My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.
Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.
The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.
Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.
Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!
Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.
Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.
Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.
The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.
The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”
This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”
WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.
Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”
Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”
The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.
There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.
Now The End.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?
I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.
Okay, let’s be real. I’ve never been on top of new releases anyway, but it’s especially hard to be on top of them when comic book shops are closed down and the only publisher still coming out with new issues is DC. This is fine though, take this time in qurantine to read all of the comic books you’ve always wanted to. Like Saga, if you haven’t read Saga yet, you are in for a real treatymctreaterson.
Or maybe you’re like me, and you haven’t read the New Thunderbolts. WELL IN THAT CASE THIS IS OUR TIME! And if you don’t feel like investing your $2.99 into a new comic book that you don’t know is good yet, allow me to recap the issue for free so you can decide for yourself! Wow, I’m really doing a service to everyone affected by COVID-19.
So, like, I remember when the New Avengers formed and it was at a prison of all places and they formed because just a bunch of heroes were in one place and took down some baddies together and they were like, hey, we should do this again, sometime?
That didn’t happen here. Instead it started with Mach IV previously, the Beetle, saying he was going to do something and then he proceeded to not do anything for MONTHS.
But, he finally decides to do some shit like stopping Songbird on her college campus and asking her to join and there’s a lot of talk. When she gets there she gets pissed off that Blizzard is on the team because Songbird apparently hates him? Maybe she’s a big Iron Man fan. IDK.
She gets so excited to see Erik aka Atlas. But he’s not on the “team-team” because he doesn’t have Pym particles, but Atlas AKA Erik Josten is still there for team spirit and also to be around his OTP – Songbird and Mach IV.
Right away they get a 911 call which is great because THEY HAVE TALKED SOO MUCH AND ABOUT NOTHING!
WE GET IT SONGBIRD AND MACH IV FUCKED.
They get downtown in a Jet which is immediately destroyed. I don’t know why I capitalized the “J” in jet but I’m leaving it. Anyways, they’re fighting underwater creature people who want everyone who breathes air to die, but lyke, what are YOU breathing then, hoe? YOU ON THE SURFACE NOW GREEN MAN!
So,yeah they’re kinda getting overpowered because there are a lot of sea creatures luckily Captain Marvel (dude not girl) shows up to save the mutha fuckin day.
Some people are very happy about it (Songbird) some people (ATLAS) believe that Captain Marvel’s show of heroics may endanger the rocky bond of his OTP!!
So, after Atlas beats Captain Marvel into a bloody mass he decides to throw his bloody corpse into the sea. Mach IV calls him up and asks if Atlas and Marv need help because he’s far away and didn’t see Atlas beat the snot out of Captain Marvel. SO!
Atlas is all, “nah we’re totes fine. Marv went and flew away! Crazy right? Also, we did NOT lose the villian we were carrying. She DID NOT jump into the sea from whence she came. So DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT AND CERTAINLY DON’T PREPARE FOR IT, OKAY, HEHEH. Bai.”
After that lie, Atlas becomes normal sized and puts some ripped fabric around his waist because his dick shrunk and he doesn’t want anyone to see. BUT SOMEONE DOES SEE.
Back at the homebase Atlas makes up a new and better lie about the events that unfolded. He says that the villian he let go actually dragged Captain Marvel into the water! TWO BIRDS ONE STONE.
Songbird is all “But, like, why wouldn’t you call us? He obviously needed help and you told no one. He was hot and if he is dead I’m going to go insane.”
So Atlas is all “He’s underwater, he’ll be fine the guy lives in space!”
Everyone: Yeah, the guy who just saved the world got sucked into the ocean by a villain, stop worrying, Songbird. It all sounds very sincere.
MACH IV: Yeah, so I need to get a new jet so I’m going to go talk to our financial backer.
Everyone: Thanks Machy! Billionaires are all very good people with only the best intentions! I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen at your meeting!
So, I think we know where this is about to go.
The financial backer turns out to be none other than Baron Strucker, a super villain, “former” nazi (do you ever stop being a nazi?), and a leader of hydra! WHAT A RESUME! Under special skills he has listed: Owns the Body and Soul of Abner Jenkins AKA Mach IV.
Wow, just wow. Give that man a raise.
I am going to give this New Thunderbolts run a go, who’s with me?? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!
The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.
In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.
They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.
What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.
Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?
Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”
Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.
The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.
De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.
Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.
De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.
Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.
Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.
INT: The Ark – Day
The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.
Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?
Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.
Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.
Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.
ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.
Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-
ED: I’m not understanding.
Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.
We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.
These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.
The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”
De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.
Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.
Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
Don’t trust gingers.
K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!
I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.
They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.
That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.
Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”
And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.
Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.
We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.
Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.
She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.
She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this
Mack: breathe you weirdo.
Mack: have you seen my sister?
Eva: no, but look over there.
Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.
Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.
So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.
So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!
Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.
Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.
Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.
It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.
She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.
When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.
She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.
Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?
She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?
I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???
I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.
For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!
Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to “the edge of the universe.”
This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.
The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.
SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.
ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.
GL Betch is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.
Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”
So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.
The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.
She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”
The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.
Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.
The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.
Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.
Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”
And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”
So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.
NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?
They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”
So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.
GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.
Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!
So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.
None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.
So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”
GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”
You go, Glenn Coco.
Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.
After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.
She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.
She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”
They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.
Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!
I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!
What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!
I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.
Or were we?
Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.
Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!
We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.
Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?
She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.
But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.
So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.
The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.
Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.
She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.
Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.
He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?
Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.
So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.
The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.
The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.
Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.
CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS
A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.
The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”
And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.
CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.
Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.
Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.
She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.
She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?
No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.
Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.
The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”
The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.
Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”
Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.
She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.
She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.
CUT TO: rich guys place
The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”
BUM BUM BAHHH
So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!
Mainly because it began with a nod to Regina George.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Okay betches, we outchea. Let’s talk about Dead Eyes Issue #1 from Image.
Another fucking banger from Image. Damn. Are we proud or what?
Look. They just wrote it out.
These guys were like, listen, this comic book betch really fucking hates having to type out everything about who wrote this shit that she is “invested in” and “truly enjoys” so you would think she would lovee to take a second out of her measley fucking day to thank us for bringing her hours of entertainment that she then makes fun of on her mediocre “blog.”
Wow guys, fucking rude. But I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Thank you again for dedicating an entire page of the book to just your names.
Why am I having a fight in my head with the editors of Image? I really can’t even begin to hash this out. Someone remind me to talk to my therapist about this. And by therapist, I mean my best friend’s dog.
Yeah, I don’t even have my own dog.
Don’t remind me.
So I’m super into this comic book. I really only got it, honestly based on the cover. It reminded me of Sin City/ Watchmen type shit and I was down for that.
It is right up those comics ally though, because it is filled with intrigue, thuggish fiends, and a male protagonist that has a gold-plated heart of blacknesses. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
Anyways, as a basic betch, I was super into how it started. Everyone was talking about Dead Eyes like he was the Regina George of Boston. They said shit like “his hair is insured for $10,000” and “I hear he does car commercials in Japan” and “omg one time he punched me in the face, it was awesome.”
They go on to say that he was basically a Robin Hood type since he robbed big businesses and drug dealers. According to the news, he made one big steal for 10 million dollars and that he hasn’t been seen since 1997. They undercut the footage of them saying 10 million and cut to a guy sitting in the dark watching the news saying 12 million. So I guess he stole that from that guy.
I want a tamale. That is all.
CUT TO: What dead eyes is up to present day. He lives in a little house in Boston with his lady, Megan. Megan is in a wheelchair and he has hemorrhoids. So things have not been going great. Megan is watching TV in her wheelchair and she’s excited because they’re talking about her mans on the telly. #DeadEyesIsBae
The news story is basically highlighting all of his crazy ass vigilante bs. And he gets in the shower and says the 90s weren’t as fun as they’re making it out to be on the news.
Anyways, now the Dead Eyes vigilante is just some dork with a sweater vest. And he has to spoon-feed his girlfriend. Which goes to show how good a guy this vigilante really is. BECAUSE VIGILANTES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN COPS. ALL COPS DO IS SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE AND EAT DOUGHNUTS. THERE I SAID IT. omg you know what would be really funny? Like a sketch where these cops, I wanna say one is definitely played by Kenan Thompson (cause it would only work if the cop was black otherwise it would be a hate crime kinda sketch and racists would be like this is great completely missing the point that it is satire folks!) and the other one is hmmm idk either Pete Davidson or Kyle Mooney I’m leaning Kyle Mooney, and its like the first day for Kyle, and Kenan’s character is like “it’s pretty straightforward man, we basically chill out and eat doughnuts until there is some sort of emergency.” And then a black man approaches asking for help and Kenan just shoots him and Kyle is like “whoa what the fuck he just needed help!” and Kenan is like “idk man it’s just protocol.” And then maybe the black guy looked a little seedy idk. But then it gets increasing more obvious that they’re just shooting black people for no reason, because then it’s a black woman and then it’s black children. IDK. That would probably not make it to air, but I’m laughing. Oh God. Should I delete this? I’m sorry you had to read that. I have a dark sense of humor I suppose. It certainly would never make it to air because it makes light of a controversial and very sad VERY REAL situation sorry to get political. I hate cops. I DIGRESS.
