping Deadpool #10. And Guess what the fuck what? It’s a King in Black adventure again!!! When Marvel goes for it, they go for it.

Written by the hilarious Kelly Thompson

Art by Gerardo Sandoval

Cover by Chris Sotomayor

Deadpool, or King Deadpool as he is known by now, is lamenting about the King in Black and how they’ll let anyone be King these days, and this King in Black has left the city, and his island, the Island of Staten…why did I say that? He’s on Staten Island. Anyways the whole country or world or something is covered in black goo. Same shit different issue.

Deadpool decides to have a groupthink with his honor guard, unfortunately everyone’s pretty dumb there, except for Elsa Bloodstone, who, if you’re not new to this blog, you know that I FUCKING STAN!

I can’t wait to see King Deadpool cosplay at a con.

In the groupthink they decide to form ANOTHER team, other than this guard, because the Island of Staten is full of monsters to choose from.

They form a team and then they walk into the room really cool like this:

What a badass group of monsters. And, awkwardly, one monster hunter.

So after they do their cool walk, these weird little priest monsters come in and tell King Deadpool that it’s the end of days, and Deadpool is like “Yeah. IT FUCKING ALWAYS IS.”

Unimpressed, Deadpool is about to walk away when the priest informs him that the monster that is here (The King in Black) is going to devour the King of Monsters as is prophesied, this gets Deadpool’s attention because HE IS the King of Monsters. But, Deadpool says that there is no way this is the Priests monster that they prophesied, it is a Marvel monster and it’s a comic book event, so instead of worrying about these priests and their dumb prophecies, he takes his team of monsters and goes to battle!

Okay, Kohlaab the Pile is definitely touching the symbiote.

Then it gets really sad because the monster eats the snowman, who I did not even bother to mention earlier, but he’s cool because he only speaks in winter-related puns, see what I did there?

NOT FROSTY THE UNMELTABLE SNOWMAN!

Shiny, the monster who shines a light through his mouth, opens his mouth and shoots a blinding hole through the wing of one of the venom dragons, and this gives the team a chance to regroup.

Then this next part is really cool. I love this comic book. Deadpool is literally such a great character and having Kelly Thompson write him!? UGH CHEF’S KISS.

Jeff the Shark touches the goo, and Deadpool is noticeably upset but he promises to find a way to save Jeff, Jeff is already turned though, and bites Deadpool on the hand. Elsa says they can’t afford to have Deadpool turned by the black goo because he is indestructible, TRUE, so Deadpool hacks off his hand. I love this comic book. Deadpool is the fucking best.

They totally stole this from The Walking Dead, except Rick is a bitch who can’t grow back limbs.

Deadpool and the team decide to do another cool group walk back into the scene, but it is rudely interrupted by Jelby, who left their group behind in issue #6. He comes bearing gifts though, a gift in the form of Jeff the Shark safely hidden away in a bowl of Jelby’s jelly.

The entire teams climbs inside of Jelby and they take on the venom dragon from inside of Jelby, Deadpool coins their conjoining as the “Monster-Tron” Patent pending.

I don’t know where all those lights are coming from, There is only one Shiny on the team that I know about.

Using a combination of butts and brains they are able to defeat the dragon symbiote monster, or at least they are able to throw the dragon into a giant hole, but as Elsa points out “it’s got sodding wings!”

This leads to the writer to doing a tie-in to a previous issue, and it’s all very romantic and beautiful and breaking of the fourth wall. As all Deadpool comics are.

He loves red heads. This is canon af.

As Deadpool fends off the dragon from below, Jelby jumps down to save the day!

He contains the dragon in his little jelly belly and Wade is forced to sever another limb to stop the symbiote goo from taking him over…but that does give me pause? Could these severed limbs come back as symbiotes? hmmmm…I GUESS NOT BECAUSE JUST LIKE ARMIE HAMMER, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED.

The day is saved, but there is still one thing left to deal with!

Deadpool already sounds like a dad.

They take a note from Spider-Man and get the symbiote off of Jeff using some loud-ass music. And then Jeff is back to normal and so freaking cute. I cannot.

