Spider-Girls #1 comic book recap

OOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I picked up a Marvel comic book!

And once I cracked it open, I realized I had no idea what was going on in it because it apparently takes place after a series I am currently not reading, Spider-Geddon #2. SO if you are reading the Spider-Geddon you already know more than me about these Spider-Girls. But I don’t care and I shall plow through this comic book recap with the confidence of a white man.

This comic book is written by Jody Houser. The cover artist is Yasmine Putri…there may be variant cover, but this is the one I got!

Anyways the “Spider-Girls” in this comic book are as follows: May “Mayday” Parker AKA Spider-Woman Earth-982, Anya Corazon (Spider-Girl) and Annie May Parker (Spiderling). Their names are all so similar it is annoying but we will power through! …..With the confidence of white men.

It is briefly explained to us that May and Anya are working on a way to defeat these Spider-eating beings called “Inheritors.” IDK. Apparently it’s a thing. And all these different earths and realities and universes really confuse me, too. Anyways, the two Spider-Girls are lyke “we have to travel to this Earth-Universe-Reality thing that hasn’t been attacked by the Inheritors and find out why.

Which leads us to Annie’s reality. Where she and her father, Spider-Man and her mother, Mary-Jane all fight crime together. Annie has this interesting spider power where she has an extra special spider-sense that allows her to see visions.

Annie, MJ, and Peter are swinging around the city fighting a gang of Vulture kids. They easily take them out and Annie is like monologuing this whole time about how she has a “suped-up spider-sense and she’s been a hero practically her whole life. Um brag much?

1DB1760C-951E-43BA-8288-FB26819EE320
Why does she wear a purse?

Then Peter makes a terrible Wolverine-based “joke”- and I say “joke” because it wasn’t funny, but for some reason it is later referred to as a joke so that is why it needs the quotes.

Anyways after the “joke” Annie blacks out for a second and nearly falls to her death. Luckily her dad is able to scoop her up. They head home to figure out what is making Annie blackout.

E59086DB-CF3B-4EDD-AFDE-D68A43D1A696
You should write for shouts and murmurs

Anya and May show up in Earth-18119 and Anya immediately remarks that they beat the Inheritors here so that is good. And also that the Spider or Spiders on this Earth, have a deep connection to the “Web of Life.”

The Spider-Girls are having a time enjoying New York City and taking it all in before it is inevitably destroyed like every other NYC the Inheritors have been through. While they’re checking the place out they see a giant image of the family of spiders. And then Anya makes some weird ass comment.

Anya: A whole family of spiders? But that doesn’t look like you! Mayday, are you okay?

And May day is like “yeah I’m totallyyy fine.” But she lyke, is not fine.

BACK AT THE HOME OF THE SPIDERS

Annie’s parents are concerned about her blackouts. And she’s being a defiant little snob. She must be a teenager because she is annoying. Her parents are like “take a break from the superhero routine.” And she’s all “no way, I had a vision that something bad is coming and I need to protect people.” Vomit.

C0F97F27-451A-402D-AA7D-1092758E70EA
bad news ur dad is a creep

Also why the heck does Peter Parker have a teenage daughter and still look 18?

Allofasudden she has another vision and she tells her parents to suit up because some shit is going down.

Next scene Anya and May are taking down more vultures. They knock them out and keep swinging, when May falls out of the sky, similarly to how Annie fell out earlier. She falls on a roof so she’s fine, but then this huge Vulture man pops up.

63A197F2-92E0-4B0A-8F74-B61257062E7B
You aint squashed a damn thing, vulture and you know it!

But before they can fight him, the Spider family shows up to save the day. They immediately decide to team up and they beat the shit out of everybody.

0650A8AB-D9DD-41A2-A948-301FBEB1CB13
THWIP! THWAP! THWOP!

After the fight they do introductions and MJ nearly starts crying when she finds out May’s name. Because I guess that her first born died and her name was Mayday Parker. So…WEIRD.

They all head back to the Spider family’s home and Anya and May let them know about the Inheritors.

Anya takes out these spider scrolls she has been carrying around like a yoga mat all day long and Annie is like “This shit is fucking with my visions, hoe.”

And they’re all “Visions? Whhaaa?”

And Annie is like “omg pay attention.”

May is like “Well this means this is the hoe we lookin for because she has a connection to the scrolls.”

Annie is like “I ain’t a hoe.”

Then Mary Jane hides in a  corner and cries and Annie is like “what’s wrong mom, is it weird that your dead alternate daughter is alive and here in your house?”

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG, ANNIE!

Then immediately, Peter and MJ decide to join the Inheritor war in the alternate dimensions, meanwhile they’re just gonna leave their teenage daughter alone in this reality with these two strangers they literally met an hour before and try to figure out some fucking “mystical scrolls!” What sort of parents are these???

A54B5BBE-52BF-4700-8954-041488EC514E
someone call social services

What did ya’ll think of Spider-Girls #1?

I thought it was cute. It seems like it’s going to be a nice, fun read which will be a nice break from the dramatic shit I am currently watching and reading now. Like The Haunting of Hill House. OMFG. That show is the spookiest thing I’ve seen all year. But now I have a nice little comic book to chill me out after screaming for an hour every episode, so that is nice.

