Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch.
This Gwenom VS Carnage #1 is out now! I have high hopes for this run so let’s dive in shall we?
Gwenom AKA Ghost Spider, Peter Parker’s ex-girlfriend, and girl covered in living spiders, is going to college on a different dimension after getting run out of her dimension by evil Storm siblings. This we already know. She’s in college at Empire State University. She has three roommates that she loves very much, and the entire city is covered in Venom goo! Oh no!
She’s having some trouble rounding up these black gooey symbiotes because her Spidey senses don’t work on it.
She is literally Spider-Man.
Ghost Spider tries to save this guy from the symbiote goo. And of course the goo got him and turned him into a monster. So she heads back to her dorm to protect her roommates. But who follows her there?
None other than the dragon goo monsters!
Unfortunately, she cannot save them in time and they all turn into goo pods.
I never knew symbiotes were dragons. COOOOLLL
Then Ghost Spider is a total fucking bad ass, webs herself up some boots and rides that goo dragon like fucking Khaleesi.
I love bad bitches. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
Then she says she needs to find out what’s going on, so she needs Peter or Miles’ help? Why the fuck do you need a man’s help, bitch? You can solve this shit on your own. I blame the writer. Why even bring that up? We don’t need that line. Throw it out, burn it, bury it the in backyard. Mourn tomorrow because today Ghost Spider is lighting up this shit.
So as she’s crying about needing a man’s help, she decides she’s going to use her necklace to teleport back to her dimension because obviously the world is over here. Unfortunately something is fucked up with the transporter and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.
Looks like some goo got her.
Back in Earth-65 however, Mary Jane is being used as a torture victim for the Jackal, who is upset that Gwen Stacey is gone so he’s gotta use this bitch as his second choice. Just like Peter!
Too soon?
He tries to douse her in the same spiders that Gwen uses to make her Ghost Spider suit. Because with his logic, the spiders are bonded to Gwen and Gwen is bonded to Mary-Jane, sooo, a friend of my friend is also my friend?
Mary Jane screams out for her friend, Gwen. And somehow they are bonded together and Mary-Jane is forced into the Earth-616 time zone.
“Hmmm…did you guys have any other friends? No? Oh. Damn.”
So Mary-Jane in Earth-616 gets there by basically splitting Gwen in half, however Gwen is fine after she births the 20-something full grown woman from her chest.
Gwen was midway in the air while MJ came careening out of her chest so now she is falling from the sky and Gwen is just in time to save her life.
Unfortunately they fall into a pile of goo and MJ is immediately corrupted.
Knull the God of the Symbiotes is creepily watching all of this happen, hence the red in the last panel. I guess he sees everything in red? So how does he notice red flags amiright? He probably doesn’t date much amiright? Okay, I’m done.
So Knull feels MJ and merges with her. Yuck. So now he has taken over Mary-Jane’s symbiote body and she has become Carnage. HENCE THE NAME OF THE COMIC.
Wait, why do you get to be Carnage???” “Because I have red hair, duh. Geeze Gwen you’re so dumb.”
We’re off to the races now aren’t we boys! And did you notice that nice new Symbiote suit Gwen’s got on? Pretty sweet.
Will you be reading the next issue of Gwenom VS Carnage? Let me know in the comments!!
Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.
Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David Baldeón
LEGGO
As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.
Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.
I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.
Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!
Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.
It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”
Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!
So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”
Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.
Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .
Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.
Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:
Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!
Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.
Lorna: So I should hate her forever?
Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.
Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!
Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters
Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?
Northstar: No.
….
Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?
Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.
Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.
Daken: What if she dies again?
Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.
Daken: With pleasure.
Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!
Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.
Ya Bloody Dibble!
Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.
After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.
Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.
Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.
So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”
Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.
Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.
Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.
You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?
Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:
Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.
Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?
Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.
Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.
So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”
Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.
Why is her hair so long in this scene?
I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!
Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.
Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!
Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!
It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!
Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.
ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”
Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?
So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.
They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.
Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?
Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”
Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.
She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.
More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.
Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.
Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”
And they’re conversation goes like this:
Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.
James: Uh, what?
Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.
James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!
Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.
Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.
“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?
Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.
James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.
Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.
James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.
Nat: And you have to take the kid.
James: Ummm-
*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*
Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.
Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!
So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.
Nothing could go wrong at nap time!
Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.
What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!
Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!
I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?
I’m back betches. I’ve been reading this new Batman series by Geoff Johns, Jason Fabok, and Brad Anderson.
It’s about Batman and three jokers. Just like in the title. Three issues have come out so far and this one is the best one.
Batman has teamed up with Batgirl and his old Robin, Red Hood, or Jason. The most hated Robin of all time. In the first issue they discovered that there are three jokers parading around killing people and they need to find the real one. Red Hood shoots one of them and that makes Batman and Batgirl really mad because they are super weird for the law, and then in the second issue they discover that the remaining two jokers are creating tons of other jokers because the Jokers want to create the ULTIMATE JOKER. That’s what leads us here. OH and Batgirl totally kissed Red Hood last issue and then immediately regretted it and we find out why she regretted it in this issue.
So let’s recap shall we?
First off the trio are having a meeting which gets heated quickly, with Batman grabbing Jason and threateningly holding him. Like Batman, take a chill pill. A Xanax. A Xanax is a chill pill btw.
OH! JUST BECAUSE I MURDERED SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD I’M THE BAD GUY? WHATAMI? A COP??
After they scream dramatically at each other for a minute, Barbara is like, dudes wtf? Fragile masculinity amiright? So because she owns them both they both take a breath and Batman reminds them that they agreed to work together and Red Hood can’t go and shoot everybody all willy nilly. Like a cop. RIP BREONNA TAYLOR
The trio is like, well the jokers are trying to make a better joker. The ultimate joker, maybe if we knew who the real joker was, and his true identity this would be easier and Batman is like “er, righhttt. Anyways Jason I’m sorry I assumed you were dead and then left you for dead, but the writers asked the readers to call a number if they wanted you live and another number if they wanted you to die, and everyone wanted you to die, so the fact that you’re alive now means that the writers DID not listen to the audience.”
And Red Hood is like “Oh is it because I’m mad annoying? And was mad annoying? And still am really annoying?”
And Batman is like “yeah.”
Jason, are you-are you about to cry? Bitch.
Then Jason says “I think you know who the real joker is and you’re not telling us.”
And Batman is all “nuh-uh.”
Next scene, Batman goes to prison to visit Joe Chill. Joe Chill is the man who murdered Batman’s parents in front of him. Anyways he’s dying of cancer and has been moved to a hospital bed, but the Jokers took him from the hospital bed and brought him to a movie theater.
All of the bats and Red Hoods get to the theater and it’s raining. Spooky.
WHIPSHAW! CLOMP! SQUUEGY. (how imagine it sounds when all three of them landed)
They split up in the theater. Batman finds Joe Chill and a Joker immediately, meanwhile his two sidekicks are fighting jokers on the other levels.
I know I got junk in the trunk, but I don’t think I need this many bellhops.
Batman tries to save Joe Chill, but Joker is wearing a vest of dynamite, snooze. Get another prank will you? Anyways, he’s playing a video in the theater of Joe Chill explaining why he killed Bruce’s parents, and why he is sad about it and knows it was a mistake.
Batman is all, “Hey Joker, this is an old man dying of cancer why do you want to make him into a Joker?”
Joker: Because he means everything to you! And I want to mean everything to you!
Batman: Awe. That’s cute.
Batgirl: WTF?
Batman: Like, you know, in a stalkery way.
Batgirl: *raises eyebrows*
See? The Joker is just tired. He wants to retire, maybe to a beach somewhere. Yeah, a beach. That would be nice, eh Jokesy?
