Hit Girl Season Two Issue #9 Recap

Hit-Girl is finally going to India!

I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.

Or were we?

I digress.

Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.

Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!

We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.

What kinda fucking breakfast is that?! You want these kids shitting all over the walls?!

Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?

She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.

But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.

So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.

“I’m a collector of three-limbed children. Hmm yes, just another rich man’s hobby!”

The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.

Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.

Nice necklace lock.

She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.

A thirteen year old girl just sliced a man’s forehead in front of us! COOL!! That will not scar us for life at all!!!

Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.

It’s not a sex thing? So like he’s totally not interested in little boys in a sexual way? Would he be sexually interested if you were missing a limb? He would. Okay yeah it’s a sex thing. Everything is a friggin sex thing.

He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?

Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.

So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.

The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.

The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.

Technically they have, too.

Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.

CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS

A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.

Why is everybody so mad at prostitutes?!

The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”

And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.

CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.

Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if he survived and just got mutilated and then joined that gang she’s trying to find, and then he comes back like you did this to me!! And she’s like Whoaaaa!! WHOAAA!!!

Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.

She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.

WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING LONG RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS SASHES BEHIND YOU?!

She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?

No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.

Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.

The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”

The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.

Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”

Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.

Do you think the guy in the third panel is stuttering “nah-new” or saying “Ca-new?” Like canoe. “I canoe it!!!”

She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.

She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.

CUT TO: rich guys place

The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”

Wow you’re missing half a finger. Yeah that’s a reason to go around cutting limbs off of homeless boys in Mumbai. I’ve never heard of a reason that someone WOULD start cutting limbs off of people so this seems reason enough. Geeze, villains don’t even need a strong motive anymore.

BUM BUM BAHHH

So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!

Baii!!!!

Dead Eyes Issue #1 Recap!

I’m excited about this one.

Mainly because it began with a nod to Regina George.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

Okay betches, we outchea. Let’s talk about Dead Eyes Issue #1 from Image.

Another fucking banger from Image. Damn. Are we proud or what?

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Look. They just wrote it out.

These guys were like, listen, this comic book betch really fucking hates having to type out everything about who wrote this shit that she is “invested in” and “truly enjoys” so you would think she would lovee to take a second out of her measley fucking day to thank us for bringing her hours of entertainment that she then makes fun of on her mediocre “blog.”

Wow guys, fucking rude. But I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Thank you again for dedicating an entire page of the book to just your names.

Why am I having a fight in my head with the editors of Image? I really can’t even begin to hash this out. Someone remind me to talk to my therapist about this. And by therapist, I mean my best friend’s dog.

Yeah, I don’t even have my own dog.

Don’t remind me.

So I’m super into this comic book. I really only got it, honestly based on the cover. It reminded me of Sin City/ Watchmen type shit and I was down for that.

It is right up those comics ally though, because it is filled with intrigue, thuggish fiends, and a male protagonist that has a gold-plated heart of blacknesses. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

Anyways, as a basic betch, I was super into how it started. Everyone was talking about Dead Eyes like he was the Regina George of Boston. They said shit like “his hair is insured for $10,000” and “I hear he does car commercials in Japan” and “omg one time he punched me in the face, it was awesome.”

 

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One time he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.

 

They go on to say that he was basically a Robin Hood type since he robbed big businesses and drug dealers. According to the news, he made one big steal for 10 million dollars and that he hasn’t been seen since 1997. They undercut the footage of them saying 10 million and cut to a guy sitting in the dark watching the news saying 12 million. So I guess he stole that from that guy.

I want a tamale. That is all.

CUT TO: What dead eyes is up to present day. He lives in a little house in Boston with his lady, Megan. Megan is in a wheelchair and he has hemorrhoids. So things have not been going great. Megan is watching TV in her wheelchair and she’s excited because they’re talking about her mans on the telly. #DeadEyesIsBae

 

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I also prefer to face a wall when the TV is on. WAY TO GO, MEGAN!

 

The news story is basically highlighting all of his crazy ass vigilante bs. And he gets in the shower and says the 90s weren’t as fun as they’re making it out to be on the news.

Aw. Sad.

