King in Black: Gwenom VS Carnage #1 Comic book recap – I wish these dragons didn’t eat my friends.

Written by Sean McGuire

Art by Flaviano

Colorist: Rico Renzi

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch.

This Gwenom VS Carnage #1 is out now! I have high hopes for this run so let’s dive in shall we?

Gwenom AKA Ghost Spider, Peter Parker’s ex-girlfriend, and girl covered in living spiders, is going to college on a different dimension after getting run out of her dimension by evil Storm siblings. This we already know. She’s in college at Empire State University. She has three roommates that she loves very much, and the entire city is covered in Venom goo! Oh no!

She’s having some trouble rounding up these black gooey symbiotes because her Spidey senses don’t work on it.

She is literally Spider-Man.

Ghost Spider tries to save this guy from the symbiote goo. And of course the goo got him and turned him into a monster. So she heads back to her dorm to protect her roommates. But who follows her there?

None other than the dragon goo monsters!

Unfortunately, she cannot save them in time and they all turn into goo pods.

I never knew symbiotes were dragons. COOOOLLL

Then Ghost Spider is a total fucking bad ass, webs herself up some boots and rides that goo dragon like fucking Khaleesi.

I love bad bitches. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.

Then she says she needs to find out what’s going on, so she needs Peter or Miles’ help? Why the fuck do you need a man’s help, bitch? You can solve this shit on your own. I blame the writer. Why even bring that up? We don’t need that line. Throw it out, burn it, bury it the in backyard. Mourn tomorrow because today Ghost Spider is lighting up this shit.

So as she’s crying about needing a man’s help, she decides she’s going to use her necklace to teleport back to her dimension because obviously the world is over here. Unfortunately something is fucked up with the transporter and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.

Looks like some goo got her.

Back in Earth-65 however, Mary Jane is being used as a torture victim for the Jackal, who is upset that Gwen Stacey is gone so he’s gotta use this bitch as his second choice. Just like Peter!

Too soon?

He tries to douse her in the same spiders that Gwen uses to make her Ghost Spider suit. Because with his logic, the spiders are bonded to Gwen and Gwen is bonded to Mary-Jane, sooo, a friend of my friend is also my friend?

Mary Jane screams out for her friend, Gwen. And somehow they are bonded together and Mary-Jane is forced into the Earth-616 time zone.

“Hmmm…did you guys have any other friends? No? Oh. Damn.”

So Mary-Jane in Earth-616 gets there by basically splitting Gwen in half, however Gwen is fine after she births the 20-something full grown woman from her chest.

Gwen was midway in the air while MJ came careening out of her chest so now she is falling from the sky and Gwen is just in time to save her life.

Unfortunately they fall into a pile of goo and MJ is immediately corrupted.

Knull the God of the Symbiotes is creepily watching all of this happen, hence the red in the last panel. I guess he sees everything in red? So how does he notice red flags amiright? He probably doesn’t date much amiright? Okay, I’m done.

So Knull feels MJ and merges with her. Yuck. So now he has taken over Mary-Jane’s symbiote body and she has become Carnage. HENCE THE NAME OF THE COMIC.

Wait, why do you get to be Carnage???” “Because I have red hair, duh. Geeze Gwen you’re so dumb.”

We’re off to the races now aren’t we boys! And did you notice that nice new Symbiote suit Gwen’s got on? Pretty sweet.

Will you be reading the next issue of Gwenom VS Carnage? Let me know in the comments!!

X-Factor #6 – There’s A Garden Full Of Dead Bodies!

Wow. Welcome back to Comic Book Betch, nerds!

Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.

Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David Baldeón

LEGGO

As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.

Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.

I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.

Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!

Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.

It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”

Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!

So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”

Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.

Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .

Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.

Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:

Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!

Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.

Lorna: So I should hate her forever?

Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.

Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!

Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters

Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?

Northstar: No.

….

Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?

Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.

Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.

Daken: What if she dies again?

Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.

Daken: With pleasure.

Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!

Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.

Ya Bloody Dibble!

Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.

After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.

Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.

So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”

Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.

Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.

Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.

You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?

Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:

Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.

Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?

Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.

Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.

So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”

Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.

Why is her hair so long in this scene?

I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!

Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.

The Man With The Golden Arms Iron Man #4 Comic Book Recap.

