Spider-Girls #1 comic book recap

OOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I picked up a Marvel comic book!

And once I cracked it open, I realized I had no idea what was going on in it because it apparently takes place after a series I am currently not reading, Spider-Geddon #2. SO if you are reading the Spider-Geddon you already know more than me about these Spider-Girls. But I don’t care and I shall plow through this comic book recap with the confidence of a white man.

This comic book is written by Jody Houser. The cover artist is Yasmine Putri…there may be variant cover, but this is the one I got!

Anyways the “Spider-Girls” in this comic book are as follows: May “Mayday” Parker AKA Spider-Woman Earth-982, Anya Corazon (Spider-Girl) and Annie May Parker (Spiderling). Their names are all so similar it is annoying but we will power through! …..With the confidence of white men.

It is briefly explained to us that May and Anya are working on a way to defeat these Spider-eating beings called “Inheritors.” IDK. Apparently it’s a thing. And all these different earths and realities and universes really confuse me, too. Anyways, the two Spider-Girls are lyke “we have to travel to this Earth-Universe-Reality thing that hasn’t been attacked by the Inheritors and find out why.

Which leads us to Annie’s reality. Where she and her father, Spider-Man and her mother, Mary-Jane all fight crime together. Annie has this interesting spider power where she has an extra special spider-sense that allows her to see visions.

Annie, MJ, and Peter are swinging around the city fighting a gang of Vulture kids. They easily take them out and Annie is like monologuing this whole time about how she has a “suped-up spider-sense and she’s been a hero practically her whole life. Um brag much?

1DB1760C-951E-43BA-8288-FB26819EE320
Why does she wear a purse?

Then Peter makes a terrible Wolverine-based “joke”- and I say “joke” because it wasn’t funny, but for some reason it is later referred to as a joke so that is why it needs the quotes.

Anyways after the “joke” Annie blacks out for a second and nearly falls to her death. Luckily her dad is able to scoop her up. They head home to figure out what is making Annie blackout.

E59086DB-CF3B-4EDD-AFDE-D68A43D1A696
You should write for shouts and murmurs

Anya and May show up in Earth-18119 and Anya immediately remarks that they beat the Inheritors here so that is good. And also that the Spider or Spiders on this Earth, have a deep connection to the “Web of Life.”

The Spider-Girls are having a time enjoying New York City and taking it all in before it is inevitably destroyed like every other NYC the Inheritors have been through. While they’re checking the place out they see a giant image of the family of spiders. And then Anya makes some weird ass comment.

Anya: A whole family of spiders? But that doesn’t look like you! Mayday, are you okay?

And May day is like “yeah I’m totallyyy fine.” But she lyke, is not fine.

BACK AT THE HOME OF THE SPIDERS

Annie’s parents are concerned about her blackouts. And she’s being a defiant little snob. She must be a teenager because she is annoying. Her parents are like “take a break from the superhero routine.” And she’s all “no way, I had a vision that something bad is coming and I need to protect people.” Vomit.

C0F97F27-451A-402D-AA7D-1092758E70EA
bad news ur dad is a creep

Also why the heck does Peter Parker have a teenage daughter and still look 18?

Allofasudden she has another vision and she tells her parents to suit up because some shit is going down.

Next scene Anya and May are taking down more vultures. They knock them out and keep swinging, when May falls out of the sky, similarly to how Annie fell out earlier. She falls on a roof so she’s fine, but then this huge Vulture man pops up.

63A197F2-92E0-4B0A-8F74-B61257062E7B
You aint squashed a damn thing, vulture and you know it!

But before they can fight him, the Spider family shows up to save the day. They immediately decide to team up and they beat the shit out of everybody.

0650A8AB-D9DD-41A2-A948-301FBEB1CB13
THWIP! THWAP! THWOP!

After the fight they do introductions and MJ nearly starts crying when she finds out May’s name. Because I guess that her first born died and her name was Mayday Parker. So…WEIRD.

They all head back to the Spider family’s home and Anya and May let them know about the Inheritors.