So there’s this bath of chemicals that creates Jokers, and This Joker wants to drop Joe Chill in it, and he even has him hanging from rope tied to a chair right above it, any second he can cut it and Joe will go tumbling in.
CUT TO: crazy fight scene
Batman knocks the lighter from Joker’s hands, Joker shoots at Batman, Batman kicks Joker in the stomach, Joker slits the rope and Joe goes tumbling towards the chemical bath, but aha Batman saves him!
DUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH JOE CHILL!
Outside of the theater, Joe apologizes to Batman, then Batman saves Joe’s life again when crumbling pieces of the roof threaten to crush him. The Joker shows up and then gets shot in the face and Batman is like “wha?” And it turns out it’s another Joker who shot him. Batman arrests this one and it’s over! Now Red Hood can awkwardly hit on Batgirl!
You can feel her eye roll through the page
The remaining Joker, The Comedian, explains everything, and I’m too lazy to write it so here’s the picture.
That has to be a chin implant, no?
This Joker says he knew how the whole thing would play out, Batman would save Joe Chill’s life knowing that he was sorry and he was the one in pain now, not Batman. That would heal Batman from his parents death and now his greatest pain would be the Joker. SUCH A CREEP!
Later Joe Chill dies, and Bruce holds his hand as he goes. HOW SWEET. Oh my gosh this is the love issue for sure.
Red Hood drives off to Alaska, but before he goes, he writes a note to Barbara AKA Batgirl. It goes something like this:
Dearest Barbara,
I’ve always admired you, for being hot and kicking people’s asses. I will totally give up being Red Hood to be with you, and we can have babies and I’ll be a stay-at-home dad and you can fight all the crime you want! This is not super desperate. I know we only kissed, for like one second but I totally got hard, and that’s why I think it was more. Even though you told me it wasn’t. I know it was and I’m also a man and can’t take no for an answer. You like me. You totally have to like me. Because I like you!
Love,
Red Hood.
Luckily the note falls off of her apartment door, because he wrote a damn note and not a long text or DM like everyone else would.
Next we get this cool intercut scene where Batman and Alfred talk meanwhile we get a glimpse at The Comedian Joker’s former life. Batman reveals that he knows the real identity of the Joker and he keeps it a secret to protect his family.
BUM BUM BUHHH!!
You knew this whole time, Bruce?! What the fuck! And you totally lied to your friends earlier when they were like “you know who he is don’t you” and you were all “nope.”
Damn. The shade.
But uh-oh, everyone’s least favorite Robin is up to his annoying ass tricks again. The same douchemobile Hummer we saw Red Hood driving in earlier, just pulled up to the Joker’s family’s house.
Damn, what a douche bag.
THAT’S THAT! How did you like this recap? Was it terrible, was it funny? Did you even make it this far into the review??? Let me know in the comments below!
Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.
Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra
I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.
My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.
Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.
The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.
Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?
Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.
Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.
“I can feel my hair growing”
Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.
Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.
Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.
The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.
The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”
Purple blood? FABULOUS!
This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”
WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.
Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”
Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”
The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.
THE END!
NOT!
There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.
Now The End.
Look, I’m old again!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?
I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.
DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.
Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.
Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!
I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.
OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.
SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?
The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?
A face not even a mother could love.
After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!
Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!
Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!
Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!
Dumb hoes.
Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”
And she does.
At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.
After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!
Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.
Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.
THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!
On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.
WHAT?
Do it yourself, bitch.
That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.
Yum!
Mayon-egg
Yeah, him.
The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.
I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.
He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”
They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.
They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!
So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,
You’re terrifying!
Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”
And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”
Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!
Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.
I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?
Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.
She got her period. Great.
Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!
Okay, let’s be real. I’ve never been on top of new releases anyway, but it’s especially hard to be on top of them when comic book shops are closed down and the only publisher still coming out with new issues is DC. This is fine though, take this time in qurantine to read all of the comic books you’ve always wanted to. Like Saga, if you haven’t read Saga yet, you are in for a real treatymctreaterson.