I had to do it to ’em. Again.

If you haven’t read my Iron Man #3 comic book recap yet, like what are you doing with your life?

SMDH. So I suggest you read that recap ^^^ because I’m not doing a summation.

Written by Christopher Cantwell, and art by Cafu. We’ve got a good one tonight ladies. I’m just going to start calling you all ladies even though that’s inappropriate. But isn’t GUYS inappropriate too?! I’m changing the rules.

God I love this comic book. There is something so soothing about a man recognizing his own privilege and a bad bitch who is around to pretty much slam everything he once knew into the cold, hard, gritty ground. Hellcat is my hero.

So turns out that Hellcat survived that entire ordeal back at Kovacs place minus a huge lightning shaped burn on her face, (Harry-Potter lookin’ ass) but in retaliation Kovac decided to kidnap James Rhodes, so he’s now using Rhodey to lure Tony to him.

Hellcat and Tony have a conversation about this and it goes exactly like this:

Hellcat: Is this Kovac guy smarter than you?

Tony: He’s one of the Intellectual Masters of the Universe, so no.

Hellcat: Okay humble.

Tony: You seem upset. Is it because you have a huge ugly wound on your face?

Hellcat: Well I’m being hunted and this wound hurts like hell.

Tony: I’m sure we can call Reed Richards so it doesn’t scar?

Hellcat: Do you seriously think I’m worried about my looks right now when my life is in danger? You fucking, bitch.

Tony: I’m just saying, it doesn’t look bad!

Hellcat: -_-

Guess what? I’m still hot. Like that wolf-girl from Twilight: New Moon.

Anyways, then Hell Cat is like I’ve been hearing voices in my head, no she doesn’t say that. She should say it, but she doesn’t. Instead she says she feels fuzzy. Aw, cute.

Apparently, Kovac is a former cosmic entity turned android-with-lightning-powers.

So they’re arguing a bunch and it’s a lot of panels that look like this,

And Also I’m hearing voices in my head. Shut up! I didn’t say that! Nooo, you’re crazy!

Then of course arguing leads to banging! Sure, I’ll buy that.

I told you the wound didn’t look THAT bad. Would I sleep with a girl I thought was ugly? Maybe. But this time, no.

Meanwhile back at the villains den, they’re trying to mind-control Rhodey but he’s too freaking zen.

Kovac reveals his plan and that is to transfigure in the middle of New York City so that people can bare witness to his prophecy or some shit. But first he needs to tie up some loose ends including Hellcat and Iron Man.

Speaking of our heroes, now that they have gotten their sleeping together scene out of the way they’re having some nice pillow talk.

Tony is talking into the ether as men are want to do, and he notices that Hellcat isn’t paying attention. She reveals that she can hear Kovac in her head. Tony is like “are you sure?” Cause men never believe women. And she’s like “Yeah, mother fucker. It’s been happening since Oklahoma* (last issue) and since I was pathological before I know the difference. Ugh.”

So, now Kovac is ready to transform or whatever and his merry band of bandits are protecting his ass.

Psionic blast? That sounds fun!

All of his bandits are super scared that they’re going to kill their leader because they are essentially giving him the electric chair, and he kind of blasts out with this lightning energy and probably no one would survive that, but since he is a cosmic entity, you know, and it’s only issue #4, I assume he’s going to make it.

How can he speak with all that lightning coming out of this mouth?

Meanwhile, Tony and Patsy are on their way to Halcyon to get him to help them. Very undercover because they both are dressed like slobs. Anyways, Patsy gets a psionic nudge or something and she falls to the ground screaming. Drama.

Anything for attention.

So these two look into the sky and something crazy is happening, like this dude getting all powerful is happening, that’s what I meant. Yeah. Anyways, so luckily Hellcat can hear his head or whatever because she says they’re going to TAA II. And Tony is like “That’s Galactus’ ship.” And she’s like “yup, that’s what I said.”

Tony and Patsy find Halcyon and the convo goes like this.

Halcyon: I don’t race in the dark (I’m signing this BTW)

Tony: It’s me Iron Man, I need your help.

Halcyon: Nah.

