Deadpool Acts of Evil Issue #1 Recap!!

Got my hands on a pretty sweet annual this week. It’s nice to be back to reading my comics. I can’t tell you how far I’ve fallen behind this summer. Now that it’s getting cold out and I’ll never leave my house again, I get to catch up on all my favorite heroes. And when I made my trip to the comic book store this week I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to pick up a new Deadpool.

I don’t want to bore you with the gory details, so let’s get into this recap.

Deadpool Acts of Evil starts with this kid having a nightmare. He is walking down this long, spooky hallway holding a candle stick and at the end of the hallway is this scary ass lawn gnome. Lawn gnomes suck. They’re just ugly little ghouls who sit in your yard.

 

Then we find Deadpool who is playing a game at an arcade where he shoots babies.

With vaccinations.

He’s not some crazy ass goose.

This mailman finds him and gives him a letter from the Nightmare kid which spurs Deadpool into calling the mailman every name of every famous mailman from TV ever. I didn’t recognize 99% of the refrences. Sooooo, nice try tho. It was almost a funny bit.

Deadpool absconds with the mailman’s truck and makes his way to the little boy’s house. His hot babysitter, Kim, answers the door and Deadpool hilariously mistakes her for the boys mother.

The boy hears Deadpool arrive and believes it to be Squirrel Girl. He is surprised and somewhat upset that it’s not Squirrel Girl as he wrote to her 200 times about his nightmares and wrote to Deadpool only once. The boy’s room is also covered in Squirrel Girl memorbilia. The child is a freak, but Deadpool is the reason that bitch is famous now so I guess it was a clever callback.

I seem like I hate this story, because I’m a salty little bitch, but trust me it gets good.

Deadpool learns that Kim is the babysitter and not the boys mom. The boy explains that she watches him on weekends and his neighbor, Mr. Hewitt, watches him during the week. Meanwhil his parents vacation on their fourth honeymoon.

Deadpool hears the boys story about his bad dreams and realizes that he needs to get into the boy’s nightmares to kill the perp. SO the only place he can go is Dr. Strange’s Sanctamonium. Obviously.

He breaks his ass in and steals a totem from Dr. Strange’s collection of mysterious objects meanwhile some bald ass monk ninja’s him with some crazy moves. This is all well and good though because in order for Deadpool to enter the dreamworld he has to die. So he hurls himself out of a window, naturally.

It works and he ends up in a Nightmare land that Neil Gaiman would be envious of.

He meets the aptly named villian, Nighmare. Nightmare is this green guy who looks kind of like Loki? Mixed with the guy who played the Crow? Idk. He’s a nightmare. So turns out the Nightmare feeds on fears or something and speaks in rhymes. He tortures some of the most famous people in the world, such as Queen Marie Antoinette and President Abraham Lincoln. Ripe for spin-off. We could learn some shit!!

Anyways Nightmare is like: now I’m going to feed of your fears, Deadpool!

And Deadpool is like: well, I fear clowns, cows, and clown cows but I’m not here to fight them. I’m hear to save this boy from a terrible fate.

So Nightmare is all: I only feed off their fears and let them bring their fears to my realm. Whatever goes on in their shitty lives outside of this that creates the nightmare is not really my problem. Ya dig?

So Deadpool is all: Oh, so the nightmares are coming from something bad happening in his waking life, got it. Thanks for your Ted Talk. Can you show me the nightmare so I can figure it out.

Nightmare: Yeah, totes. Here ya go.

Then he shows Deadpool the nightmare of the lawn gnome running at the boy and Deadpool is like oh shit. I gotta wake up and be alive again because now I gots to kill someone in real life.

He rips off the amulet and comes back to life after hurling himself out of the window you know? So theres like this crowd of people like “omg is he dead?” But then he just gets up and this one guy is like “go to a hospital!” And Deadpool is like “erm, how about no, Scott.”

*Triggering*

Then he makes them pay for his uber back to the kids house so he can catch the NEIGHBOR MR. HEWITT right before he attacks the little boy. As it turns out the nieghbor had been creating the nightmares the little boy was experiencing because he was a pedophile. The worst kinda fuck up.

So Deadpool beats the shit out of him. SO hard in fact, I’m pretty sure the pedophile is dead. Which  is great because you know once he got better he would go back to fucking little boys again.