Anya takes out these spider scrolls she has been carrying around like a yoga mat all day long and Annie is like “This shit is fucking with my visions, hoe.”

And they’re all “Visions? Whhaaa?”

And Annie is like “omg pay attention.”

May is like “Well this means this is the hoe we lookin for because she has a connection to the scrolls.”

Annie is like “I ain’t a hoe.”

Then Mary Jane hides in a  corner and cries and Annie is like “what’s wrong mom, is it weird that your dead alternate daughter is alive and here in your house?”

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG, ANNIE!

Then immediately, Peter and MJ decide to join the Inheritor war in the alternate dimensions, meanwhile they’re just gonna leave their teenage daughter alone in this reality with these two strangers they literally met an hour before and try to figure out some fucking “mystical scrolls!” What sort of parents are these???

A54B5BBE-52BF-4700-8954-041488EC514E
someone call social services

What did ya’ll think of Spider-Girls #1?

I thought it was cute. It seems like it’s going to be a nice, fun read which will be a nice break from the dramatic shit I am currently watching and reading now. Like The Haunting of Hill House. OMFG. That show is the spookiest thing I’ve seen all year. But now I have a nice little comic book to chill me out after screaming for an hour every episode, so that is nice.

 

Deadpool Assassin #1 Recap

We all know Deadpool. Merc with a mouth. We all love him. And if you don’t you can get the fuck off this blog right now.

This issue is the #1 issue in a series of 6. I think. Which is great because I like these shorter stories that have proper endings n shit. SAGA WILL NEVER END THO THANK GOD!

So Deadpool is back to his roots basically of fighting for whoever has the biggest paycheck for him. His roots to me are his team up with Cable though. That was the first series I read where I fell completely in love with him. UGH it was sooo funny. True Masterpiece. All around great work. SPEAKING OF GREAT WORK. THIS PIECE OF SHIT WAS WRITTEN BY CULLEN BUNN AND THE MASTERFUL ART WAS CREATED BY MARK BAGLEY. BOOM.

###

Anyways out story begins with a group of soldiers or something on a plane about to make a drop or do something crazy in Bagalia and they’re reminiscing over the crazy times they had in Colombia. I wonder if they ran into Hit-Girl? Probs not because they would all be dead.

We don’t see Deadpool at first in the plane, but we do see his yellow caption bubbles.

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 12.40.03 PM
Vapors means hysteria btw. I looked it up. 

Cause he crazy. Remember when he had three personalities? What was that about?

Everyone is chatting and two men decide to talk shit about Deadpool right in front of him saying they don’t like him. Deadpool kinda looks at that ginger kid and assumes they’re talking about him. Which, he does have red hair so its possible.

Now Deadpool’s vapors have made him decide to murder everyone on the plane. Which can’t be the plan can it? The boss wanted Deadpool on the plane and all but why charter a whole plane in the sky and arm these dudes to the T and then place one mercenary on the plane to kill them all? Like if you’re gonna go through the trouble of getting a plane that you know is going to be destroyed and you’re totally fine with that, then just put a bomb on there or something.

ANYWAYS.

Deadpool stabs everyone while they shoot at him, which I don’t think gunshots are healthy for planes.

IMG_0408

Deadpool waxes poetically about how the gunfire is unnecessary, like not only is it damaging the plane, they don’t just pass through his body. Some of them get lodged. And he doesn’t have enough fiber in his diet to get them through.

Then he goes on to shoot the pilots despite the fact that he does not know how to pilot a plane. It turns out all of this happened because of something that came about a few days ago. When he met Weasel in a supermarket.

Wade/Deadpool is concerned that someone is out to get Weasel because the Weese is being a bit jumpier than usual. Then Wade nonchalantly mentions that when he retires he plans on continuing to make scenes in public places.

Weasel is like “you’re never quitting, just like I’m not. It’s in our blood,”

So Weasel gives him the job. Apparently, some scary monster that used to be a part of the HAND broke out from the hand and now he’s built his own army of ninjas. But everyone hates him because he broke free from the HAND and you can’t do that without dying. Like the Crips and Bloods or whatever. Crime lyfe is crazy.