Tony: Please? Just find these second-rate heroes that I can bring up into the main issues, because they’re probably going to get their own series on Disney+ or like enter the MCU and people need to know about them now and I’m the only star who can make this happen.

Halcyon: I’m a math major at Columbia.

Hellcat: *Suddenly engulfed in lightning and floating above everyone* Don’t try to stop me, Stark! (this is Kovac, btw, not Hellcat. wink)

Tony: Yeah, obviously. Is she really mansplaining to me now?

Halcyon: That’s a man talking through her body.

Tony: Oh, right.

So then Patsy destroys a car by them and Tony is like “Hey stop that!”

Meanwhile, Halcyon is coming up with a plan while Hellcat destroys shit and Tony yells from the ground to stop. He hits a fire hydrant with a chrome rim that might have bursted out from that car she just destroyed, anyways, that blast of water knocks her down and Tony is so impressed he asks Halcyon to join the team!! HOW INCLUSIVE!

Wow, a guy who never gets nervous as a super power? I honestly want that power. How helpful in just your normal day to day life? Damn.

TO BE CONTINUED BUM BUM BUHHH!!!

What did you think of this issue? More importantly what did you think of this recap? Are we impressed with Tony’s journey? Who do you think will be recruited for Tony’s second-string league of heroes!???

Kelly Thompson is a Monster. Black Widow #4 Comic Book Recap

Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!

Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!

It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!

Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.

ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”

Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?

So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.

They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.

Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?

Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”

Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.

She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.

More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.

Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.

Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”

And they’re conversation goes like this:

Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.

James: Uh, what?

Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.

James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!

Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.

Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.

“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?

Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.

James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.

Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.

James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.

Nat: And you have to take the kid.

James: Ummm-

*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*

Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.

Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!

So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.

Nothing could go wrong at nap time!

Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.

What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!

Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!

I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?

Mama’s Boy: X-Men #15 Comic Book Recap. Surprise guest: Daenerys and Drogon!

Remember when I recapped Cable? Well, we’re still in that universe for X-Men #15. Cable is a teenager and the X-Men live on Krakoa.

This one is written by Jonathan Hickman, Art by Mahmud Asrar, and Cover Art by Sonny Gho.

What a nice name Sonny is. Very nice.

Moving on, Cable has been taken and now his mommy and daddy are coming to save him! Aww. Before they jump into action to save their captured son, they decide to pontificate for a while on a random hill.

Can you hurry it up, Scott? Our kid could be dead.

Apparently it’s been over an hour since Nathan AKA Cable screamed out to his parents to save him, but they need to make one more pit stop before they go save him.

You think it’s cool to have the head of the X-Men and the most powerful mutant as your father and mother, respectively, but it turns out they’re just as awful as regular parents who forget to pick you up from pre-school so you have to stay through for the PM class, but on the plus side you get two lunches that day, and you never have to go back because now your parents are ashamed and afraid that they’re going to be reported to child services. Oh, wait was that just me?

I digress, anyways, so they show up to this round table of people who decide things because Krakoa is more important than their son. Cool, cool.

Our son still as one eye and arm left. He should be fine.

Meanwhile in the Otherworld Starlight Citadel, Khaleesi mother of dragons has pit husband and wife against each other in a fight to the death. Good to see she’s doing well after her death in Game of Thrones.

Glad to see Drogon is doing well.

So those ^^ two chat, and Apocalypse (the big guy) asks his wife to take off her mask, and she’s like “we’re in a pandemic” And he’s like -_-. So she’s like “fine” and she takes her mask off and they fight to the death.

Then we’re back to Jean and Scott who are telling this round table that Cable is in serious danger, cause he reached out psychically from Otherworld and it is nearly impossible to do so, but he’s in grave danger so, he was able to reach out from that far, because he is inches from death. But they’re also sure he can last a few more days if not hours.

The round table is like, “geeze your kid is dying that sucks…for you.”

Jean: Krakoa is also in danger.

Round Table: Why the fuck didn’t you lead with that?

So Cyclops tells the round table their plan which is to take a strike team to the Otherworld to get the people who were stolen back. And once the people are home they will close the gates for good so no one can attack them and they’ll be closed off from the world…s forever! Yay! Island quarantine!

Island quarantining is so hot right now.

So, the round table is like “that plan is dumb.”

Then Nightcrawler is like “count me in!”

