Exorsisters Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

This week sooo many new #1 comic books came out. It’s been hard narrowing down my choice of which one to recap but since I’ve been on an Image/Vertigo/Other kick I decided on the Exorsisters!

These hoes were written by Ian Boothby with art by Gisele Lagace and the cover art by Pia Guerra. (Just one of the variant artists)

The cover shows a pair of sisters surrounded by demons in what looks like Hell. I know the feeling esp on a Saturday night at 3am and you and your bestie are unattached.

In another cover by Gisele Lagace, you can see that this wacky duo are total opposites. One holds a book, wears her hair in a pristine bun, and is fond of demure skirts. The other has messy, long hair, and strums a guitar while wearing denim shorts and fishnet tights. Such a rebel.

ANYWAYS.

We begin at a horrible outdoor wedding where SURPRISE two white people are getting married.

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Can I get a Hallelujah!

Just before they get to exchange their vows, chains appear around the dude and the devil appears with two toads. The devil proclaims that “Glenn Webber,” the white guy obv, has to go to hell. The chick, Gloria, tries unsuccessfully to free Glenn from the chains. None of the guests do anything at the wedding.

Cue the Exorsisters. Gloria calls in the twins and explains to them what happened. As it turns out, all of her wedding guests think that she was just left at the altar and have no recollection of the incident. “Father Manny” who was marrying them, apparently believes Gloria though he did not see anything either. He says the believes Gloria because he has met the Exorsisters before and knows that this kinda shit happens all the time.

Cate, of the Exorsisters, listens diligently to the story as her sister, Kate, chugs multiple bottles of champagne.

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me at any wedding tbh

Cate gets down on the ground and smells the sulfur of a demon and believes Gloria despite no one else witnessing the scene. Kate helps herself to the cake.

Cate asks for access to the fiancee’s computer and Gloria brings the girls to her house.

While Kate and Cate go through the computer they immediately look for porn and find none. Which they find to be quite weird.

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maybe Glenn is asexual?

It turns out he was on a few message boards which is where most demons spend their time. Agreed.

They find out that he was unhappy with his boss, which Gloria reveals can’t be right because they own a real estate business together and she’s technically the president.

Cate is like well, I’m probs wrong. Then Kate is like, get some sleep you look terrible.

I’m beginning to like these characters.

MEANWHILE

We get introduced to some other character.

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She’s fun!

SPOILER ALERT: She is the worst and gets her bottle of Jack.

Back at the offices of Harrow & Harrow, the (K)Cates are getting to work. After they feed their fish who are on fire first though. Good pet moms.

Kate creates a door to the demon dimension, which I guess is Hell, and says she can only do it once because she’s still drunk from the champagne.

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Hey, she made a door to a demon dimension. Idc how big it is. I am impressed.

They each crawl through the tiny door to the dark dimension and Cate falls into the mouth or asshole of some sort of round creature. There is a hole. No one is sure what its for.

Kate is like “hey you should spit out my sister”

But it’s too late because Cate has already stabbed her way out of the creature.

They stumble around the demon dimension and check some things out.

Cate tells Kate to do a summoning spell, and instead Kate just screams into hell “Hey has anyone seen Glenn Webber?!!!”

They are standing on top of an eye and the eye threatens them to eternal damnation if they don’t get out.

So they stomp on the eye and the eye is like “ow” then turns into a eye-man in a suit. Like he is just an eyeball with a body.

He knows them and tells the girls that he doesn’t know anything but he will ask around. He’s afraid of them so the does it and comes back later with no information and offers that the guy might be in limbo or in heaven.

The (K)Cate’s contemplate this and Kate thinks that Gloria was just nuts and thinks her fiancee was taken by a demon but was actually just left at the altar like all her guests thought. Cate does not believe this though, because she felt real pain from Gloria, not craziness.

Then they run into a demon with a dress on and are like “Eyeball man, what the fuck is that?” And the eyeball man is like “Oh yeah he fucked up. He tried to possess a little girl and did that spell wrong so now she controls him.” Which is like so much more fun than what we’re reading! Where the hell is that story?!

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I demand a spin-off!

The demon-girl asks them for a tea party, however the twins decline but offer eyeball man instead who enters into her little den unwillingly.

The twins head back home but Kate’s ass is too fat to get back into the office.

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Woop woop! Pull over that ass is too fat!

The twins call Gloria and take her to one of her real estate houses.

Gloria is like why the fuck are we here. This house is impossible to sell. So, Cate is all yeah, but Glenn wasn’t in hell so that means he is somewhere else. And the somewhere else is this house.

