The Empty Man Comic Book Recap issue #1

Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.

I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.

YIKES!

Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)

So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.

In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.

We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.

Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?

As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.

Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.

Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.

As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.

Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.  

Who me? 🤓

Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.

Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.

She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.

She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.

That’s just too many white people

Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.

After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.

Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.

Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.

That’s just female empowerment

As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.

Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.

Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.

Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.

Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.

The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”

Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.

Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?

What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?

Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.

It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.

I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy

Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.

The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”

He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.

So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.

Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH

I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.

Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??

OKAY!

TA-TA!!

Comic Book Recap: Dead Kings #1

So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.

Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.

The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.

Are these monsters or robots? Orr???

As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.

We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.

YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!

We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”

So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.

Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.

Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.

Bye Lev!

Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.

What’s up with that dudes pinky finger?

So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?

The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.

We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!

Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.

Ah she used to be a transformer.

Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”

Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.

He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.

The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”

Tell Mama, I’m sorry

Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.

They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!

BUM BUM BUHHH

And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.

Loved it Aftershock, give me more.

Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.

Iron Fist – The Living Weapon #1

Hey nerds.

What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.

I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.

At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.

This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …

“THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST!”

Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.

Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.

He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.

It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.

Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.

IMG_0429

IMG_0430
WOWZA!

The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.

Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.

HE PUNCHES THE HELICOPTER AND IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.

IMG_0432
I’m sorry perhaps you missed the part where he punches a helicopter so hard it explodes.

The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.

Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”

She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.

Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.

IMG_0433
ADORABLE!! But why are the monks sending a 7 year old child to NYC? Like, oh you’re gonna love the big city, Lilly, tons of piss on the street, hookers, and heroin!

She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.

Then this happened.

IMG_0434
NOOOOOO!!!!

Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”

Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.

I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.

 

 

 

 

 

Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

fighting ninjas

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Laura has a sword in her

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

x-23 describes why she is there
Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

bad joke about the dresses
If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

ninjas don't carry cell phones

SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!

This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

laura tackles sabretooth out of the window

OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.

So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Wolverine flies out of plane

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

laura gives a stern talking to Logan
Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.

Respect.

 

Generations: The Archers #1

Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.

I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.

This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.

So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.

hawkeye generations
BFFLs

Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.

hawkeye in pink
The retired suit of Hawkeye sponsored by Hello Kitty.

So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.

So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.

Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.

So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.

The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.

Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company.  Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.

kate in hawkeye mask

They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.

Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.

Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.

HE’S A HERO!!

The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”

Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.

Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.

Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.

hawkeye beats up taskmaster
I would say the whole ensemble is a mistake.

Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”

The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!

Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.

Bullseye. Did you guess that?

ya think
Y’think?!!! What an Asshat this blue-haired chick is

Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.

Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.

Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.

They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.

Nothing makes sense.

But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.

I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.

 

Venom #1

After reading “Back in Black” I was becoming a bit more interested in this little alien symbiote. What I learned from reading this comic is that he really wants to be a hero and he goes by name of “Venom” despite being a parasite to other hosts such as Spider-Man, A soldier, guardian of the galaxy, etc, etc.

The comic book begins with the symbiote’s thoughts. Remember that he’s been living on Earth, away from his true planet for years now and he is still a lonely little guy. He is lamenting away on what he has learned since he “moved” here.

Things the symbiote has learned:

  • Being a good guy is hard
  • It easy to be a bad guy
  • Bad guys use power and the more powerful a bad guy the easier life is
  • Good guys use strength. That is different than power. (wow deep.)

Things I have learned:

  • This book isn’t going to be funny
  • This book isn’t going to be scary
  • What is this book trying to prove?

I’m going to give it a chance anyway. When villains or anti-heroes get a book its usually gory and also heart-warming. Like, they’ll kill a rapist or something and save a girl and then be like “don’t thank me” all gruffly and walk away.

So this whole time that Venom has been “talking” we’ve been following around this tough guy who, I’m assuming, he’s about to hitch on to.

