Star Girl 2

Ugh.

Here we go, again.

Spoiler: The show is still terrible. But we shall journey on.

We begin showing Pat the Robot again after the battle we had yesterday and Star Girl jumps on his back and rides him home. Not in a concupiscent way.

I just learned that word from Russel Brand.

Back at the scene of the crime the green leather dress man finds Star Girl’s burnt up student ID. She is dumb for bringing identification to a fight scene. Like wtf.

Back at Courtney and Pat’s garage they’re both pretty fucked up from the fight, and Pat decides to stick his finger in the open wound on Courtney’s head which is fine. Just add some hydrochlorine to that shit.

Pat tells Courtney about the Injustice League which was the group of bad guys who killed star man and hawk man and hawk girl, etc and Courtney is like, why would you move us to a town full of super villains, STRIPSEY! Finally Courtney is smart about something.

staff

We then get a new scene with a different family and some like 25 year old man walks into his parents room talk’em bout a noise he heard and thinks someone is inside. Why are you 25 living with your parents and also going into their bedroom when there’s a fucking noise? GO investigate it yourself.
ANYWAYS, the dad grabs a wand from a safe and ho-ho-ho look who broke in, it’s his old pal man in green dress and the first thing he says to him is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN DRESS. Like, thank you, SOMEONE agrees with me. I like this guy already.

Back with Courtney and Pat, it turns out one member of the justice league survived for a while, Hourman. But Hourman got killed when he tracked the injustice league to Nebraska and Stripsey was given the information to take them down.

The next day at breakfast, C and P show up with random head wounds so the mom is mildly concerned because she’s like “what happened” and they’re like “we both fell down the stairs.” and she’s like “I’m late for work. Bye.”

Later at school, Courtney takes the star-man uniform and sews it up in the sewing class and apparently she is a terrible sewer because she breaks every single machine as she goes.

Meanwhile, Pat joins a gym.

After school there is some sort of assembly for no apparent reason, but it is the perfect place for Brain Wave to match his burnt student ID with a random hoe. And he finds that random hoe and chases Courtney into a deserted hallway, like stay in a group Courtney, how fucking hard is that? Cause now this man who moonlights as an ugly drag queen just threatened to kill Courtney’s WT mom.

Next we have a scene where Courtney and Pat argue about being superheroes again and their face wounds magically disappear, then reappear in the next scene. OOOO. Spooky.

Well they have to save WT mom’s life now, so Pat Robot goes down to meet Brain Wave and gets his ass handed to him. Until Star Girl shows up in her new slutty costume and beats the shit out of Brain Wave. Brain Wave eventually gets the upper hand and pins star girl down so she can’t reach her staff. You know the staff with a mind of it’s own that can fly? So the staff literally just felt like resting. I guess? This show is not good.

Pat shines a light on Brain Wave and apparently that’s his weakness. I should have known because he was so damn pale!!

brain wave
How come your son is hot if you look like that?

The light gives Star Girl time to grab her staff and shoot him in the face.

He probably could have died but since they’re “heroes” they bring the guy to the hospital.

So they won! It’s over. Yay!

Nope, cue new bad guy rolling into town.

Some other old white guy walks into this random building and he goes to check on a beast that’s been kept locked up in a cage. For how long, I do not know. But if this Beast man is your friend like you’re pretending he is, you probably should let him out of his jail cell. Anyways I think this white dude is, Icicle, the one who killed Star Man and maybe is also the Senator? White people all look the same. I swear it’s just the actor who played Brain Wave with a brown wig on.

The End! Until next week. I wish Luke Wilson didn’t have such expensive taste but I must keep them egg rolls on his plate.

lukewilson

 

Star-Girl Episode 1 Recap

I’m going to keep this short because Lord knows I can go on for hours with these mo-fucking recaps.

The CW is not something I watch on the daily, but as it is flooded with superhero content and has been for some time it seems like I’m a pretty lazy comic book blogger since this is the case. So here comes my first TV show recap. And I’m starting with the wonderful, Star Girl.

Now, did I want to watch this when I saw the trailer? No.

Do I want to keep watching it now that I’ve seen the first episode? Also No.

But will I be watching it in order to keep food on Luke Wilson’s table? Yes.

luke-wilson-e1566406612187
Look at the sadness in those eyes! He’s so hungry! Feed him! Someone feed him!

Speaking of Luke Wilson, he plays Stripsey, the sidekick to Star Man. What’s weird about that is, is that Stripsey was Star Man’s butler and five years his senior. He also has a flying car that blows up.

