Moth & Whisper comic book recap issue #1

This is gonna be a fun one, guys.

I know this one has been out for a few months. The current issue out right now is #3, but I only recap #1 comic books so…yeah, I’m gonna do that.

Moth & Whisper by one of my new favorites, Aftershock comics, is about two thieves. It was written by Ted Anderson with art done by Jen Hickman, I should also mention they were co-creators/collaborators. So yeah.

You what’s wrong with your shoulder?

The comic book begins by introducing the two super thieves, Moth & Whisper.

It goes on to explain that Moth is a chick who can change faces and steal people’s things by bumping into them and then turning into a new person so you can’t find her. She leaves behind a calling card which is of a Moth.

Dis her
Dis her too

Whisper works just as well and in a similar manner except no one has ever seen his face. True or fake, they literally don’t even know he was there. Sometimes the only way you knew who you were robbed by because he would leave behind a calling card of a skull with a hand over his mouth. He also exposed government secrets so that was his thing apparently.

Excuse me sir, you ain’t holding on to your shit correctly

After we get introduced to these thieves we move to a new set of what seems like the bad guys. They’re insulting each other and talking about owning the black market on firearms. So yeah definitely bad guys. And most likely European. Because who needs a black market when anyone get a gun in America? No matter your criminal background, psychological background, or what have you, you can just get a gun. A machine gun even! If you can afford military grade weapons then by George you can get one!!

Nice scarf! Ooo hey someone is watching you!

I digress.

Back to Moth & Whisper. These thieves had no ties and they would steal from anyone who paid them. They had even been told to steal from each other. However no one had heard of them or seen a calling card from them in 6 months and people believed that they were gone and there was no one who could ever replace them.

In the next scene we see a woman behind a man and she is talking to him. She has just slipped some important files into his pocket. He is like “thanks, so you’re moth? You don’t look how I thought you would.” And she’s like “yeah.” Then he goes, “well let me get you the rest of your payment…” And she’s like “already got it, peace out.” And he’s like “wait up did you read what is on these files.” And she’s like “Um, no. It’s not my business.” Then she ducks out and changes outfits/faces/hair/everything. She emerges as the Whisper.

I can see you!!!

The Whisper has been hired by a seedy looking bunch. And the main guy is like “where’s my shit?” Whisper hands it over and the guy is like “Weird you took this job since last time you got into a firefight (whatever that is) with half my guys.” Whisper is like fuck. The main guy goes on to say that Whisper sold the details of his convoy to this guy’s rivals. Whisper is like hmm double fuck, “How do you know I was the leak?” The main guy is like “shut up, you’re caught. Then there is this bright white light and a bunch of smoke and the henchmen all scramble around to find the Whisper. However, Ol’ Whispy took a dude hostage and is about to get away.

Hugs for everyone! No? Just this guy then!

The Whisper shoots some people and runs the heck out of there. Once outside he calls on his suit to make an emergency change as he runs out into the streets.

Omg where are your pants??

The henchmen run out after the Whisper and find nothing. She already turned and jumped onto the subway. BYE FELICIA! DON’T WAIT UP!

Anyways this girl who is both the Moth & Whisper is on the subway thinking to herself about how badly she fucked up. She’s like “I should’ve known Haag was after Whisper. I gave away the drive without getting payment first, I’m a fucking idiot.” I’ll say.

She heads back to a safe house that is creepy AF.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a pair of bike shorts? You are not a Kardashian. This makes no sense to me.

Once inside, she tells the suit to remove itself from her body and put her back to normal. And as she removes her mask, she wonders how her mom and dad did all this thievin so good!

As legend would have it the Moth & Whisper are enemies but its not true. They were partners/lovers and they ended up having a child with blonde hair which makes absolutely no sense because Moth is black and Whisper is a white person with black hair. Look at the kid.

I wish I had a suit that told me to eat all the time.

Now look at the parents

Maybe they adopted? Adoption is normal.

WHY IS THE CHILD BLONDE?!

Anyways as Niki eats her fucking Top Ramen she replays an old video that her parents left her in that old “In case we go missing please watch” bags.

Basically in the video Niki’s parents tell her to stay in the safe house and not to go looking for them and that they will be back at some point. As it seems at this point they’ve been gone for six months. Shit is crazy. And now Niki is dawning Moth’s costume and doing some crazy ass shit for no reason. I guess if the kid isn’t in school she needs a hobby so whatever, I will not fault her this time.

Her parents left behind all these files on bad guys as well as a suit that allows Niki to go out and be whoever she wants, as well as a shit ton of weapons and some money, so apparently they want her to be them? IDK it seems like bad parenting but also there would be no book if the kid was just like “wow I have super spies for parents, okay night night.” END OF SERIES.

So Niki decides since she has all this crap and nothing but time she might as well find out who adult-napped her parents. Niki believes that the only person who has enough resources and hate against both spies is a man named Ambrose Wolfe so that is her target.

Interesting choice for a haircut, henchman with two fat triangles on your head.

He seems like a charming enough guy but Niki isn’t into him. She says her parents would never work for the guy because he was so awful. Ya know human trafficking and stealing organs is kinda weird. But anyways we leave on this powerful note.

I’m shaking

V Cool. V exciting. I wonder if her parents are going to come back or if they’re dead? I will be very disappointed if they are dead just because I would like to read a comic book about them. Maybe they will come out with a prequel and that would be very fun for me.

Anyways what did y’all think of this here comic book? YAY OR NAY? Let me know in the comments section!

Comic Book Recap: Dead Kings #1

So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.

Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.

The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.

Are these monsters or robots? Orr???

As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.

We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.

YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!

We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”

So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.

Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.

Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.

Bye Lev!

Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.