Lee Price, a giant former army ranger, and a broody, sad one at that.

Lee meets his friend Tony at a diner so that they can meet someone to do a “job.” It’s hard to tell right now if he’s bad or if he’s just “mixed up with the wrong crowd.” It’s hard to tell because he lost two of fingers while he was in the army. So he has that sympathy card. Long story short Tony and Lee decide to do the job.

Meanwhile Venom is still slithering around crying. I feel bad for him. He really likes Peter and he has no friends now. Plus he’s wandering around NYC eating homeless people. RUDY GIULIANI THANKS YOU, V!

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Talk about a snack attack.

Tony and Lee take the job and when they’re about to make the trade of some weird toxic gas to a gang, the gang refuses to pay them because they “work for a woman.” Don’t tell me we don’t need feminists, okay? This right here proves that we do. If you’re not a feminist you’re a misogynist and that’s it. Thank you. Bye.

So, Tony pulls out a gun on the gang and the leader pulls one out in retaliation. Unfortunately Lee doesn’t have one…

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Yeah dummy!

He got an alien symbiote who been stalkin him doe…And boom thanks to the symbiote Lee’s life is saved. The symbiote and Lee bond their memories together and fight for control. The symbiote hopes to save the city like he used to when he was Spider-Man, but Lee has alternate plans for this poor little symbiote creature. He wants to beat up a lot of dudes. In the suit, Lee murders all the time who had tried to kill him mere moments before, despite lil symbiote’s protests. Awww. He wants to be a good boy. Too bad Lee is a murderous psychopath. WHO KNEW!!??

We didn’t really know until he murders his best friend Tony. I don’t know why he did that. I guess because he wants to keep the suit a secret?

Lee decides to reminisce on his childhood to the suit, he grew up very poor to parents who would abuse each other, possibly abusing him as well. He had a friend with mutant fire powers, who burned their building down and Lee was happy about it. Even commenting that if he was the one with the powers he would have done it years ago and he wouldn’t have gotten caught like the other kid. He says all this as he stacks the bodies of the misogynistic men he just killed and blows them up as he walks calmly away from the explosion behind him.

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Cool guys don’t run from explosions.

The last scene is him deciding how he will use the symbiote’s power in his favor. Which made me fantasize about how I would use the power of a magical alien suit that allowed me to “THWIP.” What would you guys do if the “Venom” suit chose you, and you could control him? I, personally, have many, many thoughts. All of them include great power, none of them include responsibility.

Deadpool: Back in Black

Yup. As it turns out Peter Parker’s pesky alien symbiote has taken another lover. In this lovely comic we are whisked back to the 80s and find out that Deadpool rocked the black costume WAY BEFORE or at least ya know, right before, Peter Parker did. Deadpool is cool like that.

Our story begins where Peter and alien symbiote’s ended. Peter Parker is crying under that bell like a little…buhhh—spider. And the symbiote is like “this dude’s a p*ssy I got getta the eff out of here.” So the alien takes Peter away from the bell and hides under the floorboards waiting for another host in a church cause he’s like “I’m DONE hanging out with that guy.”

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He finds a way nicer friend.

He soon finds love with a kind janitor who feeds him his dead wife’s stale candy. BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE’S A SPACESHIP. His alien family bombs the church, so he saves his janitor friend from the explosion by wrapping his body around the old man saving him! The aliens descend from the ship looking like an 80s rock band. All of this basically pushes the janitor into having a stroke. AND HE DIDN’T TAKE HIS DAMN PILLS THIS MORNING. ARE YOU CRYING BECAUSE I’M SOBBING!! He said “I j-just didn’t think I would be attacked by aliens today.” SOBBING. THE OLD JANITOR WITH THE DEAD WIFE WHO BEFRIENDED AN ALIEN IS GONNA DIE FROM A STROKE!!! I CAN’T.