The little boy wakes up and is like :Deadpool? What’s going on.

And Deadpool is like : You owe me 7 dollars.

So DP jumps out of another window after taking his payment, this time he lands successfully on his two feet.

Dr. Strange comes out of the glowing hole he likes to come out of and yells at him like wtf, hoe? You broke into my GoTDAMN home. SO Deadpool is like yeah to help a little boy, yeesh. Here’s your dumbass amulet back I don’t even want it anymore.

So Dr Strange is like, did the amulet work? What happened? Ooo.

And Deadpool is like, I saw some dreams and met a guy named Nightmare.

Then an old woman approaches them on the street to ask if they are magicians because she needs someone to be an act at her son or grandson’s birthday party. She is old af so IDK how she has a 12 year old. She looks about 80. BUt white people age like milk so I guess she could be 50?

ANYWAYS Dr. Strange leaves in his fire hole and Deadpoool is like I’ll do it, but she don’t want him. So he just leaves.

THE END.

Wow. I feel like I learned something and I felt something. When I first read it, I was like holy shit. Deadpool for some reason has become the hero that can talk about the hard things in life. I remember the comic book Marvel did with him about the girl who was going to commit suicide and he took her on a long trip to show her that life has meaning, especially hers. It was a beautiful take. And I personally liked how they did this comic.

Have you read Deadpool Acts of Evil yet??

What did you think!? Let me know in the comments!!

Deadpool Acts of Evil was Written by: Dana Schwartz

Penciled by: Reilly Brown

Inked by : Nelson De Castro and Craig Yeung

Color: Matt Herms and Guru-2fx

Cover by Aaron Kruder and Michael Garland

Variant cover by: John Tyler Christopher

 

 

 

Hunt for Wolverine The Claws Of A Killer #1 comic book recap

Ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to present to you, something even cooler than I initially thought would be amazing. Truly, truly, truly, this #1 issue comic book is basically my dream scenario come to life.

Now, let’s get to boring you with the details in this here recap…

Some background before we get into this 4 issue run written by Mariko Tamaki.

Logan has been killed and the X-Men have come to terms with his death. But soon, there is an attempt made to steal his corpse. Unfortunately for the thieves, that corpse is on the move…

SPOOKY SCARY! WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH!

So yeah, everyone is like “oh shit, the body is gone, what do we do? Let’s solve this mystery and if he’s not dead let’s put him back underground.” YAY!

The comic book begins in Maybelle, Arizona population: 343. A fabulous high-class bar and its classy patrons are getting angry at the “game” and how there are no “players” anymore just “bodies.” I have no idea what sport they’re watching, but I assume it is Rugby because I don’t know anything about that game and therefore assume the worst about it.

 

IMG_0247
YA! Useless dummy runners!

 

The bartendress happily changes the channel when the power goes out and the elegant patrons get grumpy. Some first-rate civilians offer to head to the “power station” to figure out the deal with the electricity.  They are bumbling around trying to fix shit, when they hear a THUNK and decide to find out where their buddy, Larry went.

They follow the noises to a control room where they find their old pal, Larry slumped in a chair bleeding from his mouth and a really hot guy standing oddly tall for someone who is 5’3, in a plaid shirt, jeans, and accessorizing with some adamantium claws for a little sparkle to the wardrobe. A really nice effect, IMHO.

 

IMG_0245
Girl, is this the Met Gala? Cause you got a Heavenly Body!!

 

I think we can guess what happens here…

Back to the bar…

Bartendress and hillbilly man are discussing who is funnier between the two of them. Obviously, bartendress wins. Then like, this green blast of light overtakes the entire town and Bartendress is like, “Ew, why?” And then the hillbilly patron guy’s eyes start bleeding, and then the bartendress is super like, “Ew, now seriously, why?”

SO that happened. NEXT, We find the heroes of our story. Who are actually villains? HOORAY!

You can probably guess who they are based on the cover. OH, BTW big shout outs to Greg Land for the cover art and Butch Guice for the awesome and crude-looking (in a good way) artwork.

So Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike (BFF GOALS) have set a meeting with the lovely little Daken aka the son of Wolverine. Also -side note- Daken hates his dad… But, don’t we all?

 

img_0239.jpg
Um, he said “rotting” not “rottin'” Get someone get this guy a dictionary?