What’s up with that dudes pinky finger?

So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?

The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.

We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!

Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.

Ah she used to be a transformer.

Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”

Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.

He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.

The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”

Tell Mama, I’m sorry

Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.

They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!

BUM BUM BUHHH

And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.

Loved it Aftershock, give me more.

Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.

Exorsisters Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

This week sooo many new #1 comic books came out. It’s been hard narrowing down my choice of which one to recap but since I’ve been on an Image/Vertigo/Other kick I decided on the Exorsisters!

These hoes were written by Ian Boothby with art by Gisele Lagace and the cover art by Pia Guerra. (Just one of the variant artists)

The cover shows a pair of sisters surrounded by demons in what looks like Hell. I know the feeling esp on a Saturday night at 3am and you and your bestie are unattached.

In another cover by Gisele Lagace, you can see that this wacky duo are total opposites. One holds a book, wears her hair in a pristine bun, and is fond of demure skirts. The other has messy, long hair, and strums a guitar while wearing denim shorts and fishnet tights. Such a rebel.

ANYWAYS.

We begin at a horrible outdoor wedding where SURPRISE two white people are getting married.

A7D11AB6-1D13-4D75-8521-929243B8442F
Can I get a Hallelujah!

Just before they get to exchange their vows, chains appear around the dude and the devil appears with two toads. The devil proclaims that “Glenn Webber,” the white guy obv, has to go to hell. The chick, Gloria, tries unsuccessfully to free Glenn from the chains. None of the guests do anything at the wedding.

Cue the Exorsisters. Gloria calls in the twins and explains to them what happened. As it turns out, all of her wedding guests think that she was just left at the altar and have no recollection of the incident. “Father Manny” who was marrying them, apparently believes Gloria though he did not see anything either. He says the believes Gloria because he has met the Exorsisters before and knows that this kinda shit happens all the time.

Cate, of the Exorsisters, listens diligently to the story as her sister, Kate, chugs multiple bottles of champagne.

768EC7B3-1384-4854-BF36-AC3720950528
me at any wedding tbh

Cate gets down on the ground and smells the sulfur of a demon and believes Gloria despite no one else witnessing the scene. Kate helps herself to the cake.

Cate asks for access to the fiancee’s computer and Gloria brings the girls to her house.

While Kate and Cate go through the computer they immediately look for porn and find none. Which they find to be quite weird.

66900A80-619A-4682-B176-65E50BCAF939
maybe Glenn is asexual?

It turns out he was on a few message boards which is where most demons spend their time. Agreed.

They find out that he was unhappy with his boss, which Gloria reveals can’t be right because they own a real estate business together and she’s technically the president.

Cate is like well, I’m probs wrong. Then Kate is like, get some sleep you look terrible.

I’m beginning to like these characters.

MEANWHILE

We get introduced to some other character.

C873FCBF-289A-4B24-84D8-B4E02F1C1D5E
She’s fun!

SPOILER ALERT: She is the worst and gets her bottle of Jack.

Back at the offices of Harrow & Harrow, the (K)Cates are getting to work. After they feed their fish who are on fire first though. Good pet moms.

Kate creates a door to the demon dimension, which I guess is Hell, and says she can only do it once because she’s still drunk from the champagne.

E2057233-1A57-477A-806E-508EAEE9854B
Hey, she made a door to a demon dimension. Idc how big it is. I am impressed.

They each crawl through the tiny door to the dark dimension and Cate falls into the mouth or asshole of some sort of round creature. There is a hole. No one is sure what its for.

Kate is like “hey you should spit out my sister”

But it’s too late because Cate has already stabbed her way out of the creature.

They stumble around the demon dimension and check some things out.

Cate tells Kate to do a summoning spell, and instead Kate just screams into hell “Hey has anyone seen Glenn Webber?!!!”

They are standing on top of an eye and the eye threatens them to eternal damnation if they don’t get out.

So they stomp on the eye and the eye is like “ow” then turns into a eye-man in a suit. Like he is just an eyeball with a body.

He knows them and tells the girls that he doesn’t know anything but he will ask around. He’s afraid of them so the does it and comes back later with no information and offers that the guy might be in limbo or in heaven.

The (K)Cate’s contemplate this and Kate thinks that Gloria was just nuts and thinks her fiancee was taken by a demon but was actually just left at the altar like all her guests thought. Cate does not believe this though, because she felt real pain from Gloria, not craziness.

Then they run into a demon with a dress on and are like “Eyeball man, what the fuck is that?” And the eyeball man is like “Oh yeah he fucked up. He tried to possess a little girl and did that spell wrong so now she controls him.” Which is like so much more fun than what we’re reading! Where the hell is that story?!

8367525E-6471-4CD1-9301-56A752ACDE85
I demand a spin-off!

The demon-girl asks them for a tea party, however the twins decline but offer eyeball man instead who enters into her little den unwillingly.

The twins head back home but Kate’s ass is too fat to get back into the office.

FBF5A7C5-D56E-4D75-9F07-40A4DE4B2CB1
Woop woop! Pull over that ass is too fat!

The twins call Gloria and take her to one of her real estate houses.

Gloria is like why the fuck are we here. This house is impossible to sell. So, Cate is all yeah, but Glenn wasn’t in hell so that means he is somewhere else. And the somewhere else is this house.

They enter the house and find Glenn immediately. Gloria is so happy that he is alive and hugs him. He ain’t into it though.

The twins find open another door and find a demon and explain to Gloria that Glenn had made a deal with this hoe-ass demon who feeds on sorrow. So Glenn came up with a plan to leave Gloria at the altar and her sorrow would be how the demon got fed for months, maybe years, and in return the demon gave Glenn lots of money.