Or maybe you’re like me, and you haven’t read the New Thunderbolts. WELL IN THAT CASE THIS IS OUR TIME! And if you don’t feel like investing your $2.99 into a new comic book that you don’t know is good yet, allow me to recap the issue for free so you can decide for yourself! Wow, I’m really doing a service to everyone affected by COVID-19.
So, like, I remember when the New Avengers formed and it was at a prison of all places and they formed because just a bunch of heroes were in one place and took down some baddies together and they were like, hey, we should do this again, sometime?
That didn’t happen here. Instead it started with Mach IV previously, the Beetle, saying he was going to do something and then he proceeded to not do anything for MONTHS.
RELATABLE AF.
But, he finally decides to do some shit like stopping Songbird on her college campus and asking her to join and there’s a lot of talk. When she gets there she gets pissed off that Blizzard is on the team because Songbird apparently hates him? Maybe she’s a big Iron Man fan. IDK.
She gets so excited to see Erik aka Atlas. But he’s not on the “team-team” because he doesn’t have Pym particles, but Atlas AKA Erik Josten is still there for team spirit and also to be around his OTP – Songbird and Mach IV.
This interest in their relationship gets much weirder later.
Right away they get a 911 call which is great because THEY HAVE TALKED SOO MUCH AND ABOUT NOTHING!
WE GET IT SONGBIRD AND MACH IV FUCKED.
They get downtown in a Jet which is immediately destroyed. I don’t know why I capitalized the “J” in jet but I’m leaving it. Anyways, they’re fighting underwater creature people who want everyone who breathes air to die, but lyke, what are YOU breathing then, hoe? YOU ON THE SURFACE NOW GREEN MAN!
His underwear look saggy.
So,yeah they’re kinda getting overpowered because there are a lot of sea creatures luckily Captain Marvel (dude not girl) shows up to save the mutha fuckin day.
Some people are very happy about it (Songbird) some people (ATLAS) believe that Captain Marvel’s show of heroics may endanger the rocky bond of his OTP!!
A giant naked man flopping his dick around NYC and yet New Yorkers have still seen weirder.
So, after Atlas beats Captain Marvel into a bloody mass he decides to throw his bloody corpse into the sea. Mach IV calls him up and asks if Atlas and Marv need help because he’s far away and didn’t see Atlas beat the snot out of Captain Marvel. SO!
Atlas is all, “nah we’re totes fine. Marv went and flew away! Crazy right? Also, we did NOT lose the villian we were carrying. She DID NOT jump into the sea from whence she came. So DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT AND CERTAINLY DON’T PREPARE FOR IT, OKAY, HEHEH. Bai.”
After that lie, Atlas becomes normal sized and puts some ripped fabric around his waist because his dick shrunk and he doesn’t want anyone to see. BUT SOMEONE DOES SEE.
Oh, no! Someone saw my regular sized dick!
Back at the homebase Atlas makes up a new and better lie about the events that unfolded. He says that the villian he let go actually dragged Captain Marvel into the water! TWO BIRDS ONE STONE.
Songbird is all “But, like, why wouldn’t you call us? He obviously needed help and you told no one. He was hot and if he is dead I’m going to go insane.”
So Atlas is all “He’s underwater, he’ll be fine the guy lives in space!”
Everyone: Yeah, the guy who just saved the world got sucked into the ocean by a villain, stop worrying, Songbird. It all sounds very sincere.
MACH IV: Yeah, so I need to get a new jet so I’m going to go talk to our financial backer.
Everyone: Thanks Machy! Billionaires are all very good people with only the best intentions! I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen at your meeting!
So, I think we know where this is about to go.
