Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

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Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

lion
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

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“I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

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Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

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Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

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Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Keeping hope alive for a crossover. 

 

 

 

 

 

New Thunderbolts Issue #1 Recap

Okay, let’s be real. I’ve never been on top of new releases anyway, but it’s especially hard to be on top of them when comic book shops are closed down and the only publisher still coming out with new issues is DC. This is fine though, take this time in qurantine to read all of the comic books you’ve always wanted to. Like Saga, if you haven’t read Saga yet, you are in for a real treatymctreaterson.

Or maybe you’re like me, and you haven’t read the New Thunderbolts. WELL IN THAT CASE THIS IS OUR TIME! And if you don’t feel like investing your $2.99 into a new comic book that you don’t know is good yet, allow me to recap the issue for free so you can decide for yourself! Wow, I’m really doing a service to everyone affected by COVID-19.

So, like, I remember when the New Avengers formed and it was at a prison of all places and they formed because just a bunch of heroes were in one place and took down some baddies together and they were like, hey, we should do this again, sometime?

That didn’t happen here. Instead it started with Mach IV previously, the Beetle, saying he was going to do something and then he proceeded to not do anything for MONTHS.

RELATABLE AF.

But, he finally decides to do some shit like stopping Songbird on her college campus and asking her to join and there’s a lot of talk. When she gets there she gets pissed off that Blizzard is on the team because Songbird apparently hates him? Maybe she’s a big Iron Man fan. IDK.

She gets so excited to see Erik aka Atlas. But he’s not on the “team-team” because he doesn’t have Pym particles, but Atlas AKA Erik Josten is still there for team spirit and also to be around his OTP – Songbird and Mach IV.

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This interest in their relationship gets much weirder later.

Right away they get a 911 call which is great because THEY HAVE TALKED SOO MUCH AND ABOUT NOTHING!

WE GET IT SONGBIRD AND MACH IV FUCKED.

They get downtown in a Jet which is immediately destroyed. I don’t know why I capitalized the “J” in jet but I’m leaving it. Anyways, they’re fighting underwater creature people who want everyone who breathes air to die, but lyke, what are YOU breathing then, hoe? YOU ON THE SURFACE NOW GREEN MAN!

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His underwear look saggy.

So,yeah they’re kinda getting overpowered because there are a lot of sea creatures luckily Captain Marvel (dude not girl) shows up to save the mutha fuckin day.

Some people are very happy about it (Songbird) some people (ATLAS) believe that Captain Marvel’s show of heroics may endanger the rocky bond of his OTP!!

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A giant naked man flopping his dick around NYC and yet New Yorkers have still seen weirder.

So, after Atlas beats Captain Marvel into a bloody mass he decides to throw his bloody corpse into the sea. Mach IV calls him up and asks if Atlas and Marv need help because he’s far away and didn’t see Atlas beat the snot out of Captain Marvel. SO!

Atlas is all, “nah we’re totes fine. Marv went and flew away! Crazy right? Also, we did NOT lose the villian we were carrying. She DID NOT jump into the sea from whence she came. So DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT AND CERTAINLY DON’T PREPARE FOR IT, OKAY, HEHEH. Bai.”

After that lie, Atlas becomes normal sized and puts some ripped fabric around his waist because his dick shrunk and he doesn’t want anyone to see. BUT SOMEONE DOES SEE.

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Oh, no! Someone saw my regular sized dick!

Back at the homebase Atlas makes up a new and better lie about the events that unfolded. He says that the villian he let go actually dragged Captain Marvel into the water! TWO BIRDS ONE STONE.

Songbird is all “But, like, why wouldn’t you call us? He obviously needed help and you told no one. He was hot and if he is dead I’m going to go insane.”

So Atlas is all “He’s underwater, he’ll be fine the guy lives in space!”

Everyone: Yeah, the guy who just saved the world got sucked into the ocean by a villain, stop worrying, Songbird. It all sounds very sincere.

MACH IV: Yeah, so I need to get a new jet so I’m going to go talk to our financial backer.

Everyone: Thanks Machy! Billionaires are all very good people with only the best intentions! I’m sure nothing out of the ordinary will happen at your meeting!

So, I think we know where this is about to go.

The financial backer turns out to be none other than Baron Strucker, a super villain, “former” nazi (do you ever stop being a nazi?), and a leader of hydra! WHAT A RESUME! Under special skills he has listed: Owns the Body and Soul of Abner Jenkins AKA Mach IV.

Wow, just wow. Give that man a raise.

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Butt-Chin.

THE END.

I am going to give this New Thunderbolts run a go, who’s with me?? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!

 

 

 

Pandemica Issue #2 Recap

We’re back for round 2.

The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.

In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.

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Ooo a skylight! Fancy!

They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.

What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.

Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?

Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”

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How many deaths do you think, these two are responsible for? Ironic.

Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.

The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.

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I like this panel because the blood from the guys head keeps dripping down and then Chick says this insane thing. Which I am going to start saying all the time.

De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.

Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.

De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.

Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.

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Me and Loverboy are the bestest friends.

Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.

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Yum.

CUT TO:

INT: The Ark – Day

The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.

Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?

Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.

Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.

Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.

ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.

Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-

ED: I’m not understanding.

Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.

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I think you mean, Mudblood, Dad.

We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.

These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.

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Other than not being cute and causing riots, I am unsure of what they do.

The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”

De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.

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PIZZAA!!!!!!!

Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.

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Hey, nobody said racists were smart, ok?

Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.

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Ruh-Roh!

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

Don’t trust gingers.

K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!

XOXO,

Comic Book Betch.

 

Comic Book Recap: Hit-Girl #3

Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.

Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.

The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.

Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.

ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.

She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”

Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.

Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”

 

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Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.

Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”

Which is probably true.

Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”

So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!

 

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Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.

Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.

Mano is in a mood though.

Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL

Which is very true.

So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.

She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.

He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”

So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.

Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.

So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.

He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”

Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”

FAIR.

The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”

BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.

 

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She gets it.

So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.

This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.

 

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I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.

Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.

ANYWAYS.

Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.

 

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BABY!

 

 

So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.

Hit-Girl is dead.

She was only human after all.

JUST KIDDING.

She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.

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Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.

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So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????

Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.

She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.

But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

 

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No, I don’t.

YIKES

Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL L.

So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.

Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.

 

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Hello, Felicia.

She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.

Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.

The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”

And she’s all “yup.”

Bitch hadda good plan B.

They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.

I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.

So what’s next??

 

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EVERYONE.

EVERYONE IS NEXT.

YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.