X-Factor #6 – There’s A Garden Full Of Dead Bodies!

Wow. Welcome back to Comic Book Betch, nerds!

Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.

Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David Baldeón

LEGGO

As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.

Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.

I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.

Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!

Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.

It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”

Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!

So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”

Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.

Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .

Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.

Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:

Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!

Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.

Lorna: So I should hate her forever?

Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.

Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!

Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters

Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?

Northstar: No.

….

Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?

Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.

Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.

Daken: What if she dies again?

Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.

Daken: With pleasure.

Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!

Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.

Ya Bloody Dibble!

Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.

After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.

Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.

So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”

Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.

Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.

Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.

You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?

Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:

Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.

Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?

Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.

Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.

So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”

Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.

Why is her hair so long in this scene?

I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!

Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.

The Man With The Golden Arms Iron Man #4 Comic Book Recap.

I had to do it to ’em. Again.

If you haven’t read my Iron Man #3 comic book recap yet, like what are you doing with your life?

SMDH. So I suggest you read that recap ^^^ because I’m not doing a summation.

Written by Christopher Cantwell, and art by Cafu. We’ve got a good one tonight ladies. I’m just going to start calling you all ladies even though that’s inappropriate. But isn’t GUYS inappropriate too?! I’m changing the rules.

God I love this comic book. There is something so soothing about a man recognizing his own privilege and a bad bitch who is around to pretty much slam everything he once knew into the cold, hard, gritty ground. Hellcat is my hero.

So turns out that Hellcat survived that entire ordeal back at Kovacs place minus a huge lightning shaped burn on her face, (Harry-Potter lookin’ ass) but in retaliation Kovac decided to kidnap James Rhodes, so he’s now using Rhodey to lure Tony to him.

Hellcat and Tony have a conversation about this and it goes exactly like this:

Hellcat: Is this Kovac guy smarter than you?

Tony: He’s one of the Intellectual Masters of the Universe, so no.

Hellcat: Okay humble.

Tony: You seem upset. Is it because you have a huge ugly wound on your face?

Hellcat: Well I’m being hunted and this wound hurts like hell.

Tony: I’m sure we can call Reed Richards so it doesn’t scar?

Hellcat: Do you seriously think I’m worried about my looks right now when my life is in danger? You fucking, bitch.

Tony: I’m just saying, it doesn’t look bad!

Hellcat: -_-

Guess what? I’m still hot. Like that wolf-girl from Twilight: New Moon.

Anyways, then Hell Cat is like I’ve been hearing voices in my head, no she doesn’t say that. She should say it, but she doesn’t. Instead she says she feels fuzzy. Aw, cute.

Apparently, Kovac is a former cosmic entity turned android-with-lightning-powers.

So they’re arguing a bunch and it’s a lot of panels that look like this,

And Also I’m hearing voices in my head. Shut up! I didn’t say that! Nooo, you’re crazy!

Then of course arguing leads to banging! Sure, I’ll buy that.

I told you the wound didn’t look THAT bad. Would I sleep with a girl I thought was ugly? Maybe. But this time, no.

Meanwhile back at the villains den, they’re trying to mind-control Rhodey but he’s too freaking zen.

Kovac reveals his plan and that is to transfigure in the middle of New York City so that people can bare witness to his prophecy or some shit. But first he needs to tie up some loose ends including Hellcat and Iron Man.

Speaking of our heroes, now that they have gotten their sleeping together scene out of the way they’re having some nice pillow talk.

Tony is talking into the ether as men are want to do, and he notices that Hellcat isn’t paying attention. She reveals that she can hear Kovac in her head. Tony is like “are you sure?” Cause men never believe women. And she’s like “Yeah, mother fucker. It’s been happening since Oklahoma* (last issue) and since I was pathological before I know the difference. Ugh.”

So, now Kovac is ready to transform or whatever and his merry band of bandits are protecting his ass.

Psionic blast? That sounds fun!

All of his bandits are super scared that they’re going to kill their leader because they are essentially giving him the electric chair, and he kind of blasts out with this lightning energy and probably no one would survive that, but since he is a cosmic entity, you know, and it’s only issue #4, I assume he’s going to make it.

How can he speak with all that lightning coming out of this mouth?

Meanwhile, Tony and Patsy are on their way to Halcyon to get him to help them. Very undercover because they both are dressed like slobs. Anyways, Patsy gets a psionic nudge or something and she falls to the ground screaming. Drama.

Anything for attention.

