My Must Read List For Quarantine

Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.

  1. Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
  2. Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
  3. Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
  4. Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
  5. Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
  6. The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
  7. Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
  8. The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
  9. Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
  10. Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
  11. Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
  12. Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
  13. Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
  14. Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
  15. Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra

I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.

Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

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Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

lion
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

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“I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

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Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

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Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

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Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Keeping hope alive for a crossover. 

 

 

 

 

 

Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Ooowweee!!  It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

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A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

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Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

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Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

 

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

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They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

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You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

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I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

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She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch

New Thunderbolts Issue #1 Recap

Okay, let’s be real. I’ve never been on top of new releases anyway, but it’s especially hard to be on top of them when comic book shops are closed down and the only publisher still coming out with new issues is DC. This is fine though, take this time in qurantine to read all of the comic books you’ve always wanted to. Like Saga, if you haven’t read Saga yet, you are in for a real treatymctreaterson.

Or maybe you’re like me, and you haven’t read the New Thunderbolts. WELL IN THAT CASE THIS IS OUR TIME! And if you don’t feel like investing your $2.99 into a new comic book that you don’t know is good yet, allow me to recap the issue for free so you can decide for yourself! Wow, I’m really doing a service to everyone affected by COVID-19.

So, like, I remember when the New Avengers formed and it was at a prison of all places and they formed because just a bunch of heroes were in one place and took down some baddies together and they were like, hey, we should do this again, sometime?

That didn’t happen here. Instead it started with Mach IV previously, the Beetle, saying he was going to do something and then he proceeded to not do anything for MONTHS.

RELATABLE AF.

But, he finally decides to do some shit like stopping Songbird on her college campus and asking her to join and there’s a lot of talk. When she gets there she gets pissed off that Blizzard is on the team because Songbird apparently hates him? Maybe she’s a big Iron Man fan. IDK.

She gets so excited to see Erik aka Atlas. But he’s not on the “team-team” because he doesn’t have Pym particles, but Atlas AKA Erik Josten is still there for team spirit and also to be around his OTP – Songbird and Mach IV.

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This interest in their relationship gets much weirder later.

Right away they get a 911 call which is great because THEY HAVE TALKED SOO MUCH AND ABOUT NOTHING!

WE GET IT SONGBIRD AND MACH IV FUCKED.

They get downtown in a Jet which is immediately destroyed. I don’t know why I capitalized the “J” in jet but I’m leaving it. Anyways, they’re fighting underwater creature people who want everyone who breathes air to die, but lyke, what are YOU breathing then, hoe? YOU ON THE SURFACE NOW GREEN MAN!

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.48.39 AM
His underwear look saggy.

So,yeah they’re kinda getting overpowered because there are a lot of sea creatures luckily Captain Marvel (dude not girl) shows up to save the mutha fuckin day.

Some people are very happy about it (Songbird) some people (ATLAS) believe that Captain Marvel’s show of heroics may endanger the rocky bond of his OTP!!

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A giant naked man flopping his dick around NYC and yet New Yorkers have still seen weirder.

So, after Atlas beats Captain Marvel into a bloody mass he decides to throw his bloody corpse into the sea. Mach IV calls him up and asks if Atlas and Marv need help because he’s far away and didn’t see Atlas beat the snot out of Captain Marvel. SO!

Atlas is all, “nah we’re totes fine. Marv went and flew away! Crazy right? Also, we did NOT lose the villian we were carrying. She DID NOT jump into the sea from whence she came. So DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT AND CERTAINLY DON’T PREPARE FOR IT, OKAY, HEHEH. Bai.”

After that lie, Atlas becomes normal sized and puts some ripped fabric around his waist because his dick shrunk and he doesn’t want anyone to see. BUT SOMEONE DOES SEE.

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 8.58.37 AM
Oh, no! Someone saw my regular sized dick!

Back at the homebase Atlas makes up a new and better lie about the events that unfolded. He says that the villian he let go actually dragged Captain Marvel into the water! TWO BIRDS ONE STONE.

Songbird is all “But, like, why wouldn’t you call us? He obviously needed help and you told no one. He was hot and if he is dead I’m going to go insane.”

So Atlas is all “He’s underwater, he’ll be fine the guy lives in space!”

Everyone: Yeah, the guy who just saved the world got sucked into the ocean by a villain, stop worrying, Songbird. It all sounds very sincere.

MACH IV: Yeah, so I need to get a new jet so I’m going to go talk to our financial backer.

Everyone: Thanks Machy! Billionaires are all very good people with only the best intentions! I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen at your meeting!

So, I think we know where this is about to go.