 

Ant-Man and The Wasp #1 2018 – Comic Book Recap –

In the spirit of the new Ant-Man and Wasp movie coming out, I have decided to recap the Ant-Man and Wasp series that has been out for a couple of months now. I believe issue #3 came out this past Wednesday, so if you like what I have to say here then you can head to your local Comic book store and pick up all three issues today. Which is best because the worst part of comic books is waiting forever for the next issue. It is so sad and disheartening. It’s like worse than waiting for the next episode of your favorite TV show to come out. Ya know…cause lyke…its longer?

ANYWAYS. THIS COMIC BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY MARK WAID AND DRAWN BY JAVIER GARRON. WITH AN ACCENT MARK.

We get a brief introduction to the original Ant-Man and the Wasp. Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne the dynamic duo and married avenger couple. Then they’re all “This is not their story.” And thank God because The new Hank Pym is 35 and the new Wasp is a teenager. So shit is creepy if they were a couple.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.09.39 PM
I very much enjoy how short the pants were of so many villains and heroes in the 1800s.

 

Their partnership reminds me of Hawkeye and Hawkeye, but with less kinship.

The real story begins with Scott Lang (Ant-Man) being on a weird ass planet cause he was on an adventure with the guardians of the galaxy and he needs to be saved by Nadia Van Dyne (Wasp). She doesn’t like him because Scott stole her dads Pym particle shit. But they’re sort of friends anyway.

He’s lyke, I have to go home cause it’s my daughters birthday and I got her this space flower.

So she’s lyke erm, fine.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.21.20 PM
Who is this bald guy? WTF

 

And she takes this blaster and says he has to take off microscopically and she’ll catch him with this weird ass raygun.

Of course, he misses the window so she has to come to the planet to get him. OTHERWISE THERE WOULDNT BE A STORY NOW WOULD THERE!

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.23.50 PM
She got smaller lips than Kylie Jenner at 16.

 

So she lands on the creepy ass planet and they’re speaking this weird language. She finds Scott and she’s like um what are they saying. And he’s like omg you don’t have a translator? What an idiot. So he lets her borrow his and it turns out they’re chanting “souls, souls, souls.” Cause they think that Scott and Nadia stole their souls. Something about them wearing red. IDK they say a lot of weird shit in this comic book that you just have to accept and move on from.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.27.42 PM
OMG NO RED?! BUT WE, WE ARE WEARING RED! HOW TERRIBLY INCONVENIENT!!

 

So Nadia is all, “we’re not stealing their souls!” And Scott is all, “Ya but this guy is.”

And its this really creepy goopy looking guy. And Nadia says they shouldn’t interfere because it’s not their planet and it’s probably the natural order of things and Scott is all “they’re in pain!” And Nadia says okay because she is a teenager and a 35-year-old white man told her it was a good idea and she assumed he was right because he is older and a man. WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN.

TURNS OUT HE’S AN IDIOT.

So they go after the goopy glob man. POW BANG. Ya know. Wasp charges him and he beats her down, then Scott is lyke well if you can’t do anything then I can’t either. So Wasp is all use light to kill him, dummy. And Scott doesn’t have his cell on him but he does have Pym particles so he blows up the guy with light particles.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.40.18 PM
This glob man is a very lazy looking villain.

 

Unfortunately, all that explosions shit gets into Wasp’s eyes and she’s blind. And she’s the only who can “see” their way off this planet. SO HOHOHO the shit just got real.

 

Screenshot 2018-07-06 at 4.39.54 PM
FIERCE LEWK BETCH! YA BEST BELIEVE IM COSPLAYING THIS SHIT

 

Does that mean she’s blind or is she very very high?

READ ISSUE #2 TO FIND OUT!

OUT NOW!!!

Also #3.

BAI!!!!!!!!!!!

Deadpool Assassin #1 Recap

We all know Deadpool. Merc with a mouth. We all love him. And if you don’t you can get the fuck off this blog right now.

This issue is the #1 issue in a series of 6. I think. Which is great because I like these shorter stories that have proper endings n shit. SAGA WILL NEVER END THO THANK GOD!

So Deadpool is back to his roots basically of fighting for whoever has the biggest paycheck for him. His roots to me are his team up with Cable though. That was the first series I read where I fell completely in love with him. UGH it was sooo funny. True Masterpiece. All around great work. SPEAKING OF GREAT WORK. THIS PIECE OF SHIT WAS WRITTEN BY CULLEN BUNN AND THE MASTERFUL ART WAS CREATED BY MARK BAGLEY. BOOM.

###

Anyways out story begins with a group of soldiers or something on a plane about to make a drop or do something crazy in Bagalia and they’re reminiscing over the crazy times they had in Colombia. I wonder if they ran into Hit-Girl? Probs not because they would all be dead.

We don’t see Deadpool at first in the plane, but we do see his yellow caption bubbles.

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 12.40.03 PM
Vapors means hysteria btw. I looked it up. 

Cause he crazy. Remember when he had three personalities? What was that about?

Everyone is chatting and two men decide to talk shit about Deadpool right in front of him saying they don’t like him. Deadpool kinda looks at that ginger kid and assumes they’re talking about him. Which, he does have red hair so its possible.

Now Deadpool’s vapors have made him decide to murder everyone on the plane. Which can’t be the plan can it? The boss wanted Deadpool on the plane and all but why charter a whole plane in the sky and arm these dudes to the T and then place one mercenary on the plane to kill them all? Like if you’re gonna go through the trouble of getting a plane that you know is going to be destroyed and you’re totally fine with that, then just put a bomb on there or something.