So these two look into the sky and something crazy is happening, like this dude getting all powerful is happening, that’s what I meant. Yeah. Anyways, so luckily Hellcat can hear his head or whatever because she says they’re going to TAA II. And Tony is like “That’s Galactus’ ship.” And she’s like “yup, that’s what I said.”

Tony and Patsy find Halcyon and the convo goes like this.

Halcyon: I don’t race in the dark (I’m signing this BTW)

Tony: It’s me Iron Man, I need your help.

Halcyon: Nah.

Tony: Please? Just find these second-rate heroes that I can bring up into the main issues, because they’re probably going to get their own series on Disney+ or like enter the MCU and people need to know about them now and I’m the only star who can make this happen.

Halcyon: I’m a math major at Columbia.

Hellcat: *Suddenly engulfed in lightning and floating above everyone* Don’t try to stop me, Stark! (this is Kovac, btw, not Hellcat. wink)

Tony: Yeah, obviously. Is she really mansplaining to me now?

Halcyon: That’s a man talking through her body.

Tony: Oh, right.

So then Patsy destroys a car by them and Tony is like “Hey stop that!”

Meanwhile, Halcyon is coming up with a plan while Hellcat destroys shit and Tony yells from the ground to stop. He hits a fire hydrant with a chrome rim that might have bursted out from that car she just destroyed, anyways, that blast of water knocks her down and Tony is so impressed he asks Halcyon to join the team!! HOW INCLUSIVE!

Wow, a guy who never gets nervous as a super power? I honestly want that power. How helpful in just your normal day to day life? Damn.

TO BE CONTINUED BUM BUM BUHHH!!!

What did you think of this issue? More importantly what did you think of this recap? Are we impressed with Tony’s journey? Who do you think will be recruited for Tony’s second-string league of heroes!???

Mama’s Boy: X-Men #15 Comic Book Recap. Surprise guest: Daenerys and Drogon!

Remember when I recapped Cable? Well, we’re still in that universe for X-Men #15. Cable is a teenager and the X-Men live on Krakoa.

This one is written by Jonathan Hickman, Art by Mahmud Asrar, and Cover Art by Sonny Gho.

What a nice name Sonny is. Very nice.

Moving on, Cable has been taken and now his mommy and daddy are coming to save him! Aww. Before they jump into action to save their captured son, they decide to pontificate for a while on a random hill.

Can you hurry it up, Scott? Our kid could be dead.

Apparently it’s been over an hour since Nathan AKA Cable screamed out to his parents to save him, but they need to make one more pit stop before they go save him.

You think it’s cool to have the head of the X-Men and the most powerful mutant as your father and mother, respectively, but it turns out they’re just as awful as regular parents who forget to pick you up from pre-school so you have to stay through for the PM class, but on the plus side you get two lunches that day, and you never have to go back because now your parents are ashamed and afraid that they’re going to be reported to child services. Oh, wait was that just me?

I digress, anyways, so they show up to this round table of people who decide things because Krakoa is more important than their son. Cool, cool.

Our son still as one eye and arm left. He should be fine.

Meanwhile in the Otherworld Starlight Citadel, Khaleesi mother of dragons has pit husband and wife against each other in a fight to the death. Good to see she’s doing well after her death in Game of Thrones.

Glad to see Drogon is doing well.

So those ^^ two chat, and Apocalypse (the big guy) asks his wife to take off her mask, and she’s like “we’re in a pandemic” And he’s like -_-. So she’s like “fine” and she takes her mask off and they fight to the death.

Then we’re back to Jean and Scott who are telling this round table that Cable is in serious danger, cause he reached out psychically from Otherworld and it is nearly impossible to do so, but he’s in grave danger so, he was able to reach out from that far, because he is inches from death. But they’re also sure he can last a few more days if not hours.

The round table is like, “geeze your kid is dying that sucks…for you.”

Jean: Krakoa is also in danger.

Round Table: Why the fuck didn’t you lead with that?

So Cyclops tells the round table their plan which is to take a strike team to the Otherworld to get the people who were stolen back. And once the people are home they will close the gates for good so no one can attack them and they’ll be closed off from the world…s forever! Yay! Island quarantine!

Island quarantining is so hot right now.

So, the round table is like “that plan is dumb.”

Then Nightcrawler is like “count me in!”

Then the round table is like “no, you’re not going dummy. We’re a government and we can’t be doing shit all willy-nilly.”

