This week sooo many new #1 comic books came out. It’s been hard narrowing down my choice of which one to recap but since I’ve been on an Image/Vertigo/Other kick I decided on the Exorsisters!
These hoes were written by Ian Boothby with art by Gisele Lagace and the cover art by Pia Guerra. (Just one of the variant artists)
The cover shows a pair of sisters surrounded by demons in what looks like Hell. I know the feeling esp on a Saturday night at 3am and you and your bestie are unattached.
In another cover by Gisele Lagace, you can see that this wacky duo are total opposites. One holds a book, wears her hair in a pristine bun, and is fond of demure skirts. The other has messy, long hair, and strums a guitar while wearing denim shorts and fishnet tights. Such a rebel.
We begin at a horrible outdoor wedding where SURPRISE two white people are getting married.
Just before they get to exchange their vows, chains appear around the dude and the devil appears with two toads. The devil proclaims that “Glenn Webber,” the white guy obv, has to go to hell. The chick, Gloria, tries unsuccessfully to free Glenn from the chains. None of the guests do anything at the wedding.
Cue the Exorsisters. Gloria calls in the twins and explains to them what happened. As it turns out, all of her wedding guests think that she was just left at the altar and have no recollection of the incident. “Father Manny” who was marrying them, apparently believes Gloria though he did not see anything either. He says the believes Gloria because he has met the Exorsisters before and knows that this kinda shit happens all the time.
Cate, of the Exorsisters, listens diligently to the story as her sister, Kate, chugs multiple bottles of champagne.
Cate gets down on the ground and smells the sulfur of a demon and believes Gloria despite no one else witnessing the scene. Kate helps herself to the cake.
Cate asks for access to the fiancee’s computer and Gloria brings the girls to her house.
While Kate and Cate go through the computer they immediately look for porn and find none. Which they find to be quite weird.
It turns out he was on a few message boards which is where most demons spend their time. Agreed.
They find out that he was unhappy with his boss, which Gloria reveals can’t be right because they own a real estate business together and she’s technically the president.
Cate is like well, I’m probs wrong. Then Kate is like, get some sleep you look terrible.
I’m beginning to like these characters.
We get introduced to some other character.
SPOILER ALERT: She is the worst and gets her bottle of Jack.
Back at the offices of Harrow & Harrow, the (K)Cates are getting to work. After they feed their fish who are on fire first though. Good pet moms.
Kate creates a door to the demon dimension, which I guess is Hell, and says she can only do it once because she’s still drunk from the champagne.
They each crawl through the tiny door to the dark dimension and Cate falls into the mouth or asshole of some sort of round creature. There is a hole. No one is sure what its for.
Kate is like “hey you should spit out my sister”
But it’s too late because Cate has already stabbed her way out of the creature.
They stumble around the demon dimension and check some things out.
Cate tells Kate to do a summoning spell, and instead Kate just screams into hell “Hey has anyone seen Glenn Webber?!!!”
They are standing on top of an eye and the eye threatens them to eternal damnation if they don’t get out.
So they stomp on the eye and the eye is like “ow” then turns into a eye-man in a suit. Like he is just an eyeball with a body.
He knows them and tells the girls that he doesn’t know anything but he will ask around. He’s afraid of them so the does it and comes back later with no information and offers that the guy might be in limbo or in heaven.
The (K)Cate’s contemplate this and Kate thinks that Gloria was just nuts and thinks her fiancee was taken by a demon but was actually just left at the altar like all her guests thought. Cate does not believe this though, because she felt real pain from Gloria, not craziness.
Then they run into a demon with a dress on and are like “Eyeball man, what the fuck is that?” And the eyeball man is like “Oh yeah he fucked up. He tried to possess a little girl and did that spell wrong so now she controls him.” Which is like so much more fun than what we’re reading! Where the hell is that story?!
The demon-girl asks them for a tea party, however the twins decline but offer eyeball man instead who enters into her little den unwillingly.
The twins head back home but Kate’s ass is too fat to get back into the office.
The twins call Gloria and take her to one of her real estate houses.
Gloria is like why the fuck are we here. This house is impossible to sell. So, Cate is all yeah, but Glenn wasn’t in hell so that means he is somewhere else. And the somewhere else is this house.
They enter the house and find Glenn immediately. Gloria is so happy that he is alive and hugs him. He ain’t into it though.
The twins find open another door and find a demon and explain to Gloria that Glenn had made a deal with this hoe-ass demon who feeds on sorrow. So Glenn came up with a plan to leave Gloria at the altar and her sorrow would be how the demon got fed for months, maybe years, and in return the demon gave Glenn lots of money.
The demon had created the image of Glenn being taken to hell and showed the guests at her wedding that she simply got left. Noice.
This whole comic book is becoming very Scooby-Doo like. I’m waitin for Glenn to say “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”
Scooby-Doo is a genius show btw. No disrespect. That shit was the best part of my childhood.
So this is weird, but apparently the demon can give Glenn powers too as well as money and Glenn decides to turn on the girls and kill them.
Except he doesn’t have powers anymore because Gloria is just pissed off now and not sad. And as the powers disappear the money disappears as well.
Glenn starts crying and the demon decides to eat off of his sorrow instead. Gloria and the twins leave the demon and sad fuck be.
As a thank you present, Gloria presents the twins with all of her wedding presents. Which is like so dumb. I would abso-fucking-lutely keep those presents if I was the one left at the altar. A margarita machine is so much better than a man anyway. I mean does anyone get married for any other reason than tax breaks and biscuit warmers? I wanna know!
Just as Kate begins to make a daiquiri, margarita, and pina colada hybrid in her new blender, a knock at the door surprises them both.
Cate goes to answer the door and it’s the woman who got her own scene in the middle of the comic book. Now it all makes sense. Turns out its Cate’s mom and she also blows open a secret the (K)Cate’s have been keeping from us all issue, THAT KATE IS CATE’S SOUL NOT HER SISTER.
It would be more fun if they were sisters, right? No? But why is Cate’s soul so different than her? Why is the soul her opposite? And wouldn’t your soul be the good one, not the drunk whore? OKAY NOW I’M CONVINCED. I do want to know more. I think I’ll check out #2 cause I think it’s gonna be good.
And yeah the whole “the world is ending” thing their mom said is not as big of deal as finding out they’re not sisters. Because as 97% of scientists have agreed the world is about to see apocalyptic levels of fire, flooding, and famine in 2040.
OKAY ON THAT NOTE, LOVE YOU BYE! 💕