The financial backer turns out to be none other than Baron Strucker, a super villain, “former” nazi (do you ever stop being a nazi?), and a leader of hydra! WHAT A RESUME! Under special skills he has listed: Owns the Body and Soul of Abner Jenkins AKA Mach IV.
Wow, just wow. Give that man a raise.
Butt-Chin.
THE END.
I am going to give this New Thunderbolts run a go, who’s with me?? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!
In between Pandemics how about a story from Ahoy Comics about Billionaires trying to kill poor POC? Sounds familiar, right? Similar idea, but done in a completely different way. The comic industry is super WOKE rn.
Anywhoozle, this story by Mark Russell with art by Steve Pugh begins with a commercial for Billionaire Island. The commercial is only aired on the super secrete Caviar network that only billionaires have access too. I truly believe that they have that. It wouldn’t be weird, if Jet Grind Radio can have a pirate network then so can billionaires.
I’m clearly NOT a villain look at my beautiful smile that hides NOTHING.
This friggen island is duh, only for billionaires.
They created the island because climate change has made beachfront property a terrible investment and there’s no “grimy immigrants.” his words not mine. He also wants the billionaires to have a safe place to live and conduct business away from the people they don’t care about AKA everyone who is not themselves.
Yeah, you have a PHD but it’s probably in like music or art or some shit.
The island called, “Freedom Unlimited” has drones that protect that outskirts of the island from refugees and immigrants and it rises with the sea level so no matter how terrible the dying world gets, the billionaires will survive, plus they can be as shady as they want to with offshore accounts because technically they’re going to be in international waters.
This is all stuff that billionaires already do and have.
This island does have this super cool personal wealth detector so anyone trying to get on the island (minus servants they want there) can’t get in without a big enough bank account. Noice.
Did billionaires pay taxes in the first place?
ANYWAYS, Turns out that this commercial was playing in the background of this billionaire man’s place while he is chained to his bed by this other dude, a dude who is going to murder the guy.
How did the poor guy get into the billionaire’s house tho? Don’t they have, like, super secret tech and defenses up? Especially since everyone wants to kill them, in this, they year 2044?
So it turns out this guy, is a sad soldier who used to work in a tiny, poor country in South Africa called Angola. He lived there with his wife and son, and the billionaire guy murdered his wife and son by giving out free food to the refugees, but everyone ate it I guess? Which, I mean, isn’t the army paying for your food? Would it be different? I don’t know I guess not.
SO how did the food kill the wife and son you ask? I will tell you. So apparently this “billionaire humanitarian” actually used his company Aggrocorp to come up with a virus that would sterilize all who ate the food. The billionaire’s defense is that there’s not enough food in the world to feed everyone and until we bring down the population there never will be. TRUE. FACT. YES. But not even bothering to dive into how morally wrong and oppressive this is and how racist it is because it’s being done by a white man’s corporation to Africans, we’re just going to skip that argument for a minute. Take a pin. Put it in. There was entirely different thing wrong with the sterility virus. Turns out if you ate the virus food and you had an antigen then you would get a virus that would kill you worse than Corona. DAMN!! Now I have all sorts of conspiracy theory thoughts, like this WOULD happen while Trump is in office. HE DID THIS. Or more likely his smarter billionaire buddies did this.
Anywetzle pretzle, the poor guy is like my wife and son ate the food and they died because they had the antigen and the rich guy is all “sorry we never meant for it to affect white people.”
This doesn’t help the soldier man feel better they have another conversation and it goes like this:
Soldier: Anyways that’s my story now where can i find your boss, he’s the one I’m really after.
TV: Hey it’s me Rick Canto, I’ve been doing this infomercial the entire time that you’ve been freaking out my partner at Aggrocorp.
Soldier: Oh there he is. I’ll go there then.
Billionaire: Yup there you go.
Soldier: Are you hungry?
Billionaire: I guess I could eat- HEY! That’s the food bag from Aggrocorp! I don’t want ebola!