Then Emma Frost talks to Cyclops in his head and she calls him “love” what a home-wrecking hoe. Or is Jean the home wrecker at this point? I can’t figure out these timelines anymore. SO I wonder since they had a psychic conversation not out loud to the panel, didn’t Jean hear? She’s psychic, amiright?

Then the circle decides that they’re just going to close the gates and save their own asses, and Cyclops is all “Well you’re the government of Krakoa, But The X-Men are the heroes!”

We couldn’t have gotten to this conclusion quicker? Your son is DYING!

So, they finally go pick up Cable from pre-school, er- I mean, from certain doom.

Cyclops is like : Jean, you ready.

Jean: Fucking duh. I’ve been trying to get you to stop talking for the last fucking hour.

It’s only my fucking son who is out there dying while you talk about nonsense.

So this whole time Scott has been talking, Khaleesi has Apocalypse fighting to the death against his wife, and we’re back to them and the wife is like “yield, you fool!” Then he stabs his wife. Probably because he is 300lbs and she is 87lbs, Didn’t seem like a fair fight to me, considering he is also an asshole. She’s bleeding out on the floor and Khaleesi is like “kill her, dude.” And Apocalypse is like “no, that’s my wife. It’s only cool to maim her, not kill her completely.”

But then uh-oh what’s this the wife puts her mask back on, and she’s back in the fight.

When you wear a mask, the life you save just may be your own.

Ah, so this whole issue was just a PSA to wear your damn masks!

Old Bitches Be Lying’ – Rorschach #2 Comic Book Recap

Welcome, welcome! I’m the Comic Book Betch, and today I am bringing to you the story of Rorschach AD.

If you didn’t read issue #1 and #2 then spoilers ahead!

Rorschach is a new series out by DC Black Label. Written by Tom King, art by Jorge Fornés, and the variant cover was created by Peach Momoko, which is the greatest name in the history of names.

In the first issue, two would-be assassins, a 19 year old named Laura and MAYBE the original Rorschach are at a rally for the New President, but before they get the chance to kill him they get shot and killed. So now there is a detective on the case trying to find out who the would-be assassins, they find out Laura’s identity very quickly, but the detective is on the case to find out about the other guy. He decides that he is William Myerson, the writer of Pontius Pirate, which if you read Watchmen, that’s the comic being compared throughout the entire series. OR It’s Davey Jones. IDFK. Anyways Rorschach is Walter Kovacs from the comics, but turns out these two have matching prints. So idk what the hell is going on.

That was your recap. Now issue #2.

The detective is trying to figure out what links William and Laura to Rorschach and whatever. So he talks to a lot of people. A LOT. It’s pretty boring. Anyways he finds out that William was a recluse and he can’t pinpoint how he would have hooked up with Laura.

Ah yes, the old sshfft noise.

Finally, he speaks to an old bitch named Alma, because she lives in William’s building and knew him because they went out on one date, once. Like 400 years prior.

It turns out that the date was awkward af and ended with Will on the elevator asking if he could kiss Alma at her door and she was like “nah.”

We stan a King who takes “no” for an answer.

And that could have been it, except she went on to marry some douche bag. She told that douche bag that she went out on one date with this nerd and the douche never left him alone about it. Fragile masculinity or what? You married the hoe, she went on one date and didn’t even kiss the guy, but because he’s a famous writer and you live in a one bedroom apartment that your wife owns makes you feel inferior so now you gotta pick on this fucking nerd for the rest of his life.

Annie Hall called she wants her sweater vest and oversized slacks back.

Then they show this weird scene where William took the name Alma Adler off of her mailbox and put it in his pocket. Creep.

Turns out the names were all replaced with numbers after that. Cool cool cool.

Then the detective finds this dumb comic that William wrote.

TTH.

The whole thing is trying way too hard to be smart. OR it went over my head because I’m not smart.

After reading this comic and talking to the security guard, he heads over to Alma’s apartment only to find a young man with moving boxes there. The man says that he switched apartments with Alma because her husband had the heart attack on this floor and she wanted to get out of the place because of that. The man doesn’t care because apparently this apartment is bigger than his. So they just switched. The guy also tells him about his one interaction with William and it was weird.

Grandpa hat sighting!

The detective goes detecting around the apartment and finds that the top lock is brand new never been used. OMG. So it was replaced! WOW. Detecting detecting.

