Spider-Girls #1 comic book recap

OOOOO WEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I picked up a Marvel comic book!

And once I cracked it open, I realized I had no idea what was going on in it because it apparently takes place after a series I am currently not reading, Spider-Geddon #2. SO if you are reading the Spider-Geddon you already know more than me about these Spider-Girls. But I don’t care and I shall plow through this comic book recap with the confidence of a white man.

This comic book is written by Jody Houser. The cover artist is Yasmine Putri…there may be variant cover, but this is the one I got!

Anyways the “Spider-Girls” in this comic book are as follows: May “Mayday” Parker AKA Spider-Woman Earth-982, Anya Corazon (Spider-Girl) and Annie May Parker (Spiderling). Their names are all so similar it is annoying but we will power through! …..With the confidence of white men.

It is briefly explained to us that May and Anya are working on a way to defeat these Spider-eating beings called “Inheritors.” IDK. Apparently it’s a thing. And all these different earths and realities and universes really confuse me, too. Anyways, the two Spider-Girls are lyke “we have to travel to this Earth-Universe-Reality thing that hasn’t been attacked by the Inheritors and find out why.

Which leads us to Annie’s reality. Where she and her father, Spider-Man and her mother, Mary-Jane all fight crime together. Annie has this interesting spider power where she has an extra special spider-sense that allows her to see visions.

Annie, MJ, and Peter are swinging around the city fighting a gang of Vulture kids. They easily take them out and Annie is like monologuing this whole time about how she has a “suped-up spider-sense and she’s been a hero practically her whole life. Um brag much?

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Why does she wear a purse?

Then Peter makes a terrible Wolverine-based “joke”- and I say “joke” because it wasn’t funny, but for some reason it is later referred to as a joke so that is why it needs the quotes.

Anyways after the “joke” Annie blacks out for a second and nearly falls to her death. Luckily her dad is able to scoop her up. They head home to figure out what is making Annie blackout.

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You should write for shouts and murmurs

Anya and May show up in Earth-18119 and Anya immediately remarks that they beat the Inheritors here so that is good. And also that the Spider or Spiders on this Earth, have a deep connection to the “Web of Life.”

The Spider-Girls are having a time enjoying New York City and taking it all in before it is inevitably destroyed like every other NYC the Inheritors have been through. While they’re checking the place out they see a giant image of the family of spiders. And then Anya makes some weird ass comment.

Anya: A whole family of spiders? But that doesn’t look like you! Mayday, are you okay?

And May day is like “yeah I’m totallyyy fine.” But she lyke, is not fine.

BACK AT THE HOME OF THE SPIDERS

Annie’s parents are concerned about her blackouts. And she’s being a defiant little snob. She must be a teenager because she is annoying. Her parents are like “take a break from the superhero routine.” And she’s all “no way, I had a vision that something bad is coming and I need to protect people.” Vomit.

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bad news ur dad is a creep

Also why the heck does Peter Parker have a teenage daughter and still look 18?

Allofasudden she has another vision and she tells her parents to suit up because some shit is going down.

Next scene Anya and May are taking down more vultures. They knock them out and keep swinging, when May falls out of the sky, similarly to how Annie fell out earlier. She falls on a roof so she’s fine, but then this huge Vulture man pops up.

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You aint squashed a damn thing, vulture and you know it!

But before they can fight him, the Spider family shows up to save the day. They immediately decide to team up and they beat the shit out of everybody.

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THWIP! THWAP! THWOP!

After the fight they do introductions and MJ nearly starts crying when she finds out May’s name. Because I guess that her first born died and her name was Mayday Parker. So…WEIRD.

They all head back to the Spider family’s home and Anya and May let them know about the Inheritors.

Anya takes out these spider scrolls she has been carrying around like a yoga mat all day long and Annie is like “This shit is fucking with my visions, hoe.”

And they’re all “Visions? Whhaaa?”

And Annie is like “omg pay attention.”

May is like “Well this means this is the hoe we lookin for because she has a connection to the scrolls.”

Annie is like “I ain’t a hoe.”

Then Mary Jane hides in a  corner and cries and Annie is like “what’s wrong mom, is it weird that your dead alternate daughter is alive and here in your house?”

LIKE, OBVIOUSLY THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG, ANNIE!

Then immediately, Peter and MJ decide to join the Inheritor war in the alternate dimensions, meanwhile they’re just gonna leave their teenage daughter alone in this reality with these two strangers they literally met an hour before and try to figure out some fucking “mystical scrolls!” What sort of parents are these???

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someone call social services

What did ya’ll think of Spider-Girls #1?

I thought it was cute. It seems like it’s going to be a nice, fun read which will be a nice break from the dramatic shit I am currently watching and reading now. Like The Haunting of Hill House. OMFG. That show is the spookiest thing I’ve seen all year. But now I have a nice little comic book to chill me out after screaming for an hour every episode, so that is nice.