Then the round table is like “no, you’re not going dummy. We’re a government and we can’t be doing shit all willy-nilly.”

Then Emma Frost talks to Cyclops in his head and she calls him “love” what a home-wrecking hoe. Or is Jean the home wrecker at this point? I can’t figure out these timelines anymore. SO I wonder since they had a psychic conversation not out loud to the panel, didn’t Jean hear? She’s psychic, amiright?

Then the circle decides that they’re just going to close the gates and save their own asses, and Cyclops is all “Well you’re the government of Krakoa, But The X-Men are the heroes!”

We couldn’t have gotten to this conclusion quicker? Your son is DYING!

So, they finally go pick up Cable from pre-school, er- I mean, from certain doom.

Cyclops is like : Jean, you ready.

Jean: Fucking duh. I’ve been trying to get you to stop talking for the last fucking hour.

It’s only my fucking son who is out there dying while you talk about nonsense.

So this whole time Scott has been talking, Khaleesi has Apocalypse fighting to the death against his wife, and we’re back to them and the wife is like “yield, you fool!” Then he stabs his wife. Probably because he is 300lbs and she is 87lbs, Didn’t seem like a fair fight to me, considering he is also an asshole. She’s bleeding out on the floor and Khaleesi is like “kill her, dude.” And Apocalypse is like “no, that’s my wife. It’s only cool to maim her, not kill her completely.”

But then uh-oh what’s this the wife puts her mask back on, and she’s back in the fight.

When you wear a mask, the life you save just may be your own.

Ah, so this whole issue was just a PSA to wear your damn masks!

Old Bitches Be Lying’ – Rorschach #2 Comic Book Recap

Welcome, welcome! I’m the Comic Book Betch, and today I am bringing to you the story of Rorschach AD.

If you didn’t read issue #1 and #2 then spoilers ahead!

Rorschach is a new series out by DC Black Label. Written by Tom King, art by Jorge Fornés, and the variant cover was created by Peach Momoko, which is the greatest name in the history of names.

In the first issue, two would-be assassins, a 19 year old named Laura and MAYBE the original Rorschach are at a rally for the New President, but before they get the chance to kill him they get shot and killed. So now there is a detective on the case trying to find out who the would-be assassins, they find out Laura’s identity very quickly, but the detective is on the case to find out about the other guy. He decides that he is William Myerson, the writer of Pontius Pirate, which if you read Watchmen, that’s the comic being compared throughout the entire series. OR It’s Davey Jones. IDFK. Anyways Rorschach is Walter Kovacs from the comics, but turns out these two have matching prints. So idk what the hell is going on.

That was your recap. Now issue #2.

The detective is trying to figure out what links William and Laura to Rorschach and whatever. So he talks to a lot of people. A LOT. It’s pretty boring. Anyways he finds out that William was a recluse and he can’t pinpoint how he would have hooked up with Laura.

Ah yes, the old sshfft noise.

Finally, he speaks to an old bitch named Alma, because she lives in William’s building and knew him because they went out on one date, once. Like 400 years prior.

It turns out that the date was awkward af and ended with Will on the elevator asking if he could kiss Alma at her door and she was like “nah.”

We stan a King who takes “no” for an answer.

And that could have been it, except she went on to marry some douche bag. She told that douche bag that she went out on one date with this nerd and the douche never left him alone about it. Fragile masculinity or what? You married the hoe, she went on one date and didn’t even kiss the guy, but because he’s a famous writer and you live in a one bedroom apartment that your wife owns makes you feel inferior so now you gotta pick on this fucking nerd for the rest of his life.

Annie Hall called she wants her sweater vest and oversized slacks back.

Then they show this weird scene where William took the name Alma Adler off of her mailbox and put it in his pocket. Creep.

Turns out the names were all replaced with numbers after that. Cool cool cool.

Then the detective finds this dumb comic that William wrote.

TTH.

The whole thing is trying way too hard to be smart. OR it went over my head because I’m not smart.

After reading this comic and talking to the security guard, he heads over to Alma’s apartment only to find a young man with moving boxes there. The man says that he switched apartments with Alma because her husband had the heart attack on this floor and she wanted to get out of the place because of that. The man doesn’t care because apparently this apartment is bigger than his. So they just switched. The guy also tells him about his one interaction with William and it was weird.