Your hallway is dirty, clean that shit.

So the detective goes back to Alma and he starts going in on her. The conversation goes something like this.

Detective: Here’s a picture of Laura I think she was in your house with a guy wearing a Rorschach mask.

Alma : Abuhhh?

Detective: Yeah, so like I think they broke into your apartment and gave your husband a heart attack. They’re both dead now btw.

Alma: They’re dead? Well, damn I shouldn’t have given away my big, cozy ass apartment then.

Detective: Oh?

Alma: Crap.

Lyin’ ass hoe.

So that lyin’ ass hoe lied. I guess.

And that was it!

He figured it out!

The end!

I’d put money that this series either A) doesn’t get finished or B) is rushed for an ending because it is not good.

All in all, I did like this issue #2 better than issue #1, so maybe I will continue reading it. Like the Watchmen show on HBO it did get better and better after the first episode SO! Maybe Tom is going for a slow burn?

What did you guys think of this issue? Let me know in the comments below!

Iron Man Issue #3 Comic Book Recap : Lighting Strikes…MORE THAN ONCE!

WELCOME BACK!

This week I will be recapping the new Iron Man issue #3 that came out yesterday! Iron Man in 2020 not to be confused with Iron Man 2020 that came out in 2013.

Iron Man is written by Christopher Cantwell

Artist: CAFU

Cover: Alex Ross

Color Artist: Frank D’Amarta

Great job you guys. You did it! It’s a white man struggling with his privilege writing about another white man struggling with his privilege…and he’s in a clone body which is a WHOLE other level.

If you haven’t read issue #1 or #2, then I will recap that for you riiiiggghhhtttt meow.

Iron Man is in a clone body cause he almost died and also he’s having a mid-life crisis, he liquidated his company and put the billions of dollars he made back into the stock market causing people who aren’t billionaires to probably die of starvation because they can’t afford to feed their families anymore. Then he threw a party and invited Hell Cat, they leave the party to track down criminals and they decide to team up. Iron Man tries to get himself killed by his enemies twice and Hell Cat, a survivor of suicide herself, is like “don’t do that dummy.”

Also he invested in this guy who captured lightning. That will be important in this issue.

Let’s begin shall we?

We begin with Unicorn, an Iron Man foe, running into a field in Oklahoma and being struck by lightning. (SOUND FAMILIAR?)

Iron Man is struggling with who he is to the people and calls himself a Daemon and an Effigy, which means he thinks he’s somewhere on the God spectrum, cause he’s a white man and they have God complexes.

Hey kiddos, sorry for ruining your game of kickball! Wait, that’s not what the kids do these days! Where the fuck are your iPads?

Iron Man drops down into a school playground to get some much needed attention before being scolded by the teachers for “riling up” the kids. He takes off, feeling like he did nothing wrong and that those people are the ass holes. Classic white man syndrome.

Next scene, Iron Man finds his garage painted with the phrase made popular by social media, “Eat The Rich.” Then next to that garage is his mid-life crisis car MELTED by the MELTER. So Iron Man beats the shit out of him and leaves.

Why does the Melter wear Metal? Seems ill-advised.

After nearly killing The Melter, Iron Man orders a burger from a fast food place then boards a plane with Hellcat in coach. He’s really making an effort to “get down with the people.”

That’s why you don’t check a bag, n00b.

Hell Cat and Tony then get into a fight about suicide, and it’s dark. Then Hell Cat hits the snooze button on Tony and tells him to wake her up when they land because she’s sick of his privilege bull shit talk. Side Note: I’m actually pretty proud of the way Cantwell chose to write this series, he has Hell Cat as the voice of reason and she can check his ass back into place whenever he starts talking like a white guy ass hole.

Tony meets up with the lightning guy he invested in from the first issue. Did I mention that he was creepy and clearly a villain? Because you should know that, too. Anyways, they are at his “lightning farm” which reminds me of those solar-powered windmill farms in the midwest.

Ew, is that your house? Poor.

So anyways, this poor guy is like look at what your investment created! Within days we now have thousands of these lightning rods! DAYS! Can you believe it? It’s the Marvel Universe so I guess we believe everything.

Anyways they then have a chat and it goes like this

Poor Lightning Guy: Hey, where’s your hot friend? You know the one who dresses up like a Cat?

IM: Yeah, she’s pissed at me so we’re kind of taking a break from our friendship right now.