LOOK AT THAT FACE OMG. OMFG.I LOVE YOU JEFF THE SHARK! I might get this last panel tattooed on me. Thoughts?

King Deadpool saves the day, and it turns out the priests were wrong, the monster will be coming to get him in 2022. A line is forming outside so that Deadpool can pay for the property damages he caused with all of this fighting, and Elsa gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. All is well, except that this run is getting canceled and it’s the fucking worst thing that could happen to any of us because it is so good. I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept.

Black Cats and Green Bats: Black Cat #2 Comic Book Recap.

Writer: Jed MacKay

Artist: C.F. Villa

Cover Artists: Pepe Larraz and Marte Gracia

Are you over Knull and his league of Symbiote dragons?

Well, I’m not!

This brings me to my wonderful recap, Queen in Black : Black Cat #2!

So the jist of issue #1 is this: Black Cat and friends were in the middle of a heist when Knull and the symbiotes attacked. The Avengers showed up but they couldn’t do shit, the most they could do was tell Felicia that she needs to save Doctor Strange because he’s the only hope in all of this mess. Captain America gave her this package that Doctor Strange needs to stop the symbiote and if she can deliver the package to Doctor Strange then he can save the world. Problem is, Doctor Strange is currently locked up in a symbiote goo prison on top of the Chrysler building.

Isn’t it lucky that my suit tore in THESE exact spots!?

Felicia and the boys meet up with symbiote expert Dr. Steve and the good doctor gives Felicia a prototype anti-venom suit. He had been working on these suits since before the invasion as he was warned in advance. LIKELY FUCKING STORY. Anyways it’s a combination of anti-venom serum and the lobotomized symbiote from the Absolute Carnage series.

Dr. Steve warns Felicia that the suits will basically dissolve at some point and the odds of her finding Dr. Strange in the symbiote goo faster than the suits will die off is slim to none.

However, Felicia knows a guy.

Dogs don’t play chess, they play poker. What an idiot.

With the suit, and a ghost dog, this mission is ready to begin. Felicia’s army of nerds gets her Goblin’s hovercraft to ride to the top of the Chrysler building and it looks pretty badass, I have to say.

Wouldn’t your feet just slip out of the back? What’s the point of those straps?

They make it to the goo prison and Felicia jumps off the aircraft and throws her ball of anti-symbiote suit-suit like a Pokeball and it’s binds to her, but she says it feels weird because it’s crawling all over her. BITCH, IT’S A LIVE SUIT. WHAT DID YOU THINK? You literally have alien organisms attaching to your body rn.

Look! There’s a black cat on her chest! AWWWW what a cute spot for a kitty.

Felicia and Bats, the ghost dog, land inside the goo ball, and although Felicia can breathe thanks to her suit, she can’t see anything. So how tf she gon’ get to the Doctahh? Luckily, Bats is like “hey hoe, I found him.”

She follows Bats through the goo and all the while she is just talking shit about symbiotes and how much she hates Eddie Brock and it’s all his fault, blah blah blah.

Just as Felicia’s suit is about to fail her and she starts wheezing for breath, they find Doctor Strange and she throws the Pokeball- er, I mean the anti-venom, er, anti-symbiote, NO! the SYMBIWON’T. hahhahaha. good one, betch. Anyways she throws that ball and the suit envelops Doctor Strange.

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!

Bats leads them out of the goo and they fall from the sky, luckily Felicia’s nerds have the Spider-Man buggy and they drive up a wall to pick her up.

Here grab this pole I barely have a grip on. That should be fine for you and the large man you’re carrying.

One of Felicia’s nerds, Bruno is tasked with driving the buggy out of harm’s way, meanwhile the other nerd, Doc, his job is to wake up Doctor Strange. Black Cat creates the distraction by throwing bombs around, making light blasts, because symbiotes like the dark. Little known factoid for you all.

Felicia thinks and thinks in these black boxes throughout the chase scene about how they’re all just lowly thieves and caught up in a crazy mess and she just wants to steal, etc. Then this crazy ass mother fucker, Bruno, drives the little buggy off a building and they crash.