 

The trio decides to team up and find the missing Wolverine corpse that the Reavers were trying to steal but couldn’t, Daken is like “oh we’re friends now?” Lady D is like, “Actually, no, but we’re gonna be friends until we find and kill this guy.” Then Daken is like good because Sabretooth sucks, and Sabretooth is like, “Yeah, I’m actually the worst.”

 

IMG_0241 (1)
So, does Daken do that to his hair, or is it like, natural? Like Logan’s cowlicks?

 

So Lady D has a way to find and track Wolverine. They get on the road and get to tracking. This leads them to the same bar in Maybelle Arizona. Daken takes one sniff of the air and decides that his dad isn’t there. Sabre and D-Stroke decide they have to go #1 (or so they claim) and they might as well stop and look around anyway.

Daken is like well this is boring being trapped in the backseat of the car, reminds me of my childhood. OMG WAIT I DIDN’T HAVE ONE!! So he cries and is like I should HEAL THIS CHILDHOOD WOUND BY POUNDING ALCOHOL INTO MY FACE.

ence cat
Thank you, Science Cat.

Daken unwittingly heads into the classy bar and finds himself face to foot with the bartendress. But before he notices her, he notices these two goons.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-17 at 4.22.43 PM
Daken’s face is priceless. He’s like “hmm, this is somewhat unexpected.”

 

It becomes increasingly obvious that something is going on. ESPESH CAUSE THEN THIS HAPPENS:

 

IMG_0243
Face to foot. LOL I’m Hilarious.

THAT’S RIGHT FRIENDS!

FUCKING ZOMBIES. OH MARIKO TAMAKI! YOU WIZARD OF THE YARN!

Wolverine + Zombies = Goals.

So Daken gets his foot bitten and then all the undead patrons come out of the blue and start attacking him. As he fights back he notices that he isn’t healing. Eventually, they all climb on top of him like in one of those Rugby tackle-things. (I ASSUME) and bury him underneath their dead, rotting bodies. YUM!

 

IMG_0246
Now is this a ruck or a maul? I always get so confused.

 

TO BE CONTINUED CITIZENS!!

Now side-note and personal storytime, I shared this comic book with a friend of mine and he said wtf, why are there zombies? And to that, I say, WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE!? MORE ZOMBIES PLEASE. EVERYWHERE THERE SHOULD BE ZOMBIES ALWAYS!!

What side of the fence are you on? Are you roaming free with the undead or are you building a utopia free from their oppression? Let me know in the comments! OH! And if you have a zombie escape plan I would love to hear about that too! If you think zombies are dumb or a played-out trope, you are wrong, but I would still like to hear your side!!

BYE FRIENDS!

 

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Deadpool Kills Deadpool #1

No Hit- Girl this week.

But Since Deadpool’s premiere is just around the corner I’ve decided to recap issue #1 of Deadpool Kills Deadpool. HOORAY!

Todd episode!

JK.

We begin in Deadpool’s dirty kitchen. There are empty pizza boxes laying around and dishes piled in the sink. He probably stinks. A masked man is making fun of Headpool for not having an intestinal track. Rude.

The man in the mask sticks Headpool into the microwave and blasts his brains away.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 10.54.58 AM
NO!! Zombie-Pool!!!

 

After the zombie Headpool explodes in the microwave, the man in the mask is revealed from the shadows and he looks a lot like Deadpool, but in an all-black costume. He really is always trying to one-up Spider-Man isn’t he?

Anyways it becomes incredibly obvious that this man in the mask is our “hero” Deadpool. Cause lyke right after this, he bodyslides by one.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 11.01.12 AM
Serving head and face.

 

After Pool bodyslides we go back to the “Real Marvel Universe” and they lose me. Just stop confusing me, Marvel.

Deadpool is battling the Ultimatum and making quips about other superheroes. My favorite was “stop hacking my Bieber and Beers Tumblr account”  –  Wolverine.

Deadpool is having a hard time taking down Ultimatum and his droids, but luckily a spaceship comes in hot toward the battle.

AND IT IS THE BEA ARTHUR! The spaceship of the Deadpool Corps. AKA Alternate versions of Deadpool in different universes. NORMAL.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 11.08.06 AM
Nerds.

 

There’s two extra dolts on the Deadpool “CRUE.” A golden age gas mask hero and a pulp version of hisself.

