Moth & Whisper comic book recap issue #1

This is gonna be a fun one, guys.

I know this one has been out for a few months. The current issue out right now is #3, but I only recap #1 comic books so…yeah, I’m gonna do that.

Moth & Whisper by one of my new favorites, Aftershock comics, is about two thieves. It was written by Ted Anderson with art done by Jen Hickman, I should also mention they were co-creators/collaborators. So yeah.

You what’s wrong with your shoulder?

The comic book begins by introducing the two super thieves, Moth & Whisper.

It goes on to explain that Moth is a chick who can change faces and steal people’s things by bumping into them and then turning into a new person so you can’t find her. She leaves behind a calling card which is of a Moth.

Dis her
Dis her too

Whisper works just as well and in a similar manner except no one has ever seen his face. True or fake, they literally don’t even know he was there. Sometimes the only way you knew who you were robbed by because he would leave behind a calling card of a skull with a hand over his mouth. He also exposed government secrets so that was his thing apparently.

Excuse me sir, you ain’t holding on to your shit correctly

After we get introduced to these thieves we move to a new set of what seems like the bad guys. They’re insulting each other and talking about owning the black market on firearms. So yeah definitely bad guys. And most likely European. Because who needs a black market when anyone get a gun in America? No matter your criminal background, psychological background, or what have you, you can just get a gun. A machine gun even! If you can afford military grade weapons then by George you can get one!!

Nice scarf! Ooo hey someone is watching you!

I digress.

Back to Moth & Whisper. These thieves had no ties and they would steal from anyone who paid them. They had even been told to steal from each other. However no one had heard of them or seen a calling card from them in 6 months and people believed that they were gone and there was no one who could ever replace them.

In the next scene we see a woman behind a man and she is talking to him. She has just slipped some important files into his pocket. He is like “thanks, so you’re moth? You don’t look how I thought you would.” And she’s like “yeah.” Then he goes, “well let me get you the rest of your payment…” And she’s like “already got it, peace out.” And he’s like “wait up did you read what is on these files.” And she’s like “Um, no. It’s not my business.” Then she ducks out and changes outfits/faces/hair/everything. She emerges as the Whisper.

I can see you!!!

The Whisper has been hired by a seedy looking bunch. And the main guy is like “where’s my shit?” Whisper hands it over and the guy is like “Weird you took this job since last time you got into a firefight (whatever that is) with half my guys.” Whisper is like fuck. The main guy goes on to say that Whisper sold the details of his convoy to this guy’s rivals. Whisper is like hmm double fuck, “How do you know I was the leak?” The main guy is like “shut up, you’re caught. Then there is this bright white light and a bunch of smoke and the henchmen all scramble around to find the Whisper. However, Ol’ Whispy took a dude hostage and is about to get away.

Hugs for everyone! No? Just this guy then!

The Whisper shoots some people and runs the heck out of there. Once outside he calls on his suit to make an emergency change as he runs out into the streets.

Omg where are your pants??

The henchmen run out after the Whisper and find nothing. She already turned and jumped onto the subway. BYE FELICIA! DON’T WAIT UP!

Anyways this girl who is both the Moth & Whisper is on the subway thinking to herself about how badly she fucked up. She’s like “I should’ve known Haag was after Whisper. I gave away the drive without getting payment first, I’m a fucking idiot.” I’ll say.

She heads back to a safe house that is creepy AF.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a pair of bike shorts? You are not a Kardashian. This makes no sense to me.

Once inside, she tells the suit to remove itself from her body and put her back to normal. And as she removes her mask, she wonders how her mom and dad did all this thievin so good!

As legend would have it the Moth & Whisper are enemies but its not true. They were partners/lovers and they ended up having a child with blonde hair which makes absolutely no sense because Moth is black and Whisper is a white person with black hair. Look at the kid.

I wish I had a suit that told me to eat all the time.

Now look at the parents

Maybe they adopted? Adoption is normal.

WHY IS THE CHILD BLONDE?!

Anyways as Niki eats her fucking Top Ramen she replays an old video that her parents left her in that old “In case we go missing please watch” bags.

Basically in the video Niki’s parents tell her to stay in the safe house and not to go looking for them and that they will be back at some point. As it seems at this point they’ve been gone for six months. Shit is crazy. And now Niki is dawning Moth’s costume and doing some crazy ass shit for no reason. I guess if the kid isn’t in school she needs a hobby so whatever, I will not fault her this time.

Her parents left behind all these files on bad guys as well as a suit that allows Niki to go out and be whoever she wants, as well as a shit ton of weapons and some money, so apparently they want her to be them? IDK it seems like bad parenting but also there would be no book if the kid was just like “wow I have super spies for parents, okay night night.” END OF SERIES.