ANYWAYS.

Deadpool stabs everyone while they shoot at him, which I don’t think gunshots are healthy for planes.

IMG_0408

Deadpool waxes poetically about how the gunfire is unnecessary, like not only is it damaging the plane, they don’t just pass through his body. Some of them get lodged. And he doesn’t have enough fiber in his diet to get them through.

Then he goes on to shoot the pilots despite the fact that he does not know how to pilot a plane. It turns out all of this happened because of something that came about a few days ago. When he met Weasel in a supermarket.

Wade/Deadpool is concerned that someone is out to get Weasel because the Weese is being a bit jumpier than usual. Then Wade nonchalantly mentions that when he retires he plans on continuing to make scenes in public places.

Weasel is like “you’re never quitting, just like I’m not. It’s in our blood,”

So Weasel gives him the job. Apparently, some scary monster that used to be a part of the HAND broke out from the hand and now he’s built his own army of ninjas. But everyone hates him because he broke free from the HAND and you can’t do that without dying. Like the Crips and Bloods or whatever. Crime lyfe is crazy.

Then Weese shows him the picture of the guy who was on the plane, Samson “Scars” Green. He runs his own mercenary “outfit” with soldiers from various bs outlets like Hydra and SHIELD.

Weasel is like which one do you want to murder because we can make a lot of money taking either one of them down.

That brings us back to doe. I mean the plane. He’s standing over the dead bodies of the dumb ass mercenaries, as his plane crashes down into the territory of the HAND runaway monster guy.

SO THEN The HAND guy is like “shoot it down” to his minions, and they make the plane explode, but it was all a part of the plan. Deadpool strapped all the dead bodies into these flying devices and attacks all the shojen soldiers or whatever the fuck they call themselves.

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 1.41.52 PM

Deadpool straps himself in too, but he’s still alive.

But he lyke broke his sword. 😦

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 1.43.29 PM.png
Told ya

 

He beats up these bald buddah wannabes and gets kinda upset because there are no ninjas.

Luckily if you think it they will come. So all these ninjas show up and he beats them all up!

 

IMG_0412
Wishes do come true.

From this scene we’re in Wade Wilson’s apartment and lil Weezy is there. With a name tag on that says “Jack” that sounds about right. The timeline is after the grocery store and before the plane. V CONFUSING.

Weseal shows Deadpool his new set of weapons and they’re pretty nice but you can be the judge.

 

IMG_0409
lil deadpool grenades! SO CUTEE!!

Weasel warns Deadpool that doing two jobs at once is a little much, but whatever. Then Deadpool is like “erm I told you I want to retire and put down roots somewhere. I need the money to get out of this apartment and buy an island. I WANNA GROW UP! I don’t get the same thrills from killing anymore. I wanna have babies and get married. REAL THRILLS.”

Just then Weasel takes a mysterious phone call from a stranger who is demanding a dozen of something. The convo is mad awkward and is reminiscent of when a friend of yours answers the phone call of their significant other whom they have not told you about yet. IN FACT, ITS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

BACK TO NINJA KILLING.

Deadpool kills all the ninjas despite the fact that they all have iron fists. Spoiler. He throws his baby deadpool grenades at them and they explode and their body parts fly everywhere!

Deadpool catches one iron and fist and says hrm.

 

Screenshot 2018-06-23 at 2.00.04 PM.png
I WANT ONE TOO!

Deadpool comes face to face with the Monster man who has tentacles btw. Weird. Anyways their convo is like this.

Monster: You look like you’re about to keel over and die.

DP: Probs.

Monster: You think you’re gonna win?

DP: No. I just assumed you would see what I did to your whole crew of ninjas and baby Buddhas and just run away?

Monster: *Sticks tentacles into Deadpool’s stomach*

The monster brings Deadpool close to him and looks him in the eye as he has his tentacles piercing through him and Deadpool is all, “bad idea.”

Cause you know he has a glowing iron fist, So he punches the monster with it and lyke this happens.

 

 

 

 

 

IMG_0411
Into it.

Deadpool punches this guy and passes out after calling himself the Immoral Deadpoolfist, sworn defender of Pepe’s taco house, eater of multiple nacho baskets. etc, etc.

After he passes out from using that much power, we’re in a new scene where he’s riding in Weasel’s car. Wade/ DP scrounges around Weseal’s glove box and pulls out an ultra ugly gold wedding band. I don’t get it why do people get those? Anyways, Wade is like wtf you’re married am I the other woman?? And Weasel is like Clarice, my wife, doesn’t know about any of this. But I can’t give it up because being normal sucks. Then Wade is like you’ve got a good thing going, don’t fuck it up by staying in this merc business.

A few days later he’s on his couch texting weasel looking for jobs. But he never responds.

TO BE CONTINUED.

What did you guys think about this issue? I was unimpressed. The quips were okay, but all in all I think everything could have been better. It just seems a little surface level. Deadpool can be so much fun and this fell flat. I am unimpressed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Man Hawkeye #1 Comic Book Review

Old Man Hawkeye finally gets HIS SIDE of the story told in this prequel series from the Old Man Logan story that came out years and years ago. One thing, I don’t talk about much is art, but the dystopian background art in this book is breathtaking. I really dig it. I feel like I’m in Mad Max Fury Road with Hawkeye by my side, and that is now my real life’s fantasy.