Poor: Cool, then I’m going to hurt you really badly because I know she’s not coming.

IM: Wait, Wut?

Dumb ass, stupid ass, trick ass, mother fucking, stupid ass bitch.

After Tony is rendered unconscious on the floor, the Poor guy’s friends show up, and it’s the SAME guys that Tony has battled in the last two issues. WUT???? Way to set up a storyline, you go boys!

Oh you wanna be a God? Sounds fucking familiar, right? Ugh you stupid ass white trick ass mother fucking men.

Luckily for Iron Man, his co-star Hell Cat has just burst onto the scene and run over all these loser with her really cool, and I imagine, rented jeep.

Don’t we all?

Cue: Really cool battle scene. Where they punch, choke, blast, and drop kick their enemies!

Oh No! The poor guy has lightning!

The lightning guy kills Iron Man and Hell Cat, then leaves without checking their pulses.

Or checking if one of them might have a suit with a defibrillator! What a dolt!

Cause guess what the fuck what? Hell Cat-oh, wait, no, Iron Man- HIS suit has the defibrillator! Can you believe?

Hell Cat is dead. Bye!

Wa-wait, you-you, you forgot, your d-d-dumb glasses! HA! Burn.

Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.29.28 PM
Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

lion
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.45.03 PM
“I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

Screenshot 2020-05-14 at 5.48.08 PM
Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

RCO023_1583943469
Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

RCO035_1583943469
Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Keeping hope alive for a crossover. 

 

 

 

 

 

Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Ooowweee!!  It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.11.51 AM
A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 10.54.49 AM
Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.27.16 AM
Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

 

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.42.08 AM
They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.46.19 AM
You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.51.28 AM
I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.02.23 AM
She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch

Pandemica Issue #2 Recap

We’re back for round 2.

The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.

In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 11.07.17 AM.png
Ooo a skylight! Fancy!

They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.

What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.

Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?

Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 11.13.37 AM.png
How many deaths do you think, these two are responsible for? Ironic.

Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.

The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 11.20.59 AM.png
I like this panel because the blood from the guys head keeps dripping down and then Chick says this insane thing. Which I am going to start saying all the time.

De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.

Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.

De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.

Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.09.28 PM.png
Me and Loverboy are the bestest friends.

Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.11.36 PM.png
Yum.

CUT TO:

INT: The Ark – Day

The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.

Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?

Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.

Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.

Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.

ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.

Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-

ED: I’m not understanding.

Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.24.28 PM.png
I think you mean, Mudblood, Dad.

We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.

These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.30.10 PM.png
Other than not being cute and causing riots, I am unsure of what they do.

The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”

De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.38.32 PM.png
PIZZAA!!!!!!!

Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.40.42 PM
Hey, nobody said racists were smart, ok?

Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.45.57 PM.png
Ruh-Roh!

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

Don’t trust gingers.

K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!

XOXO,

Comic Book Betch.

 

Heartbeat #1 comic book recap

Wow this one is bad.

Absolutely nothing happened in it.

I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.

They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.

That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.

I hope.

Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”

And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.

Anyways!!!

Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.

We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.

Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.

She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.

Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??

She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this

Mack: breathe you weirdo.

Eva: sorry

Mack: have you seen my sister?

Eva: no, but look over there.

Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.

Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.

This bitch is not Amber

That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?

So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.

So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!

You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.

Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.

Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.

Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.

Let the games begin!

It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.

She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.

When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.

Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!

She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.

Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?

This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once

She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?

I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???

Far Sector Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Sup betches.

I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.

For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!

Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to  “the edge of the universe.”

This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.

The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.

SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.06.40 PM
omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!! 

ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.

GL Betch  is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.

Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.10.14 PM
IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!

So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.

The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.

She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”

The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.33.07 PM.png
I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.

Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.

The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.41.48 PM.png
Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair? 

Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.

AT-AT_89d0105f.jpeg
Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?

Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”

And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.45.51 PM
Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.

So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.

NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 8.53.39 PM.png
Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.

They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”

tenor.gif

So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.

GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.00.27 PM.png
HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!

Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!

So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.

None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.

So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.11.46 PM
Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.

GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.17.46 PM
I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.

You go, Glenn Coco.

Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.18.05 PM
My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics

After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.23.52 PM
Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.

She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.

She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”

Screenshot 2019-11-17 at 9.29.20 PM.png
A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM. 

They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOW!

Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!

I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!

What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!

Thank for reading,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Betch.