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If you are not crying right now you have no soul

Meanwhile, the alien has to find someone to bond to it and we catch up with Deadpool and Machine Man who are at a club and Machine Man is being mind-controlled or something. Idk. I just got here too.

Also, Deadpool gouged out his own eyes so there’s that. Must have something to do with the mind control. Like a Medusa but with minds thing. The symbiote is chilling in the rafters above the club while Deadpool blindly dodges Machine Man’s uncontrollable blasts.

A bunch of dudes in hoods are at the club, and they’re white guys so you know they’re up to something. Deadpool takes out his guns and shoots them using his “sense of smell” since he doesn’t have eye sight. He manages to miss every single one of these naz–uh whoever these guys are, so he just throws his gun at them. GOOD PLAN B.

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This bitch.

Deadpool’s eyes start to heal and grow back as Machine Man pulls him into Dansen Macabre’s mind-controlling gaze.

Luckily our symbiote comes to our hero’s rescue. Is Deadpool our hero? Or is the alien? I really liked that janitor….

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Brains? Does Machine Man have organs?

Deadpool + symbiote almost kills Machine Man, but stops himself and turns his attention on the white guys in hoods.

With the help of his symbiote suit, he is able to conjure out many black tentacles in which to grab several guns and shoot everyone who surrounds him.

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Deadpool in the middle of every POC’s nightmare

But this power that Deadpool is feeling is not a new feeling he remembers an old mission in which he found the symbiote which he hoped would improve his costume.

But it was lyke, ya know, an alien so he decided to pawn it off on Spider-Man instead. Deadpool believes that suit imprinted on him and found his way back to him…Deadpool gains web shooting powers and he is very excited that he is able to “thwip” now.

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Not every little boy’s first reaction.

Also there was some statue there I forgot to mention. I guess it was worth money and Deadpool wanted to sell it, but Machine Man didn’t because it belonged in a museum or something. So Deadpool leaves the statue next to a passed out Machine Man to protect. Luckily he wakes up before it gets stolen again. SPOILER. oh. I should have said that first.

ANYWAYZ the aliens who blew up the church are still looking for the symbiote and they catch on to his scent and find out that he’s playing “super hero” again. HAHAHAHA NO. THESE BITCHES DON’T EVEN KNOW. He’s playing “mentally ill mercenary who likes to kill people and can’t be killed.” That game is way more fun. It’s like he was playing apples to apples which is mad fun but now he’s playing cards against humanity.

Oh Deadpool, will you ever disappoint me? Is it possible you could? No, No you could not.

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FAV!!

Deadpool Too Soon?

The cover in this book is jam-packed with D-List heroes from the Marvel Universe. Only Deadpool (whataguy) could sell a comic book with Spider-Ham and Forbush Man on the cover.

The book begins with Squirrel Girl just singing along on her bike in the annoying way she does. Do you guys like the squirrel girl comic books? Because she just annoys the crap out of me. I read one thing of hers and no thank you, that was not for me.

The first few pages basically introduce the cast of characters that we have in this story. So far it’s Squirrel Girl, Spider-Ham, The Punisher, Ant-Man (who I love, secretly), Howard the Duck (?), and Forbush Man. Fun Fact: I had no idea who Forbush Man was before this comic book was created. And I am happy that I was able to live such a long beautiful life before knowing this character existed. HOW HIGH WAS THIS CREATOR!? Clearly this person was not using the good stuff.

These characters have all gathered in a haunted mansion’s living room. Squirrel Girl introduces herself by saying she eats nuts and kicks butts. This girl is popular for all the wrong reasons.

THEN Spider-Ham asks the crowd if they know what “defenestrate” means and I had to google it and it means to throw someone out of a window. Amazing. There is a beautiful word for everything in the world. One day I hope to be clever enough to use that word in a sentence.