They’re in love I guess. She refuses to eat the veggies he cooked which is shitty and I’m pretty sure she still can use her hands so I don’t understand why he is spoon-feeding her. I’m highly disturbed because it’s probably a kink. IDK.
Anyways, she tells him he’s going to be late for “tee time” which I originally read as “tea time” and I was like “oh shit they’re british.” but then he grabbed some golf clubs and left the house. HOWMEVER, it turns out he doesn’t go golfing everyday. He goes to greet people at the MART. He’s an old man greeter for Wal-Mart. Something that, my father who is in his 70s, cannot ever do because he is not genial enough. BUT APPARENTLY THIS MURDERER CAN.
Anyways he lies to his bitch because she’d be sad if she knew what he was really doing I guess. IDK. Boys are dumb.
So they ran out of money and now he hangs out at the Mart to make some extra dough but he vigilantes on the side ’cause in this economic climate everybody need a side hustle : See Comic Book Betch Blog. He uses the Mart as his way to find people to murder. For example, he finds first-time murderers all the freaking time!
Because their carts all look the same.
So he swoops in and realizes that he’s seen this guy before with the same cart. Only this time his head is shaved. But he still recognizes him. He decides that he will check the guy out so he tells the cashier he is going to that the boss wants to talk to her so he can check the murderer guy out instead. The guy tries to pay in cash and Dead Eyes is all “oh sorry can’t do cash because the girl I booted out of here is in charge of the register so you can pay by credit and I’ll need to see an ID. SMOOTH AF. ANd the mo fucka almost does it. He gives the card and so Dead Eyes gets the name and then hands over the ID and Dead Eyes gets his address. Then the murderer guy is like actually I’m not going to pay by credit card and nopes the fuck out of there. Dead Eyes is all “okay, cool.” but deep down he’s like “Bitch I got yo address.”
So Dead Eyes decides to go to that address after his shift I guess and he confronts the murderer man.
He enters the house as the crazy-ass mother fucker he is.
He smells something bad and follows his nose towards it. He finds a locked door, but before he can open it he is discovered. Also the guy has a knife with him. WHO WALKS AROUND THEIR HOUSE WITH A KNIFE? JUST ME? OKAY.
But Dead Eyes was expecting to get caught so he ready for him.
So they fight. Dead Eyes wins. Otherwise, this would be a very short run of comics. But he lets him live. However another dude, the guys partner or roommate whatever shows up and that would have taken Dead Eyes by surprise but as it turns out the roommate is a big fan of Dead Eyes and freaks out for a second which gives Dead Eyes the upper hand to murder his ass. But not kill him. Just to punch the ground on which he stands.
So yeah he beats them up and they’re like please let us live and he’s like okay I’ll let you live whatever. Then he goes to the locked basement door or whatever and finds whats in there. And it’s three girls living in filth. So he decides to not let the dudes live and instead he murders them because yeah you can’t have dudes like these walking around the earth.
So yeah Dead Eyes finishes the job and calls 911 because he’s a vigilante and can’t bring these hoes to safety. So he drives home. The cops don’t bother him because he’s just an old white man driving on the road and he gets home but Megan is awake and she knows something is up.
Dead Eyes has to explain himself to Megan, she’s upset because she doesn’t want him putting himself in danger I guess. IDK. I can’t place her feelings because she immediately has a seizure.
CUT TO: That one guy who said “12 million” earlier but now he has more friends and they are still hanging out in the dark. Fucking kinky ass weirdos. I’m a kink-shamer btw. Don’t share unless you wanna be grilled.
They discuss that the women that dead eyes saved described their savior as having “dead eyes” oooo. So now these white men know that this other vigilante white man is back. And they’re shaking in their expensive ass boots.
OOOO MAYBE! Anyways I’m intrigued. I’m V into this new series MEOW. I have many books to read coming up. If you want me to recap something you’ve read please let me know in the comments.
Once in a while I stumble across a comic book that really gets me thinking. Pandemica is one of those.