Anyways, now the Dead Eyes vigilante is just some dork with a sweater vest. And he has to spoon-feed his girlfriend. Which goes to show how good a guy this vigilante really is. BECAUSE VIGILANTES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN COPS. ALL COPS DO IS SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE AND EAT DOUGHNUTS. THERE I SAID IT. omg you know what would be really funny? Like a sketch where these cops, I wanna say one is definitely played by Kenan Thompson (cause it would only work if the cop was black otherwise it would be a hate crime kinda sketch and racists would be like this is great completely missing the point that it is satire folks!) and the other one is hmmm idk either Pete Davidson or Kyle Mooney I’m leaning Kyle Mooney, and its like the first day for Kyle, and Kenan’s character is like “it’s pretty straightforward man, we basically chill out and eat doughnuts until there is some sort of emergency.” And then a black man approaches asking for help and Kenan just shoots him and Kyle is like “whoa what the fuck he just needed help!” and Kenan is like “idk man it’s just protocol.” And then maybe the black guy looked a little seedy idk. But then it gets increasing more obvious that they’re just shooting black people for no reason, because then it’s a black woman and then it’s black children. IDK. That would probably not make it to air, but I’m laughing. Oh God. Should I delete this? I’m sorry you had to read that. I have a dark sense of humor I suppose. It certainly would never make it to air because it makes light of a controversial and very sad VERY REAL situation sorry to get political. I hate cops. I DIGRESS.

 

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A FEEDER KINK

 

They’re in love I guess. She refuses to eat the veggies he cooked which is shitty and I’m pretty sure she still can use her hands so I don’t understand why he is spoon-feeding her. I’m highly disturbed because it’s probably a kink. IDK.

Anyways, she tells him he’s going to be late for “tee time” which I originally read as “tea time” and I was like “oh shit they’re british.” but then he grabbed some golf clubs and left the house. HOWMEVER, it turns out he doesn’t go golfing everyday. He goes to greet people at the MART. He’s an old man greeter for Wal-Mart. Something that, my father who is in his 70s, cannot ever do because he is not genial enough. BUT APPARENTLY THIS MURDERER CAN.

Anyways he lies to his bitch because she’d be sad if she knew what he was really doing I guess. IDK. Boys are dumb.

 

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These tiny, old houses next to that modern apartment building. SO fucking accurate.

 

So they ran out of money and now he hangs out at the Mart to make some extra dough but he vigilantes on the side ’cause in this economic climate everybody need a side hustle : See Comic Book Betch Blog. He uses the Mart as his way to find people to murder. For example, he finds first-time murderers all the freaking time!

Because their carts all look the same.

 

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Oooo Drain-o can get rid of a body?? NOTE TO SELF!

 

So he swoops in and realizes that he’s seen this guy before with the same cart. Only this time his head is shaved. But he still recognizes him. He decides that he will check the guy out so he tells the cashier he is going to that the boss wants to talk to her so he can check the murderer guy out instead. The guy tries to pay in cash and Dead Eyes is all “oh sorry can’t do cash because the girl I booted out of here is in charge of the register so you can pay by credit and I’ll need to see an ID. SMOOTH AF. ANd the mo fucka almost does it. He gives the card and so Dead Eyes gets the name and then hands over the ID and Dead Eyes gets his address. Then the murderer guy is like actually I’m not going to pay by credit card and nopes the fuck out of there. Dead Eyes is all “okay, cool.” but deep down he’s like “Bitch I got yo address.”

 

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Is he a fucking ginger? I literally did not even realize until this moment.

 

So Dead Eyes decides to go to that address after his shift I guess and he confronts the murderer man.

 

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Thank God you wear a mask, you no soul-having ass ginger.

 

He enters the house as the crazy-ass mother fucker he is.

He smells something bad and follows his nose towards it. He finds a locked door, but before he can open it he is discovered. Also the guy has a knife with him. WHO WALKS AROUND THEIR HOUSE WITH A KNIFE? JUST ME? OKAY.

But Dead Eyes was expecting to get caught so he ready for him.

 

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Oh, pleased to meet you. I’m Dead Eyes. 

 

So they fight. Dead Eyes wins. Otherwise, this would be a very short run of comics. But he lets him live. However another dude, the guys partner or roommate whatever shows up and that would have taken Dead Eyes by surprise but as it turns out the roommate is a big fan of Dead Eyes and freaks out for a second which gives Dead Eyes the upper hand to murder his ass. But not kill him. Just to punch the ground on which he stands.

 

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OUCH MY FLOOR!

 

So yeah he beats them up and they’re like please let us live and he’s like okay I’ll let you live whatever. Then he goes to the locked basement door or whatever and finds whats in there. And it’s three girls living in filth. So he decides to not let the dudes live and instead he murders them because yeah you can’t have dudes like these walking around the earth.

 

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The craziest shit about this is that this really happens. SMFH.

So yeah Dead Eyes finishes the job and calls 911 because he’s a vigilante and can’t bring these hoes to safety. So he drives home. The cops don’t bother him because he’s just an old white man driving on the road and he gets home but Megan is awake and she knows something is up.