The reason the CRUE is there is simple, get Deadpool onto the ship. But they don’t give him a reason just that he’s “in danger”

So Wade is lyke, um no? I need to wait for the Avengers to clean up this mess I made.

Kidpool tells Deadpool to stop trying to hard because the Avengers and the X-Men will never like him. As they hurry onto the ship, Gasmask Deadpool says “pip-pip now cheerio, we must get on to thee ship now and drive it with duct tape. But we never get to understand why he says these things because then the black mask Deadpool murders the Gasmask Deadpool. Which is wonderful because I don’t like him.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 11.16.33 AM
YAY!

So Deadpool is like wtf? And then a battle ensues.

Deadpool knock him on his ass and is ready to give him his death-blow when black mask man bodyslides outta thurr.

Only to have bodyslid right behind Deadpool and puts a chainsaw through him.

Yikes.

It looks like our hero is about to be murdered by our other hero. Luckily Dogpool nips in to save the day.

To only then be immediately obliterated.

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 11.27.29 AM
YIKES!

 

oh, maybe I should throw this in here.

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 10.52.54 AM

As Kidpool mourns the loss of his beloved pup, Deadpool wastes no time in outsmarting this black mask Deadpool.

BMD: We have nothing in common!

DP: Except the same voice. Bodyslide by half.

BMD *bodyslides in half*

 

Screenshot 2018-05-05 at 11.30.28 AM
Bang. Got ’em.

 

Deadpool picks up the blaster gun that the black mask Deadpool was using to obliterate the other Deadpools and blasts him away.

DONE! NO more stories!

Just kidding. As it turns out there are more Anti-Deadpools according to Lady Deadpool. He was only the beginning.

Lady Deadpool says they’re at war. A suicide war.

The Watcher saw this war in advance and warned the other Pools about it.

Deadpool is like, but why us?

Then the Watcher calls him the Progenitor.

Which I guess is like the parent of all things.

What in the world???

What do you guys think of this series? Should I keep going???

Let me know in the comments below!

 

 

 

X-Men Red #1 Comic Book Review

I thought I had bought this comic book 20 times on accident because the complete cover is advertised on the back of every single Marvel Comic Book so far from 2018. It seems that Marvel really, really wants us to buy this one. So I figured it was important and picked it up.

X-Men Red is written by Tom Taylor and drawn by Mahmud Asrar. In this book, Jean Grey has risen from the Phoenix ashes and now leads an all-star cast of mutants, including Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Gentle, Namor, Trinary, and Honey Badger.

 

party squad
Squaddddd!!!!

 

The book begins with Jean waking up a little girl in the middle of the night. (creep) But not physically, but by speaking to her through her mind. (creep)

The little girl is warned that “They’re coming.” And sure enough, an angry mob carrying tiki torches busts down her house’s door. She jumps out of bed and out of her bedroom window onto the roof. All of these mob people, and it should be noted that they’re all white, are chasing after this little Asian girl calling her a “mutant.”

 

little girl jumps off roof
YES! IT WILL TAKE 40 PEOPLE AT LEAST TO TAKE DOWN THIS 60lb CHILD!!

 

She jumps off the roof and lands on the wet grass in the rain and starts running from the mob. She loses her footing somehow and the mob surrounds her. She pleads with them claiming that she is not a mutant, (liar) but her mom walks out with a gun in her hand and points it right at her daughter (cause she knows this lil bitch lyin right now). The little girl is like “wtf?! MOM!” And the mom DGAF and her and her mob friends start shooting their guns at her, because one gun couldn’t have taken out an 8-year-old girl, no at least five guns shot multiple times is necessary. Ask any unarmed black kid ever.

Luckily Jean Grey shows up with Nightcrawler and Wolverine and she uses her telekinesis or whatever and was able to stop the bullets with her mind.

 

saving babies
If the kid was running through muddy grass, how are her feet clean? Is this part of her mutant power? I guess we’ll find out…

 

Nightcrawler BAMFs them out of there and into Searebro, which is a place that a giant great white shark lives. The shark immediately tries to eat the little girl and she’s like “AHHH!” Then Honey Badger is all “that’s Harold, he won’t hurt you.” Ya fucking right Honey Badger.

Jean Grey addresses the little girl as “Heather.” She lets her know that she is safe with them now.