Oh hey! Rocket and Groot show up out of nowhere and so dramatically that they basically make Howard the Duck shit his pants. Rude.

Finally Deadpool enters with his wife, Death. As it turns out someone had been blackmailing all of these heroes to show up to this location and it doesn’t take a detective to solve the mystery of who it was.

Deadpool. It was Deadpool.

Maybe it was Ryan Reynolds. Also an acceptable answer.

Where does Ryan Reynolds end and Deadpool begin? It’s like Daniel Radcliffe with Harry Potter. The casting is just TOO good.

Anyways, once the D-list heroes find out that Deadpool is the blackmailer they proceed to beat him up. Marvel heroes got issues, mane.

So why did Deadpool blackmail all of these heroes and bring them to this spooky mansion?

WHY FOR HIS CHRISTMAS CARD OF COURSE! Duh!

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Chimichanga does not do the same thing to your face cheese does for pictures just sayin’

As soon as the lights come back on, it seems someone has committed murder. But it’s just the decapitation of Forbush man. BUT ALAS WE HAVE A MYSTERY ON OUR HANDS.

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Literally a stove-top pot on his head.

A classic whodunit?!

Clue meets Ten Little Indians.

I had to read this one about three times before I started to appreciate it and I am going to buy the next issue because I have a feeling the murderer was the squirrel. Not Squirrel Girl, but the actual squirrel she walks around with. They got me with the “solve the mystery” tactic. So, have you read this comic? And if so, who do you guys think it is?!

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Guilty Squirrel

The Baddest Marvel Betches That Need Their Own Movies STAT

Women are people! Women are heroes! Wow! It’s crazy, but it’s true. Women are continuously making strides all around the world, and these triumphs stretch all the way into the comic book universe. Thanks to the successes of Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones and Supergirl headlining movies and TV shows, finally, the women of comic books are proving that anything men can do, women can do, too! Do you remember the epic failures that were Catwoman and Elektra? Well it’s now time that female characters must rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix force, and prove their  worthiness. Wonder Woman made it loud and clear that it is time and Marvel needs to step their game up. In case Marvel needs some help racking their brains for some good leading ladies, I’ve taken it upon myself to brainstorm some awesome women who are ripe for the box office.

wasp

  1. Wasp

Wasp is #10 because it would be hard to do a movie without the original Ant-Man extremely present. Imagine how good a Wasp / Ant-Man movie would be that is set in the 1960s?! There’s tons of “ will they/won’t they” in the beginning of their relationship. Hank didn’t think he was good enough for the rich and beautiful Wasp, while Wasp just wanted him to realize she loves him the way he is. The pair will have audiences rooting for their love all the while Wasp is beating the crap out of bad guys and Hank hangs out in a science lab. Together they save the world and each other. It’s a like a rom-com..ic book movie. It would also be the perfect Ant-Man prequel.

black cat

  1. Black Cat

Felicia Hardy has always been one of my personal favorites, so maybe I’m a little bias about her popularity and ability to draw in a big crowd. Argument in favor: Blade was a D-list comic book character but became an A-list movie. She’s at #9 because any movie that could truly do her justice would have to come with the rating R and I don’t know how cool Disney is with that.  Her origin story cannot leave out her traumatizing rape which compelled her to learn how to fight and later follow in the footsteps of her criminal father. Felicia has got a lot of issues and leaving those things out wouldn’t do the character justice. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, some of the best characters were made in the 90s and early 2000s because they were majorly flawed.

Valkyrie

  1. Valkyrie

So, there are two choices for Valkyrie: Brunnhilde or Samantha. Personally, I say, why not do both? Begin the movie with Brunnhilde being asked to lead a group of warrior goddesses by Odin in Asgard, which leads to some sort of battle where she is slain, but her soul is contained in a mysterious crystal (sound familiar?), where the soul is later combined with the human body of Samantha Parrington. Samantha must now juggle the issues in her old human life with her brand new powers. Voila! I just wrote the elevator pitch.