Soldier: Yeah, I’m force feeding this shit to you now. Sorry, not sorry.
It’s corn in a bag! Like regular corn only seeped in viral infection. Yum!
I’m going to go ahead and assume that the soldier is the hero of our story, but every hero needs a sidekick, RIGHT?!
We continue on with Rick Canto the villain extraordinaire of our story, he is getting interviewed by a reporter for the Miami Herald, he makes a rude comment about how print media is dead because he’s a big social media guy blah blah blah.
Their interview from there goes like this.
Reporter: So you went from social media to agriculture, why?
Rick: I’m a good guy, I want to feed the world.
Reporter: Yeah, okay.
Robot Drone : Hey I was just watching the news and your partner, Corey is dead, you’ll probably get assassinated next.
Rick: well, you heard the bot, I’ve got to go.
Reporter: But the interview-
Rick: Come with in my weird jet thing.
Reporter: K.
This ride must have taken all of two minutes or they rode in silence because the conversations happen all together at each location.
They arrive on Freedom Unlimited Island or whatever which is a stupid name because it sounds like a credit card but whatever I digress. Here they continue their conversation.
Rick: I do agro whatever to feed the world’s population and make everything good and nice.
Reporter: Are you achieving this by killing populations of poor people?
Rick: Nope.
Reporter: Well, I have several testimonies from refugees not to mention the mass grave site in Angola, a site for one of your “humanitarian missions.”
Rick: Oh, hey let’s finish this interview in my conference room, K?
Reporter: Alright.
Rick: You go first.
Reporter: Ok.
Rick: *Locks door after her trapping her inside of a human hamster cage*
Reporter: YO WHAT THE FUCK!
Rick: NO RULES, I’M RICK JAMES BITCH
Reporter: I’ll call my editor on the cell phone!
Rick: I’ve thought of everything! There’s no service in this room!
Reporter: I sent my GPS coordinates to my editor.
Rick: This is Island is constantly moving!
Reporter: Ruh-roh.
While in the hamster wheel the Reporter meets several fucking weirdos. Some are reporters like her, one is a former regional manager or executive or some shit for Agro whatever but she’s brainwashed and she thinks the hamster is a test and when she gets out she’ll have a job again. Which is way weird. Stockholm syndrome. There’s a name for it.
Anyways these characters are weird and useless and I hate them.
Who is giving her that blow-out everyday?
Also, Rick gives them hundreds of dollars everyday? I don’t know why. It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I hate it.
It looks like they’re flying into the fan.
The reporter is like these people are crazy, we’re trapped in a cage and they’re fighting for money. Rick comes in and the people take turns kissing his ass. Then the reporter is like I’m going to find a way out of here and Rick is all, nah, you’re not. And he leaves. THEN THIS HAPPENS!
An apocalyptic setting fun!
Well, there you have it folks. This reporter is going to get her ass saved by this hunk full of weaponry right here. How will he get into the island with all the droids and a shitty net worth, who knows? We’ll have to wait until issue #2 to find out!
Alright! Day 183493452987508934820 of social distancing and I am ready to bring to you Pandemica #4! We finally get to find out why crazy De is carrying around a baby everywhere!
We left off at the lab full of children and babies. Now Chick and De are finding out why they have a lab full of children. Some of the kids are infected some of them are getting immunity shots and one has every single disease that has been unleashed, but she is healthy and alive. However, if she gets let out she can obviously infect everyone with everything she has, so there’s that.
The lab guy won’t let Chick and De take her because she could destroy the world, but De wants to take her because she thinks the baby holds the cure inside. Chick is like hell, no. Leave her we’ll find another way without committing suicide ourselves. I mean, I think I see what’s going to happen here, considering they spoiled it in the last issue, that De takes the baby and Chick threatens to shoot her. Don’t remember that? Read the Recap.