Spoiler alert: Everyone survives.

They regroup and their conversation goes like this:

Bruno: Hey, the buggy is dunzo.

Felicia: well that sucks cause if you look in this panel, there’s about a million symbiote dragons heading this way.

Doc: Panel, what are you-

Felicia: This package, you know the one that Comic Book Betch mentioned earlier? With the magic wand in it? We were supposed to deliver this to Doctor Strange so he can win.

Doc: Yeah, but why are you being so expositional right now? Who the hell is Comic Book Betch? You could just say “the wand” or the “package.”

Felicia: Shut up, Doc. Anyways, why don’t I just use it?

Bats: That’s a horrible idea. You don’t know what it does, also it’s magic and you’re not magic.

Doc: Yeah that’s a bad idea, you could die. Please don’t do it.

Bruno: Don’t do it, Felicia.

Felicia: ….

Bats: ?

Doc: ?

Bruno: ?

Felicia: I did it.

It looks like Doctor Strange’s collar is tiny arms and he is waving them around like ‘YAS QUEEN’

Turns out it was an Asgardian wand and it gave her a fucking GODDESS outfit. It even braided a piece of her hair! OMG.

DAMN. The whole ride from beginning to end was a 10/10 FOR ME DAWG!

I was not expecting this ending, and I am fully in support of an Asgardian Black Cat Goddess.

What do you hoes think? Sound off in the comments.

King in Black: Gwenom VS Carnage #1 Comic book recap – I wish these dragons didn’t eat my friends.

Written by Sean McGuire

Art by Flaviano

Colorist: Rico Renzi

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch.

This Gwenom VS Carnage #1 is out now! I have high hopes for this run so let’s dive in shall we?

Gwenom AKA Ghost Spider, Peter Parker’s ex-girlfriend, and girl covered in living spiders, is going to college on a different dimension after getting run out of her dimension by evil Storm siblings. This we already know. She’s in college at Empire State University. She has three roommates that she loves very much, and the entire city is covered in Venom goo! Oh no!

She’s having some trouble rounding up these black gooey symbiotes because her Spidey senses don’t work on it.

She is literally Spider-Man.

Ghost Spider tries to save this guy from the symbiote goo. And of course the goo got him and turned him into a monster. So she heads back to her dorm to protect her roommates. But who follows her there?

None other than the dragon goo monsters!

Unfortunately, she cannot save them in time and they all turn into goo pods.

I never knew symbiotes were dragons. COOOOLLL

Then Ghost Spider is a total fucking bad ass, webs herself up some boots and rides that goo dragon like fucking Khaleesi.

I love bad bitches. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.

Then she says she needs to find out what’s going on, so she needs Peter or Miles’ help? Why the fuck do you need a man’s help, bitch? You can solve this shit on your own. I blame the writer. Why even bring that up? We don’t need that line. Throw it out, burn it, bury it the in backyard. Mourn tomorrow because today Ghost Spider is lighting up this shit.

So as she’s crying about needing a man’s help, she decides she’s going to use her necklace to teleport back to her dimension because obviously the world is over here. Unfortunately something is fucked up with the transporter and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.

Looks like some goo got her.

Back in Earth-65 however, Mary Jane is being used as a torture victim for the Jackal, who is upset that Gwen Stacey is gone so he’s gotta use this bitch as his second choice. Just like Peter!

Too soon?

He tries to douse her in the same spiders that Gwen uses to make her Ghost Spider suit. Because with his logic, the spiders are bonded to Gwen and Gwen is bonded to Mary-Jane, sooo, a friend of my friend is also my friend?

Mary Jane screams out for her friend, Gwen. And somehow they are bonded together and Mary-Jane is forced into the Earth-616 time zone.

“Hmmm…did you guys have any other friends? No? Oh. Damn.”

So Mary-Jane in Earth-616 gets there by basically splitting Gwen in half, however Gwen is fine after she births the 20-something full grown woman from her chest.

