Star-Girl Episode 1 Recap

I’m going to keep this short because Lord knows I can go on for hours with these mo-fucking recaps.

The CW is not something I watch on the daily, but as it is flooded with superhero content and has been for some time it seems like I’m a pretty lazy comic book blogger since this is the case. So here comes my first TV show recap. And I’m starting with the wonderful, Star Girl.

Now, did I want to watch this when I saw the trailer? No.

Do I want to keep watching it now that I’ve seen the first episode? Also No.

But will I be watching it in order to keep food on Luke Wilson’s table? Yes.

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Look at the sadness in those eyes! He’s so hungry! Feed him! Someone feed him!

Speaking of Luke Wilson, he plays Stripsey, the sidekick to Star Man. What’s weird about that is, is that Stripsey was Star Man’s butler and five years his senior. He also has a flying car that blows up.

The beginning of this show is cool. It’s like a fight scene. Explosions. Bad guys VS good guys. There are lasers. Star Man gets stabbed really bad and then he tells Stripsey as he is dying that his staff will eventually go to someone worthy, and that worthy person is definitely not Stripsey. I guess they thought the dying scene between Stripsey and Star Man was funny but it wasn’t? So…Anyways Stripsey is all “You have to go to a hospital, man” and Star Man is all “What fucking superhero do you know goes to the fucking hospital let me die in your car as it blows up, how about that?”

Cut to: A little girl on Christmas Eve sad because her mom is leaving for work. Grow up, bitch. Parents have to work. Sorry you have to be with your rich best friend on Christmas Eve.

This selfish little girl grows up to be Courtney and Courtney’s mom, who is type-casted as a white trash diner waitress in every movie btw,  is dating Stripsey, who just goes by Pat now. Pat has a fat dog and a son who is really annoying and likes video games and science. So I guess he will be the Ron to Courtney’s Kim Possible? Except, like, they won’t make out. Hopefully.

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Her pants hanging off always bothered me.

Also Courtney is like a gymnast or something.

They move to Nebraska for some reason and everyone in Nebraska is really nice to them except Courtney who goes to school and no one likes her. Which is so weird because she is a “regulation hottie” not a fucking nerd. But some old Asian bitch who must be a teacher because there’s no way that old bitch was in high school, decides to relegate Courtney to the table of “loners.”

The jocks come over to the table and try to see nude pictures of one of the hoes at her table. Courtney ends up standing up for  the girl who doesn’t want to show off her hoe pictures. Then the jocks are like “then we’ll take your phone, blondie” and she’s like what the fuck and pushes this dude and she gets in trouble because white men don’t get in trouble. Not in Nebraska anyway.

Later at dinner, the nerd son is like “I made friends.” And then the white trash mom is like “did you make friends, Courtney? It’s Friday. You should probably go hang out with someone. Like seriously, can you leave?”

So Courtney is like “okay, I’ll go to the basement since I have no friends.”

In the basement star man’s staff is there, blah blah blah. She goes to hang out with the sentient staff and they decide to blow up the jock from earlier’s car.

After Courtney blows up the car and beats the jock in the head with the sentient staff, satisfied, she decides to go home.

Stripsey grabs the staff from Courtney and is like “hey, that’s Star Man’s” And when it touches Stripsey it dies. Ooo. That means Courtney is worthy.

Courtney assumes that Star Man must be her dad because the staff works for her, and also because Pat shows her a picture of the JSA and the guy in her locket is the guy in the photo, so she finds her mom and is like, “is my dead dad a superhero?”

Which is a strange thing to ask your parent.

WT mom is like, “No. He showed up five times in your entire five years of living and one of those times was to shove his dick inside of me and forget to pull out. Trust me, if he was a hero, he would know how to pull out.”

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“Trust me.”

UGH IT’S NOT OVER.

The jock who got his car blew tells his daddy, and his daddy is clearly a super villain and I’m not just saying that because he’s a rich, white man. He wears circular wire rim glasses. Yeah. Their conversation goes like this:

“Daddy, a girl beat me up with a glowing stick! WAHH!”

“Tell me more about this glowing stick, who was the person wielding it? Did they perhaps have a star on the front of their shirt?”

“What, um no, it was dark, are you mad I stole and then blew up your car?”

“Hmm, what? Oh, no. It was insured for twice what it was worth, you have made me richer with your stupidity. Goodbye, if you learn anything from this exchange it is that you never have to take responsibility for your actions because anything you do is fine!”

Then the dad goes into his closet and opens it and there inside is the tackiest green, leather dress I have ever seen.

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Please, go back and change.

Later at Courtney’s house the staff wakes her up to go play again and luckily she is sleeping in bed fully clothed with the jeans and t-shirt and zip-up hoodie she was wearing earlier. Who sleeps like that?