The financial backer turns out to be none other than Baron Strucker, a super villain, “former” nazi (do you ever stop being a nazi?), and a leader of hydra! WHAT A RESUME! Under special skills he has listed: Owns the Body and Soul of Abner Jenkins AKA Mach IV.

Wow, just wow. Give that man a raise.

Screenshot 2020-04-24 at 9.14.05 AM
Butt-Chin.

THE END.

I am going to give this New Thunderbolts run a go, who’s with me?? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!

 

 

 

Billionaire Island #1 Issue Recap

Here’s another fucked up comic for ya’ll.

In between Pandemics how about a story from Ahoy Comics about Billionaires trying to kill poor POC? Sounds familiar, right? Similar idea, but done in a completely different way. The comic industry is super WOKE rn.

Anywhoozle, this story by Mark Russell with art by Steve Pugh begins with a commercial for Billionaire Island. The commercial is only aired on the super secrete Caviar network that only billionaires have access too. I truly believe that they have that. It wouldn’t be weird, if Jet Grind Radio can have a pirate network then so can billionaires.

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I’m clearly NOT a villain look at my beautiful smile that hides NOTHING.

This friggen island is duh, only for billionaires.

They created the island because climate change has made beachfront property a terrible investment and there’s no “grimy immigrants.” his words not mine. He also wants the billionaires to have a safe place to live and conduct business away from the people they don’t care about AKA everyone who is not themselves.

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Yeah, you have a PHD but it’s probably in like music or art or some shit.

The island called, “Freedom Unlimited” has drones that protect that outskirts of the island from refugees and immigrants and it rises with the sea level so no matter how terrible the dying world gets, the billionaires will survive, plus they can be as shady as they want to with offshore accounts because technically they’re going to be in international waters.

This is all stuff that billionaires already do and have.

This island does have this super cool personal wealth detector so anyone trying to get on the island (minus servants they want there) can’t get in without a big enough bank account. Noice.

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Did billionaires pay taxes in the first place?

ANYWAYS, Turns out that this commercial was playing in the background of this billionaire man’s place while he is chained to his bed by this other dude, a dude who is going to murder the guy.

How did the poor guy get into the billionaire’s house tho? Don’t they have, like, super secret tech and defenses up? Especially since everyone wants to kill them, in this, they year 2044?

So it turns out this guy, is a sad soldier who used to work in a tiny, poor country in South Africa called Angola. He lived there with his wife and son, and the billionaire guy murdered his wife and son by giving out free food to the refugees, but everyone ate it I guess? Which, I mean, isn’t the army paying for your food? Would it be different? I don’t know I guess not.

SO how did the food kill the wife and son you ask? I will tell you. So apparently this “billionaire humanitarian” actually used his company Aggrocorp to come up with a virus that would sterilize all who ate the food. The billionaire’s defense is that there’s not enough food in the world to feed everyone and until we bring down the population there never will be. TRUE. FACT. YES. But not even bothering to dive into how morally wrong and oppressive this is and how racist it is because it’s being done by a white man’s corporation to Africans, we’re just going to skip that argument for a minute. Take a pin. Put it in. There was entirely different thing wrong with the sterility virus. Turns out if you ate the virus food and you had an antigen then you would get a virus that would kill you worse than Corona. DAMN!! Now I have all sorts of conspiracy theory thoughts, like this WOULD happen while Trump is in office. HE DID THIS. Or more likely his smarter billionaire buddies did this.

Anywetzle pretzle, the poor guy is like my wife and son ate the food and they died because they had the antigen and the rich guy is all “sorry we never meant for it to affect white people.”

This doesn’t help the soldier man feel better they have another conversation and it goes like this:

Soldier: Anyways that’s my story now where can i find your boss, he’s the one I’m really after.

TV: Hey it’s me Rick Canto, I’ve been doing this infomercial the entire time that you’ve been freaking out my partner at Aggrocorp.

Soldier: Oh there he is. I’ll go there then.

Billionaire: Yup there you go.

Soldier: Are you hungry?

Billionaire: I guess I could eat- HEY! That’s the food bag from Aggrocorp! I don’t want ebola!

Soldier: Yeah, I’m force feeding this shit to you now. Sorry, not sorry.

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It’s corn in a bag! Like regular corn only seeped in viral infection. Yum!

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the soldier is the hero of our story, but every hero needs a sidekick, RIGHT?!

We continue on with Rick Canto the villain extraordinaire of our story, he is getting interviewed by a reporter for the Miami Herald, he makes a rude comment about how print media is dead because he’s a big social media guy blah blah blah.

Their interview from there goes like this.

Reporter: So you went from social media to agriculture, why?