Gwen was midway in the air while MJ came careening out of her chest so now she is falling from the sky and Gwen is just in time to save her life.

Unfortunately they fall into a pile of goo and MJ is immediately corrupted.

Knull the God of the Symbiotes is creepily watching all of this happen, hence the red in the last panel. I guess he sees everything in red? So how does he notice red flags amiright? He probably doesn’t date much amiright? Okay, I’m done.

So Knull feels MJ and merges with her. Yuck. So now he has taken over Mary-Jane’s symbiote body and she has become Carnage. HENCE THE NAME OF THE COMIC.

Wait, why do you get to be Carnage???” “Because I have red hair, duh. Geeze Gwen you’re so dumb.”

We’re off to the races now aren’t we boys! And did you notice that nice new Symbiote suit Gwen’s got on? Pretty sweet.

Will you be reading the next issue of Gwenom VS Carnage? Let me know in the comments!!

X-Factor #6 – There’s A Garden Full Of Dead Bodies!

Wow. Welcome back to Comic Book Betch, nerds!

Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.

Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David BaldeĆ³n

LEGGO

As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.

Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.

I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.

Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!

Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.

It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”

Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!

So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”

Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.

Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .

Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.

Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:

Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!

Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.

Lorna: So I should hate her forever?

Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.

Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!

Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters

Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?

Northstar: No.

….

Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?

Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.

Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.

Daken: What if she dies again?

Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.

Daken: With pleasure.

Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!

Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.

Ya Bloody Dibble!

Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.

After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.

Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.

So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”

Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.

Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.

Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.

You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?

Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:

Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.

Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?

Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.

Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.

So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”

Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.

Why is her hair so long in this scene?

I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!

Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.

X-Men #16 : I’m Confused.

It’s X-Men #16 recap time! I’m sure you are all still on the edge of your seat’s from last month’s X-Men #15 recap, this one is a lot less intense! If you consider taking a really long time to pick your kid up from the playground intense.

Written by Jonathan Hickman

Cover Art by Leinil Francis Yu

Penciller Phil Noto

In the last issue Jean and Cyclops had to convince the Quiet Council of letting them pick up their son from the Otherworld. In the end the council said no you can’t and they were like whatever, bye.

It seems that the story was continued in another comic’s storyline, but it wasn’t Cable’s so I have no idea what happened between then and now, but I will tell you that Jean and Cyclops are now with their son Cable and Cable isn’t being a baby backed bitch anymore who doesn’t know how to kill bitches like what happened in Cable #6 when he started crying.

Apparently the two islands that the two mutant groups live on, Arrako and where our heroes live, Krakoa, are divorced, but the islands are thinking about getting back together and becoming one land like they used to be, OKKKUUURRAAA

All Hail Bardi Cardi

So what needs to happen is these two islands need to fall in love again so that they can combine, but nobody really knows how to make that happen so they’re just trying to figure that shit out at this point.

Does this hood make me look stupid? NM don’t answer that.

Meanwhile, Cypher, a mutant who is merged with Krakoa and acts as his translator, decides to meet with the other island in the middle of the water, and they would just be big trees having a talk about how to split the kids up.

You look…nice. New trimmings?

It does not go well. Cypher returns to the Quiet Council letting them know that the trees are still not into each other therefore the islands ain’t gonna merge. He says it’s because the mutants on Arakko are weirdos and speak a different language and there are also twice as many mutants on that island than this one. They are more barbaric I think is where he is going with this but we shall see.

WHO SAID THAT!? DID THAT EMPTY CHAIR SAY THAT?! IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING VOICES?!

Later on Arakko, a woman representative of Arakko, who is wearing a cooler suit than even Iron Man has ever debuted and wearing the colors no less, has a discussion with Magneto and Charles. Their conversation goes like this:

Gold Chick: Your man-child friend, the one who is married to that bad bitch from my island, Bei, he said we’re going to remain two islands.

Charles: Yeah. That is Cypher. The man-child you speak of.

Gold Chick: I don’t care. What’s that in your hand?

Magneto: This is a flower for you. So that you can come and go to each island as you please.

Gold Chick: Flower? I can tell right now you two are bitch boys. Tell me what you got going on over there on Krakoa.