 

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SITUATION: Your BF comes home at 4am smelling like blood and sweat. WHAT DO YOU DO?? A: He must be a vigilante fighting for justice! YAY!  B: Are fucking serious, n*gga? Pack your shit and go motha fucka. TO THE LEFT!

 

Dead Eyes has to explain himself to Megan, she’s upset because she doesn’t want him putting himself in danger I guess. IDK. I can’t place her feelings because she immediately has a seizure.

 

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AND HER SHOES ARE FALLING OFF!

 

CUT TO: That one guy who said “12 million” earlier but now he has more friends and they are still hanging out in the dark. Fucking kinky ass weirdos. I’m a kink-shamer btw. Don’t share unless you wanna be grilled.

They discuss that the women that dead eyes saved described their savior as having “dead eyes” oooo. So now these white men know that this other vigilante white man is back. And they’re shaking in their expensive ass boots.

 

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This bitch is so Audacious he really think this guy has been living under a rock instead of his tiny house. Wow, he a real ass-bitch.

 

OOOO MAYBE! Anyways I’m intrigued. I’m V into this new series MEOW. I have many books to read coming up. If you want me to recap something you’ve read please let me know in the comments.

TE AMO!!!

-CBB

 

Exorsisters Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

This week sooo many new #1 comic books came out. It’s been hard narrowing down my choice of which one to recap but since I’ve been on an Image/Vertigo/Other kick I decided on the Exorsisters!

These hoes were written by Ian Boothby with art by Gisele Lagace and the cover art by Pia Guerra. (Just one of the variant artists)

The cover shows a pair of sisters surrounded by demons in what looks like Hell. I know the feeling esp on a Saturday night at 3am and you and your bestie are unattached.

In another cover by Gisele Lagace, you can see that this wacky duo are total opposites. One holds a book, wears her hair in a pristine bun, and is fond of demure skirts. The other has messy, long hair, and strums a guitar while wearing denim shorts and fishnet tights. Such a rebel.

ANYWAYS.

We begin at a horrible outdoor wedding where SURPRISE two white people are getting married.

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Can I get a Hallelujah!

Just before they get to exchange their vows, chains appear around the dude and the devil appears with two toads. The devil proclaims that “Glenn Webber,” the white guy obv, has to go to hell. The chick, Gloria, tries unsuccessfully to free Glenn from the chains. None of the guests do anything at the wedding.

Cue the Exorsisters. Gloria calls in the twins and explains to them what happened. As it turns out, all of her wedding guests think that she was just left at the altar and have no recollection of the incident. “Father Manny” who was marrying them, apparently believes Gloria though he did not see anything either. He says the believes Gloria because he has met the Exorsisters before and knows that this kinda shit happens all the time.

Cate, of the Exorsisters, listens diligently to the story as her sister, Kate, chugs multiple bottles of champagne.

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me at any wedding tbh

Cate gets down on the ground and smells the sulfur of a demon and believes Gloria despite no one else witnessing the scene. Kate helps herself to the cake.

Cate asks for access to the fiancee’s computer and Gloria brings the girls to her house.

While Kate and Cate go through the computer they immediately look for porn and find none. Which they find to be quite weird.

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maybe Glenn is asexual?

It turns out he was on a few message boards which is where most demons spend their time. Agreed.

They find out that he was unhappy with his boss, which Gloria reveals can’t be right because they own a real estate business together and she’s technically the president.

Cate is like well, I’m probs wrong. Then Kate is like, get some sleep you look terrible.

I’m beginning to like these characters.

MEANWHILE

We get introduced to some other character.

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She’s fun!

SPOILER ALERT: She is the worst and gets her bottle of Jack.

Back at the offices of Harrow & Harrow, the (K)Cates are getting to work. After they feed their fish who are on fire first though. Good pet moms.

Kate creates a door to the demon dimension, which I guess is Hell, and says she can only do it once because she’s still drunk from the champagne.

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Hey, she made a door to a demon dimension. Idc how big it is. I am impressed.

They each crawl through the tiny door to the dark dimension and Cate falls into the mouth or asshole of some sort of round creature. There is a hole. No one is sure what its for.

Kate is like “hey you should spit out my sister”

But it’s too late because Cate has already stabbed her way out of the creature.

They stumble around the demon dimension and check some things out.

Cate tells Kate to do a summoning spell, and instead Kate just screams into hell “Hey has anyone seen Glenn Webber?!!!”

They are standing on top of an eye and the eye threatens them to eternal damnation if they don’t get out.

So they stomp on the eye and the eye is like “ow” then turns into a eye-man in a suit. Like he is just an eyeball with a body.