This book is Part 1 and it is titled: Heal The World. BY THE WAY.

Two months earlier a woman is minding her own business driving a car around Roosevelt Island in NYC when she gets carjacked by two thugs in masks with guns. Unfortunately for the thugs, the woman’s mutant baby is in the backseat and he freaks the fuck out. The baby’s cries are problematic. His cries manage to burst the windows of the car and all surrounding buildings.

Wolverine and Honey Badger are on the case. Honey Badger covers her ears with her hands while Wolverine simply bleeds from her ears. They reach the car and Wolverine puts her hand over the baby’s mouth which just makes it worse and the baby really freaks out. The scream is so piercing that the skin on Wolverine’s hand, where she placed it over his mouth, completely melts off.

Jean shows up and saves the day again. Like who needs heroes when we have Jean Grey? She’s really all we need. She calms the baby down and returns the baby to his mom and adds a psychic suggestion to the baby’s brain that he not cry so much. How about never, Jean?

 

jean grey clutches black baby
Enviable thigh-gap, terrible outfit.

 

Jean warns the mom that there will be public fallout from his screaming. Because if the baby ain’t a fetus it loses its rights.

The next scene is the news, both sides are arguing over the baby’s right to live. Like I said, once the fetus leaves the womb, it has no rights. Especially cause this baby is black. I should highlight this.

Jean Grey decides that she wants to change the world, so she travels all around the world getting people to help her cause. She also decides that she is not smart enough to heal the world, which is the smartest thing she could possibly decide so she gathers every genius that she can into one room and blows them all up.

I’m kidding.

She digs through their brains searching for ideas to “heal the world.”

Then she walks over to a cliff and calls Nightcrawler over to her with her thoughts. He BAMFs to her and she tells him to look over the cliff because she wants to share an idea with him. He goes to look and then she pushes him off the cliff.

I’m kidding.

No, he starts crying because the idea she shows him is so beautiful it brings him to tears. He offers to help her to make this idea a reality and she’s like “great, next step is I need to head to Atlantis.”

 

crybaby
blue crying baby ass bitch

 

So she goes to Atlantis wearing a zip-up hoodie, biker shorts, and dirty ass sneakers. She clearly is not trying to impress Namor and his 8-pack. She lets him know that she needs his help and he’s like “Bitch, Imma king, Ain’t nobody got time for dat.”

Then she’s like “I’m headed to the United Nations and I need a country to be behind me.”

And he’s like “is that all?! Well, okay.”

 

Should I have called first You could have put on pants at least
Probably cause you won’t even put on pants for them. 

 

So she heads on down to the United Nations wherever that is. Apparently, it is in New York City. Idk.

Jean walks up like a boss in a hot suit with her cleavage showing subtly in one frame then her tits are all out there in the next frame. Apparently, as she gets heated during arguments sometimes buttons fall open or something. She asks all the United Nations if mutants can be their own nation and if she can represent them. Her boobs seem to only impress the fake countries of Atlantis and Wakanda since they’re the only ones that stand up to acknowledge “the mutant nation.”

The Ambassador from the UK follows Jean Grey out of the hall once she’s done making her statement and they speak. It gets a little creepy because the UK ambassador starts saying weird shit like “you are not the Phoenix Jean Grey anymore you cannot rise” and shit especially got weird when her head exploded.

 

crunch
This picture isn’t doing the tits justice, but trust me they are there.

 

Obviously, it looked like Jean made her head explode, so the SWAT team that is there shoots her. But Namor jumps in front of her and stops the bullets with his chic bracelets a la Wonder Woman. I “Wonder” if he borrowed them? Heh. So Wolverine slices the gun the SWAT guy is holding in half then Nightcrawler swoops in and says we gotta go.

BAMF.

It turns out Cassandra Nova was behind the UK woman’s head exploding and was also inside her head controlling the shit she does.

You know how earlier I said that Jean was the only hero we need because she can beat anyone. Well, I guess Tom Taylor decided to give her a match worth fighting.

 

Doless Cassie
I almost uploaded a photo of Bullseye. Would anyone have noticed?

 

SCURRY.

How do you guys like the Red series so far?

What else are you reading?

Do you want me to read something first and then tell you your own opinions on it by letting you know my opinion?

Leave it in the comments and I’ll be sure to pick it up next Wednesday.