Grandpa hat sighting!

The detective goes detecting around the apartment and finds that the top lock is brand new never been used. OMG. So it was replaced! WOW. Detecting detecting.

Your hallway is dirty, clean that shit.

So the detective goes back to Alma and he starts going in on her. The conversation goes something like this.

Detective: Here’s a picture of Laura I think she was in your house with a guy wearing a Rorschach mask.

Alma : Abuhhh?

Detective: Yeah, so like I think they broke into your apartment and gave your husband a heart attack. They’re both dead now btw.

Alma: They’re dead? Well, damn I shouldn’t have given away my big, cozy ass apartment then.

Detective: Oh?

Alma: Crap.

Lyin’ ass hoe.

So that lyin’ ass hoe lied. I guess.

And that was it!

He figured it out!

The end!

I’d put money that this series either A) doesn’t get finished or B) is rushed for an ending because it is not good.

All in all, I did like this issue #2 better than issue #1, so maybe I will continue reading it. Like the Watchmen show on HBO it did get better and better after the first episode SO! Maybe Tom is going for a slow burn?

What did you guys think of this issue? Let me know in the comments below!

Iron Man Issue #3 Comic Book Recap : Lighting Strikes…MORE THAN ONCE!

WELCOME BACK!

This week I will be recapping the new Iron Man issue #3 that came out yesterday! Iron Man in 2020 not to be confused with Iron Man 2020 that came out in 2013.

Iron Man is written by Christopher Cantwell

Artist: CAFU

Cover: Alex Ross

Color Artist: Frank D’Amarta

Great job you guys. You did it! It’s a white man struggling with his privilege writing about another white man struggling with his privilege…and he’s in a clone body which is a WHOLE other level.

If you haven’t read issue #1 or #2, then I will recap that for you riiiiggghhhtttt meow.

Iron Man is in a clone body cause he almost died and also he’s having a mid-life crisis, he liquidated his company and put the billions of dollars he made back into the stock market causing people who aren’t billionaires to probably die of starvation because they can’t afford to feed their families anymore. Then he threw a party and invited Hell Cat, they leave the party to track down criminals and they decide to team up. Iron Man tries to get himself killed by his enemies twice and Hell Cat, a survivor of suicide herself, is like “don’t do that dummy.”

Also he invested in this guy who captured lightning. That will be important in this issue.

Let’s begin shall we?

We begin with Unicorn, an Iron Man foe, running into a field in Oklahoma and being struck by lightning. (SOUND FAMILIAR?)

Iron Man is struggling with who he is to the people and calls himself a Daemon and an Effigy, which means he thinks he’s somewhere on the God spectrum, cause he’s a white man and they have God complexes.

Hey kiddos, sorry for ruining your game of kickball! Wait, that’s not what the kids do these days! Where the fuck are your iPads?

Iron Man drops down into a school playground to get some much needed attention before being scolded by the teachers for “riling up” the kids. He takes off, feeling like he did nothing wrong and that those people are the ass holes. Classic white man syndrome.

Next scene, Iron Man finds his garage painted with the phrase made popular by social media, “Eat The Rich.” Then next to that garage is his mid-life crisis car MELTED by the MELTER. So Iron Man beats the shit out of him and leaves.

Why does the Melter wear Metal? Seems ill-advised.

After nearly killing The Melter, Iron Man orders a burger from a fast food place then boards a plane with Hellcat in coach. He’s really making an effort to “get down with the people.”

That’s why you don’t check a bag, n00b.

Hell Cat and Tony then get into a fight about suicide, and it’s dark. Then Hell Cat hits the snooze button on Tony and tells him to wake her up when they land because she’s sick of his privilege bull shit talk. Side Note: I’m actually pretty proud of the way Cantwell chose to write this series, he has Hell Cat as the voice of reason and she can check his ass back into place whenever he starts talking like a white guy ass hole.

Tony meets up with the lightning guy he invested in from the first issue. Did I mention that he was creepy and clearly a villain? Because you should know that, too. Anyways, they are at his “lightning farm” which reminds me of those solar-powered windmill farms in the midwest.