The demon had created the image of Glenn being taken to hell and showed the guests at her wedding that she simply got left. Noice.

00EF43FC-1A3B-4010-A423-ECF462B50D53
But you loved him? With his effing combover? 

This whole comic book is becoming very Scooby-Doo like. I’m waitin for Glenn to say “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

Scooby-Doo is a genius show btw. No disrespect. That shit was the best part of my childhood.

So this is weird, but apparently the demon can give Glenn powers too as well as money and Glenn decides to turn on the girls and kill them.

Except he doesn’t have powers anymore because Gloria is just pissed off now and not sad. And as the powers disappear the money disappears as well.

Glenn starts crying and the demon decides to eat off of his sorrow instead. Gloria and the twins leave the demon and sad fuck be.

FB98F913-C649-45AC-A09B-29A9C1B2771A
Yay for sorrow!

As a thank you present, Gloria presents the twins with all of her wedding presents. Which is like so dumb. I would abso-fucking-lutely keep those presents if I was the one left at the altar. A margarita machine is so much better than a man anyway. I mean does anyone get married for any other reason than tax breaks and biscuit warmers? I wanna know!

Just as Kate begins to make a daiquiri, margarita, and pina colada hybrid in her new blender, a knock at the door surprises them both.

Cate goes to answer the door and it’s the woman who got her own scene in the middle of the comic book. Now it all makes sense. Turns out its Cate’s mom and she also blows open a secret the (K)Cate’s have been keeping from us all issue, THAT KATE IS CATE’S SOUL NOT HER SISTER.

B2F7EC48-B844-48F3-9A56-8B4F9B31D557
Mom got some fierce brows

It would be more fun if they were sisters, right? No? But why is Cate’s soul so different than her? Why is the soul her opposite? And wouldn’t your soul be the good one, not the drunk whore?  OKAY NOW I’M CONVINCED. I do want to know more. I think I’ll check out #2 cause I think it’s gonna be good.

And yeah the whole “the world is ending” thing their mom said is not as big of deal as finding out they’re not sisters. Because as 97% of scientists have agreed the world is about to see apocalyptic levels of fire, flooding, and famine in 2040.

OKAY ON THAT NOTE, LOVE YOU BYE! 💕 

 

The Dreaming 2018 issue #1 recap

Yo.

 

I think I found something.

I really think I did. This The Dreaming comic book by Vertigo is quite frankly, pretty good. I know it’s only issue one, but I have a knack for these things and this, sirs and madams and non-binary humans, is quite fucking good. So let’s talk about it?

 

First things first, the geniuses behind this comic book are as follows: Art by: Bilquis Evely. Variant Cover Art by: Yanick Paquette, Cover by: Jae Lee, and Written by: Simon Spurrier.

Despite all of these people having the hardest names to spell in the known universe they are arguably probably very good people.

 

MOVING ON.

This came out September 5th so mayhaps you already purchased it and loved it and can’t wait for number 2. Or maybe you have not heard of it yet. THAT’S WHERE I COME IN.

Let’s recap this bitch.

 

So the title warns the book is ONLY for “mature readers.” So i guess I wasn’t supposed to pick it up and I just totally missed that warning. *Side Bar* Please don’t shut down my local comic book shop for assuming I was mature.***

 

We begin with this, what I assume is an old man librarian, holding up this weird object that looks like a mask or a fossil of a dead creature’s head + the spine. V strange. V into it. He’s reciting some nonsense into the darkness about how “emptiness has replaced certainty” and how “tales grow from curious compost.” Translation: He is losing his gottdam mind.

As it turns out, he’s crying about all this shit in woe because his boss left the realm and basically the realm is now susceptible to a bunch of bad shit happening to it because the “Odinson” type dude ditched out. Which as we later learn was not the first time he has pulled this shit.

Then this CROW NAMED MATTHEW (pause for appreciation) flies in and is like “hey old librarian man what up?” And the librarian is all “shouldn’t you be looking for the master of the universe?” And the crow is like “My name is Matt. And I’m a fucking crow. I can’t find the MASTER of the universe unless he is trying to be found.”

Then the librarian tells the crow that external forces are trying to get into the “dream realm” and that their reasoning behind doing so is to murder everyone in the realm. To which Matt replies “No it’s fine. The man with the pumpkin head has rallied everybody who has been sneaking in together and we can handle all that.”

The librarian is like “actually it’s getting worse.”

Then we smash cut to this girl’s treehouse. Her name is Dora and she looks like the baby from the Saga comics all grown up. Except not. Except kinda. Except if she had wings growing where her horns should be instead of wings and horns. Then that is what Dora would look like. I will…umm just show you.

Caption: Don’t be fooled. She may seem like your typical slut-faced ho-bag, but in reality, she is so much more than that.

 

Dora just woke up and she walks over to her scarecrow guard who is one of the creatures that came from the rip in the realm. He doesn’t speak but obeys her commands. Then she makes a joke that if he had a penis then he would be the perfect man. But he’s not even hot and he dresses like an idiot. So, he would be better than any other man on earth yes, but he wouldn’t be PERFECT. ANYWAYS

 

The narrator pops in to tell us that Dora is different because she can sleep but she cannot dream. OOOOOO. And that everytime she wakes up someone has brought her a gift. But she has no idea who keeps bringing her shit. She also does not know what sort of creature she is.

Also this bitch gets hungry which apparently isn’t a thing for “dreamers” the people who live in the realm. SO THAT’S WHERE THEY ALL WENT. I can tell you right now the DREAMERS get hungry okay?

 

I digress.

 

Dora makes a split in the realm to go steal the dreams from the people in the realm because she can do that apparently.

 

The librarian sees this and tells Matthew to stop her. He flies away to find her.