Magneto: We have a quiet council.

Gold Chick: It’s a child’s society. We have been around for thousands of years what the hell do you expect us to do with your play pretend circle of man-children?

Charles: We would like to work together and form some sort of working relationship.

Gold Chick: We are war bitches. We kill everyone. It’s a wonder I haven’t killed you now. And I didn’t mainly because when you got here I was killing something else. SO!

Charles: Can you still take our unity offer to your ruler?

Gold Chick: I will, but you’re still little bitches.

Magneto: Haha she called you-

Gold Chick: No! Both of you!

So, so she doesn’t want these flowers?

SO THAT WENT WELL.

Charles thinks that they need to prepare in case the Arakko come after them now so they need to fill some seats on the council. Magneto asks Jean and Cyclops to fill the empty council seats and they are like “Um, no.” And Magneto is all “wtf? Why not?” And they’re all “We want to lead the X-Men WAAH WAHHH WAHH”

Magneto: God you guys look stupid in those clothes. Do I look as dumb as you?

Charles asks them if he can talk them out of it and Jean and Cyclops say no. So Magneto says, so who is on your team? And they kind of look at each other like they each smelled a fart but are too polite to point it out for fear of embarrassing the culprit which Is obviously one of the two old geezers in the room. And then Magneto is like, “who is on your team idiots?” And they are like “Dunno. Since the X-Men is created to fight for the people we were thinking we would have the people choose.” Then Magneto is like, but people are famously dumb. You know who got elected to office in America in 2016? And Cyclops is like “we know, but we want to have a vote anyway.”

So there you have it folks. The first election on Krakoa. I can’t wait to see the campaigns these nerds come up with to make it on to the X-Men team.

This is my cool gang sign for the X-Men. You, like, you put your arms, like you cross them, but you poke your fists out and you go “UNGH” and it’s like an X, but it’s bad ass cause it’s your fists. Chyeah.

All jokes aside this seems like a fun and creative way for the writers to show some butt-kicking and heartfelt scenes exactly they way they want to show them. Total and complete creative control.

The Man With The Golden Arms Iron Man #4 Comic Book Recap.

I had to do it to ’em. Again.

If you haven’t read my Iron Man #3 comic book recap yet, like what are you doing with your life?

SMDH. So I suggest you read that recap ^^^ because I’m not doing a summation.

Written by Christopher Cantwell, and art by Cafu. We’ve got a good one tonight ladies. I’m just going to start calling you all ladies even though that’s inappropriate. But isn’t GUYS inappropriate too?! I’m changing the rules.

God I love this comic book. There is something so soothing about a man recognizing his own privilege and a bad bitch who is around to pretty much slam everything he once knew into the cold, hard, gritty ground. Hellcat is my hero.

So turns out that Hellcat survived that entire ordeal back at Kovacs place minus a huge lightning shaped burn on her face, (Harry-Potter lookin’ ass) but in retaliation Kovac decided to kidnap James Rhodes, so he’s now using Rhodey to lure Tony to him.

Hellcat and Tony have a conversation about this and it goes exactly like this:

Hellcat: Is this Kovac guy smarter than you?

Tony: He’s one of the Intellectual Masters of the Universe, so no.

Hellcat: Okay humble.

Tony: You seem upset. Is it because you have a huge ugly wound on your face?

Hellcat: Well I’m being hunted and this wound hurts like hell.

Tony: I’m sure we can call Reed Richards so it doesn’t scar?

Hellcat: Do you seriously think I’m worried about my looks right now when my life is in danger? You fucking, bitch.

Tony: I’m just saying, it doesn’t look bad!

Hellcat: -_-

Guess what? I’m still hot. Like that wolf-girl from Twilight: New Moon.

Anyways, then Hell Cat is like I’ve been hearing voices in my head, no she doesn’t say that. She should say it, but she doesn’t. Instead she says she feels fuzzy. Aw, cute.

Apparently, Kovac is a former cosmic entity turned android-with-lightning-powers.

