Spider-Girls #1 comic book recap

OOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I picked up a Marvel comic book!

And once I cracked it open, I realized I had no idea what was going on in it because it apparently takes place after a series I am currently not reading, Spider-Geddon #2. SO if you are reading the Spider-Geddon you already know more than me about these Spider-Girls. But I don’t care and I shall plow through this comic book recap with the confidence of a white man.

This comic book is written by Jody Houser. The cover artist is Yasmine Putri…there may be variant cover, but this is the one I got!

Anyways the “Spider-Girls” in this comic book are as follows: May “Mayday” Parker AKA Spider-Woman Earth-982, Anya Corazon (Spider-Girl) and Annie May Parker (Spiderling). Their names are all so similar it is annoying but we will power through! …..With the confidence of white men.

It is briefly explained to us that May and Anya are working on a way to defeat these Spider-eating beings called “Inheritors.” IDK. Apparently it’s a thing. And all these different earths and realities and universes really confuse me, too. Anyways, the two Spider-Girls are lyke “we have to travel to this Earth-Universe-Reality thing that hasn’t been attacked by the Inheritors and find out why.

Which leads us to Annie’s reality. Where she and her father, Spider-Man and her mother, Mary-Jane all fight crime together. Annie has this interesting spider power where she has an extra special spider-sense that allows her to see visions.

Annie, MJ, and Peter are swinging around the city fighting a gang of Vulture kids. They easily take them out and Annie is like monologuing this whole time about how she has a “suped-up spider-sense and she’s been a hero practically her whole life. Um brag much?

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Why does she wear a purse?

Then Peter makes a terrible Wolverine-based “joke”- and I say “joke” because it wasn’t funny, but for some reason it is later referred to as a joke so that is why it needs the quotes.

Anyways after the “joke” Annie blacks out for a second and nearly falls to her death. Luckily her dad is able to scoop her up. They head home to figure out what is making Annie blackout.

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You should write for shouts and murmurs

Anya and May show up in Earth-18119 and Anya immediately remarks that they beat the Inheritors here so that is good. And also that the Spider or Spiders on this Earth, have a deep connection to the “Web of Life.”

The Spider-Girls are having a time enjoying New York City and taking it all in before it is inevitably destroyed like every other NYC the Inheritors have been through. While they’re checking the place out they see a giant image of the family of spiders. And then Anya makes some weird ass comment.

Anya: A whole family of spiders? But that doesn’t look like you! Mayday, are you okay?

And May day is like “yeah I’m totallyyy fine.” But she lyke, is not fine.

BACK AT THE HOME OF THE SPIDERS

Annie’s parents are concerned about her blackouts. And she’s being a defiant little snob. She must be a teenager because she is annoying. Her parents are like “take a break from the superhero routine.” And she’s all “no way, I had a vision that something bad is coming and I need to protect people.” Vomit.

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bad news ur dad is a creep

Also why the heck does Peter Parker have a teenage daughter and still look 18?

Allofasudden she has another vision and she tells her parents to suit up because some shit is going down.

Next scene Anya and May are taking down more vultures. They knock them out and keep swinging, when May falls out of the sky, similarly to how Annie fell out earlier. She falls on a roof so she’s fine, but then this huge Vulture man pops up.

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You aint squashed a damn thing, vulture and you know it!

But before they can fight him, the Spider family shows up to save the day. They immediately decide to team up and they beat the shit out of everybody.

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THWIP! THWAP! THWOP!

After the fight they do introductions and MJ nearly starts crying when she finds out May’s name. Because I guess that her first born died and her name was Mayday Parker. So…WEIRD.

They all head back to the Spider family’s home and Anya and May let them know about the Inheritors.

Anya takes out these spider scrolls she has been carrying around like a yoga mat all day long and Annie is like “This shit is fucking with my visions, hoe.”

And they’re all “Visions? Whhaaa?”

And Annie is like “omg pay attention.”

May is like “Well this means this is the hoe we lookin for because she has a connection to the scrolls.”

Annie is like “I ain’t a hoe.”

Then Mary Jane hides in a  corner and cries and Annie is like “what’s wrong mom, is it weird that your dead alternate daughter is alive and here in your house?”

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG, ANNIE!

Then immediately, Peter and MJ decide to join the Inheritor war in the alternate dimensions, meanwhile they’re just gonna leave their teenage daughter alone in this reality with these two strangers they literally met an hour before and try to figure out some fucking “mystical scrolls!” What sort of parents are these???