He knows them and tells the girls that he doesn’t know anything but he will ask around. He’s afraid of them so the does it and comes back later with no information and offers that the guy might be in limbo or in heaven.

The (K)Cate’s contemplate this and Kate thinks that Gloria was just nuts and thinks her fiancee was taken by a demon but was actually just left at the altar like all her guests thought. Cate does not believe this though, because she felt real pain from Gloria, not craziness.

Then they run into a demon with a dress on and are like “Eyeball man, what the fuck is that?” And the eyeball man is like “Oh yeah he fucked up. He tried to possess a little girl and did that spell wrong so now she controls him.” Which is like so much more fun than what we’re reading! Where the hell is that story?!

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I demand a spin-off!

The demon-girl asks them for a tea party, however the twins decline but offer eyeball man instead who enters into her little den unwillingly.

The twins head back home but Kate’s ass is too fat to get back into the office.

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Woop woop! Pull over that ass is too fat!

The twins call Gloria and take her to one of her real estate houses.

Gloria is like why the fuck are we here. This house is impossible to sell. So, Cate is all yeah, but Glenn wasn’t in hell so that means he is somewhere else. And the somewhere else is this house.

They enter the house and find Glenn immediately. Gloria is so happy that he is alive and hugs him. He ain’t into it though.

The twins find open another door and find a demon and explain to Gloria that Glenn had made a deal with this hoe-ass demon who feeds on sorrow. So Glenn came up with a plan to leave Gloria at the altar and her sorrow would be how the demon got fed for months, maybe years, and in return the demon gave Glenn lots of money.

The demon had created the image of Glenn being taken to hell and showed the guests at her wedding that she simply got left. Noice.

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But you loved him? With his effing combover? 

This whole comic book is becoming very Scooby-Doo like. I’m waitin for Glenn to say “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

Scooby-Doo is a genius show btw. No disrespect. That shit was the best part of my childhood.

So this is weird, but apparently the demon can give Glenn powers too as well as money and Glenn decides to turn on the girls and kill them.

Except he doesn’t have powers anymore because Gloria is just pissed off now and not sad. And as the powers disappear the money disappears as well.

Glenn starts crying and the demon decides to eat off of his sorrow instead. Gloria and the twins leave the demon and sad fuck be.

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Yay for sorrow!

As a thank you present, Gloria presents the twins with all of her wedding presents. Which is like so dumb. I would abso-fucking-lutely keep those presents if I was the one left at the altar. A margarita machine is so much better than a man anyway. I mean does anyone get married for any other reason than tax breaks and biscuit warmers? I wanna know!

Just as Kate begins to make a daiquiri, margarita, and pina colada hybrid in her new blender, a knock at the door surprises them both.

Cate goes to answer the door and it’s the woman who got her own scene in the middle of the comic book. Now it all makes sense. Turns out its Cate’s mom and she also blows open a secret the (K)Cate’s have been keeping from us all issue, THAT KATE IS CATE’S SOUL NOT HER SISTER.

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Mom got some fierce brows

It would be more fun if they were sisters, right? No? But why is Cate’s soul so different than her? Why is the soul her opposite? And wouldn’t your soul be the good one, not the drunk whore?  OKAY NOW I’M CONVINCED. I do want to know more. I think I’ll check out #2 cause I think it’s gonna be good.

And yeah the whole “the world is ending” thing their mom said is not as big of deal as finding out they’re not sisters. Because as 97% of scientists have agreed the world is about to see apocalyptic levels of fire, flooding, and famine in 2040.

OKAY ON THAT NOTE, LOVE YOU BYE! 💕 

 

Crowded #1 Comic Book Recap

Hiiii. OMG, how are you?

I’m fantastic because I just found another comic book series to be obsessed with by Image. This book is called Crowded and it’s a comic book set in the near future like literally, this shit could become a thing next week.

Crowded is written by Christopher Sebela with art by Ro Stein and Ted Brant. This cover I got ya’ll looking at is by Rachael Stott doe.

Well, friends, this one was a good one. I’ll give you a brief background on what this little story is about. Basically, in the future, there is this app called REAPR where you can hire people to murder someone you hate by crowdfunding the kill. Sometimes no one offers to get the person killed and so no one is like “I’m not killing them for free.” And if you get a huge crowd-funding, for say an awful President, who a lot of people hate, you could get up to a million dollars if you murder this guy. Mostly if you’re not hated by millions of people then that probably won’t happen, if you’re like the worst most-hated person in a high school you might get $500 for your death.