Ew, is that your house? Poor.

So anyways, this poor guy is like look at what your investment created! Within days we now have thousands of these lightning rods! DAYS! Can you believe it? It’s the Marvel Universe so I guess we believe everything.

Anyways they then have a chat and it goes like this

Poor Lightning Guy: Hey, where’s your hot friend? You know the one who dresses up like a Cat?

IM: Yeah, she’s pissed at me so we’re kind of taking a break from our friendship right now.

Poor: Cool, then I’m going to hurt you really badly because I know she’s not coming.

IM: Wait, Wut?

Dumb ass, stupid ass, trick ass, mother fucking, stupid ass bitch.

After Tony is rendered unconscious on the floor, the Poor guy’s friends show up, and it’s the SAME guys that Tony has battled in the last two issues. WUT???? Way to set up a storyline, you go boys!

Oh you wanna be a God? Sounds fucking familiar, right? Ugh you stupid ass white trick ass mother fucking men.

Luckily for Iron Man, his co-star Hell Cat has just burst onto the scene and run over all these loser with her really cool, and I imagine, rented jeep.

Don’t we all?

Cue: Really cool battle scene. Where they punch, choke, blast, and drop kick their enemies!

Oh No! The poor guy has lightning!

The lightning guy kills Iron Man and Hell Cat, then leaves without checking their pulses.

Or checking if one of them might have a suit with a defibrillator! What a dolt!

Cause guess what the fuck what? Hell Cat-oh, wait, no, Iron Man- HIS suit has the defibrillator! Can you believe?

Hell Cat is dead. Bye!

Wa-wait, you-you, you forgot, your d-d-dumb glasses! HA! Burn.

Batman: Three Jokers Issue #3 Comic Book Recap

I’m back betches. I’ve been reading this new Batman series by Geoff Johns, Jason Fabok, and Brad Anderson.

It’s about Batman and three jokers. Just like in the title. Three issues have come out so far and this one is the best one.

Batman has teamed up with Batgirl and his old Robin, Red Hood, or Jason. The most hated Robin of all time. In the first issue they discovered that there are three jokers parading around killing people and they need to find the real one. Red Hood shoots one of them and that makes Batman and Batgirl really mad because they are super weird for the law, and then in the second issue they discover that the remaining two jokers are creating tons of other jokers because the Jokers want to create the ULTIMATE JOKER. That’s what leads us here. OH and Batgirl totally kissed Red Hood last issue and then immediately regretted it and we find out why she regretted it in this issue.

So let’s recap shall we?

First off the trio are having a meeting which gets heated quickly, with Batman grabbing Jason and threateningly holding him. Like Batman, take a chill pill. A Xanax. A Xanax is a chill pill btw.

OH! JUST BECAUSE I MURDERED SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD I’M THE BAD GUY? WHATAMI? A COP??

After they scream dramatically at each other for a minute, Barbara is like, dudes wtf? Fragile masculinity amiright? So because she owns them both they both take a breath and Batman reminds them that they agreed to work together and Red Hood can’t go and shoot everybody all willy nilly. Like a cop. RIP BREONNA TAYLOR

The trio is like, well the jokers are trying to make a better joker. The ultimate joker, maybe if we knew who the real joker was, and his true identity this would be easier and Batman is like “er, righhttt. Anyways Jason I’m sorry I assumed you were dead and then left you for dead, but the writers asked the readers to call a number if they wanted you live and another number if they wanted you to die, and everyone wanted you to die, so the fact that you’re alive now means that the writers DID not listen to the audience.”

And Red Hood is like “Oh is it because I’m mad annoying? And was mad annoying? And still am really annoying?”

And Batman is like “yeah.”

Jason, are you-are you about to cry? Bitch.

Then Jason says “I think you know who the real joker is and you’re not telling us.”

And Batman is all “nuh-uh.”

Next scene, Batman goes to prison to visit Joe Chill. Joe Chill is the man who murdered Batman’s parents in front of him. Anyways he’s dying of cancer and has been moved to a hospital bed, but the Jokers took him from the hospital bed and brought him to a movie theater.

All of the bats and Red Hoods get to the theater and it’s raining. Spooky.