Spider-Woman

  1. Spider-Woman

Jessica Drew, the best Spider-Woman of all time, IMHO, has one of the most interesting origin stories starting from when she was a child growing up on a uranium farm, to her father injecting her with arachnid’s blood to save his ailing child (From the uranium poison that he brought upon her. The way she discovered her long dormant powers wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for her either. Her struggle to be good or evil is also heavily prevalent. She’s one of the most unique superheroes of all time. Fight me. A movie about her would also be heavy with nerd-gasm inducing cameos by major marvel characters, like her friends Black Widow, Nick Fury and Daredevil…Hmmm if only those characters were relevant today…
carole danvers

  1. Captain Marvel

This feminist icon grew up with a father who treated her as if she were inferior to her two brothers. This girl had to make it on her own, and she did it better than I could. She started by joining the air force and killing it there to becoming head of security at NASA. After working for NASA and being demoted, she wrote a tell-all book about her personal victimization and was villainized afterwards. (I wonder where the writers got that inspiration from?!) Her life is already interesting enough to capture an audience that the story of how she got her Kree powers is almost gratuitous.

J Law

  1. Mystique

Basically any part of Mystique’s life could be recreated into a movie. The problem with Mystique is she’s almost too interesting. Mystique has lived so long and done so much that a movie about her could stretch into being 500 hours long. There could be a movie about how she met Nightcrawler’s demon father while she was married to a Baron. Or the story of how she became the adoptive mother of Rogue. Or how she created her own brotherhood of mutants without the help of Magneto… the point is Mystique has done a lot more than be Magneto’s right hand woman.

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  1. X-23 / Wolverine

She already had an origin story told from Old Man Logan, so I think we need to see her 10 or so years in the future in a spin off movie. Picture this: Laura Kinney dons the Wolverine moniker, fashions a costume of blue and yellow, and takes after good ol’ dad.

Tigra

  1. Tigra

This movie would be so good. As a college sophomore, Greer Nelson drops out of school at the insistence of her lame cop boyfriend only for said cop boyfriend to get killed. This forces her to take a job as a lab assistant. If you work in a science lab you have no choice but to become a superhero, those are just the facts. Tigra gains amazing cat-like abilities, then there is a mysterious explosion where she finds her mentor dead, forcing her to spring into action and find out what really went down and why. I think a good foe for her character would be Kraven the Hunter, since they are both hunters and rely on instinct.

Domino

  1. Domino

This would be such an easy movie to make I’m surprised it hasn’t been done yet! Exactly like Wolverine and Deadpool, she’s a weapon X program gone wrong, and she goes out on her own fighting as a mercenary before finding some friends to team-up with. Birds of a feather make major box-office hits. Neena Thurman is a child born to the US government as basically, a science experiment (normal) but she is one of the only survivors of the experiments (normal), then she was stolen by a cult that worshipped the mutant she got her powers from and was later delivered to a priest where she was raised until her powers formed (abnormal). Okay screenwriters that’s 30 minutes I just gave you right there.

storm

  1. Storm

Ororo Monroe was left homeless and orphaned at 5 years old. Luckily she was found by a street gang and taken under their wing where she became an excellent thief. Who would have thought the resident good girl of the X-Men began her career as a common thief? Ororo was later taken in by a tribe woman after her powers had emerged and this tribe woman taught her to be a hero in a world of evil. She became a goddess to this tribe because ya know she can control weather, and eventually she has to go toe-to-toe with another weather manipulator, Deluge. The movie is already laid out: Parents dead. She’s taken in by someone who trains her. She realizes what she’s been doing is wrong and learns her lesson. She learns to wield her powers. Then proves herself by winning a huge battle where something or someone is saved. And here’s the last scene of the movie:

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Boom.