I was blown away by the awesomeness of this comic book, but when I shared the plot with a friend of mine he said it was a bit too “on the nose” for his taste. Well, now YOU can be the judges of that. For me, Pandemica was the fucking shit. For him, it was just shit. So I definitely want to know ya’lls opinion.
Now for the thankings. This story was written by Jonathan Maberry. ART by Alex Sanchez. COLORS by Jay Fotos. LETTERS by Shawn Lee.
We begin with Chapter 1: APTLY TITLED- GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS.
Which honestly, would be such a great name for a hip hop album, but I digress.
We begin two months ago with this dude or female IDFK in a hazmat suit pouring some green liquid into the pipes of detention complex while one lone and old ass security guard walks around with a gun not noticing shit. The mission was so easy that he is legit in and out.
So, cut to, all of these detainees, dead and their bodies in bags. None of the guards were hurt by it, none of the staff of the detention just the fucking prisoners. It is baffling.
Now the news got hold of it and some fat man with a cigar that gives off way too much smoke is talking to his daughter about the news and what they’re saying. I’m assuming these two are the bad guys because they’re upset that the media figured it out. BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T THE MEDIA FIGURE IT OUT. THEY’RE BEING SO DAMN OPEN ABOUT IT. Yeah 90,000 people are dead. That’s fine. Look the other way.
Let me explain,
The news guy is all “CHIKUNGUNYA is a virus usually spread by bug bites that had a mortality rate of one in a thousand, but there is a new strain of it, (New strain as in someone fucked with the original strain and weaponized it) that has a mortality rate of 70%. The pattern of its spreading makes absolutely no fucking sense because only certain people are dying from it. Like tribes that are literally right next to each other, one will die and the other tribe will have no deaths. And places that are getting hit are detention centers filled with immigrants, poor neighborhoods in Mexico, in Haiti, Puerto Rico, poor areas of India. BASICALLY IF YOU ARE BROWN AND POOR THEN YOU ARE GETTING KILLED BY THIS VIRUS.
(So, basically I’m next.)
Now there’s an interview with a handsome black newsman and one Mister Dr. Katz.
Dr. Katz believes this is a weaponized attack on the poorest people and people of color. The newsman is like “you’re quite bold to say that. It’s not possible.”
And Dr. Katz is all “Oh mother fucker it is possible look at all this damning evidence.”
And the newsman is like “What? Are you saying someone is deliberating mass murdering people?”
And Dr. Katz is like “Yeah. It’s not mother nature. She’s a bitch but she ain’t a racist. This is an ethnic bio-weapon. Someone is selling GENOCIDE.”
BUHM BUH BUHHH!!!
Oh it’s so crazy and it hit me in the heart because damn we are so close to this happening and what a damn shame amiright? Like how scary!! America already kind of does this shit on not a bio-level attack, but they make it impossible for people of color to get decent paying jobs and insurance and education…and OMG WE ALREADY DO IT! DON’T YOU SEE???!! AMERICA IS PANDEMICA.
I digress again.
So, now everybody is worried about Dr. Katz because he went on TV and called out the higher ups for planting genocide attacks. And now all of the congressmen want him fired and the President is off tweeting about what a liar Dr. Katz is, so he decides to quit his job which I have no idea what his fucking job is. I guess he is a Doctor with a TV show or something. Anyways, he goes on multiple TV shows and speaks at multiple town halls getting the word out as best as he can. Luckily he is a secret millionaire. ALWAYS A V LUCKY THING TO BE.
So he decides to create a taskforce of doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers, and investigators so that he can get to the bottom of this genocide.
BACK TO THE FAT MAN WITH THE CIGAR.
Now fat man is talking to a hit man named Loverboy. Loverboy chooses to wear a large winter jacket but no shirt underneath. He has very strong pecs and a six or maybe 8 pack while in a sitting position. So he is jacked. But it is never answered to why he doesn’t wear a shirt but chooses to wear a heavy jacket that he leaves open. I will be emailing the artists to ask them if this was an artistic choice or maybe I’ll email the writer and ask him if this is truly something the character of Loverboy would do, and then I would want to dive into his psyche to figure out why. Because, to me, this makes absolutely no fucking sense. OKAY THANKS BYE.
Dr. Katz is on his car phone, ya know where you can talk on the phone but it comes out of the speaker of the car so you can keep your hands on 10 and 2? Eyes on the road buddy.
He decides to get the “band back together.” Seems he was on another special forces team. He’s not just a regular Doctor, he’s a cool doctor. SO he’s on the phone getting this special team together when a truck comes out of NOWHERE and hits him.