The beginning of this show is cool. It’s like a fight scene. Explosions. Bad guys VS good guys. There are lasers. Star Man gets stabbed really bad and then he tells Stripsey as he is dying that his staff will eventually go to someone worthy, and that worthy person is definitely not Stripsey. I guess they thought the dying scene between Stripsey and Star Man was funny but it wasn’t? So…Anyways Stripsey is all “You have to go to a hospital, man” and Star Man is all “What fucking superhero do you know goes to the fucking hospital let me die in your car as it blows up, how about that?”

Cut to: A little girl on Christmas Eve sad because her mom is leaving for work. Grow up, bitch. Parents have to work. Sorry you have to be with your rich best friend on Christmas Eve.

This selfish little girl grows up to be Courtney and Courtney’s mom, who is type-casted as a white trash diner waitress in every movie btw,  is dating Stripsey, who just goes by Pat now. Pat has a fat dog and a son who is really annoying and likes video games and science. So I guess he will be the Ron to Courtney’s Kim Possible? Except, like, they won’t make out. Hopefully.

kim_possible
Her pants hanging off always bothered me.

Also Courtney is like a gymnast or something.

They move to Nebraska for some reason and everyone in Nebraska is really nice to them except Courtney who goes to school and no one likes her. Which is so weird because she is a “regulation hottie” not a fucking nerd. But some old Asian bitch who must be a teacher because there’s no way that old bitch was in high school, decides to relegate Courtney to the table of “loners.”

The jocks come over to the table and try to see nude pictures of one of the hoes at her table. Courtney ends up standing up for  the girl who doesn’t want to show off her hoe pictures. Then the jocks are like “then we’ll take your phone, blondie” and she’s like what the fuck and pushes this dude and she gets in trouble because white men don’t get in trouble. Not in Nebraska anyway.

Later at dinner, the nerd son is like “I made friends.” And then the white trash mom is like “did you make friends, Courtney? It’s Friday. You should probably go hang out with someone. Like seriously, can you leave?”

So Courtney is like “okay, I’ll go to the basement since I have no friends.”

In the basement star man’s staff is there, blah blah blah. She goes to hang out with the sentient staff and they decide to blow up the jock from earlier’s car.

After Courtney blows up the car and beats the jock in the head with the sentient staff, satisfied, she decides to go home.

Stripsey grabs the staff from Courtney and is like “hey, that’s Star Man’s” And when it touches Stripsey it dies. Ooo. That means Courtney is worthy.

Courtney assumes that Star Man must be her dad because the staff works for her, and also because Pat shows her a picture of the JSA and the guy in her locket is the guy in the photo, so she finds her mom and is like, “is my dead dad a superhero?”

Which is a strange thing to ask your parent.

WT mom is like, “No. He showed up five times in your entire five years of living and one of those times was to shove his dick inside of me and forget to pull out. Trust me, if he was a hero, he would know how to pull out.”

mom
“Trust me.”

UGH IT’S NOT OVER.

The jock who got his car blew tells his daddy, and his daddy is clearly a super villain and I’m not just saying that because he’s a rich, white man. He wears circular wire rim glasses. Yeah. Their conversation goes like this:

“Daddy, a girl beat me up with a glowing stick! WAHH!”

“Tell me more about this glowing stick, who was the person wielding it? Did they perhaps have a star on the front of their shirt?”

“What, um no, it was dark, are you mad I stole and then blew up your car?”

“Hmm, what? Oh, no. It was insured for twice what it was worth, you have made me richer with your stupidity. Goodbye, if you learn anything from this exchange it is that you never have to take responsibility for your actions because anything you do is fine!”

Then the dad goes into his closet and opens it and there inside is the tackiest green, leather dress I have ever seen.

Screenshot 2020-05-20 at 3.00.55 PM
Please, go back and change.

Later at Courtney’s house the staff wakes her up to go play again and luckily she is sleeping in bed fully clothed with the jeans and t-shirt and zip-up hoodie she was wearing earlier. Who sleeps like that?

Anyways, they get on a roof and she does treats the staff like it’s a pair of uneven bars or a pommel horse. Then an unknown entity begins to telekinetic-ally beat the shit out of her. She is thrown into a fence and then into a pile of tires.

The telekinetic guy is the one who wears the ugly green dress. And he tries to read her thoughts, but she slaps him with the staff. Then he starts shucking giant tires at her which she slaps out of the park with the Staff like she’s fucking Aaron Judge.

Then a giant robot comes to save her.

THE END.

What did you guys think of Star Girl? Did you hate it as much as I did? Will you continue to watch for sad Luke Wilson? Will this show be canceled in the middle of the season, or will they let it go on for it’s full run? All these answers and more will be revealed as 2020 continues to drag on trying to give 2016 a goddamn run for its mother fucking money.