Rick: I’m a good guy, I want to feed the world.

Reporter: Yeah, okay.

Robot Drone : Hey I was just watching the news and your partner, Corey is dead, you’ll probably get assassinated next.

Rick: well, you heard the bot, I’ve got to go.

Reporter: But the interview-

Rick: Come with in my weird jet thing.

Reporter: K.

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This ride must have taken all of two minutes or they rode in silence because the conversations happen all together at each location.

They arrive on Freedom Unlimited Island or whatever which is a stupid name because it sounds like a credit card but whatever I digress. Here they continue their conversation.

Rick: I do agro whatever to feed the world’s population and make everything good and nice.

Reporter: Are you achieving this by killing populations of poor people?

Rick: Nope.

Reporter: Well, I have several testimonies from refugees not to mention the mass grave site in Angola, a site for one of your “humanitarian missions.”

Rick: Oh, hey let’s finish this interview in my conference room, K?

Reporter: Alright.

Rick: You go first.

Reporter: Ok.

Rick: *Locks door after her trapping her inside of a human hamster cage*

Reporter: YO WHAT THE FUCK!

Rick: NO RULES, I’M RICK JAMES BITCH

Reporter: I’ll call my editor on the cell phone!

Rick: I’ve thought of everything! There’s no service in this room!

Reporter: I sent my GPS coordinates to my editor.

Rick: This is Island is constantly moving!

Reporter: Ruh-roh.

While in the hamster wheel the Reporter meets several fucking weirdos. Some are reporters like her, one is a former regional manager or executive or some shit for Agro whatever but she’s brainwashed and she thinks the hamster is a test and when she gets out she’ll have a job again. Which is way weird. Stockholm syndrome. There’s a name for it.

Anyways these characters are weird and useless and I hate them.

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Who is giving her that blow-out everyday?

Also, Rick gives them hundreds of dollars everyday? I don’t know why. It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I hate it.

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It looks like they’re flying into the fan.

The reporter is like these people are crazy, we’re trapped in a cage and they’re fighting for money. Rick comes in and the people take turns kissing his ass. Then the reporter is like I’m going to find a way out of here and Rick is all, nah, you’re not. And he leaves. THEN THIS HAPPENS!

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An apocalyptic setting fun!

Well, there you have it folks. This reporter is going to get her ass saved by this hunk full of weaponry right here. How will he get into the island with all the droids and a shitty net worth, who knows? We’ll have to wait until issue #2 to find out!

 

 

 

 

Pandemica Issue #4 Recap

Alright! Day 183493452987508934820 of social distancing and I am ready to bring to you Pandemica #4! We finally get to find out why crazy De is carrying around a baby everywhere!

We left off at the lab full of children and babies. Now Chick and De are finding out why they have a lab full of children. Some of the kids are infected some of them are getting immunity shots and one has every single disease that has been unleashed, but she is healthy and alive. However, if she gets let out she can obviously infect everyone with everything she has, so there’s that.

The lab guy won’t let Chick and De take her because she could destroy the world, but De wants to take her because she thinks the baby holds the cure inside. Chick is like hell, no. Leave her we’ll find another way without committing suicide ourselves. I mean, I think I see what’s going to happen here, considering they spoiled it in the last issue, that De takes the baby and Chick threatens to shoot her. Don’t remember that? Read the Recap.

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You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

K then we get a flashback of De trying to save another baby in the Congo while on a mission and that baby died so now she has to save this baby which they call “lucky bunny” which in the comic they say is a stupid name, but I think it’s fucking adorable. If I was there would have named her Dolores, tho. BUT THAT’S JUST ME.

Back to the present, the lab man reveals that the baby has a perfect mix of all the races in her DNA and that’s probably why she is surviving, and the white people behind the ARK don’t like that because she’s like perfect because she’s all people, and these white people only like other white people. Which is boring because most white people are lame…well, minus this white person.

He’s pretty entertaining.

Chick and De start arguing over whether or not they’re going to take the kid with them or not, meanwhile lab man dials his phone with his hands tied behind his back and his Evil Lady boss overhears their whole argument, so now she knows that they’re taking lucky bunny and she gotta stop ’em.

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He must do yoga.

Moses’ lab has just been attacked by Loverboy they killed a doctor, Raj in cold blood and Loverboy then threatened the lives and families of the remaining scientists. Moses wants to give up, some want to call the police, others want to keep fighting. They’ve all been affected personally by the virus. It’s all v emotional. They all stop crying and fighting long enough to see military peeps on TV just shooting at all those virus mutants.

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Gob voice: BUT I’M WHITEEE!!