The background of this story is that 45 years ago the supervillains took over the world and killed all the heroes. Minus a few, like Hawkeye and Logan. Now the USA is divided up into these dirty ass territories where people live half-lives under the fear of their terrifying regime. This is an America without Hope, or with Trump if it pleases you.

Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye has been hired by Jebediah Hammer to protect him on a smuggling mission. Hawkeye doesn’t want to drive through a dangerous ravine because it is “bandit territory.” Or the equivalent of a rural state today I would say, as there are no rules in places like that. You ever been to a bar in Michigan when you’re 12? I have.

A sniper shoots the back part of the semi truck Hawkeye and Hammer are driving and they crash. Hammer is all “Why didn’t you see the rock?”

Um probably f*cking because there was no f*cking rock.

He thinks they ran over a rock! I, mean, I wasn’t there but that seems pretty dumb to me.

They get out of the truck and Hawkeye is looking for a jack to fix the truck up but then allofasudden there are 9 guys right behind him wearing bandanas and holding guns.

The bandits want whatever they’re smuggling, but Hawkeye has other plans.

 

hawkeye
Old Man Hawkeye could still get it.

He then “THOK!S” them all in the head with arrows, all but one I mean.

Ya. He missed.

As it turns out, he’s got glaucoma. Since he’s not in California or Colorado I’m sure he’s not even getting the right kind of treatment for it either.

His doctor is Claire Temple, a former love interest of Luke Cage.

Hawkeye tells her that he want’s vengeance on the villains for killing all of his friends as he lovingly strokes a picture of the Power Man.

 

stroke
They got Rosario Dawson to play me, I win everything.

 

She tells him he only has a few weeks to a few months before he goes completely blind and advises him that if he wants to do anything or see anything, to do it now.

So he goes to see Logan, because they are best friends, except only in Clint’s head. Logan does not seem too happy to see Clint.

Oh, and Clint brought him an X-Box for his son. Like, what? Why? 45 years ago? What year does this take place? Why are there still X-Boxes lying around? Also, this deserted Mad Max looking place seems like electricity is more of a luxury than a standard, so I’m a bit confused.

Clint informs Logan that he wants justice, and Logan is like “Nah, I have a family. Get out of here.”

So Hawkeye is like, “whatever take this old-ass X-Box anyway, ho.”

So before he embarks on his next mission he goes to see his daughter, Ashley. His ex-wife is chilling at home with her Ultron-8 robot husband or something. It’s all very strange and I don’t understand it.

Ashley is this emo-ish rocker chick that throws darts at a poster of her father in his purple Hawkeye uniform for fun. Great haircut though.

 

Screenshot 2018-03-20 at 7.28.02 PM
Sick burn, Ash.

 

Also, why does this girl look white and have blue eyes if her mother is black? Da fuq? She can have brown eyes and darker skin and she can still be Clint’s daughter.

Anyways, this whole exchange is very awkward and sad. He doesn’t know how to talk to her and she’s pushing him away because he’s never been there for her, and she just wants him to try harder, but he doesn’t know that because she won’t tell him that.

Ash: Why are you here?

Clint: I wanted to see you, I’m going somewhere and I might not come back.

Ash: Well, you saw me. Bye.

Clint: Bye.

HEARTBREAKING. But did we expect Hawkeye to be a good father? This is why we need abortions, people.

Hawkeye goes to cry by his car outside, and in other news, that bandit that he missed is wandering through the mountains dying of thirst. He scoops up some water, but when he puts it to his lips he realizes that it’s black. Which is unexpected, to say the least. What is even more unexpected is that the black water is not even water, nor is it a liquid, it’s a symbiote. Ya know, like Venom. Or exactly Venom, I should say.

Two redneck looking sheriffs come upon the scene of where Hawkeye shot eight dudes and they’re like, “looks me to like that there is some bandit on bandit crime I’ll tell ya what.”

Then this guy in the shadows with a red laser eye is all, “no, you’re dumb.”

Sherriffs: I say now, ha-why are you at this crime scene, ma’boy?

Laser eyes: You aren’t looking close enough at the crime scene. Eight arrows, eight bodies, eight dug graves. Only heroes dig graves for dead people. And also, shut up I’m your boss.

Sherriff: Ohhhh you’re Old Man Bullseye. I see. Only with a laser eye and an evil cliche mustache.

Bullseye: Just call me Bullseye. Or Lester even.

Sherriff: Riiiggghhhttt…

 

bullseye
Then he twirls the mustache with his finger.

Why is there, like, mush coming out from around his eye-thing? What the f*ck is happening here?

I can’t wait to see what happens next! I mean, I already purchased #2, so I know what happens immediately next, but I have a feeling this series is gonna be a good one! What do you guys think??

 

 

Captain Marvel

The Queen is getting herself a blog post.

Bout time.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

So it starts off in a confusing way as I am always confused about everything always. It’s a movie set and there’s a woman playing captain Marvel but it’s before she got her bad ass haircut, and then there’s a chubby dude playing her love interest.

Captain Marvel is watching from afar with her friend and she’s utterly disgusted at how she’s being portrayed/ treated by the love interest.

So why is she allowing this movie to happen? Why to fund the Alpha Flight of course!