And that’s the first hit. He survives but the truck driver says he just left a bar so he’ll get arrested for drunk driving and they’ll deal with him in jail. UNFORTUNATELY FOR LOVERBOY Dr. Katz is a reformed alchoholic and no longer drinks. So he passes a breathalizer and asks the cop to check the traffic cam. The traffic cam doesn’t have any footage conveniently so Dr. Katz goes home.
Loverboy says there are other ways to kill him, so give him a week and Dr. MOSES Katz will be dead. A little too ON the NOSE of a first name as well, but we’ll let it happen.
The next day, Moses meets up with a woman that he used to work with. ON his special team or whatever. They meet up for coffee and discuss working together again she thinks his idea is illegal and she reminds him that after Syria their “team” stopped working together for good reason. Mostly the reason is that the team is dead except for one other guy and the other guy, “Chick” blames the woman for “what happened” and I believe the “what happened” is that all their team died.
She isn’t quite keen on joining him in his conspiracy theory thing, but she does find the accident to be a little “hinky” because the traffic cam wasn’t available so she agrees to investigate that at least.
She checks out a little bodega near where the accident occured. The man at the bodega says he does a camera that faces that way and he found it odd that the police did not want to check it.
She checks out the security footage and lets Moses know that he is not crazy and there is indeed someone following him and blah blah.
What she doesn’t know is that someone is following her too. She takes to the streets after making the call and a homeless man bumps into her and calls her a bitch, then these three people attack her.
After beating all these people up she gets fired at by a gunman in a car. She pulls out her own gun and fires at the people who attacked her when she notices where the other gunfire is actually coming from. Loverboy is in the car. And guess what? She fucking knows him. FROM SYRIA. Omg they used to be friends. This goes DEEPER than we thought.
De’neesa is the woman’s name, so I should probably start calling her that instead of woman, and she makes a call to “Chick” Chick is a ginger with freckles and he’s gross and I don’t trust him. He is also wearing an army uniform so that adds to my distrust. Never trust a man in uniform. ANYWAYS she makes a call to Chick and she’s like guess what Chick, I didn’t kill Loverboy he’s alive I saw him. And he’s like “well he must be a zombie then because we both saw him die.” Whatta fucking goon.
Anyways more convo:
D: So we took away a briefcase from the Russians, that was one of Loverboy’s tricks you know that one. He pulled that same one on me outside of the Bodega.
C: Okay, now I believe you because he used the same style to jump you as he did to the Russians. That’s all it took, I am 100% on your side now.
D: Loverboy’s death broke us apart, our entire team. But now we know that it was all a part of something bigger. He scammed us. This was part of his plan.
C: Well now I feel like a patsie. Whatever that is. I mourned him like a brother and he’s still alive according to you and this one story which I 100% agree with even though I saw nothing with my own eyes. And it does seem out of character for me as I held a grudge against you for several years but all of a sudden you call me and say “hey I didn’t kill loverboy he faked his death” and now everything is PEACHY.
D: Great. So uh, what you up to?
C: I heard about Moses’ conspiracy before this and honestly I’m dealing with the same thing over here in Africa or something. I caught these Bantu cocksuckers trying to dump some biohazard waste into a Congolese village. I’m going to go beat the shit out of them now, so I gotta go. See you soon, I’ll be on the first flight out. BAII!!!
D: Have fun!! Baiii!!
Moses and De’Neesa call a meeting so they can their new team together and it’s a bunch of weirdos and POC. THE RESISTANCE!!!
Moses gives them a beautiful speech about how “We have to stop this” Because “no one else will” and because of Chick they now have the evidence to show that they are right.
Loverboy and the Fat man and his daughter the girl catch wind that Moses has now formed this team and they’re scared.
The daughter says that because they have what they sold to the Bantu they can reverse engineer it and tie it all back to them. Loverboy is like “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, doll.”
He don’t GAF. AND he is still not wearing a SHIRT!!
Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.
I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.
Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)
So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.
In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.
We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.
As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.
Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.
Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.
As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.
Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.
Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.
Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.
She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.
She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.
Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.
After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.
Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.
Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.
As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.
Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.
Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.
Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.
Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.
Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.
The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”
Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.
Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?
Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.
It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.
Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.
The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”
He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.
So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.
I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.
Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??
So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.
Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.
The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.
As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.
We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.
We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”
So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.
Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.
Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.
Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.
So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?
The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.
We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!
Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.
Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”
Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.
He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.
The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”
Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.
They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!
BUM BUM BUHHH
And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.