They enter the house and find Glenn immediately. Gloria is so happy that he is alive and hugs him. He ain’t into it though.

The twins find open another door and find a demon and explain to Gloria that Glenn had made a deal with this hoe-ass demon who feeds on sorrow. So Glenn came up with a plan to leave Gloria at the altar and her sorrow would be how the demon got fed for months, maybe years, and in return the demon gave Glenn lots of money.

The demon had created the image of Glenn being taken to hell and showed the guests at her wedding that she simply got left. Noice.

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But you loved him? With his effing combover? 

This whole comic book is becoming very Scooby-Doo like. I’m waitin for Glenn to say “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

Scooby-Doo is a genius show btw. No disrespect. That shit was the best part of my childhood.

So this is weird, but apparently the demon can give Glenn powers too as well as money and Glenn decides to turn on the girls and kill them.

Except he doesn’t have powers anymore because Gloria is just pissed off now and not sad. And as the powers disappear the money disappears as well.

Glenn starts crying and the demon decides to eat off of his sorrow instead. Gloria and the twins leave the demon and sad fuck be.

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Yay for sorrow!

As a thank you present, Gloria presents the twins with all of her wedding presents. Which is like so dumb. I would abso-fucking-lutely keep those presents if I was the one left at the altar. A margarita machine is so much better than a man anyway. I mean does anyone get married for any other reason than tax breaks and biscuit warmers? I wanna know!

Just as Kate begins to make a daiquiri, margarita, and pina colada hybrid in her new blender, a knock at the door surprises them both.

Cate goes to answer the door and it’s the woman who got her own scene in the middle of the comic book. Now it all makes sense. Turns out its Cate’s mom and she also blows open a secret the (K)Cate’s have been keeping from us all issue, THAT KATE IS CATE’S SOUL NOT HER SISTER.

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Mom got some fierce brows

It would be more fun if they were sisters, right? No? But why is Cate’s soul so different than her? Why is the soul her opposite? And wouldn’t your soul be the good one, not the drunk whore?  OKAY NOW I’M CONVINCED. I do want to know more. I think I’ll check out #2 cause I think it’s gonna be good.

And yeah the whole “the world is ending” thing their mom said is not as big of deal as finding out they’re not sisters. Because as 97% of scientists have agreed the world is about to see apocalyptic levels of fire, flooding, and famine in 2040.

OKAY ON THAT NOTE, LOVE YOU BYE! 💕 

 

Crowded #1 Comic Book Recap

Hiiii. OMG, how are you?

I’m fantastic because I just found another comic book series to be obsessed with by Image. This book is called Crowded and it’s a comic book set in the near future like literally, this shit could become a thing next week.

Crowded is written by Christopher Sebela with art by Ro Stein and Ted Brant. This cover I got ya’ll looking at is by Rachael Stott doe.

Well, friends, this one was a good one. I’ll give you a brief background on what this little story is about. Basically, in the future, there is this app called REAPR where you can hire people to murder someone you hate by crowdfunding the kill. Sometimes no one offers to get the person killed and so no one is like “I’m not killing them for free.” And if you get a huge crowd-funding, for say an awful President, who a lot of people hate, you could get up to a million dollars if you murder this guy. Mostly if you’re not hated by millions of people then that probably won’t happen, if you’re like the worst most-hated person in a high school you might get $500 for your death.

So the story takes place with the main girl, Charlie, she has pink hair, she is meeting with a DFENDR or something that she found on the app who is going to protect her from all the people who want to murder her. Which is a shit-ton. The price on her head is at about 1.2 million dollars. Not a normal price for a basic bitch who isn’t famous and is just trying to make it day-by-day. Her DFENDR, Vita, has a rating of 1.4 stars on her DFENDR page. No one knows why she believes its because she’s not flashy. So both of these bitches are lying about something and WE gotta figure it out.

Charlie meets with Vita at this fast food place which is surprisingly empty minus a janitor, and Charlie rushes in there late scared for her life. Vita is like you’re late, and Charlie was like yeah I was ducking people trying to kill me. Then the janitor pulls an AK-47 out of his mop bucket and points it at Charlie, but Vita shoots him first.

 

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The gun was wet! Would it have even worked?! HOW DO GUNS WORK!? I NEVER LEARNED!

 

Vita is like “btw your REAPR campaign is at 1.2 million dollars.”

Charlie is like “I’m on REAPR. FUCK.”

Vita is like “yeah and that’s too much money for the average person, what did you do to get on this site and why do you have so many backers?”

So Charlie takes her through her crazy ass day, which goes like this.