Then Weese shows him the picture of the guy who was on the plane, Samson “Scars” Green. He runs his own mercenary “outfit” with soldiers from various bs outlets like Hydra and SHIELD.

Weasel is like which one do you want to murder because we can make a lot of money taking either one of them down.

That brings us back to doe. I mean the plane. He’s standing over the dead bodies of the dumb ass mercenaries, as his plane crashes down into the territory of the HAND runaway monster guy.

SO THEN The HAND guy is like “shoot it down” to his minions, and they make the plane explode, but it was all a part of the plan. Deadpool strapped all the dead bodies into these flying devices and attacks all the shojen soldiers or whatever the fuck they call themselves.

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 1.41.52 PM

Deadpool straps himself in too, but he’s still alive.

But he lyke broke his sword. 😦

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 1.43.29 PM.png
Told ya

 

He beats up these bald buddah wannabes and gets kinda upset because there are no ninjas.

Luckily if you think it they will come. So all these ninjas show up and he beats them all up!

 

IMG_0412
Wishes do come true.

From this scene we’re in Wade Wilson’s apartment and lil Weezy is there. With a name tag on that says “Jack” that sounds about right. The timeline is after the grocery store and before the plane. V CONFUSING.

Weseal shows Deadpool his new set of weapons and they’re pretty nice but you can be the judge.

 

IMG_0409
lil deadpool grenades! SO CUTEE!!

Weasel warns Deadpool that doing two jobs at once is a little much, but whatever. Then Deadpool is like “erm I told you I want to retire and put down roots somewhere. I need the money to get out of this apartment and buy an island. I WANNA GROW UP! I don’t get the same thrills from killing anymore. I wanna have babies and get married. REAL THRILLS.”

Just then Weasel takes a mysterious phone call from a stranger who is demanding a dozen of something. The convo is mad awkward and is reminiscent of when a friend of yours answers the phone call of their significant other whom they have not told you about yet. IN FACT, ITS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

BACK TO NINJA KILLING.

Deadpool kills all the ninjas despite the fact that they all have iron fists. Spoiler. He throws his baby deadpool grenades at them and they explode and their body parts fly everywhere!

Deadpool catches one iron and fist and says hrm.

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 2.00.04 PM.png
I WANT ONE TOO!

Deadpool comes face to face with the Monster man who has tentacles btw. Weird. Anyways their convo is like this.

Monster: You look like you’re about to keel over and die.

DP: Probs.

Monster: You think you’re gonna win?

DP: No. I just assumed you would see what I did to your whole crew of ninjas and baby Buddhas and just run away?

Monster: *Sticks tentacles into Deadpool’s stomach*

The monster brings Deadpool close to him and looks him in the eye as he has his tentacles piercing through him and Deadpool is all, “bad idea.”

Cause you know he has a glowing iron fist, So he punches the monster with it and lyke this happens.

 

 

 

 

 

IMG_0411
Into it.

Deadpool punches this guy and passes out after calling himself the Immoral Deadpoolfist, sworn defender of Pepe’s taco house, eater of multiple nacho baskets. etc, etc.

After he passes out from using that much power, we’re in a new scene where he’s riding in Weasel’s car. Wade/ DP scrounges around Weseal’s glove box and pulls out an ultra ugly gold wedding band. I don’t get it why do people get those? Anyways, Wade is like wtf you’re married am I the other woman?? And Weasel is like Clarice, my wife, doesn’t know about any of this. But I can’t give it up because being normal sucks. Then Wade is like you’ve got a good thing going, don’t fuck it up by staying in this merc business.

A few days later he’s on his couch texting weasel looking for jobs. But he never responds.

TO BE CONTINUED.

What did you guys think about this issue? I was unimpressed. The quips were okay, but all in all I think everything could have been better. It just seems a little surface level. Deadpool can be so much fun and this fell flat. I am unimpressed.