You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
K then we get a flashback of De trying to save another baby in the Congo while on a mission and that baby died so now she has to save this baby which they call “lucky bunny” which in the comic they say is a stupid name, but I think it’s fucking adorable. If I was there would have named her Dolores, tho. BUT THAT’S JUST ME.
Back to the present, the lab man reveals that the baby has a perfect mix of all the races in her DNA and that’s probably why she is surviving, and the white people behind the ARK don’t like that because she’s like perfect because she’s all people, and these white people only like other white people. Which is boring because most white people are lame…well, minus this white person.
He’s pretty entertaining.
Chick and De start arguing over whether or not they’re going to take the kid with them or not, meanwhile lab man dials his phone with his hands tied behind his back and his Evil Lady boss overhears their whole argument, so now she knows that they’re taking lucky bunny and she gotta stop ’em.
He must do yoga.
Moses’ lab has just been attacked by Loverboy they killed a doctor, Raj in cold blood and Loverboy then threatened the lives and families of the remaining scientists. Moses wants to give up, some want to call the police, others want to keep fighting. They’ve all been affected personally by the virus. It’s all v emotional. They all stop crying and fighting long enough to see military peeps on TV just shooting at all those virus mutants.
Gob voice: BUT I’M WHITEEE!!
Loverboy has exited the building and calls the Ark lady, does she have a name? I don’t remember it if she does but she’s the daughter of the billionaire and she doesn’t care when Loverboy walks around without a shirt on. Anyways, he calls her and their conversation goes like this…
Evil lady – Um, we’re getting backlash from the white house because our bloodhound counter agent isn’t working, white people are just turning into mutants.
Loverboy – Cool.
Evil Lady – Not really, we might have to lay low for a while and burn everything we’ve done to the ground. Your friends Chick and De are taking Lucky Bunny.
Loveryboy – I’ll go get ’em!
EL – Nah, let’s save that fight for the penultimate issue, just kill that jew.
LB – YAY!!
DENESSA AND CHICK SCENE
They’re suiting up in biohazard suits to take the baby out of the tube. Chick cries a bunch and points his gun at De too many times. Meanwhile, Evil Lady has sent SWAT after them so they got that to deal with.
MOSES SCENE
Moses orders his scientists to grab every hard-drive they can and go the safe houses that he has set up for them. He stops Dr. Esteban and tells him to head to a Jersey lighthouse instead of his original safe house location because he’s special I guess? Moses has passed on plans to him and names of people that he trusts, the second he is done explaining, the UPS murderers come back and start shooting up the place and Moses straight up covers for Esteban like a mo’fuckin G.
Oh shit, he’s still holding the files. How’s Esteban gonna figure it out???
Meanwhile, Chick decides to rat on De’nessa by calling Moses and telling on her for stealing the baby. Chick gets his comeuppance and De puts a gun to his head this time. Their love is V dysfunctional.
Why can’t it be black and white, Chick? Why does it have to be white or black? Bitch.
Chick and De split up because De wants to keep the baby, as that old story goes.
De decides that she is going to the safe house at the lighthouse where Esteban is going, unfortunately she has no idea where that is. BUT SHE IS SURE SHE WILL FIND IT. I am so bad at directions I can’t imagine getting into a car with NO directions and magically landing where I need to be, but I’m also not a bad-ass military spy like De, so I’m sure she will find it. Otherwise this comic would not be very good. Imagine she just drives around in circles like, not even heading to the water where a lighthouse would be?
The SWAT catches up to DE but she manages to outrun them. She heads to Moses’ lab instead of the lighthouse, the one that was just destroyed by the UPS drivers.
I think Esteban died tho, because she finds his paper with the coordinates to the lighthouse soo….
Hazmat baby chic.
SO now her and the hazmat baby can ride off into the polluted, virally infected air and find their lighthouse. Which is in Jersey. They’re on A PAHHKKWAAAYYY.