Anyways, they get on a roof and she does treats the staff like it’s a pair of uneven bars or a pommel horse. Then an unknown entity begins to telekinetic-ally beat the shit out of her. She is thrown into a fence and then into a pile of tires.

The telekinetic guy is the one who wears the ugly green dress. And he tries to read her thoughts, but she slaps him with the staff. Then he starts shucking giant tires at her which she slaps out of the park with the Staff like she’s fucking Aaron Judge.

Then a giant robot comes to save her.

THE END.

What did you guys think of Star Girl? Did you hate it as much as I did? Will you continue to watch for sad Luke Wilson? Will this show be canceled in the middle of the season, or will they let it go on for it’s full run? All these answers and more will be revealed as 2020 continues to drag on trying to give 2016 a goddamn run for its mother fucking money.

 

Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Ooowweee!!  It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

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A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

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Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

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Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

 

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

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They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

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You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

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I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

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She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch

Far Sector Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Sup betches.

I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.

For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!

Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to  “the edge of the universe.”

This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.

The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.

SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.

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omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!! 

ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.

GL Betch  is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.

Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”

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IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!

So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.

The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.

She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”

The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.

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I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.

Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.

The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.

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Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair? 

Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.

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Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?

Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”

And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”

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Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.

So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.

NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?

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Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.

They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”

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So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.

GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.

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HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!

Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!

So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.

None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.

So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”

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Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.

GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”

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I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.

You go, Glenn Coco.

Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.

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My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics

After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.

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Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.

She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.

She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”

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A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM. 

They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOW!

Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!

I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!

What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!

Thank for reading,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Betch.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy #1 Recap

Hola. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.

I’m in a mood today.

A mixed emotional one because I’m reviewing a comic book about two bad bitches that I love. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.

I’m not crazy into DC stuff as we all know. I’m like a total hipster now because I’m not all about the mainstream anymore.

My cat is currently going buckwild on my pumpkin decorations.

Yeah, um anyways. THIS IS A 6-ISSUE MINI SERIES BY JODY HOUSER, ADRIANA MELO, MARK MORALES, and HI-FI

The mini series begin with a prologue by Harley. Harley ponders back on her wonderful friendship with Ivy, and remembers when Ivy died in Heroes in Crisis. Luckily, Ivy gave Harley a flower and she grew from the flower. Because that’s normal and fine. And JUST TAKE IT OKAY?

 

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Why is that bed so firm?? Are they sleeping on wooden planks?

 

So they’re like chillin at a diner or something and some annoying ass kid is like “Why is Poison Ivy naked and green?”

So Harley yells at the kid and they decide to go shopping so Ivy can get a new outfit. But in the dressing room she like became this nasty ass clump of green mess.

 

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New look, same bangs.

 

So Harley takes her home in a bag and then sends her to bed. Then Harley grabs some box from her basement and we get a flashback of where she got said box which was from some bitch-ass robot.

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Why is he carrying it like that? That could get knocked out of his arms so damn quick??

 

So she takes this box she had in the basement and goes to Ivy’s room and tells her that its a brand new delivery from Lex Luthor. It is fertilizer with a note that says it will help her. Ivy takes it and eats it or something but Harley has a “bad feeling” well if that isn’t a dead giveaway then IDK what the fuck is.

So then Harley goes to her room to cry about how she didn’t get a present from Lex Luthor and then Ivy goes to take a nap and cocoon herself inside all of the bushes in her room.

They wake up the next day and Ivy has clothes on and Harley is excited that she looks better. She wonders if the fertilizer worked but Ivy said not all of her powers were restored.

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WHY IS THE COFFEE SMOKING LIKE THAT

Ivy says she needs to go live somewhere else because, although Harley put a bunch of plants all over the place, she needs more. So Harley said they’ll go together but their next move should be that they become heroes. She came up with this idea while asleep because Flash killed Ivy last time and he’s a good guy so Harley has decided the world is already broken if good guys are killing people so its no fun to break it anymore. Or at least that’s the bitch-ass cop-out reason the writer came up with.

Harley is bored and decides to become a hero. Poison Ivy has no mind of her own and follows Harley into the abyss.

K thanks.

Just when it was getting boring, the plant on Harley’s kitchen table comes alive and attacks her. Harley is like wtf, Ivy? And Ivy is all “It’s not me!” Then they’re all “then who?”

And then we find out… It’s some bitch boy.

 

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You can place flowers on any part of your body and you opt for a fucking shawl??

 

So this bitch boy who is a DRAMATIC AF jerk is like “Hey Ivy, the Parliamant of Flowers is in my grasp.” And Ivy is like “You’re not their champion. I am.”

And then Bitch Boy says ” I’m going to make use of you and TAKE the power.”

OOOOO! Wonder what will happen next! Well we don’t have to wait because issue #2 is already fucking out. But I’m a lazy ass bitch and I only posted this recap today!!

HOW DID YOU LIKE ISSUE #1?? Are you sticking around for Issue 2?? What do you think of Bitch Boy???