Carole gets into a fight with the director and apparently, it’s not the first time she has complained about the movie. First, it was the title, then it was the costume (too much cleavage) and now its the shitty dialogue. She is interrupted in her fight with the director by her Beyonce ringtone. Who has a ringtone anymore? Don’t we all just have it on vibrate always?

Anyways it’s the president calling her. Normal.

 

IMG_0931
Fuck any porn stars lately?

 

So now they’re ready for a mission and we learn that Sasquatch is her chauffeur and that he also eats the cookies that Carole’s fans bake for her. Workin 2 jobs? I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

The Black Forest Refugee camp was attacked by army rangers so now Carole has to save the day. Also, I should mention those army rangers are supposed to be the good guys, so it’s extra weird. Also, they took hostages, one hostage, in particular, catches Danvers’ eye because she’s a little Kree girl.

IMG_0932

Carole got her powers from the Kree people so she feels she has an obligation to this little Kree girl.

The refugee camp looks like a refugee camp and she’s like “whoa something happened here.” I’m like, “bitch that a refugee camp obviously shit happenin here.”

IMG_0933
They all look like this. OR WORSE!

Carole covers some survivors in blankets because that’s what you do when you help people while she needles them with questions about who did it and where the little girl is.

There’s a guy blowing up the watchtower so Carole is like “I should probably start there.”

And it turns out that was the correct choice because there’s a bad man holding the little Kree girl off of the watchtower’s edge.

He’s a bounty hunter and a floating orb hovers over to him and he forces the girl inside.

 

IMG_0934
Orby-thing

 

Apparently, the blue-skinned Kree are protected by intergalactic accord, so what he is doing is extra bad. Like shooting a white kid over a black kid.

SO this bounty hunter is a shape-shifting son of a gun and he shifts into the little Kree girl and she’s attacking him and it looks like she’s attacking the Kree kid. Obv. Idk why I double explained that.

Carole blows up the watchtower and takes off with the floating orb that contains the Kree child and brings it into the Alpha Flight spaceship and shows off her new bestowal to her friends.

 

IMG_0937
Casually blowing shit up

 

They let the kid out of the pod and she only knows the word “no.” so that’s a whole thing.

Everyone on Alpha Flight is pretty disgusted by the kid, but kids are disgusting so it makes a lot of sense.

Since the child doesn’t speak English they get a universal translator and it turns out the child is really dumb. She can’t speak any language she just repeats what people say to her.

They decide to call her Bean, which is cute but then I think about that annoying kid Beans from Even Stevens and then I don’t think it’s cute anymore.

Carole attends her board meeting with Captain America and Black Panther and…others and she’s like I don’t want to do your work until I’m done with mine and they’re like uh no. You have to do it.

Then this shadow appears.

 

IMG_0938
WHO ARE YOU!?

 

And says that they acquired the “bounty” and that Carole Danvers took the Kree girl as “bait.” Then the shadow turns into CAROLE!

Bang. Got her.

Shit’s gonna get weird. With a whole mess of intergalactic refugees trying to head to Earth and our president doesn’t even want Mexicans here so, lyke, we gotta figure this ! And Black Panther doesn’t even care. He’s out sitting in Wakanda, Like whatever. Fuck this I live in Wakanda and the rest of the world can burn I’ll be fine. Or that’s what I imagine he’s thinking anyways.

Did you like this comic book? Has anyone read the series? Let me know if it gets better and I should continue. I heard that I have to continue reading Runaways that it gets better after a slow initial start.

Sentry

So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.

Probably.

This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.

Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.

Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.

His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.

I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.

He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.

So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.

IMG_0902

He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”

So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.

In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.

He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-

 

IMG_0905
PRESH!

 

After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.

He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.

 

old suit
Fatty.

 

He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”

Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.

But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.

He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.

So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.

 

IMG_0911
Rare pic of the “confluctor”

 

He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.

 

IMG_0909
Bad doggie, no!

 

So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”

And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.

His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.

IMG_0914

Trigger warning.

Did I say that too late?

Probably.

Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”

And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”

And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.

So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.

 

img_0910.png
Kinda still limp over there…

 

Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.

Oh yeah her name is Lindy.

Dumb fucking name.

Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.

So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.

 

IMG_0912
YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD A STAPLE YA FOOL?

 

Then he takes off, flying into the air.

So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.

I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.

ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.

Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?

Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.

That is all.

 

BATTLEWORLD

Battleworld takes place after the multiverse was destroyed. The Earth has been taken over by zombies and this region of Battleworld is holding off the zombies and being led by Elsa Bloodstone, daughter of Ulysses Bloodstone, a hunter formally with the 1950s Avengers who had a large Bloodgem embedded into his chest.

Same.

Elsa is a crazy human.

Same.

This story begins with someone spilling her tea and now she has brown spots all over her. She’s very mad and she shoots the zombie who probably made her spill her tea. I should probably paint this picture right? So they’re in some sort of fortress and the walls are very high, but the zombies are climbing up and there’s a soldier laying dying on the ground. And he’s crying and she’s like “shut up, rookie.” And he’s all “you’re mean. I got bitten I’m going to turn into a zombie and you’re gonna shoot me and probably laugh about it right afterward. Be nice to me!”

 

IMG_0814
What kind of tea stains like that? Certainly not Earl Grey.

 

So she decides to be nice to him by lying to him and tells him that his wounds aren’t infected and he’s going to live, and he is like “omg thank god!”

Then she shoots him.