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someone call social services

What did ya’ll think of Spider-Girls #1?

I thought it was cute. It seems like it’s going to be a nice, fun read which will be a nice break from the dramatic shit I am currently watching and reading now. Like The Haunting of Hill House. OMFG. That show is the spookiest thing I’ve seen all year. But now I have a nice little comic book to chill me out after screaming for an hour every episode, so that is nice.

 

Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas! -Comic book recap-

Hola mis amigos. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.

Okay, that’s as far as my Spanish goes. I stumbled upon this little bookaroo written by none other than Jon Favreau. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Happy his-damn-self. Also the director of the amazing Iron Man movies. Well, the first one was good anyway. I saw it three times in the theater because I am a mess of a person.

This is a Marvel Knights comic book, which means all of these events are taking place just outside of the Marvel Universe. And it’s easy to tell once we get into it.

The artist is Adi Granov and the art is very real. Like these characters look like real people and it really creeps me out. You’ll see.

So before we get started you should know that in this universe everyone thinks that Iron Man is Tony Stark’s bodyguard.

Let the re-story telling begin. Ahem. So ACTUALLY Elsa Bloodstone is here. She’s a bad betch as you may recall from my recap of her Zombie adventure. Now she’s blonde for some reason but ya know bitches can change their hair color from time to time. That’s fine. She is an archaeologist of sorts and she’s representing a rich guy to this man who has dug up a prize. It’s a giant golden lizard or something.

 

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“My father was a douchebag, like his father before him”

 

When they’re bopping around the caves she’s like “Hey why are the guards inside?” And the guy who is showing her around is like “Yeah, good catch. Your dad who is cooler than you really taught you well. These guards are inside because they’re trying to keep the evil that is in here from getting outside.” And she’s all “great, we’ll take it.”

 

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What the fuck is this? It’s like a melted sculpture. What is happening here? It’s a mess.

 

Next, we skip over to Tony Stark. He’s on one of his commercial planes drinking whiskey and the girl next to him is like, “You’re Tony Stark why don’t you fly one of your private planes.” And he’s like “Oooo, what’s your name, I’m a creep.”

Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer his grossness because a terrorist declares that there is a bomb on this plane. And Tony is like that’s my cue to exit. He goes into the bathroom a la Superman in a telephone booth and comes out as Iron Man and shuts this terrorist up by grabbing him and taking him for a ride outside. The thing is that he blasted out of the roof of the plane. Which is probably a bad idea, cause you know then everyone’s lives became endangered because they couldn’t breathe. So Iron Man throws the terrorist out into the sky and he plummets to his death.

 

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He kinda looks like that hot felon, Jeremy Meeks. RIGHT?!

 

While Iron Man returns to the plane to tell everyone that they’ll be fine and just keep breathing through the masks. Everyone is like “You suck. You made us breathe through these masks.”  So he darts out of the hole in the plane again and decides that he needs a vacation because no one cared that he just saved all these lives. I mean, that’s what you get when you fly commercial.

 

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Look at how well done Adi has created this expression on Iron Man’s face. He’s like “ya’lls is some dumb mothafuckin bitches.”

 

Tony decides to head to Las Vegas for the hotrod show which is probably a thing.

Tony goes to the pool and scams on some girls who are wayyy too young for him, bro and creeps on them. Saying THE creepiest line I’ve ever heard in my life.

 

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Why is he hitting on prostitutes? 

 

They, of course, head back to his hotel room with him because, as well know, hoes ain’t loyal. But they’re like we actually don’t want to fuck you, we want to fuck your bodyguard.

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Meanwhile, these construction workers, or something, are putting together the giant lizard in front of a new casino. MEAN MEANWHILE thousands of lizards are running around Vegas and its weird.

 

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I like the guy who is just nonchalantly leaning on his Hot Rod like this isn’t weird or bothersome at all for him.

 

Just before Tony is about to get it in with the two hoes he met at the pool, Pepper calls him and tells him she needs him, now. Not in that way. She just meant that there’s some fucking lizards flooding the streets and that Iron Man should probs do something about it.

The leaping lizards are all over the news and the news anchors are like, “this is insane all flights have been canceled and this is the worst time in Las Vegas for a Lizard infestation to happen because The Golden Dragon Casino is about to open and everyone and their moms have come to see its opening!”

 

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What in the squirrel is going on over there?!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

This is a four-part series so even though not much happened in this first issue, I’m def going to continue reading. I’m like one-quarter full involved in it already anyway. Plus Elsa Bloodstone is in it and she my gurl.