 

He finds her in the middle of a forest and insists he would just like to “talk.”

 

Instead of talking she picks up her blank faced scarecrow man and throws him at the bird and then jumps through another realm crack.

 

As “Ziggy” the blank face scarecrow lays on top of Matthew’s body, Matthew the crow calls out to the librarian, Lucien, to tell him that Dora just slipped through the realm like the “boss” does.

At first Lucien the librarian is confused. He has been confused a lot TBH, and then rubs his eyes and realizes that she went outside of the realm and he can longer “see” her.

 

Dora, meanwhile, comes face to face with a large naked man riding on top of an even larger bear.

MEAN-MEANWHILE

The pumpkin head man who gathers up the blank faced who fall from the cracks in the realm comes to speak to Lucien about the problems with Dora. He tells Lucien that she is stealing things from people and that Lucien needs to call the “master” back because clearly Lucien can’t handle the realm on his own.

 

Back to Dora.

As it turned out the giant man on the even more giant-er bear is Dora’s fuck buddy. And they bone. Perhaps this is what they meant by “mature.”

The Demon tries to get Dora to move to Hades but she says it smells like a fart and she’d rather not. Then they get down to some other “business” real business. As in trade.

 

She brings the demons some of the stolen things from the dreamers and he rewards her with food that will actually nourish her, which unfortunately nothing in the realm of dreamers can satiate her appetite. When she eats the food though she kinda turns into a demon for a second. Which turns on the other demon again.

Then some crazy shit happens. She drops a little crumb of the food and the demon, being the gentleman that he is, decides to pick it up for her. But it is on the other side of the realm and he can’t do that because demons can’t get into the dreaming side without an invitation. EXCEPT THIS TIME THEY CAN. Because the master-boss-enigma-thing left without a trace.

 

The guardians of the gate at the realm of the dreamers realize that they have been breached right away and inform Lucien. He is predisposed so Matthew answers the call and lets the guardian, whom is a flying Wyvern, know that he can answer the call if he wants to but not to get hurt as there are no “Wyvern” doctors in the realm. The Wyvern however is like the Master will heal me so fuck it.

So then the Wyvern goes to meet Dora’s fuck buddy, whose name is “Balam.” He’s hotter than his name sounds.

 

It’s doesn’t go great.

 

I mean for the Wyvern. Idk who you’re rooting for. If you were rooting for Dora’s slampiece then it goes quite well.

 

Balam comes into contact with “Eve of the Garden” and she’s all “hey let that Wyvern go.” And Bilam is all “Join us I know you like serpents.” Then she’s all “That story is biased af. Go away.”

 

Then this other bitch steps out and is wearing the fossil weird face thing that Lucien was carrying around earlier and Balam is all “oh fuck. I gotta go.” And he leaves. Because it’s the master of the realm.

Then the master turns to Dora and is like “how dare you? I gave you a home and you turn on me.”

Then Dora is all “um no bitch, you have made sure to keep me broken and sad. I owe you nothing for these burdens.” Then she storms off like a teenage girl.

 

The pumpkin head man is like “Hey master great to see you back. Get rid of these blanks that keep coming in from the realm cracks. They’re bad.”

Then Ziggy the blank scarecrow man says a word, “ Sanctry”

And the master tells the pumpkin head man to care for the blanks and teach them.

Then he walk away. Back to the library. Where he takes off his mask and it was Lucien the whole time. Matthew witnesses all this and is like “erm helluva bluff, Luce.”

 

Then Lucien walks Matthew over to the gallery where they find a huge crack in the wall and Lucien is all,

 

“New things are always drawn to the land of the Dreaming. It is where they are born.”

 

FWEAKY.

 

Makes sense though. All these dreamers creating nightmares and then a master just shuts them out. But when that master checks out the Bahamas for a week all hell breaks loose.

 

I am V excited about this one. Issue #2 is out October 3rd which is coincidentally National Mean Girls Day and obviously a Wednesday so I’ll be wearing pink at the comic book store waiting for issue #2 “The Foundation.”

 

If you read this one lemme know what you think about it. Also any other thoughts you have. Write em. I’ll respond.

 

BYE!

 

Clankillers Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy, but take this weapon, and let’s kill clansmen together, maybe?

Based on the name of this comic book, and the fact that I am such a hardcore liberal that I rode in a float at a parade for the young democrats before I could even vote, I had to purchase.

Clankillers is published by Aftershock comic books, written by Sean Lewis and art by Antonio Fuso.

As a warning, they say “fecking” a lot. And they’re Irish. I’m not sure if those two things are related. Someone let me know.

Hell is a Place Called Ireland.

I’m not making that assumption that is the title of this first issue.

So the comic book starts with this naked woman sitting cross-legged breathing ice or smoke everywhere talking shit about Goddess Balor and her dad. Daddy issues. Yawn.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-07 at 11.38.39 PM
What a nice looking rash.

IDK who tf this ghost voice is talking to, but she is talking about the King of Ireland, her father.

Basically, she said this Goddess of Balor told him to murder all the clans to make him a feared king, cause it would make his daughters get over the fact their mother is dead or gone or something.

Yeah, when my mom died and my dad went on a serial killing spree I felt SOO much better.

The girl continues on to say that murdering everyone made them into heathens. Cause why wouldn’t it? If you’re powerful and can’t be touched you start doing bad things just to see how far you can go without getting in trouble. Kinda like the Jinx, ya know?

 

Screenshot 2018-08-07 at 11.44.08 PM
Looks like an Eiffel Tower in the background over there.

So we finally meet the girl after she makes this speech, her name is Finola and her and her boyfriend, Cillian just murdered a bunch of people and stole a skull from them. Or they took the school themselves.