Charlie: So I wake up in the morning, get hot, drive for MUVER and DRIFT, Rent out my apartment on PADHOP, Trade out my car on WHEELSY, Rent out my dress on KLOSET, walked some pets on DOGSTROLL, Hung out with some children for CITYSITTER, and blah blah blah you get it? Her fucking life is all apps. She does some more app-related shit before she heads to a bar and goes home with some rando. The next morning she gets some piping hot coffee and an old lady pulls a gun on her, so she pours her hot coffee on the lady. And stole the lady’s dog. And then someone tried to shoot her from the sky. And that’s when she knew that multiple people were trying to kill her.

 

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I really hope this old lady comes back and is the one to kill Charlie after her face is all scarred up. Then she goes on to be one of greatest villains of all time with this origin story.

 

Vita holds the doors of the restaurant closed with her belt, but the murderers begin to pile up outside anyway because Charlie used her card to order some food. Vita steals her fries before a car comes crashing onto the scene.

 

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Not a bad ROI running your vehicle into a restaurant to murder someone worth a million dollars.

 

Vita intimidates the shit out of these random nobodies coming to collect a million dollar reward with her gun and shit talking. They get into Vita’s weird mustard yellow car that looks like its from the 60s and they take off to a safe place which turns out to be Vita’s haunted mansion.  But before they make it to the mansion dumb-ass Charlie is on her phone this time and people start tracking her location and Vita has to do some quick shit to take out some pedestrians. She does this for fun or to save Charlie. It is unclear.

Later, at the mansion, Charlie is like “this place is awful.” Vita is like “okay, bye.” Then Charlie is like “give me alcohol and I’ll stay” and Vita is all, “okay.”

So Vita is gettin this already hoe-ass girl, Charlie, completely toasted.

Charlie gets a drink in her and continues to explain to Vita how her day went and why this could all be happening to her. After a few people attempt to murder her so order a MUVER to where her car is parked and finds that it has been blown up.

 

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Cause baby ur a firewooorkkkkkk!!! Come on show em what urrrr worth—!!

 

So then she goes home, and we don’t know what happened because she gets distracted during her storytelling because she’s drunk and starts looking around Vita’s weird old lady house.

 

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This hoe is the essence of hoe. 

 

Vita explains that she lives in a big old lady house by herself because she hates people and the place has great parking. Vita decides that she is hungry and moves on to the kitchen with Charlie trailing behind. The TV is still on and the news story they are broadcasting now is that there was a massacre at Echo Park. Charlie sneakily turns the TV off while explaining that nothing happened to her at her apartment before following Vita into the kitchen.

 

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SNAP CRACKLE POP! Goes the TV like a bowl of Rice Krispie Treats.

 

Charlie apparently made spaghetti and meatballs for the two of them during this time because the next panel she’s serving up a couple of plates for them. And now I really want some spaghetti.

Charlie: I spit in your pasta. Also, why are you a bodyguard, and why is your rating 1.4?

Vita: I can’t believe people want you dead. I wrote why I became a bodyguard on my profile. Didn’t you read it?

Charlie: No. Tell me the story.

Vita: I was a private contractor before. Not much else to say.

 

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How long ago is this memory? She’s wearing the same clothes TODAY! WHAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE!

 

Vita is clearly a liar, but let’s get back to that other lying twat, Charlie.

Vita: Where are your friends?

Charlie: No one responded to me.

Vita: Do you have any exes?

Charlie: I sleep with all of my friends so technically they are all my exes.

Vita: I can tell that you think you don’t deserve what’s happening to you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t.

Charlie: You’re mean.

Vita then throws a file at Charlie. It is a list of people who donated to kill her.

All of a sudden Charlie is too drunk to function so Vita takes her to bed.

The dog wants out, so Vita takes the dog with her to bed.

 

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I know I’m late, but why the fuck is she wearing ballet flats with that outfit?

 

Vita then creepily tells herself not to get attached to the dog or Charlie.

Charlie wakes up and sneaks back to the kitchen to make a phone call to her friend Francie whose name she recognized from the list, and decides to threaten to kill her. Which turns out fine because then this happens.

What kind of asses are those? Did the Kardashians show up to kill her, too? THE END! Or to be continued. This one is fun. I can’t wait to learn the twist. And since this is Image, it is bound to be a good one! What do you think is going to happen to Charlie and Vita? Will they fall in love? Will Charlie get murdered? And if so, by who!? Who put the hit out on her head? And why did so many people back it? I mean she does look annoying, but a million fucking diamonds- I mean, dollars. That’s crazy. Will the dog survive?! If they kill the dog in this fucking comic book I will literally put a REAPR out on every single person involved in the making of this comic.