WHIPSHAW! CLOMP! SQUUEGY. (how imagine it sounds when all three of them landed)

They split up in the theater. Batman finds Joe Chill and a Joker immediately, meanwhile his two sidekicks are fighting jokers on the other levels.

I know I got junk in the trunk, but I don’t think I need this many bellhops.

Batman tries to save Joe Chill, but Joker is wearing a vest of dynamite, snooze. Get another prank will you? Anyways, he’s playing a video in the theater of Joe Chill explaining why he killed Bruce’s parents, and why he is sad about it and knows it was a mistake.

Batman is all, “Hey Joker, this is an old man dying of cancer why do you want to make him into a Joker?”

Joker: Because he means everything to you! And I want to mean everything to you!

Batman: Awe. That’s cute.

Batgirl: WTF?

Batman: Like, you know, in a stalkery way.

Batgirl: *raises eyebrows*

See? The Joker is just tired. He wants to retire, maybe to a beach somewhere. Yeah, a beach. That would be nice, eh Jokesy?

So there’s this bath of chemicals that creates Jokers, and This Joker wants to drop Joe Chill in it, and he even has him hanging from rope tied to a chair right above it, any second he can cut it and Joe will go tumbling in.

CUT TO: crazy fight scene

Batman knocks the lighter from Joker’s hands, Joker shoots at Batman, Batman kicks Joker in the stomach, Joker slits the rope and Joe goes tumbling towards the chemical bath, but aha Batman saves him!

DUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH JOE CHILL!

Outside of the theater, Joe apologizes to Batman, then Batman saves Joe’s life again when crumbling pieces of the roof threaten to crush him. The Joker shows up and then gets shot in the face and Batman is like “wha?” And it turns out it’s another Joker who shot him. Batman arrests this one and it’s over! Now Red Hood can awkwardly hit on Batgirl!

You can feel her eye roll through the page

The remaining Joker, The Comedian, explains everything, and I’m too lazy to write it so here’s the picture.

That has to be a chin implant, no?

This Joker says he knew how the whole thing would play out, Batman would save Joe Chill’s life knowing that he was sorry and he was the one in pain now, not Batman. That would heal Batman from his parents death and now his greatest pain would be the Joker. SUCH A CREEP!

Later Joe Chill dies, and Bruce holds his hand as he goes. HOW SWEET. Oh my gosh this is the love issue for sure.

Red Hood drives off to Alaska, but before he goes, he writes a note to Barbara AKA Batgirl. It goes something like this:

Dearest Barbara,

I’ve always admired you, for being hot and kicking people’s asses. I will totally give up being Red Hood to be with you, and we can have babies and I’ll be a stay-at-home dad and you can fight all the crime you want! This is not super desperate. I know we only kissed, for like one second but I totally got hard, and that’s why I think it was more. Even though you told me it wasn’t. I know it was and I’m also a man and can’t take no for an answer. You like me. You totally have to like me. Because I like you!

Love,

Red Hood.

Luckily the note falls off of her apartment door, because he wrote a damn note and not a long text or DM like everyone else would.

Next we get this cool intercut scene where Batman and Alfred talk meanwhile we get a glimpse at The Comedian Joker’s former life. Batman reveals that he knows the real identity of the Joker and he keeps it a secret to protect his family.

BUM BUM BUHHH!!

You knew this whole time, Bruce?! What the fuck! And you totally lied to your friends earlier when they were like “you know who he is don’t you” and you were all “nope.”

Damn. The shade.

But uh-oh, everyone’s least favorite Robin is up to his annoying ass tricks again. The same douchemobile Hummer we saw Red Hood driving in earlier, just pulled up to the Joker’s family’s house.

Damn, what a douche bag.

THAT’S THAT! How did you like this recap? Was it terrible, was it funny? Did you even make it this far into the review??? Let me know in the comments below!

X-Force #1

Yeah, X-Force #10 literally just came out, but here I am recapping the first issue from November 2019, because I AM BEHIND. It’s a pandemic, okay? And I also recently got into Dune. So that’s been a whole thing.

X-Force #1 is a new Diddy by Benjamin Percy and Johnathan Hickman.

So, like, let’s recap it shall we?