 

Avengers + X-Men = Kitty Pryde x Spider-Woman (Lockheed) Solve for Y.

I said I would start 2018 with some bad betches.

Perhaps you could tell by my icon or maybe you could not, but I love Jessica Drew. She is my favorite Spider-Woman.

Sometimes Kitty Pryde bothers me because of her perpetual ponytail, but other than that I’m pretty down with the girl. She rose through those X-Man ranks really quickly…even though she didn’t want to…and for some reason she has a dragon? I didn’t read the story where that happened, I just picked up an X-Men comic one day and BOOM pet dragon. I’ve accepted it and you should, too.

So based on the prologue one thing you should know is that Lockheed the dragon is in love with Spider-Woman. I must have also missed that story where they fell in love, but she does bring it up later and apparently they met in space. (Bare with me.) (Bear?)

So the story begins and it turns out that Lockheed has a cell phone because he and Spider-Woman were texting and decided that the three of them should head into the city and save some shit.

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I wonder who his provider is?

In this case, shit is a precious metal from space that S.W.O.R.D and the Russian Mafia are after.

I must bring to light that Kitty is acting like a real twat right now because she’s mad that Spider-Woman woke her up on a “school night.” Bitch, you a superhero.

Anyways Spider-Woman “woke her up” because Lockheed can sniff out space metals. What, like it’s hard?

Lockheed catches the scent and they’re off, but not without Kitty snarling off about hoping Spider-Woman and Lockheed both get fired from S.W.O.R.D. Methinks thou doth protest too much, but your story is being written by a man, therefore there will be a lot of limits to your personality. Not your fault, girl.

So they discover that Absorbing Man has the magic metal and the ladies mull their mutual disgust over him choosing to not wear a shirt. Listen men, if you won’t respect yourselves don’t expect us to respect you.

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WOOOWWW you deserve whatever harassment you get with that much showing off.

Lockheed attacks some men in hazmat yellow suits from above, and clearly these suits are inflammable. Which means flammable. Confusing, right?

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“Inflammable”

Kitty can’t stop talking about her students even during battle, and while she mulls over ideas for her “other” occupation we get an obligatory butt shot right before she grabs the space rock.

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That’s quite a spinal column, Jessica.

Kitty: Hey, Jessica, is this rock radioactive?

Jessica: Are you holding it?

Kitty: …YES!

Jessica: Then NOPE.

We move forward, although I don’t necessarily believe Spider-Woman’s information about the radioactivity within this rock.

The Absorbing Man, tries to grab the rock from Kitty, but he can’t because she’s made it “intangible,” which does, in fact, mean “not tangible.” Confusing. She then puts it inside a solid pillar that is helping to hold up the New York subway station they are fighting inside of, so they can “talk.”

But he doesn’t want to talk, which is not at all surprising because he’s not one of those smart villians that thinks things through, he’s one of those ‘fight first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Which makes his next move, to throw a wrecking ball that he keeps chained to his body into the pillar to grab the radioactive space rock metal thing in-surprising.

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Woops.

Kitty lets him absorb the rock and I think she does this because she wanted to deliver this line.

Kitty: You know , if you REALLY want to improve yourself, how about absorbing a book.

HA. Got ’em.

On the other side of the subway, Spider-Woman is climbing on the walls while men in hazmat suits run from her. What she has done to make them run from her is unknown. Then she’s like, “um, did you let him absorb the rock like exactly what I told you not to do?”

And Kitty’s like “yes, but only because I have some fancy new power gains that I need to show off.”

So, she goes off into this long monologue about how fear had kept her from really using her powers until she take off her gloves and puts her hand on Absorbing Man’s head and reaches into his brain to stop the blood flow. Which makes the metal stop working in his body.

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Now you better really hope that shit ain’t radioactive.

He passes out and Kitty starts giving commands to Hydra agents (who were there the whole time and I didn’t mention them because they just stood around until this scene…) and also the hazmat guys to clean up all the rubble and to move Absorbing Man’s body to another location.

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What have you been doing this WHOLE TIME, Hydra?

Spider-Woman has her glowing rock no thanks to herself but all thanks to Kitty. So she thanks Kitty for “helping.” When really she did all of the work.

Kitty’s like “whatever bitch, I’m going home.”

And Spider-Woman is like “I emit a pheromone that makes women uncomfortable.”

And Kitty is like “Nah that ain’t why I don’t like you, but still consider us to be friends.”

Then the real trouble arises when Kitty asks Lockheed who he is going home with.

Unfortunately that is a mystery that the writer has allowed you to figure out for yourself. That writing technique is either very lazy or very smart.

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Did the top ever stop spinning? 

Have your read this issue yet? Did you continue reading the part where Hawkeye and Deadpool go on a small adventure? I didn’t. But I will after I post this and maybe I’ll throw in an extra review this week and put that little storyline in, too.

Avengers + X-Men is the perfect go-to for any Marvel fan that doesn’t have the time to get invested in a crazy ass storyline. You can literally pick up any issue and a small adventure with your favorite characters will charm your pants off. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Rating: 4 billion stars out of a possible 3 billion.