So the story takes place with the main girl, Charlie, she has pink hair, she is meeting with a DFENDR or something that she found on the app who is going to protect her from all the people who want to murder her. Which is a shit-ton. The price on her head is at about 1.2 million dollars. Not a normal price for a basic bitch who isn’t famous and is just trying to make it day-by-day. Her DFENDR, Vita, has a rating of 1.4 stars on her DFENDR page. No one knows why she believes its because she’s not flashy. So both of these bitches are lying about something and WE gotta figure it out.

Charlie meets with Vita at this fast food place which is surprisingly empty minus a janitor, and Charlie rushes in there late scared for her life. Vita is like you’re late, and Charlie was like yeah I was ducking people trying to kill me. Then the janitor pulls an AK-47 out of his mop bucket and points it at Charlie, but Vita shoots him first.

 

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The gun was wet! Would it have even worked?! HOW DO GUNS WORK!? I NEVER LEARNED!

 

Vita is like “btw your REAPR campaign is at 1.2 million dollars.”

Charlie is like “I’m on REAPR. FUCK.”

Vita is like “yeah and that’s too much money for the average person, what did you do to get on this site and why do you have so many backers?”

So Charlie takes her through her crazy ass day, which goes like this.

Charlie: So I wake up in the morning, get hot, drive for MUVER and DRIFT, Rent out my apartment on PADHOP, Trade out my car on WHEELSY, Rent out my dress on KLOSET, walked some pets on DOGSTROLL, Hung out with some children for CITYSITTER, and blah blah blah you get it? Her fucking life is all apps. She does some more app-related shit before she heads to a bar and goes home with some rando. The next morning she gets some piping hot coffee and an old lady pulls a gun on her, so she pours her hot coffee on the lady. And stole the lady’s dog. And then someone tried to shoot her from the sky. And that’s when she knew that multiple people were trying to kill her.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.13.07 PM
I really hope this old lady comes back and is the one to kill Charlie after her face is all scarred up. Then she goes on to be one of greatest villains of all time with this origin story.

 

Vita holds the doors of the restaurant closed with her belt, but the murderers begin to pile up outside anyway because Charlie used her card to order some food. Vita steals her fries before a car comes crashing onto the scene.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.16.40 PM
Not a bad ROI running your vehicle into a restaurant to murder someone worth a million dollars.

 

Vita intimidates the shit out of these random nobodies coming to collect a million dollar reward with her gun and shit talking. They get into Vita’s weird mustard yellow car that looks like its from the 60s and they take off to a safe place which turns out to be Vita’s haunted mansion.  But before they make it to the mansion dumb-ass Charlie is on her phone this time and people start tracking her location and Vita has to do some quick shit to take out some pedestrians. She does this for fun or to save Charlie. It is unclear.

Later, at the mansion, Charlie is like “this place is awful.” Vita is like “okay, bye.” Then Charlie is like “give me alcohol and I’ll stay” and Vita is all, “okay.”

So Vita is gettin this already hoe-ass girl, Charlie, completely toasted.

Charlie gets a drink in her and continues to explain to Vita how her day went and why this could all be happening to her. After a few people attempt to murder her so order a MUVER to where her car is parked and finds that it has been blown up.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.31.06 AM
Cause baby ur a firewooorkkkkkk!!! Come on show em what urrrr worth—!!

 

So then she goes home, and we don’t know what happened because she gets distracted during her storytelling because she’s drunk and starts looking around Vita’s weird old lady house.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.34.18 AM
This hoe is the essence of hoe. 

 

Vita explains that she lives in a big old lady house by herself because she hates people and the place has great parking. Vita decides that she is hungry and moves on to the kitchen with Charlie trailing behind. The TV is still on and the news story they are broadcasting now is that there was a massacre at Echo Park. Charlie sneakily turns the TV off while explaining that nothing happened to her at her apartment before following Vita into the kitchen.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-21 at 11.51.19 PM
SNAP CRACKLE POP! Goes the TV like a bowl of Rice Krispie Treats.

 

Charlie apparently made spaghetti and meatballs for the two of them during this time because the next panel she’s serving up a couple of plates for them. And now I really want some spaghetti.

Charlie: I spit in your pasta. Also, why are you a bodyguard, and why is your rating 1.4?

Vita: I can’t believe people want you dead. I wrote why I became a bodyguard on my profile. Didn’t you read it?

Charlie: No. Tell me the story.

Vita: I was a private contractor before. Not much else to say.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.47.18 AM
How long ago is this memory? She’s wearing the same clothes TODAY! WHAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE!

 

Vita is clearly a liar, but let’s get back to that other lying twat, Charlie.

Vita: Where are your friends?

Charlie: No one responded to me.

Vita: Do you have any exes?

Charlie: I sleep with all of my friends so technically they are all my exes.