First there is this meeting of pureblood muggles who hate mutants and they want to discuss how to kill all the filthy mutants but first they need to take a blood test, because if someone inside the meeting has mutant blood they have to kill them.

So, this was back in November 2019 right? I HAVE to assume that’s where all the supplies for virus testing went and that’s why it took 6 months to get COVID-19 tests to America. WOW. The more you know.

Back to the scene, obviously there’s a mutant here, cause there is one bitch in this creepy ass masked crowd who is like heheheh, I’m wearing gloves, so blood testing is, er, not easy with those on, aye?

Then she jumps up and beats everyone to death! Just kidding they beat HER up. And who is it? It’s Domino! WHOAAA.

Movie voice: Everything was going according to plan, until her lucky streak ran cold.

IMG_1474
I literally just got my hair done, can you not push my head onto the floor? Like wtf?

MEANWHILE,

The Beast and Wolverine are on Krakoa, this island of mutants and monsters which we already know about because I recapped Cable #1.

Beast is following monsters around for science, not for a lay. Wolverine is beating up monsters for sport, so they disagree about stuff. THAT’S IT.

IMG_1475
Of course the Beast is soft, look at the fur. FLUFFY AF.

Next scene, Black Tom Cassidy is now a plankton. He straight up just listens to plants all day as they crawl over his body making him look like he needs a shower.

The plants tell him that Kitty Pryde is arriving on a giant ship for some reason with a bunch of mutant refugees.

IMG_1477
Why is she standing like that? When did Kitty become Jack Sparrow?

There’s a scene after this of some large guy getting on a plane.

IMG_1479
Does this picture make you want to lick your finger and rub it across this guy’s black dot on his forehead? No? Just me. Fine.

So then, Sage and Charles Xavier are hanging out and Sage is like “I dunno where Domino is.” And Charles is like “Okay, then, bye.” Then he walks through a mirror and ends up at a party in Sokovia where he immediately starts chugging champagne. This guy can live!

Back on the plane with the mole guy, they hit some turbulence and everyone freaks out and grabs that air thing that falls from the top when you’re in an airplane? What the hell is that called? The thing where they tell you to put your on before you put it on your own baby? Because baby can hold their breathe longer or something? Yeah that thing. Anyways, I digress. Mole man does not put the air thingy on his face and instead him and some other muscle dudes get together and take off all their clothes.

Then they put on new clothes and jump out of a plane.

IMG_1480
Sexy Time.

These dude bros are headed for Krakoa. Charles Xavier returns from his party and he’s wasted, and Tom Cassidy is like, “the Earth is telling me things are getting weird, bro.”

And Charles is like, “is this about the refugees, bro? Cause that’s fucked up, and Sage deals with that anyways. Do you like your job? Because a lot of people don’t like that you have it, bro.”

Then Tom is like “BRO! RUN!!”

Cause the muscle dudes are shooting at everyone.

So they run and things like “BUDDA BUDDA” and “KROOM” are littered across the pages.

Then for some reason, Black Tom lets everyone know that his genitals stink?

IMG_1478
There’s got to be an ointment for that.

The island of Krakoa does some fun shit, like come up and strangle bad guys with its vines. Then Charles ends up in the middle of a clearing and he puts his hands up in surrender and then one of the dudes shoots him and everyone is like “GASP” and “NOT AGAIN!” and “HE JUST STARTED WALKING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?”

And then Sage, who was not fighting at all and in some room somewhere is like “Hey guys, are you there? I can’t feel Charles anymore, how is this possible?”

And it’s like, damn Sage, you can’t figure out why his spirit disappeared from your radar while there are explosions all over the island? She stupid.

AND THAT WAS IT!

Killing off your main character in the first book was stolen right from George R.R. Martin, but I guess it’s fine. All ideas are borrowed anyway right?

What did ya’ll think of this issue? What did ya’ll think of this recap? Let me know in the comments below who you think the dumbest a-hole is in this issue. Is it Black Tom for referring to himself in third person?  Charles Xavier for getting his ass shot and killed again? Or Piotr for still hanging out with Kitty Pryde?

 

Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.29.28 PM
Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

lion
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.45.03 PM
“I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.48.08 PM
Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

RCO023_1583943469
Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

RCO035_1583943469
Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Keeping hope alive for a crossover.