Moving on, her sergeant comes over and tells her that they’ve identified a leader of this pack and it is not good news.

 

IMG_0815
Eh. Not my type.

 

It is Azazel, father of Nightcrawler and leader of the demon BAMFS. So this makes him extremely terrifying because he can teleport around everywhere kicking people off buildings, punching them, killing them whatever.

He bamfs around for a few more before Elsa shoots him in the face. She goes to finish the job and he wraps his tail around her leg and teleports out of there with Elsa in tow. She finishes him off with a deathly blow, but not before he has teleported her miles away from her base.

 

IMG_0822
Azazel AKA the Red Terror AKA the Purple Pouf

 

She passes out for a second and has a flashback from her past. She is a young girl with her father, Ulysses, and let’s just say there’s a lot of terrifying abuse going on in that household. First of all, she is 7 years old and he had a pygmy demon attack her and she lost. Then he’s like calling her weak and she’s like “dude, I’m seven!” And he’s like “we’re hunters. We have to serve the people.” And then about ten more mini demons appear to beat her up again and he tells her to get up.

Which is weird, because there’s a little boy in the here-and-now telling her to get up, cause you know, she passed out.

Then this guy shows up and wakes her ass up real quick.

 

IMG_0826
More my type.

 

Then she quotes Arrested Development and shoots him in the tentacle.

 

IMG_0827
But where did the lighter fluid come from?

Once she is done stomping him into the ground for touching her without permission, which yes, you go, Glenn Coco- she turns her attention to the little boy who tried to wake her up before and she questions him, but he has no memories. CONVENIENT. I don’t trust this little whiney boy. First of all, he’s bald, why? There are no razors in the apocalypse! Ain’t nobody got time to maintain a shaved head. Second of all he’s in the middle of Zombieland and appears completely unscathed. But therein lies the mystery I suppose. Oh he kind of looks like a monk though, right?

 

IMG_0818
Nice tracksuit. Rihanna would be proud.

 

She realizes that she is 200 miles south of her SHIELD base. I would probs just shoot myself at that point but she decides to move onward and take the street urchin with her.

Then she says “This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We are almost certainly going to perish… Nice day for it, mind.”

Wow, she is way cooler than everyone ever.

The urchin boy wants to go south instead of north back to the base. His reasoning is that it is a mystery and since they will definitely die if they go north, they might as well try south because he’s got a “good feeling” about it.

OKAY. It’s a trap.

Anyways, she’s like “no, fuck off.”

And he’s like “shut up.”

And she’s like “wtf bitch?”

And he’s like “there’s a juggernaut zombie charging us because he heard us because you wouldn’t stop talking.”

 

IMG_0819
Juggerzombie

 

So the Juggerzombie attacks Elsa and she’s like “little boy shoot this dude,” and he goes to shoot him and then this happens.

IMG_0831
Like…what? How even…

Luckily Elsa has a part of her father’s bloodgem around her neck in a necklace and that for some reason comes alive and blasts the Juggerzombie in the face and then Elsa stomps him out with her boot heel. This is like, the third time she’s done that to someone in the last hour. But whatever works, ya know?

Urchin boy asks Elsa how her magic necklace works and she says it has never done anything like that before. SO WE’VE GOT A SECOND MYSTERY WE NEED TO SOLVE ON THIS JOURNEY. Wow, they are just setting this story up for greatness around every corner.

Also, Elsa has daddy issues up the wazoo. The urchin won’t stop crying and she’s like shut up and she has a flashback to when her dad kept yelling at her to stop crying and being weak. And she doesn’t want to be like her father so she apologizes to the little urchin boy and they continue on.

However, there’s scads and scads of zombies below the mountain they’re looking off of.

 

IMG_0832
They’re all headed North btw.

 

They decide to head south because Elsa decides that “unknown horror” is better than “certain doom.” She tells the little boy to watch their backs because a “hunter being hunted is just plain tacky.” I gotta agree. Too bad there is a monster following them.

TO BE CONTINUED.

WOW! DANGER! MYSTERY! ZOMBIES! DADDY ISSUES! This issue had it all. Elsa Bloodstone is the baddest bitch on Earth and I want everyone to buy this comic book and tell every single one of your friends to also buy it and let’s buy everything that she ever does because this was amazing. There’s nothing better than a girl with daddy issues. Ask anyone!

The Fearless Defenders

WOWOWOWOWOW

Awesome team-up alert.

Valkyrie, the last Asgardian Defender and Misty Knight, formally with the Daughters of the Dragons and bff to the Heroes for Hire, are on the cover together so I guess now they’re bff.

I want to be Misty Knight for a cosplay after seeing this fantastic update to her costume. She looks like she was plucked out of a VIP booth in Studio 54.

However, I’m not black so I can’t otherwise I’d be hypocrite for being mad at white real housewives whenever they dress up as Diana Ross. And I do mean everytime they do it because it happens a lot.

We’re getting off topic. Okay, yes, I am. You’re fine.

There’s a prologue of Valkyrie saying verily and then the skies rain blood down upon her, blah but the real story begins with a huge BOOM coming from a boat racing through a storm on the Atlantic Ocean. The seamen ha need to secure all the crates because they’re slipping all over the place on account of the rain.

Somehow Misty Knight is on this boat. It is not explained how or when she got on, but she is not wanted because some guy comes up behind her with a gun.