Then we meet her dad, Padraig the Grotesque ( he got his name from building a castle out of skulls and feeding the flesh to cows apparently)

So he’s chillin on his throne and he has all these townsfolk offer things to him in exchange for their lives.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.20.08 AM
IDK if you can read this shit, but after this bitch offers him women in baths he’s like has anyone seen my daughters? Gross.

His daughters show up, like “we’re here to please you m’lord.” also gross.

And Lord Farquad or whatever his name was is like “Where’s the third daughter! You’re nothing without the other one!” then he smashes something with his sword. Like wtf? Who acts like that. Fucking weirdo.

So his one daughter who plays the violin says she probably went to the orphanage to see Cillian.

Then we’re back to Finola who is with C. She explains that she met him cause he was always hiding from the priest who would butt rape him. Ah, how fucked up religion was for hundreds and hundreds of years.

Cillian tells Finola that if he ever loves women one day, he wants to make demented babies with her. Cause you know he’s only fucked dudes up to this point.

Then a banshee shows up. Like a really tall banshee.

And she’s like “you’re stupid children.”

THEN SMASH BANG BOOM NEXT SCENE.

Lard Farquad goes to the orphanage AKA the church-run orphanage AKA the children sex-traffic ring to meet the priest and ask him where Cillian is.

So he bursts in there and backhands a little boy across his mouth and asks where the Cardinal is. These three naked hoes on a couch tell him he’s at “bible study”

Bible study is being guarded by nuns for some reason? Like, get better muscle. Or give the nun guards something to wear that they can actually fight people off in.

He backhands this bitch next and opens the door to find the Cardinal naked with some children and asks him where his daughter is.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.31.52 AM
A little girl? Hmm thought Catholics were strictly into cock.

The King threatens to chop his dick off he doesn’t tell him where his kid went. But the Cardinal says they were there today, but they might be at the Bogs, so the King heads to the Bogs.

Finola and Cillian have ended up with not just one Banshee but a whole load of them, and they’re like “what do you children want?”

And Finola is like “we brought you a skull, but not just any skull the skull of a man who told my dad how to find you and send you to these Bogs.”

So the Banshees are like “That’s cool. We are wearing club dresses so its weird that we live in a swamp now, anyways.”

 

Screenshot 2018-08-08 at 12.37.37 AM
If you wear Fashion Nova in a forest and no one is there to ogle your butt, did you ever wear Fashion Nova in the first place???

Fin’s like, “ya I figured. So I want something”

The Banshees are like, “okay what?”

Fin asks for the Goddess of Balor’s head… I think she’s the girl with the nice rashes from the first page?

So King Farquad is in the next panel so we have to wait for their answer. He’s looking through some binoculars at his daughter like the creep he is. He’s like “Fin found the monster bitches I banished. I’m gonna kick her ass, or murder her probably because I’m insane.”

The Banshees are like ” we can’t call the Goddess unless-”

Then Finn is like “I know we have to kill all the kings of the clans including my father.”

And the Banshees are like “You cool with that?”

Fin is like “Uh yeah. He sucks and I want my mom back. When the divorce happened no one even let me choose. Could have avoided a whole thing, but nooooo gotta murder n shit now.”

FIN.

I mean END.

Um, I really like this so far. It is twisted, but in a way that I’ve seen before so they’re gonna have to give a lot more in the upcoming issues, but I’m down to see what they come up with. And by the time I post this, the second issue will already be out! So I don’t even have to wait to see!

What did you think of the Clan Killers? Dope or Nope? Lemme know. And if you want me to recap a comic book put it in the comments and I will do that.

K thx, bye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hit-Girl #2 Comic Book Review

As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.

Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 10.51.08 PM

That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?

Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.

HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.

I just had a thought.

What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.

In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.

 

hit girl is attacked by leopard
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?

 

A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”

 

killing beautiful animals
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact? 

 

Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.01.19 PM
That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.

 

Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.

We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.

 

You’re welcome, friend.

 

 

If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.

Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.

Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?

HG: You don’t wanna know.

It’s Jorge.

 

happier
Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.

 

ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.

Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.

Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”

SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.19.29 PM
“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.

 

Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.

Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.21.59 PM
Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???

 

The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.

He killed her son.

Spoiler.

More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.

Good Idea.

I mean, obviously not the best idea.

But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.

I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!

Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!

What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.

 

Hit-Girl #1 Comic Book Review

ERMERGERDD!!!!

HIT-GIRL IS BACK. I mean, I am excited that Kick-Ass is back, but, ya know, HIT-GIRL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

You guyzzz, Hit-Girl is my hero. Like my favorite. I dressed up as her at a comic con one year and it was the best day of my life. (I also had a Kick-Ass, not pictured.)

 

1375755_10202017537099269_611164542_n
Madame Steal Yo Man

So you know this is serious now.

So, yes Mark Millar and John Romita Jr teamed up yet again for Kick-Ass, but only Mark Millar has his hand in Hit Girl.

Wow, I really could have worded that better.

Ricardo Lopez Ortiz is the artist of this run, and it looks like it’s only going to be a 4 issue run…

SO…

I was thinking…I will review every issue!!!!

SOUNDS GOOD?!

It does.

This art though, it’s perfect for Hit-Girl. SO gritty, it’s disturbing, it makes you feel uncomfortable while simultaneously amused, which is how you should feel when a little girl slices a grown man’s head off.

Okay, we’ll start now.

We are in Colombia. Or as the Colombians say it, CO-LOM-BI-YAH. Which is exactly how you all should say it. Because it’s right.

A murderous lunatic, Fabio Mendoza, is being sent to jail and the press is out there taking selfies with him and posting them to their ABC news grams. He was a part of a huge Colombian gang so his arrest is a huge deal to these peeps. It’s like when we killed Osama- if you’re an American anyway.