In the meantime, you can look forward to something other than Marvel the next two weeks because…wait for it…

I’M RECAPPING KICK-ASS AND HIT-GIRL!!!

YUP. Image type shit in this betch!!

You won’t want to miss it! Same time, same place: Next Saturday at 2 pm CT!!!!!!!

 

Rogue & Gambit

I know guys. Hold your applause.

I went to my local comic book store for the first time in at least a few months and it was just so exciting to be inside one again. I usually get my comic books off of the Marvel app and before that was Comixology. Anyways, I went in and they were open an extra hour longer than usual because it was Wednesday. (New Comic Book day for any n00bs out there.) And lucky for me because they usually close at 7 pm and I came waltzing in at 7:15. They had some good shit, but not as good as my old comic book store in NYC. I recently moved to Chicago and these stores are nothing like Forbidden Planet, but really who could compare to that store? I am just grateful this one is in walking distance from my stately manse where I reside in the town of boys.

Also! I took a weird way home today after my visit and found another comic book shop within walking distance so I will have to check out that place next Wednesday. I think I might start buying paperbacks only again, I go through phases of digital and paper. But how will I ever sell my comic book collection to make my first movie a la Kevin Smith if I only have digital copies of shit?

Okay, sorry about that “dear diary” bull sh*t. Let’s get into it.

FIRST OF ALL, Kelly Thompson wrote this shit, so I have high expectations okurr? I’m also digging the art so shouts to the artist, Pere Perez, too.

This story starts with a brief, but beautiful collection of art that depicts the past tumultuous romance between Rogue and Gambit.

IMG_0957
Aww! She’s gonna punch him!

#TrueLove

We get a brief prologue of a few rando mutants who are for some reason running low on their powers and running away from something scary chasing them. We don’t get to see what is chasing them because allofasudden we’re on the next page and good ol’ Storm is sitting at the control of the danger room in full costume.

storm in full costume
“Ayy, nice cape.” “Ditto.”

I’ll never understand capes.

They don’t seem conducive for hand-to-hand combat, but I can see why they might be necessary for someone like Storm, because she basically wears a bathing suit as her costume, so if she gets cold she can use it as a blanket. Gambit is another story entirely.

So, Gambit comes strolling into the control room and he calls Storm “Stormy.” You know like the porn star that Trump had an affair with, or if you prefer like the baby Kylie Jenner birthed, whom she named after a porn star. ALL NORMAL THINGS.

Storm is like “don’t call me that you fu*king goon.” Then Gambit is all “No.” Then Storm is like “Rogue is in the danger room playing with Sentinals” So Gambit responds in the most Gambit-y way ever,

“Deal me in.”

Swoon.

He joins Pixie, Psylocke, Armor, and Rogue in the danger room. They fight this thing for what I imagine is about 10 seconds before a Sentinal smashes Rogue into the ground and Gambit flips out. Everyone is like “She has the powers of a Kree, dummy, she can handle this shit.” But he still swoops in on her dramatically to show that he loves her.

 

Rogue-Gambit-1-2
Tell ‘im boy, bye

 

 

Why do dudes show up in your life like this all the time? What is going on in-between their relationship with the girl they always go back to? THAT’S what I want to know.

Armor is like, “this is awkward let’s get the heck out of here.” Then Pixie is a creep and a half and she’s like “omg this is so hot.” And Psylocke is like “Let me tell you all about their relationship, ladies.” So they leave them on the floor with their googly eyes staring at each other.

But, Rogue for some reason does not want to get laid this day, so she pushes him off of her and he follows her out. Then he invites her to dinner and Rogue is like “no, weeee are never ever ever getting back togetherrr!”

But he won’t stop hounding her because he has no respect for women, so she hits him with the “I can’t control my powers anymore so we can’t touch” And now I know why she doesn’t want to get laid today because she physically cannot. That’s a really great excuse if you’re Rogue though. “Sorry, I can’t date you because if I kiss you, I could kill you. Bye.” It’s like when a girl you’re trying to get with tells you she’s been on her period for two years.

Did you forget about the brief prologue with the rando mutants? Ya me too.

So here’s why that whole thing happened.

Kitty calls Rogue into her office and tells her about a mission she wants Rogue to go on.

A private retreat that promises to free mutants of their “Trauma” V suspicious.