Loverboy has exited the building and calls the Ark lady, does she have a name? I don’t remember it if she does but she’s the daughter of the billionaire and she doesn’t care when Loverboy walks around without a shirt on. Anyways, he calls her and their conversation goes like this…

Evil lady – Um, we’re getting backlash from the white house because our bloodhound counter agent isn’t working, white people are just turning into mutants.

Loverboy – Cool.

Evil Lady – Not really, we might have to lay low for a while and burn everything we’ve done to the ground. Your friends Chick and De are taking Lucky Bunny.

Loveryboy – I’ll go get ’em!

EL – Nah, let’s save that fight for the penultimate issue, just kill that jew.

LB – YAY!!

DENESSA AND CHICK SCENE

They’re suiting up in biohazard suits to take the baby out of the tube. Chick cries a bunch and points his gun at De too many times. Meanwhile, Evil Lady has sent SWAT after them so they got that to deal with.

MOSES SCENE

Moses orders his scientists to grab every hard-drive they can and go the safe houses that he has set up for them. He stops Dr. Esteban and tells him to head to a Jersey lighthouse instead of his original safe house location because he’s special I guess? Moses has passed on plans to him and names of people that he trusts, the second he is done explaining, the UPS murderers come back and start shooting up the place and Moses straight up covers for Esteban like a mo’fuckin G.

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Oh shit, he’s still holding the files. How’s Esteban gonna figure it out???

Meanwhile, Chick decides to rat on De’nessa by calling Moses and telling on her for stealing the baby. Chick gets his comeuppance and De puts a gun to his head this time. Their love is  V dysfunctional.

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Why can’t it be black and white, Chick? Why does it have to be white or black? Bitch.

Chick and De split up because De wants to keep the baby, as that old story goes.

De decides that she is going to the safe house at the lighthouse where Esteban is going, unfortunately she has no idea where that is. BUT SHE IS SURE SHE WILL FIND IT. I am so bad at directions I can’t imagine getting into a car with NO directions and magically landing where I need to be, but I’m also not a bad-ass military spy like De, so I’m sure she will find it. Otherwise this comic would not be very good. Imagine she just drives around in circles like, not even heading to the water where a lighthouse would be?

The SWAT catches up to DE but she manages to outrun them. She heads to Moses’ lab instead of the lighthouse, the one that was just destroyed by the UPS drivers.

I think Esteban died tho, because she finds his paper with the coordinates to the lighthouse soo….

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Hazmat baby chic.

SO now her and the hazmat baby can ride off into the polluted, virally infected air and find their lighthouse. Which is in Jersey. They’re on A PAHHKKWAAAYYY.

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WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Pandemica #3 Recap

Feels right to continue on recapping Pandemica given the times… So weird that it came out and I was so into this comic  that I recapped the second issue too,  and now the world has ended! But #3 and #4 are out so I’m going to recap both and hopefully #5 comes out soon!

So, we begin with D and the ginger boning.

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THEY ARE IN LOVE! AND TRUST ISSUES WILL NOT COME BACK TO HAUNT THEM!

The ginger (Chick) brings up that the last time they slept together they ended the day by trying to shoot each other. I wonder what today will bring? As they get dressed to start their day, the TV says this pandemic is the worst they’ve seen since the Spanish Flu!

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Hmm? Sounds familiar, no?

The TV continues to talk and basically recap what we already know, that there are multiple strains of this sickness which is making it impossible to cure. The TV also lets us know that our friend Moses has assembled a team of racially and gender diverse scientists to find the people responsible for the so called “purity bombs.”

Cause guess who is behind this? Rich, white people. The worst kind of people, IMHO.

Next up, we have Loverboy who is watching Fox News. He also just got some last night from a sad prostitute whose nose he broke. Loverboy, indeed.

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Why don’t the poors realize that they just need to get well-paying jobs with healthcare? Then they wouldn’t be poor and without healthcare! DUH!

Loverboy, dressed as a UPS driver, meets up with a bunch of other UPS drivers. It seems that he has gone straight and the comic can now end.

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That’s just too many white people.

So Moses’ team is checking out the bodies of mutated infected. These people I believe are white people who got hit with a purity bomb called “Bloodhound.”

CUT TO: The white people behind these bombs. They’re discussing the risks behind setting more of these bombs off. The lady says that they’ve only tested areas with barely any white people in it, the guy is like who cares let’s set it off, hoe. And she’s like but our people could get infected and he’s all, bitch what? No way, they’re not pure whities then.

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Way harsh, Ty. 