 

IMG_0042
The beach is that way.

 

He’s being taken to a maximum security jail in an armored truck, surrounded by several military soldiers. The tyres of the police escort have been shot out and allofasudden gas is filling the tank that is holding Fabio.

Some other soldiers pop into the tank to see what’s up and they find that Fabio has escaped.

But really he was captured by Mindy.

 

IMG_0046
The LOL lock. MUST HAVE.

 

Mindy is the mother-fucking shit.

Meanwhile, the gang lord that Fabio worked for is celebrating with his crusty gang friends.

One month previously, Mindy is hanging out in Pittsburgh trying out some new partners. She tells the boy that she’s brought along and dressed up in a Kick-Ass costume, what their plan is to take down some thugs, but unfortunately, the little boy isn’t down and decides to call his mom to pick him up instead. Hit-Girl carries out the mission herself and later heads back to her headquarters.

 

IMG_0047
Just cause you’re into the hobbit and harry potter doesn’t mean you can’t love comic books too. BE A ROUNDED NERD!

 

She gets a vision/ghost visit from her father, Big Daddy, who tells her that fighting crime is no fun on your own. She agrees and quickly gets an idea and we’re back in Colombia.

Mindy was asked by a little Colombian lady to come to Colombia to take down some thugs. But Mindy decides she wants Fabio to be her partner, despite his obvious flaws.

Fabio doesn’t want to partner up with her, luckily she is prepared.

She tied up someone he knows and blows him up right in front of Fabio and lets Fabio know that the same wraps around that guy’s arms are around Fabio’s arms and the controller for those bombs are in the hands of a little Colombian lady who asked for her help and is watching them live on camera right now.

 

IMG_0048
WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 

Spooky.

Fabio decides to live another day and partner up with Mindy. Even though first he admits to knowing who she is and questions why she would need him.

She answers that he knows the ins and outs of this world, so he’s basically her research, but she adds that she gets lonely.

Awww. baby.

Mindy leads Fabio to a room full of guns and they arm up to take down the “perros.”

 

IMG_0050
How does she hold all of those heavy weapons?? We shall never know.

 

I guess we’ll see next week how it goessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY HIT-GIRL!

Everyone should please please please buy this comic. We must let the comic book overlords know that we love Mindy and want to see her all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 stars!

A million stars!

ALL THE STARS!!!!!!!

Gratuitous violence, female-led, and an overwhelming sense of chaos at every corner. Please and thank you, Jesus.

 

Comic Book Review: Kick-Ass #1 the relaunch

Mark Millar and John Romita Jr have teamed up yet again.

Dave Lizewski has been in retirement for quite some time, so someone else wears the mask now.

She is revealed in the first few panels of the story, getting unmasked by a group of thugs she was trying to superhero. But really, nobody knows who she is. It’s not Dave so like wtf? Who’s here?

 

kikck ass sebging taken to the drug lord
Check it out, it’s a chick.

 

All of a sudden we’re on the next page, in Afghanistan 12 weeks previously. The new Kick-Ass is holding a giant military gun and screaming at Afghani soldiers to drop their weapons.

4 soldiers are holding her army friend hostage, but this new Kick-Ass decides that she and her friend can take them.

There’s a huge shoot-off and new Kick-Ass and her friend, “Coop” are safe, but not unscathed.

 

kick-ass-1
Gun right in the mouth. Very nice. Tasty.

 

Coop asks, “Patience” if she’s okay. Patience is new Kick-Ass, okay got it.

She’s like I’m fine. However, she was shot in the arm so I’m doubting that she is actually fine.

Another one of their soldiers was being held captive, but he is unconscious. There is an angry mob outside of the building they’ve just shot everybody in, so they have to do some quick thinking to get themselves and their unconscious friend out of there.

The rescue copters are 6 minutes away, but since there is an angry mob chopping down their shelter that’s not really gonna do it. So they hop into this Hilux which is a big SUV and drive off, soldiers see them and start shooting. The mobs barricade them off and they’re pretty much screwed. Luckily the helicopters show up early and blow everyone up except them.

Meanwhile, in the helicopter, the soldiers congratulate Patience on her quick thinking and saving the unconscious guy. Coop mentions that Patience is going to miss the Army, all the adrenaline, anyways. She says not as much as she misses her kids. So she’s a mom. Then she reveals she’s been in the army for 8 years and once she gets out she’s going back to school while her husband works.

At the airport, she’s finally come home and this has got to be such a moving moment for families. To finally see their mom again after 8 years. I don’t know how army works, but that just seems like a long-ass time. 8 years without their mom? Shit cray.

Also, these kids look really young. So she must have squeezed em out and hopped back into the army world.

She hugs her kids and asks this couple who came, who are either her parents or sibling/cousin duo. I dunno, she asks them where her husband, Frankie is.

And they’re like uh we’ll tell you the whole story when we get back.

So they’re at home and we find out that Frankie has left his whole family for a girl he met at the office. Wonderful.

They show a quick scene with him driving to Los Angeles with the girl and she’s like “hey your wife is calling you.” And he’s like “I’m not answering that, I am a pussy and don’t want to be yelled at, even though I deserve it.” His girlfriend is like “Don’t you owe her some sort of explanation?” And he’s like “no, she never believed in my music.”

I think right about after that explanation the girl leaps out of his vehicle because she realizes if that’s how he treats the mother of his own kids, who was in Afghanistan fighting for the country for the last 8 years, she deserves someone who is not such a gross pussy/loser.

He won’t answer the phone, and Patience is like oh shit it’s real and now I can’t go to school because his salary won’t be coming in.