So they’re arguing a bunch and it’s a lot of panels that look like this,

And Also I’m hearing voices in my head. Shut up! I didn’t say that! Nooo, you’re crazy!

Then of course arguing leads to banging! Sure, I’ll buy that.

I told you the wound didn’t look THAT bad. Would I sleep with a girl I thought was ugly? Maybe. But this time, no.

Meanwhile back at the villains den, they’re trying to mind-control Rhodey but he’s too freaking zen.

Kovac reveals his plan and that is to transfigure in the middle of New York City so that people can bare witness to his prophecy or some shit. But first he needs to tie up some loose ends including Hellcat and Iron Man.

Speaking of our heroes, now that they have gotten their sleeping together scene out of the way they’re having some nice pillow talk.

Tony is talking into the ether as men are want to do, and he notices that Hellcat isn’t paying attention. She reveals that she can hear Kovac in her head. Tony is like “are you sure?” Cause men never believe women. And she’s like “Yeah, mother fucker. It’s been happening since Oklahoma* (last issue) and since I was pathological before I know the difference. Ugh.”

So, now Kovac is ready to transform or whatever and his merry band of bandits are protecting his ass.

Psionic blast? That sounds fun!

All of his bandits are super scared that they’re going to kill their leader because they are essentially giving him the electric chair, and he kind of blasts out with this lightning energy and probably no one would survive that, but since he is a cosmic entity, you know, and it’s only issue #4, I assume he’s going to make it.

How can he speak with all that lightning coming out of this mouth?

Meanwhile, Tony and Patsy are on their way to Halcyon to get him to help them. Very undercover because they both are dressed like slobs. Anyways, Patsy gets a psionic nudge or something and she falls to the ground screaming. Drama.

Anything for attention.

So these two look into the sky and something crazy is happening, like this dude getting all powerful is happening, that’s what I meant. Yeah. Anyways, so luckily Hellcat can hear his head or whatever because she says they’re going to TAA II. And Tony is like “That’s Galactus’ ship.” And she’s like “yup, that’s what I said.”

Tony and Patsy find Halcyon and the convo goes like this.

Halcyon: I don’t race in the dark (I’m signing this BTW)

Tony: It’s me Iron Man, I need your help.

Halcyon: Nah.

Tony: Please? Just find these second-rate heroes that I can bring up into the main issues, because they’re probably going to get their own series on Disney+ or like enter the MCU and people need to know about them now and I’m the only star who can make this happen.

Halcyon: I’m a math major at Columbia.

Hellcat: *Suddenly engulfed in lightning and floating above everyone* Don’t try to stop me, Stark! (this is Kovac, btw, not Hellcat. wink)

Tony: Yeah, obviously. Is she really mansplaining to me now?

Halcyon: That’s a man talking through her body.

Tony: Oh, right.

So then Patsy destroys a car by them and Tony is like “Hey stop that!”

Meanwhile, Halcyon is coming up with a plan while Hellcat destroys shit and Tony yells from the ground to stop. He hits a fire hydrant with a chrome rim that might have bursted out from that car she just destroyed, anyways, that blast of water knocks her down and Tony is so impressed he asks Halcyon to join the team!! HOW INCLUSIVE!

Wow, a guy who never gets nervous as a super power? I honestly want that power. How helpful in just your normal day to day life? Damn.

TO BE CONTINUED BUM BUM BUHHH!!!

What did you think of this issue? More importantly what did you think of this recap? Are we impressed with Tony’s journey? Who do you think will be recruited for Tony’s second-string league of heroes!???

Kelly Thompson is a Monster. Black Widow #4 Comic Book Recap

Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!

Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!

It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!

Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.

ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”

Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?

So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.

They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.

Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?

Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”

Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.

She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.

More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.

Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.

Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”

And they’re conversation goes like this:

Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.

James: Uh, what?

Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.

James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!

Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.

Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.

“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?

Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.

James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.

Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.

James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.

Nat: And you have to take the kid.

James: Ummm-

*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*

Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.

Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!

So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.

Nothing could go wrong at nap time!

Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.

What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!

Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!

I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?