IMG_0781
She’s gotta have lost those big ass hoop earrings on at least 20 missions.

Knight remains unphased, however, as she simply spins around and kicks him in the shin and tosses him overboard into the violent ocean waves below.

Then she decides that one possible manslaughter charge is not nearly enough trouble to be into, so she jumps out from her hiding spot to take on all the dudes on this boat. And she says these badass things that I’m too lazy to type:

IMG_0782
Can you imagine?! Chills.

She then proceeds to beat up everyone.

IMG_0784
Stirrup leggings! Genius. BUT WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? 

After she attacks everyone out of NOWHERE she steals the thing that they were stealing. It’s a small statue that looks like a load of crap to her because it’s small and it’s ugly and it looks extremely old and rundown.  She continues to look around since there’s gotta be something better here and there’s also mummified bodies wearing warrior armor, which is mad creepy.

IMG_0791
Verily.

A helicopter is randomly coptering from above and she’s like “ew, get this light off of me, rude.”

These helicopter people start shooting at her from above. But she has a bionic arm with repulsor tech so she can’t be shot. Then they bring out a rocket launcher and she’s like, “gotta go.” So she takes her chances into the wild, choppy ocean as the boat explodes behind her.

IMG_0785
Gun violence is never the answer.

Somehow before the boat had exploded, they were able to grab the crates. IDK. So Misty is swimming off while the helicopter people speak about a future massacre they’re planning with these mummified bodies.

Knight returns to her employer and goes off on the girl who employed her, yelling about how mercenaries with rocket launchers came to sabotage her simple smuggling mission. But her employer, Dr. Annabelle Riggs, some sort of archaeologist? Anyways she works for a museum and that’s why she wants relics like this.

IMG_0787
“Secret” history. Oh my.

Misty: Is it worth anything?

Annabelle: You didn’t think the rocket launchers were a tip off it’s worth something?

Dr. Riggs starts trailing off thinking aloud about what it might be and she comes to the conclusion that it is Asgardian. And I totally believe her because Valkyrie is on this cover, too. So she’s messing around with the statue and finds a seam and the statue clicks open and starts singing an awful song.

Annabelle: Oh a music box.

Misty: This music sucks. Turn it off.

Annabelle: Nope, got to record it on my iPhone.

Misty: Hey what are you surveying here at this dig site?

Annabelle: A viking grave.

Misty: What a massive coincidence…

IMG_0788
Reminds me of, lyke, when Harry Potter had to open up that egg underwater to hear more than just screeches.

So long story short, these vikings come alive and start attacking the archaeologists, so it’s up to Misty Knight to save the day with her Satan Claw.

IMG_0789
Oh sorry, it’s the second version I guess.

During the middle of Knight kicking butt, a giant flying horse lands behind her, and atop of said horse is Valkyrie.

img_0763.png
YES! Good guess, omg.

They inadvertently team up and fight off these viking dudes with a lot of THOKS, THOOMS and SHHRAAKS.

Dr. Riggs walks out with the singing statue and Valkyrie is like hey turn that off the reason they’re alive is cause the song, and Dr. Riggs is like OMG you’re a Valkyrie that’s so amazing, let’s make out. And they do.

IMG_0766
Gotta make sure there’s a lesbian scene so fanboys can jerk off.

Valkyrie grabs the statue and destroys it, turning all of the zombie vikings into dust.

Val: Great that’s over, gotta go.

Annabelle: You destroyed my dig site and years of research I’m coming with you to get some answers.

Val: No.

Annabelle: Yes.

Val: Okay.

Misty: I’ll come, too. Nothing like a third wheel on an adventure to an eternal realm.

So it’s settled. Val then tells them that the statue sang the song of the “Blighted Host of slaughter, carrion, filth, vermin, deceit, insanity, torture, seduction and rage.” Huge job for one guy. They could have probably passed down some of the responsibilities to another host, but CEOs amiright?

Then she goes on to say that the music box said the “Doommaidens” were rising and that it’s all Val’s fault. YIKES. Um she’s the only one who understood what they were saying and she just outed herself like right away. I would have kept my mouth shut. They’d be like what else did they say? And I’d be like “ummm…nothing. Nothing at all. WHY? Who said they said something?”

But I’m not a Valkyrie and thank Yeezus for that because we would all be dead rn.

I assume that if I were to ascend to any seat of power, we’d all be in mortal peril.

Did you like this? If you did not, why? Because you’re dumb? Let me know so we can grow and change together.

Have you read this series? It’s from 2013 so you may not remember, but if you happened to have missed it- I highly recommend picking it up. Misty Knight is my new favorite. Thank you to the commenter who said I missed her in my post about Marvel women who need their own movies. You were hella right about this bad betch. In the words of Fabolous, “you make me better.”

 

Avengers + X-Men = Kitty Pryde x Spider-Woman (Lockheed) Solve for Y.

I said I would start 2018 with some bad betches.

Perhaps you could tell by my icon or maybe you could not, but I love Jessica Drew. She is my favorite Spider-Woman.

Sometimes Kitty Pryde bothers me because of her perpetual ponytail, but other than that I’m pretty down with the girl. She rose through those X-Man ranks really quickly…even though she didn’t want to…and for some reason she has a dragon? I didn’t read the story where that happened, I just picked up an X-Men comic one day and BOOM pet dragon. I’ve accepted it and you should, too.