So Niki decides since she has all this crap and nothing but time she might as well find out who adult-napped her parents. Niki believes that the only person who has enough resources and hate against both spies is a man named Ambrose Wolfe so that is her target.

Interesting choice for a haircut, henchman with two fat triangles on your head.

He seems like a charming enough guy but Niki isn’t into him. She says her parents would never work for the guy because he was so awful. Ya know human trafficking and stealing organs is kinda weird. But anyways we leave on this powerful note.

I’m shaking

V Cool. V exciting. I wonder if her parents are going to come back or if they’re dead? I will be very disappointed if they are dead just because I would like to read a comic book about them. Maybe they will come out with a prequel and that would be very fun for me.

Anyways what did y’all think of this here comic book? YAY OR NAY? Let me know in the comments section!

Comic Book Recap: Hit-Girl #3

Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.

Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.

The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.

Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.

ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.

She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”

Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.

Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”

 

Screenshot 2018-04-27 at 11.04.06 PM
Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.

Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”

Which is probably true.

Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”

So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!

 

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Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.

Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.

Mano is in a mood though.

Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL

Which is very true.

So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.

She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.

He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”

So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.

Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.

So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.

He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”

Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”

FAIR.

The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”

BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 12.59.33 AM
She gets it.

So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.

This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.

 

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I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.

Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.

ANYWAYS.

Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.09.49 AM
BABY!

 

 

So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.

Hit-Girl is dead.

She was only human after all.

JUST KIDDING.

She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.

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Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.13.23 AM

 

 

 

 

So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????

Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.

She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.

But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.20.00 AM
No, I don’t.

YIKES

Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL L.

So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.

Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.22.47 AM
Hello, Felicia.

She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.

Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.

The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”

And she’s all “yup.”

Bitch hadda good plan B.

They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.

I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.

So what’s next??

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.26.45 AM.png
EVERYONE.

EVERYONE IS NEXT.

YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.

 

 

 

Hit-Girl #2 Comic Book Review

As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.

Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 10.51.08 PM

That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?

Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.

HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.

I just had a thought.

What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.

In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.

 

hit girl is attacked by leopard
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?

 

A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”

 

killing beautiful animals
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact? 

 

Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.01.19 PM
That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.

 

Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.

We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.

 

You’re welcome, friend.

 

 

If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.

Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.

Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?

HG: You don’t wanna know.

It’s Jorge.

 

happier
Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.

 

ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.

Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.

Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”

SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.19.29 PM
“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.

 

Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.

Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.21.59 PM
Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???

 

The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.

He killed her son.

Spoiler.

More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.

Good Idea.

I mean, obviously not the best idea.

But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.

I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!

Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!

What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.

 

Rogue & Gambit

I know guys. Hold your applause.

I went to my local comic book store for the first time in at least a few months and it was just so exciting to be inside one again. I usually get my comic books off of the Marvel app and before that was Comixology. Anyways, I went in and they were open an extra hour longer than usual because it was Wednesday. (New Comic Book day for any n00bs out there.) And lucky for me because they usually close at 7 pm and I came waltzing in at 7:15. They had some good shit, but not as good as my old comic book store in NYC. I recently moved to Chicago and these stores are nothing like Forbidden Planet, but really who could compare to that store? I am just grateful this one is in walking distance from my stately manse where I reside in the town of boys.

Also! I took a weird way home today after my visit and found another comic book shop within walking distance so I will have to check out that place next Wednesday. I think I might start buying paperbacks only again, I go through phases of digital and paper. But how will I ever sell my comic book collection to make my first movie a la Kevin Smith if I only have digital copies of shit?

Okay, sorry about that “dear diary” bull sh*t. Let’s get into it.

FIRST OF ALL, Kelly Thompson wrote this shit, so I have high expectations okurr? I’m also digging the art so shouts to the artist, Pere Perez, too.

This story starts with a brief, but beautiful collection of art that depicts the past tumultuous romance between Rogue and Gambit.

IMG_0957
Aww! She’s gonna punch him!

#TrueLove

We get a brief prologue of a few rando mutants who are for some reason running low on their powers and running away from something scary chasing them. We don’t get to see what is chasing them because allofasudden we’re on the next page and good ol’ Storm is sitting at the control of the danger room in full costume.

storm in full costume
“Ayy, nice cape.” “Ditto.”

I’ll never understand capes.

They don’t seem conducive for hand-to-hand combat, but I can see why they might be necessary for someone like Storm, because she basically wears a bathing suit as her costume, so if she gets cold she can use it as a blanket. Gambit is another story entirely.

So, Gambit comes strolling into the control room and he calls Storm “Stormy.” You know like the porn star that Trump had an affair with, or if you prefer like the baby Kylie Jenner birthed, whom she named after a porn star. ALL NORMAL THINGS.

Storm is like “don’t call me that you fu*king goon.” Then Gambit is all “No.” Then Storm is like “Rogue is in the danger room playing with Sentinals” So Gambit responds in the most Gambit-y way ever,

“Deal me in.”