Now we get some boring scene between the daughter of the billionaire guy who hates anyone who isn’t white and she is talking to a senator or member of congress or something who is her dad’s bitch and he’s scared because this has gone way too far but he can’t say anything because billionaire zaddy is the one who keeps his pockets fat.

POTUS, who is also owned by said billionaire, makes a public announcement that everything is fine. SOUNDS V FAMILIAR!!

De and Gingerbread man discuss what POTUS says and Ginger decides for once in his life he’s for sure on the good side. Yeah, I agree, any side that wants to stop the mass murdering of people is def the good side.

CUT TO:

Moses on the phone with the scared senator from earlier. They are discussing going against POTUS to stop this craziness. Moses says he has his people working on a presentation that will prove that these are bio-weapons and not just a virus. He is just waiting on the lab reports being delivered from six different labs. And as luck would have it the delivery people have arrived as he is on the phone.

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RUH-ROH

Meanwhile De and her freckle-faced lover are blowing up a different lab one that is working on said purity bombs. Yay!

They shoot everybody up and they all die except one guy who they question. He doesn’t have much information but he tells them that the cure to all these diseases lies in one of the babies downstairs. And they’re like “hmm babies?”

Back to Loverboy at Moses’ lab. Loverboy the stand up king of comedy makes a great speech about how Moses is not Jesus then shoots one of Moses’ doctors and demands to know where De’neesa and Chick are. Moses won’t give it up so Loverboy decides to come back tomorrow and if De and Chick aren’t there he’s going to kill everybody. Neat.

Meanwhile, Chick and De have taken the man to where they keep the babies. He let’s them know that Moses is right about everything he thinks is happening. The goal of the “ark” as they call it, is to preserve pure whiteness and get rid of everybody else. WE KNOW.

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How you gonna say this in front a black woman with a gun?

So after that delightful speech, they ping a button and open up to a lab full of babies in tubes. Cute!!

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POD BABIES!

 

CUT TO: De’nessa holding a stolen baby  in a hazmat suit. Chick is mad at her for lying to her and thinks she’s crazy. This panel is from the future, so shit hasn’t hit the fan quite yet, but it’s about to. Chick holds a gun to the baby and then to De’s face.

DE: I don’t think you’re going to shoot me so I’m just going to walk away, k bye.

Chick: *shoots gun*

*hits mutated person instead of De*

De runs away.

FUN!!

WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!

 

 

Pandemica Issue #2 Recap

We’re back for round 2.

The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.

In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.

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Ooo a skylight! Fancy!

They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.

What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.

Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?

Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”

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How many deaths do you think, these two are responsible for? Ironic.

Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.

The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.

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I like this panel because the blood from the guys head keeps dripping down and then Chick says this insane thing. Which I am going to start saying all the time.

De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.

Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.

De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.

Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.

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Me and Loverboy are the bestest friends.

Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.

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Yum.

CUT TO:

INT: The Ark – Day

The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.

Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?

Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.

Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.

Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.

ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.

Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-

ED: I’m not understanding.

Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.24.28 PM.png
I think you mean, Mudblood, Dad.

We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.

These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.

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Other than not being cute and causing riots, I am unsure of what they do.

The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”

De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.

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PIZZAA!!!!!!!

Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.

Screenshot 2019-12-04 at 12.40.42 PM
Hey, nobody said racists were smart, ok?

Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.

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Ruh-Roh!

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

Don’t trust gingers.

K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!

XOXO,

Comic Book Betch.

 

Heartbeat #1 comic book recap

Wow this one is bad.

Absolutely nothing happened in it.

I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.

They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.

That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.

I hope.

Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”

And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.

Anyways!!!

Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.

We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.

Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.

She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.

Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??

She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this

Mack: breathe you weirdo.

Eva: sorry

Mack: have you seen my sister?

Eva: no, but look over there.

Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.

Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.

This bitch is not Amber
That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?

So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.

So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!

You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.

Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.

Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.

Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.

Let the games begin!

It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.

She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.

When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.

Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!

She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.

Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?

This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once

She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?

I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???

Far Sector Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Sup betches.

I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.

For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!

Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to  “the edge of the universe.”

This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.

The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.

SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.

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omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!! 

ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.

GL Betch  is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.

Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”

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IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!

So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.

The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.

She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”

The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.

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I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.

Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.

The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.

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Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair? 

Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.

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Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?

Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”

And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”

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Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.

So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.

NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?

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Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.

They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”

tenor.gif

So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.

GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.

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HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!

Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!

So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.

None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.

So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”

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Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.

GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”

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I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.

You go, Glenn Coco.

Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.

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My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics

After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.

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Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.

She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.

She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”

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A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM. 

They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOW!

Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!

I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!

What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!

Thank for reading,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Betch.