Vita: I can tell that you think you don’t deserve what’s happening to you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t.

Charlie: You’re mean.

Vita then throws a file at Charlie. It is a list of people who donated to kill her.

All of a sudden Charlie is too drunk to function so Vita takes her to bed.

The dog wants out, so Vita takes the dog with her to bed.

 

Screenshot 2018-08-22 at 12.52.27 AM
I know I’m late, but why the fuck is she wearing ballet flats with that outfit?

 

Vita then creepily tells herself not to get attached to the dog or Charlie.

Charlie wakes up and sneaks back to the kitchen to make a phone call to her friend Francie whose name she recognized from the list, and decides to threaten to kill her. Which turns out fine because then this happens.

What kind of asses are those? Did the Kardashians show up to kill her, too? THE END! Or to be continued. This one is fun. I can’t wait to learn the twist. And since this is Image, it is bound to be a good one! What do you think is going to happen to Charlie and Vita? Will they fall in love? Will Charlie get murdered? And if so, by who!? Who put the hit out on her head? And why did so many people back it? I mean she does look annoying, but a million fucking diamonds- I mean, dollars. That’s crazy. Will the dog survive?! If they kill the dog in this fucking comic book I will literally put a REAPR out on every single person involved in the making of this comic.

Rat Queens Special Neon Static: comic book recap

This is a Rat Queens one-off. With a quote “cyberpunk” futuristic story.

Idk if you’ve read the original Rat Queens story, but it’s pretty good and if you have not yet, I advise you to check it out.

I stole my first volume from a friend and never gave it back. I probably still have it but I don’t feel like looking for it otherwise I’d let you borrow it.

I don’t know if this story is going to need you to know the background, so I’m not going to explain it. That’s why you have Google, bitches.

The sassy murderers for hire have landed in some futuristic city but not everything is futuristic. For example, the cars look old school. V Confusing.

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.15.48 AM
Blimps in the sky, normal.
Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.16.03 AM
Old ass jalopy. Not normal.

That’s Dee in that car I think. Dee is this warrior/mystic princess woman from the original book. Here she seems to be some sort of magical hacker.

She pulls up to a theater with the headline “My Grandmother Died…Help!” on the marquee.

She pulls up to the valet as a paperboy yells at her with a newspaper in his hand talking about Castywir. I don’t know who Castywir is, but we may find out later.

Dee heads into the theater where a man is asking for money to get his grandmother a proper burial. He’s up on a stage and there are not too many people in the audience, but there are other’s watching him cry on Facebook live and donating money to him. It’s weird.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.24.01 AM
1,253 GOLDYEN. I WONDER HOW MUCH THAT IS IN BITCOINS?

 

So then get this, she gets right on stage with this guy and he keeps talking like nothing is happening and she stabs him in the neck with this octopus looking thing and then she is transported into a matrix filled with letters and numbers. I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 1.39.01 AM
What is that stink cloud coming off of her?

So then she’s like “oh this guy is a scammer.” Yeah anyone who raises money to bury their grandma is a scammer if they’re white, ok?

So she’s uploading something, then some bing noise starts going off and her foot lights up and she’s like “sorry ladies, we’re about to get some company.” And then she just falls backward and we’re back in the city, but this time all the rat queens are there.

IDK WTF happened. But Dee is sitting there happily with Violet, Hannah, and Betty, and she says the same line “We’re gonna have company” or whatever. Hannah is like this is taking too long already. Violet has a 5 o’clock shadow and a cigar hanging out of her mouth and its not fucking cute, and Betty is like “our attackers are in the elevator. Get ready.”

A bunch of creepy dudes crawl out of the elevator and the Rat Queens just shoot em up, but then outside there is a “phase dragon.” Which does not look like a dragon at all.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.08.02 AM
That doesn’t look very scary. More like a 6-foot turkey

Some Jurassic Park humor for you brains out there.

So the dragon/turkey in the sky exhales some magic spell on them that doesn’t affect Hannah because you need to have a soul to be affected. So she turns around and shits a spell on his dusty-ass right back.

Then they jump out of the open window like badasses and scale down the side of the building to their friends who are waiting in a van.

They didn’t kill the dragon yet tho.

Luckily there’s a convenient sunroof where one of their friends has popped out of with a machine gun, and the machine gun friend decides to shoot the dragon a million times.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.25.56 AM
It also sorta looks like a fish. Is anyone else getting catfish realness vibes from this?

So yeah their friend shoots the dragon down and is all, “I’m really cool for that.”

Then the Rat Queens are like “whatever, bye.” And they head to the nearest taco truck for some delicious treats.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.32.30 AM.png
Gary is not a Mexican name so those tacos must be trash.