So based on the prologue one thing you should know is that Lockheed the dragon is in love with Spider-Woman. I must have also missed that story where they fell in love, but she does bring it up later and apparently they met in space. (Bare with me.) (Bear?)

So the story begins and it turns out that Lockheed has a cell phone because he and Spider-Woman were texting and decided that the three of them should head into the city and save some shit.

IMG_0737
I wonder who his provider is?

In this case, shit is a precious metal from space that S.W.O.R.D and the Russian Mafia are after.

I must bring to light that Kitty is acting like a real twat right now because she’s mad that Spider-Woman woke her up on a “school night.” Bitch, you a superhero.

Anyways Spider-Woman “woke her up” because Lockheed can sniff out space metals. What, like it’s hard?

Lockheed catches the scent and they’re off, but not without Kitty snarling off about hoping Spider-Woman and Lockheed both get fired from S.W.O.R.D. Methinks thou doth protest too much, but your story is being written by a man, therefore there will be a lot of limits to your personality. Not your fault, girl.

So they discover that Absorbing Man has the magic metal and the ladies mull their mutual disgust over him choosing to not wear a shirt. Listen men, if you won’t respect yourselves don’t expect us to respect you.

img_0736-e1517102295700.png
WOOOWWW you deserve whatever harassment you get with that much showing off.

Lockheed attacks some men in hazmat yellow suits from above, and clearly these suits are inflammable. Which means flammable. Confusing, right?

IMG_0738
“Inflammable”

Kitty can’t stop talking about her students even during battle, and while she mulls over ideas for her “other” occupation we get an obligatory butt shot right before she grabs the space rock.

IMG_0739
That’s quite a spinal column, Jessica.

Kitty: Hey, Jessica, is this rock radioactive?

Jessica: Are you holding it?

Kitty: …YES!

Jessica: Then NOPE.

We move forward, although I don’t necessarily believe Spider-Woman’s information about the radioactivity within this rock.

The Absorbing Man, tries to grab the rock from Kitty, but he can’t because she’s made it “intangible,” which does, in fact, mean “not tangible.” Confusing. She then puts it inside a solid pillar that is helping to hold up the New York subway station they are fighting inside of, so they can “talk.”

But he doesn’t want to talk, which is not at all surprising because he’s not one of those smart villians that thinks things through, he’s one of those ‘fight first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Which makes his next move, to throw a wrecking ball that he keeps chained to his body into the pillar to grab the radioactive space rock metal thing in-surprising.

IMG_0740
Woops.

Kitty lets him absorb the rock and I think she does this because she wanted to deliver this line.

Kitty: You know , if you REALLY want to improve yourself, how about absorbing a book.

HA. Got ’em.

On the other side of the subway, Spider-Woman is climbing on the walls while men in hazmat suits run from her. What she has done to make them run from her is unknown. Then she’s like, “um, did you let him absorb the rock like exactly what I told you not to do?”

And Kitty’s like “yes, but only because I have some fancy new power gains that I need to show off.”

So, she goes off into this long monologue about how fear had kept her from really using her powers until she take off her gloves and puts her hand on Absorbing Man’s head and reaches into his brain to stop the blood flow. Which makes the metal stop working in his body.

IMG_0741
Now you better really hope that shit ain’t radioactive.

He passes out and Kitty starts giving commands to Hydra agents (who were there the whole time and I didn’t mention them because they just stood around until this scene…) and also the hazmat guys to clean up all the rubble and to move Absorbing Man’s body to another location.

IMG_0745
What have you been doing this WHOLE TIME, Hydra?

Spider-Woman has her glowing rock no thanks to herself but all thanks to Kitty. So she thanks Kitty for “helping.” When really she did all of the work.

Kitty’s like “whatever bitch, I’m going home.”

And Spider-Woman is like “I emit a pheromone that makes women uncomfortable.”

And Kitty is like “Nah that ain’t why I don’t like you, but still consider us to be friends.”

Then the real trouble arises when Kitty asks Lockheed who he is going home with.

Unfortunately that is a mystery that the writer has allowed you to figure out for yourself. That writing technique is either very lazy or very smart.

IMG_0747
Did the top ever stop spinning? 

Have your read this issue yet? Did you continue reading the part where Hawkeye and Deadpool go on a small adventure? I didn’t. But I will after I post this and maybe I’ll throw in an extra review this week and put that little storyline in, too.

Avengers + X-Men is the perfect go-to for any Marvel fan that doesn’t have the time to get invested in a crazy ass storyline. You can literally pick up any issue and a small adventure with your favorite characters will charm your pants off. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Rating: 4 billion stars out of a possible 3 billion.

IMG_0746
In-impressed with your bullshit.

Iron Fist – The Living Weapon #1

Hey nerds.

What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.

I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.

At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.

This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …

“THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST!”

Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.

Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.

He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.

It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.

Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.

IMG_0429

IMG_0430
WOWZA!

The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.

Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.

HE PUNCHES THE HELICOPTER AND IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.

IMG_0432
I’m sorry perhaps you missed the part where he punches a helicopter so hard it explodes.

The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.

Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”

She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.

Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.

IMG_0433
ADORABLE!! But why are the monks sending a 7 year old child to NYC? Like, oh you’re gonna love the big city, Lilly, tons of piss on the street, hookers, and heroin!

She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.

Then this happened.

IMG_0434
NOOOOOO!!!!

Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”

Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.

I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.