Mama’s Boy: X-Men #15 Comic Book Recap. Surprise guest: Daenerys and Drogon!

Remember when I recapped Cable? Well, we’re still in that universe for X-Men #15. Cable is a teenager and the X-Men live on Krakoa.

This one is written by Jonathan Hickman, Art by Mahmud Asrar, and Cover Art by Sonny Gho.

What a nice name Sonny is. Very nice.

Moving on, Cable has been taken and now his mommy and daddy are coming to save him! Aww. Before they jump into action to save their captured son, they decide to pontificate for a while on a random hill.

Can you hurry it up, Scott? Our kid could be dead.

Apparently it’s been over an hour since Nathan AKA Cable screamed out to his parents to save him, but they need to make one more pit stop before they go save him.

You think it’s cool to have the head of the X-Men and the most powerful mutant as your father and mother, respectively, but it turns out they’re just as awful as regular parents who forget to pick you up from pre-school so you have to stay through for the PM class, but on the plus side you get two lunches that day, and you never have to go back because now your parents are ashamed and afraid that they’re going to be reported to child services. Oh, wait was that just me?

I digress, anyways, so they show up to this round table of people who decide things because Krakoa is more important than their son. Cool, cool.

Our son still as one eye and arm left. He should be fine.

Meanwhile in the Otherworld Starlight Citadel, Khaleesi mother of dragons has pit husband and wife against each other in a fight to the death. Good to see she’s doing well after her death in Game of Thrones.

Glad to see Drogon is doing well.

So those ^^ two chat, and Apocalypse (the big guy) asks his wife to take off her mask, and she’s like “we’re in a pandemic” And he’s like -_-. So she’s like “fine” and she takes her mask off and they fight to the death.

Then we’re back to Jean and Scott who are telling this round table that Cable is in serious danger, cause he reached out psychically from Otherworld and it is nearly impossible to do so, but he’s in grave danger so, he was able to reach out from that far, because he is inches from death. But they’re also sure he can last a few more days if not hours.

The round table is like, “geeze your kid is dying that sucks…for you.”

Jean: Krakoa is also in danger.

Round Table: Why the fuck didn’t you lead with that?

So Cyclops tells the round table their plan which is to take a strike team to the Otherworld to get the people who were stolen back. And once the people are home they will close the gates for good so no one can attack them and they’ll be closed off from the world…s forever! Yay! Island quarantine!

Island quarantining is so hot right now.

So, the round table is like “that plan is dumb.”

Then Nightcrawler is like “count me in!”

Then the round table is like “no, you’re not going dummy. We’re a government and we can’t be doing shit all willy-nilly.”

Then Emma Frost talks to Cyclops in his head and she calls him “love” what a home-wrecking hoe. Or is Jean the home wrecker at this point? I can’t figure out these timelines anymore. SO I wonder since they had a psychic conversation not out loud to the panel, didn’t Jean hear? She’s psychic, amiright?

Then the circle decides that they’re just going to close the gates and save their own asses, and Cyclops is all “Well you’re the government of Krakoa, But The X-Men are the heroes!”

We couldn’t have gotten to this conclusion quicker? Your son is DYING!

So, they finally go pick up Cable from pre-school, er- I mean, from certain doom.

Cyclops is like : Jean, you ready.

Jean: Fucking duh. I’ve been trying to get you to stop talking for the last fucking hour.

It’s only my fucking son who is out there dying while you talk about nonsense.

So this whole time Scott has been talking, Khaleesi has Apocalypse fighting to the death against his wife, and we’re back to them and the wife is like “yield, you fool!” Then he stabs his wife. Probably because he is 300lbs and she is 87lbs, Didn’t seem like a fair fight to me, considering he is also an asshole. She’s bleeding out on the floor and Khaleesi is like “kill her, dude.” And Apocalypse is like “no, that’s my wife. It’s only cool to maim her, not kill her completely.”

But then uh-oh what’s this the wife puts her mask back on, and she’s back in the fight.

When you wear a mask, the life you save just may be your own.

Ah, so this whole issue was just a PSA to wear your damn masks!