So yeah read that panel because I’m lazy. They’re basically like why are we working this. There must be something else going on! BUM BUM BUHH

Then Hannah is like “I have sex with Sawyer.”

And they’re like, “Yeah you’re a skank.”

Then they start discussing the scammer.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 2.45.27 AM
I am too lazy to explain all of this.

 

 

So then that guy walks past them and Violet is like “hey, that’s the guy lets hurt him.” So Hannah blasts the scammer guy who is conveniently walking near them.

Dee: Hello Mr. Dead Grandma. Why you do bad things?

Mr. Dead Grandma: Well-

Betty then knees the scammer man in the pelvis.

Then he said it was all Castiwyr’s fault. You know that guy from the newspaper in the beginning.

Told ya so.

Mr. Dead Grandma: he’s blackmailing me.

Dee: How did he get your information

MDG: I signed up for a dating site.

Betty: Awww. 😦

Later, the Rat Queens head to LOVEME corp to get to the bottom of this shit.

Oh I’m starting to understand things. Dee is at a party at the LOVEME building, but she is a digital version of herself. Which makes more sense as to how she was able to stab MDG in the neck in the beginning of the story without anyone in the audience saying shit.

So all of these digital versions of themselves are having a party. One fish girl is talking to some blonde guy. They’re hitting it off really well then Dee shoots him in the forehead. And she’s like Hey Fish Girl sorry but that’s a phishing AI. And she’s like oh that makes sense. He wanted to know all of my deepest darkest secrets.

The Fish GIrl asks Dee to make out, Dee declines and hops into the alternate world of the Phishing AI, but she is nervous because Castiwyr is a really good hacker and if she goes too far she’ll die. Probably.

Dee finds out where Castiwyr lives and sends the location to the Queens. They head to his trash house. Which is in a  literal looking dump. They find him dressed up like Transformers meets Prince IV.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 3.26.47 AM
HE IS THE DUMP!

So they fight him off while Dee snoops around to get his info.

They hit him with axes and swords and shoot him with guns.

They easily take down the TRANS-PRINCE BOT. Sounds politically incorrect, but I’ll keep it.

Betty is like now what? Was he inside of there? Should we beat whatever is left of him.

Then Dee is like actually come over here. And they go inside this, what I imagine is a hacker’s shed, and they find this ugly ass troll hiding inside.

Wow. This hits on so many levels.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-21 at 3.32.00 AM
Fucking internet trolls

 

 

So the Queens out this mother fucker as a troll. He is not the handsome, humanitarian hacker, he is a literal troll who blackmails people looking for love! What a ho!

THE END!

If ya’ll like this recap share it with your friends. And if you did not, keep your wrong opinions to yourself.

BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Hit-Girl #4 Recap

AAANNNNDDD SHE’S BACK!

Sorry about the hiatus, I discovered bravo on YouTube.

Wow, I really do not know my audiences.

ANYWAYS THIS WEEK WAS THE SHITSKY. Cause after I read the latest Hit-Girl, I found out this isn’t the last we shall see of little Mindy. No-ho. AND I read Saga #52 which I have been waiting it seemed like forever for. But I’m gonna try not to be an asshole to those people who have been a fan since #1 and legit have to wait every week.

OHHHHHKKK. Enough about me. Let’s recap this bitch shall we?

First off, props on the cover. It is a tribute to the late, great Miley Cyrus. SHE CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL. I’ve never fell so hard in love with a cover. Congratulations to Mark Millar, Ricardo Lopez Oritz, and them cover artists Amy Reeder, Mattea Scalera and Lee Loughridge. You really combined two of my favorite things: Miley mother fucking Cyrus and Mindy mother fucking McCready.

We begin our story with Mrs. Gallo praying in church. If you don’t remember issues 1, 2, or 3, then please remind yourself. Or just read what I’m about to say next. She hired Mindy to kill the bad, bad gang member who killed her son in cold blood. And somehow the gang member also has to help Mindy take down all the other gang members in Colombia first. Idk whose idea that was. I assume Mark Millar.

So the pope or priest or whatever (I am not religious, clearly) tells Mrs. Gallo “ya know if you keep pulling this bullshit you’re gonna go to hell.” And she’s like “Ya, that’s fine. I’ll be with my son.”

 

IMG_0325
Why is that gun the size of her lap?

 

Her son must have been a real shit.

To review from last issue, as that is where this story takes place. The bad guy gang member that Mindy forcibly turned into her partner, (ya know the guy who killed Mrs. Gallo’s son? KEEP UP!) turned on her, but Mindy had a plan B and she turned the gun onto Mano (The bad guy who killed the kid)’s little brother Jorge. Who is about to be initiated into the gang. Jorge also likes Batman. So there’s that, too.