The couple is her parents because Patience says “fuck” and the woman gasps.

Her son walks over to her and is all “mom, is dad not coming back?” Patience was in the night stalkers so she’s a bad bitch and she’s like “fuck it, we’ll be fine.”

she finds out no more dad

And they may or may not be considering Mark Millar is writing this.

Patience takes a job as a slutty waitress, and I mean this, she goes to work in a bikini top. Why is waitressing portrayed like this? And who is tipping the waitress extra just because they can see side boob? I’d like to know if this is something that actually works. Are you not tipping 20% to the waiter in a button up? Only to the Hooters girl? What’s happening here. Also grow some morals if that’s how you live your life.

So the slutty mother of two waitress/former night stalker in the army goes to her friends’ house and the husband of the couple offers her a security job at his club “Hoops” and she’s like no, that place is a cesspool. And he’s like “this is how I put food on the table, and you were fighting an illegal war in Afghanistan anyway.” And she’s like “whatever I’m still better than you.” And he’s like “well actually your husband got you both into a lot of debt, so you should probably take the job”

Yikes!

Patience goes over the finances and Frankie really fucked up. Ten thousand dollar loans with high-interest rates. Wonderful. She mulls over robbing a bank before her daughter yells at her from the bathroom that she needs her ass wiped. I still don’t get it. How did she get pregnant and have a baby while in the army? This kid cannot be 8. How does army work? This kid is like 3. Still not even using a real potty yet. Gross humans.

So instead of robbing a bank Patience decides to become a Robin Hood of sorts and steal from the rich drug lords who are keeping her neighborhood in a perpetual state of poverty. Which is amazing. I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up.

 

paitens dons the costumes
Terrifying.

 

She gets herself caught, on purpose, I might add, and we end up back to the beginning.

She is in the office of the drug lord with some thugs and she kicks the drug lord in the nuts and then punches him in the face. She proceeds to beat the shit out of everyone else. My hero.

She puts a gun to drug lord’s beating face and tells him to put the money from the safe into the bag. V Nice. VVVVVVVVVV Nice.

I’m into it. I’m very much into it. The first series run is one of my all-time favorites.

AND I’m SO EXCITED BECAUSE THEY ALSO RELAUNCHED….

A NEW Hit-Girl #1

That review is next week.

HOORAY!!

 

 

Old Man Hawkeye #1 Comic Book Review

Old Man Hawkeye finally gets HIS SIDE of the story told in this prequel series from the Old Man Logan story that came out years and years ago. One thing, I don’t talk about much is art, but the dystopian background art in this book is breathtaking. I really dig it. I feel like I’m in Mad Max Fury Road with Hawkeye by my side, and that is now my real life’s fantasy.

The background of this story is that 45 years ago the supervillains took over the world and killed all the heroes. Minus a few, like Hawkeye and Logan. Now the USA is divided up into these dirty ass territories where people live half-lives under the fear of their terrifying regime. This is an America without Hope, or with Trump if it pleases you.

Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye has been hired by Jebediah Hammer to protect him on a smuggling mission. Hawkeye doesn’t want to drive through a dangerous ravine because it is “bandit territory.” Or the equivalent of a rural state today I would say, as there are no rules in places like that. You ever been to a bar in Michigan when you’re 12? I have.

A sniper shoots the back part of the semi truck Hawkeye and Hammer are driving and they crash. Hammer is all “Why didn’t you see the rock?”

Um probably f*cking because there was no f*cking rock.

He thinks they ran over a rock! I, mean, I wasn’t there but that seems pretty dumb to me.

They get out of the truck and Hawkeye is looking for a jack to fix the truck up but then allofasudden there are 9 guys right behind him wearing bandanas and holding guns.

The bandits want whatever they’re smuggling, but Hawkeye has other plans.

 

hawkeye
Old Man Hawkeye could still get it.

He then “THOK!S” them all in the head with arrows, all but one I mean.

Ya. He missed.

As it turns out, he’s got glaucoma. Since he’s not in California or Colorado I’m sure he’s not even getting the right kind of treatment for it either.

His doctor is Claire Temple, a former love interest of Luke Cage.

Hawkeye tells her that he want’s vengeance on the villains for killing all of his friends as he lovingly strokes a picture of the Power Man.

 

stroke
They got Rosario Dawson to play me, I win everything.

 

She tells him he only has a few weeks to a few months before he goes completely blind and advises him that if he wants to do anything or see anything, to do it now.

So he goes to see Logan, because they are best friends, except only in Clint’s head. Logan does not seem too happy to see Clint.

Oh, and Clint brought him an X-Box for his son. Like, what? Why? 45 years ago? What year does this take place? Why are there still X-Boxes lying around? Also, this deserted Mad Max looking place seems like electricity is more of a luxury than a standard, so I’m a bit confused.

Clint informs Logan that he wants justice, and Logan is like “Nah, I have a family. Get out of here.”

So Hawkeye is like, “whatever take this old-ass X-Box anyway, ho.”

So before he embarks on his next mission he goes to see his daughter, Ashley. His ex-wife is chilling at home with her Ultron-8 robot husband or something. It’s all very strange and I don’t understand it.

Ashley is this emo-ish rocker chick that throws darts at a poster of her father in his purple Hawkeye uniform for fun. Great haircut though.

 

Screenshot 2018-03-20 at 7.28.02 PM
Sick burn, Ash.

 

Also, why does this girl look white and have blue eyes if her mother is black? Da fuq? She can have brown eyes and darker skin and she can still be Clint’s daughter.

Anyways, this whole exchange is very awkward and sad. He doesn’t know how to talk to her and she’s pushing him away because he’s never been there for her, and she just wants him to try harder, but he doesn’t know that because she won’t tell him that.