Also, I should note that Kitty’s ponytail is gone. Great news because this woman has to be like 35 by now.

 

kitty-pryde
Where’s ur dragunnn?

 

The retreat is for mutant couples I guess, so that means Rogue and Gambit have to go. And it works extra well because it’s for couples with problems. Nice.

They fly out on a private jet with champagne, and we finally understand why Gambit has come back.

Rogue kissed Deadpool. Amazing. Gambit heard about it from the other mutants and his pride is very hurt because Deadpool “doesn’t even have a face.”

careful what you say friend
Careful what you say, friend.

Rogue is like “I did not kiss him, I made out with him. And it was awesome.”

I’ll bet. Ryan Reynolds with or without scars, I’ll take it.

So they land, and before I go on I have to talk about this bitch’s outfit. Thigh-high leather boots, leather gloves up to her armpits and a bright green mini dress. NO way is that the least bit attractive. Gambit is wearing a normal short sleeve button up, a fitted pair of shorts and reasonable sneakers. And they’re landing here undercover, that shit is not undercover Rogue! She looks like a sex worker. No offense to sex workers.

 

ho rogue
SRSLY?

 

Immediately upon landing, they meet this woman with a boring beige outfit who spices up her look with an ascot. Nice touch. And she senses their tension immediately, so the plan is working I guess.

They find their bungalow and it’s gorgeous. There’s champagne on the bed and you can see the ocean from the floor. They go outside and their neighbors swim over their gorgeous bungalow to say hello. They make plans to go for drinks later and Rogue is like “there’s something off about them, they’re nice.”

 

mind control
Bitch, they can hear you.

 

Fair assumption.

Gambit calls her cynical, but that’s because he’s dumb.

They head to their therapy session and Remy is like, “Rogue, this could really help us. I want to be with you, but you need to want to be with me, too.” And “Rogue is like, we’ll see.”

Then This Happens.

 

then this happens
Nice chest, also great rack. #equality

 

I can’t wait to read #2! Then #3 and I think that’s as far as it is out right now, but I’m not sure. I’m way late on this. If you’re not reading this series, I heard it only gets better and better. Also, let’s support Kelly Thompson as she is becoming a literal hero of mine and my favorite storyteller at Marvel.

Next Week – It’s Old Man Hawkeye #1. Cause you know how much I love Hawkeye. 🙂

 

 

Sentry

So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.

Probably.

This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.

Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.

Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.

His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.

I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.

He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.

So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.

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He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”

So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.

In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.

He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-

 

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PRESH!

 

After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.

He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.

 

old suit
Fatty.

 

He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”

Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.

But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.

He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.

So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.

 

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Rare pic of the “confluctor”

 

He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.

 

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Bad doggie, no!

 

So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”

And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.

His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.

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Trigger warning.

Did I say that too late?

Probably.

Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”

And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”

And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.

So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.

 

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Kinda still limp over there…

 

Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.

Oh yeah her name is Lindy.

Dumb fucking name.

Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.

So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.

 

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YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD A STAPLE YA FOOL?

 

Then he takes off, flying into the air.

So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.

I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.

ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.

Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?

Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.

That is all.

 

America #1

I am taking my first foray into an America comic book. I have high hopes for this issue because it’s written by an all star latinx cast.

I don’t really have much previous experience with this hero America, so we’re just going to dive right into it.

It begins by asking a cast of character to tell them what “America” means to them. Her best friend, Hawkeye AKA Kate Bishop is first to answer, followed by some well-known heroes like Storm, the Oprah of the Marvel Universe, Miles Morales and then Felicia Hardy is in it saying she’s never met her. Um, rude. But everyone else was like she’s a badass.

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There’s something weird about these dream bars in this comic book. They’re very prevalent. I will get to the bottom of this.

Even Loki (young kid version) called her a “bad mama jama” so I’m intrigued.

The prologue let’s the reader know that America is bored of saving the world by punching star shaped holes through multiple dimensions and has decided to enroll in college.

As we turn the page we are taken to Maltixa, a planet on the outskirts of the Utopian Parallel that is under attack and is being saved by the Ultimates.

Spectrum and Captain Marvel are there, America is also there saving a kid. She brings the kid back to her mom and America remembers how much she misses her two dead moms.