Swoon.

He joins Pixie, Psylocke, Armor, and Rogue in the danger room. They fight this thing for what I imagine is about 10 seconds before a Sentinal smashes Rogue into the ground and Gambit flips out. Everyone is like “She has the powers of a Kree, dummy, she can handle this shit.” But he still swoops in on her dramatically to show that he loves her.

 

Rogue-Gambit-1-2
Tell ‘im boy, bye

 

 

Why do dudes show up in your life like this all the time? What is going on in-between their relationship with the girl they always go back to? THAT’S what I want to know.

Armor is like, “this is awkward let’s get the heck out of here.” Then Pixie is a creep and a half and she’s like “omg this is so hot.” And Psylocke is like “Let me tell you all about their relationship, ladies.” So they leave them on the floor with their googly eyes staring at each other.

But, Rogue for some reason does not want to get laid this day, so she pushes him off of her and he follows her out. Then he invites her to dinner and Rogue is like “no, weeee are never ever ever getting back togetherrr!”

But he won’t stop hounding her because he has no respect for women, so she hits him with the “I can’t control my powers anymore so we can’t touch” And now I know why she doesn’t want to get laid today because she physically cannot. That’s a really great excuse if you’re Rogue though. “Sorry, I can’t date you because if I kiss you, I could kill you. Bye.” It’s like when a girl you’re trying to get with tells you she’s been on her period for two years.

Did you forget about the brief prologue with the rando mutants? Ya me too.

So here’s why that whole thing happened.

Kitty calls Rogue into her office and tells her about a mission she wants Rogue to go on.

A private retreat that promises to free mutants of their “Trauma” V suspicious.

Also, I should note that Kitty’s ponytail is gone. Great news because this woman has to be like 35 by now.

 

kitty-pryde
Where’s ur dragunnn?

 

The retreat is for mutant couples I guess, so that means Rogue and Gambit have to go. And it works extra well because it’s for couples with problems. Nice.

They fly out on a private jet with champagne, and we finally understand why Gambit has come back.

Rogue kissed Deadpool. Amazing. Gambit heard about it from the other mutants and his pride is very hurt because Deadpool “doesn’t even have a face.”

careful what you say friend
Careful what you say, friend.

Rogue is like “I did not kiss him, I made out with him. And it was awesome.”

I’ll bet. Ryan Reynolds with or without scars, I’ll take it.

So they land, and before I go on I have to talk about this bitch’s outfit. Thigh-high leather boots, leather gloves up to her armpits and a bright green mini dress. NO way is that the least bit attractive. Gambit is wearing a normal short sleeve button up, a fitted pair of shorts and reasonable sneakers. And they’re landing here undercover, that shit is not undercover Rogue! She looks like a sex worker. No offense to sex workers.

 

ho rogue
SRSLY?

 

Immediately upon landing, they meet this woman with a boring beige outfit who spices up her look with an ascot. Nice touch. And she senses their tension immediately, so the plan is working I guess.

They find their bungalow and it’s gorgeous. There’s champagne on the bed and you can see the ocean from the floor. They go outside and their neighbors swim over their gorgeous bungalow to say hello. They make plans to go for drinks later and Rogue is like “there’s something off about them, they’re nice.”

 

mind control
Bitch, they can hear you.

 

Fair assumption.

Gambit calls her cynical, but that’s because he’s dumb.

They head to their therapy session and Remy is like, “Rogue, this could really help us. I want to be with you, but you need to want to be with me, too.” And “Rogue is like, we’ll see.”

Then This Happens.

 

then this happens
Nice chest, also great rack. #equality

 

I can’t wait to read #2! Then #3 and I think that’s as far as it is out right now, but I’m not sure. I’m way late on this. If you’re not reading this series, I heard it only gets better and better. Also, let’s support Kelly Thompson as she is becoming a literal hero of mine and my favorite storyteller at Marvel.

Next Week – It’s Old Man Hawkeye #1. Cause you know how much I love Hawkeye. 🙂

 

 

Sentry

So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.

Probably.

This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.

Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.

Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.

His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.

I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.

He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.

So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.

IMG_0902

He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”

So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.

In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.

He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-

 

IMG_0905
PRESH!

 

After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.

He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.

 

old suit
Fatty.

 

He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”

Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.

But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.

He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.

So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.

 

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Rare pic of the “confluctor”

 

He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.

 

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Bad doggie, no!

 

So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”

And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.

His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.

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Trigger warning.

Did I say that too late?

Probably.

Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”

And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”

And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.

So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.

 

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Kinda still limp over there…

 

Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.

Oh yeah her name is Lindy.

Dumb fucking name.

Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.

So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.

 

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YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD A STAPLE YA FOOL?

 

Then he takes off, flying into the air.

So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.

I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.

ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.

Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?

Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.

That is all.