Ash: Why are you here?

Clint: I wanted to see you, I’m going somewhere and I might not come back.

Ash: Well, you saw me. Bye.

Clint: Bye.

HEARTBREAKING. But did we expect Hawkeye to be a good father? This is why we need abortions, people.

Hawkeye goes to cry by his car outside, and in other news, that bandit that he missed is wandering through the mountains dying of thirst. He scoops up some water, but when he puts it to his lips he realizes that it’s black. Which is unexpected, to say the least. What is even more unexpected is that the black water is not even water, nor is it a liquid, it’s a symbiote. Ya know, like Venom. Or exactly Venom, I should say.

Two redneck looking sheriffs come upon the scene of where Hawkeye shot eight dudes and they’re like, “looks me to like that there is some bandit on bandit crime I’ll tell ya what.”

Then this guy in the shadows with a red laser eye is all, “no, you’re dumb.”

Sherriffs: I say now, ha-why are you at this crime scene, ma’boy?

Laser eyes: You aren’t looking close enough at the crime scene. Eight arrows, eight bodies, eight dug graves. Only heroes dig graves for dead people. And also, shut up I’m your boss.

Sherriff: Ohhhh you’re Old Man Bullseye. I see. Only with a laser eye and an evil cliche mustache.

Bullseye: Just call me Bullseye. Or Lester even.

Sherriff: Riiiggghhhttt…

 

bullseye
Then he twirls the mustache with his finger.

Why is there, like, mush coming out from around his eye-thing? What the f*ck is happening here?

I can’t wait to see what happens next! I mean, I already purchased #2, so I know what happens immediately next, but I have a feeling this series is gonna be a good one! What do you guys think??

 

 

Captain Marvel

The Queen is getting herself a blog post.

Bout time.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

So it starts off in a confusing way as I am always confused about everything always. It’s a movie set and there’s a woman playing captain Marvel but it’s before she got her bad ass haircut, and then there’s a chubby dude playing her love interest.

Captain Marvel is watching from afar with her friend and she’s utterly disgusted at how she’s being portrayed/ treated by the love interest.

So why is she allowing this movie to happen? Why to fund the Alpha Flight of course!

Carole gets into a fight with the director and apparently, it’s not the first time she has complained about the movie. First, it was the title, then it was the costume (too much cleavage) and now its the shitty dialogue. She is interrupted in her fight with the director by her Beyonce ringtone. Who has a ringtone anymore? Don’t we all just have it on vibrate always?

Anyways it’s the president calling her. Normal.

 

IMG_0931
Fuck any porn stars lately?

 

So now they’re ready for a mission and we learn that Sasquatch is her chauffeur and that he also eats the cookies that Carole’s fans bake for her. Workin 2 jobs? I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

The Black Forest Refugee camp was attacked by army rangers so now Carole has to save the day. Also, I should mention those army rangers are supposed to be the good guys, so it’s extra weird. Also, they took hostages, one hostage, in particular, catches Danvers’ eye because she’s a little Kree girl.

IMG_0932

Carole got her powers from the Kree people so she feels she has an obligation to this little Kree girl.

The refugee camp looks like a refugee camp and she’s like “whoa something happened here.” I’m like, “bitch that a refugee camp obviously shit happenin here.”

IMG_0933
They all look like this. OR WORSE!

Carole covers some survivors in blankets because that’s what you do when you help people while she needles them with questions about who did it and where the little girl is.

There’s a guy blowing up the watchtower so Carole is like “I should probably start there.”

And it turns out that was the correct choice because there’s a bad man holding the little Kree girl off of the watchtower’s edge.

He’s a bounty hunter and a floating orb hovers over to him and he forces the girl inside.

 

IMG_0934
Orby-thing

 

Apparently, the blue-skinned Kree are protected by intergalactic accord, so what he is doing is extra bad. Like shooting a white kid over a black kid.

SO this bounty hunter is a shape-shifting son of a gun and he shifts into the little Kree girl and she’s attacking him and it looks like she’s attacking the Kree kid. Obv. Idk why I double explained that.

Carole blows up the watchtower and takes off with the floating orb that contains the Kree child and brings it into the Alpha Flight spaceship and shows off her new bestowal to her friends.

 

IMG_0937
Casually blowing shit up

 

They let the kid out of the pod and she only knows the word “no.” so that’s a whole thing.

Everyone on Alpha Flight is pretty disgusted by the kid, but kids are disgusting so it makes a lot of sense.

Since the child doesn’t speak English they get a universal translator and it turns out the child is really dumb. She can’t speak any language she just repeats what people say to her.

They decide to call her Bean, which is cute but then I think about that annoying kid Beans from Even Stevens and then I don’t think it’s cute anymore.

Carole attends her board meeting with Captain America and Black Panther and…others and she’s like I don’t want to do your work until I’m done with mine and they’re like uh no. You have to do it.

Then this shadow appears.

 

IMG_0938
WHO ARE YOU!?

 

And says that they acquired the “bounty” and that Carole Danvers took the Kree girl as “bait.” Then the shadow turns into CAROLE!

Bang. Got her.

Shit’s gonna get weird. With a whole mess of intergalactic refugees trying to head to Earth and our president doesn’t even want Mexicans here so, lyke, we gotta figure this ! And Black Panther doesn’t even care. He’s out sitting in Wakanda, Like whatever. Fuck this I live in Wakanda and the rest of the world can burn I’ll be fine. Or that’s what I imagine he’s thinking anyways.

Did you like this comic book? Has anyone read the series? Let me know if it gets better and I should continue. I heard that I have to continue reading Runaways that it gets better after a slow initial start.