The Alien that is attacking the planet hits Spectrum with a pure white energy and sends Spectrum flying onto Captain Marvel’s flying ship. America decides that if it’s pure white energy, if she hits it with her brown fist she will win. And she does and the alien bursts into beautiful stars and America is confused as to why that happens.

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Sounds sexual.

Then the whole planet starts healing itself, which is also weird. Then the kid is like, “who are you? you saved me! I love you!” and America is like, “follow me on Beamchat” which I guess is Marvel Universe speak for Twitter?

The team retreats to their ship and reconvenes with Black Panther and Blue Marvel, the other members of the team who stay on “Home Base.” Where this base is, I do not know.

America goes back to NYC and stops by her girlfriends house because she skipped out on meeting her for a date because she was fighting aliens on another planet.

She bangs her girlfriend and then her girlfriend breaks up with her, so it must not have been great.

When a girl gets broken up with she goes to see her friends. So she ends up midway between LA and NYC with Kate Bishop. America’s van needs a jump or something so they’re stopped on the side of the road talking. I am confused. Did they meet up halfway in the middle of the desert? Because Kate lives on the west coast. Or did they drive together? I know Kate likes to be in NYC a lot. But then they drive off into different directions and I am confused. So they each drove like ten hours to hang out with each other for five minutes in the middle of a desert? I NEED information.

IMG_0754
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

She ends up at Sotomayor University which I believe only exists in the America Chavez comic books. Mainly because it seems to be a university for mutants. They get all the schools.

A bunch of sorority girls try to recruit her to their latin sorority group. Phi Theta Betas. And they jump out of nowhere looking like they dressed themselves in clothes only sold in 1997. She turns them down because sororities are for skanks and she heads in late to her first class.

Then for some reason her classroom is covered in ice and there’s a hologram of a crazy old lady shooting arrows.

America sees Prodigy in her class cause he’s a nerd and he answers the professor’s question and melts the ice. Then the professor gives them all a crazy, hard assignment and tells America her own life story. And apparently from this scene were supposed to understand that it’s gonna be hard to win over this professor. America is like Elle Woods and this is her Professor Stromwell.

America and Prodigy go back to Prodigy’s dorm room where he has been working on a time machine. Normal.

The machine is just a prototype but he believes that if they use it in conjunction with America’s multi dimensional punches, America will be able to time travel across the multiverse.

So she just hits the button to time travel and then Prodigy is like “um, it’s not ready but whatever. Girl, bye.”

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“Next time I’m making the X button be the disintegrate button.”

So she ends up in WWII Germany fighting besides Captain America.

Then she punches Hitler.

The end.

I’m totally serious. That was the end.

I’m really happy that it ended that way because I gotta say there was a lot of exposition and not a lot of action. Any comic that ends with a person punching Hitler in the face is quite something. I didn’t want to read #2 basically the whole time I was reading this comic book but now I feel I must.

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Did she knock him into another dimension, doe?

Iron Fist – The Living Weapon #1

Hey nerds.

What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.

I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.

At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.

This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …

“THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST!”

Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.

Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.

He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.

It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.

Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.

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WOWZA!

The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.

Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.

HE PUNCHES THE HELICOPTER AND IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.

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I’m sorry perhaps you missed the part where he punches a helicopter so hard it explodes.

The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.

Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”

She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.

Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.

IMG_0433
ADORABLE!! But why are the monks sending a 7 year old child to NYC? Like, oh you’re gonna love the big city, Lilly, tons of piss on the street, hookers, and heroin!

She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.

Then this happened.

IMG_0434
NOOOOOO!!!!

Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”

Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.

I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.

 

 

 

 

 

Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

fighting ninjas

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Laura has a sword in her

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

x-23 describes why she is there
Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

bad joke about the dresses
If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

ninjas don't carry cell phones

SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!

This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

laura tackles sabretooth out of the window

OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.

So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Wolverine flies out of plane

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

laura gives a stern talking to Logan
Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.

Respect.

 

STAR*LORD #1

This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.

Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.

Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.

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She literally walked in and kicked him in the shin. WTF. This bitch cray

So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.

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breathe, dude

Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.

I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.

So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.

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He’s so wittle

MEANWHILE

At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!

Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.

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See they both don’t feel welcome on this Earth. BEST FRIENDS

Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.

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I have the same pair; they’re from Zara.

Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.

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Adorbs

Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.

Aaaaannddd he gets arrested.  The end.

INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!

This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.

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lil bub