So after the little falling out Mano and Mindy had they are back together and better than ever. They decide to start this morning off by sniping every single one of Mano’s friends.

Like literally all of them. The scenes of them killing all over the place are numerous and go on for pages.

 

IMG_0326
There’s more but this was the best one cause brains.

 

I imagine that the background music behind their murder spree is that  same one they used for “Rob and Big.” You know, “Let me tell you about my beeesssttt friend, He’s a warm hearted person who will love me till then end.”

It’s beautiful really. Here’s a link.

The members of Mano’s gang who are still alive try to take Jorge to a safe house or kill him. IDK. you never know with people who have questionable morals.

Hit-Girl and Mano are riding around in a garbage truck and she busts out onto a different scene by yelling something about wanting to take out the trash. It is very clever. All the awards, please.

 

IMG_0275
Good one.

 

So they crash the garbage truck and jump out, and what’s supposed to happen is that they are supposed to blow up the truck with bombs, but the detonator doesn’t work so they just shoot everyone instead. Very anti-climactic.

So then the garbage truck DOES explode. And Mindy is like “WHAT THE HELL!”

 

IMG_0327
Told ya’

 

Everybody dies.

Except for Mindy and Mano for some reason.

Mano is all, hey just kill me.

Mindy is all, um I said I wouldn’t.

Mrs. Gallo is all like, but I will

And Mano is all like, who are you.

And she’s all, you killed my son.

And then he shrugs and he’s like, “probably.”

He doesn’t even remember!

So spoiler she can’t kill him because she’s a good person. Luckily Mindy has a PLAN B. All women should.

ANYWAYS, the gang is mad at Mano for killing everyone with this little psycho girl and now they want to make a trade, Mano’s life for Jorge’s life. And as we know Mano has no qualms about murdering for sport and probably has an STD and a rotting tooth, but he definitely has a hard-on for that brother of his.

So Mindy throws Mano out of the car and to the drop off for the trade and they shoot him down while he says “but, but let me explain!!!”

The gang members are like, um no you killed like everyone.

So they shoot him and Jorge cries like a baby back bitch.

The gang member turns his gun on Jorge and says that he’s the brother of the traitor so they might as well kill him, too. Then all these little red lights show up on all of their clothes and then they explode into thin air! Like magical pixie fairies. OOOO!!!

Okay so then things get a little convoluted. Mindy pops out, she didn’t shoot Jorge, he’s the only survivor and she informs him that his brother wrote him one last “text message” Because that’s how things are done now in 2018.

That “text message” from “Mano” says that being a gang member is bad and not sexy at all and that Jorge is just a kid and should become Mrs. Gallo’s son that she never had. -Only a nine-year-old bitch could come up with this shit. But it works, and soon Mrs. Gallo and her adopted son Jorge are off galavanting around town working in diners and shit. But then she says something weird. That is a throwback to that sign in the pope’s office. And she says she’s taking Jorge somewhere nice and hot. Like Hell. So I guess she’s gonna murder him? Kinda weird to murder an innocent child when what you wanted to do was shoot his older brother who had murdered YOUR innocent child, but to each his own. Revenge gets twisted and I’m not gonna ask.

 

Image-1
Creep.

 

In the epilogue, Mindy decides on her next adventure after she breaks into a mobster’s mansion and murders him. She spins a globe around and points her finger at the next place. AND GUESS WHERE SHE IS HEADED? FUCKING CANADA. Okay, yeah. Looking for the biebs or something? I’m sure Justin Trudeau got some job for you over there. Maybe milking trees for maple syrup.

Are you serious?!

CANADA!

Well, how did YOU like this series? I gotta admit, I was wrong about the ending. And I really never could have predicted the one that Mark Millar wrote…So I guess good for him?

IMG_0278
OHHHH CANADAAAA

Hit-Girl #2 Comic Book Review

As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.

Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 10.51.08 PM

That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?

Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.

HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.

I just had a thought.

What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.

In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.

 

hit girl is attacked by leopard
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?

 

A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”

 

killing beautiful animals
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact? 

 

Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.01.19 PM
That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.

 

Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.

We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.

 

You’re welcome, friend.

 

 

If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.

Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.

Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?

HG: You don’t wanna know.

It’s Jorge.

 

happier
Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.

 

ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.

Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.

Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”

SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.19.29 PM
“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.

 

Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.

Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-20 at 11.21.59 PM
Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???

 

The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.

He killed her son.

Spoiler.

More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.

Good Idea.

I mean, obviously not the best idea.

But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.

I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!

Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!

What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.