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In-impressed with your bullshit.

The Baddest Marvel Betches That Need Their Own Movies STAT

Women are people! Women are heroes! Wow! It’s crazy, but it’s true. Women are continuously making strides all around the world, and these triumphs stretch all the way into the comic book universe. Thanks to the successes of Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones and Supergirl headlining movies and TV shows, finally, the women of comic books are proving that anything men can do, women can do, too! Do you remember the epic failures that were Catwoman and Elektra? Well it’s now time that female characters must rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix force, and prove their  worthiness. Wonder Woman made it loud and clear that it is time and Marvel needs to step their game up. In case Marvel needs some help racking their brains for some good leading ladies, I’ve taken it upon myself to brainstorm some awesome women who are ripe for the box office.

wasp

  1. Wasp

Wasp is #10 because it would be hard to do a movie without the original Ant-Man extremely present. Imagine how good a Wasp / Ant-Man movie would be that is set in the 1960s?! There’s tons of “ will they/won’t they” in the beginning of their relationship. Hank didn’t think he was good enough for the rich and beautiful Wasp, while Wasp just wanted him to realize she loves him the way he is. The pair will have audiences rooting for their love all the while Wasp is beating the crap out of bad guys and Hank hangs out in a science lab. Together they save the world and each other. It’s a like a rom-com..ic book movie. It would also be the perfect Ant-Man prequel.

black cat

  1. Black Cat

Felicia Hardy has always been one of my personal favorites, so maybe I’m a little bias about her popularity and ability to draw in a big crowd. Argument in favor: Blade was a D-list comic book character but became an A-list movie. She’s at #9 because any movie that could truly do her justice would have to come with the rating R and I don’t know how cool Disney is with that.  Her origin story cannot leave out her traumatizing rape which compelled her to learn how to fight and later follow in the footsteps of her criminal father. Felicia has got a lot of issues and leaving those things out wouldn’t do the character justice. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, some of the best characters were made in the 90s and early 2000s because they were majorly flawed.

Valkyrie

  1. Valkyrie

So, there are two choices for Valkyrie: Brunnhilde or Samantha. Personally, I say, why not do both? Begin the movie with Brunnhilde being asked to lead a group of warrior goddesses by Odin in Asgard, which leads to some sort of battle where she is slain, but her soul is contained in a mysterious crystal (sound familiar?), where the soul is later combined with the human body of Samantha Parrington. Samantha must now juggle the issues in her old human life with her brand new powers. Voila! I just wrote the elevator pitch.

Spider-Woman

  1. Spider-Woman

Jessica Drew, the best Spider-Woman of all time, IMHO, has one of the most interesting origin stories starting from when she was a child growing up on a uranium farm, to her father injecting her with arachnid’s blood to save his ailing child (From the uranium poison that he brought upon her. The way she discovered her long dormant powers wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for her either. Her struggle to be good or evil is also heavily prevalent. She’s one of the most unique superheroes of all time. Fight me. A movie about her would also be heavy with nerd-gasm inducing cameos by major marvel characters, like her friends Black Widow, Nick Fury and Daredevil…Hmmm if only those characters were relevant today…
carole danvers

  1. Captain Marvel

This feminist icon grew up with a father who treated her as if she were inferior to her two brothers. This girl had to make it on her own, and she did it better than I could. She started by joining the air force and killing it there to becoming head of security at NASA. After working for NASA and being demoted, she wrote a tell-all book about her personal victimization and was villainized afterwards. (I wonder where the writers got that inspiration from?!) Her life is already interesting enough to capture an audience that the story of how she got her Kree powers is almost gratuitous.

J Law

  1. Mystique

Basically any part of Mystique’s life could be recreated into a movie. The problem with Mystique is she’s almost too interesting. Mystique has lived so long and done so much that a movie about her could stretch into being 500 hours long. There could be a movie about how she met Nightcrawler’s demon father while she was married to a Baron. Or the story of how she became the adoptive mother of Rogue. Or how she created her own brotherhood of mutants without the help of Magneto… the point is Mystique has done a lot more than be Magneto’s right hand woman.

X-2302

  1. X-23 / Wolverine

She already had an origin story told from Old Man Logan, so I think we need to see her 10 or so years in the future in a spin off movie. Picture this: Laura Kinney dons the Wolverine moniker, fashions a costume of blue and yellow, and takes after good ol’ dad.

Tigra

  1. Tigra

This movie would be so good. As a college sophomore, Greer Nelson drops out of school at the insistence of her lame cop boyfriend only for said cop boyfriend to get killed. This forces her to take a job as a lab assistant. If you work in a science lab you have no choice but to become a superhero, those are just the facts. Tigra gains amazing cat-like abilities, then there is a mysterious explosion where she finds her mentor dead, forcing her to spring into action and find out what really went down and why. I think a good foe for her character would be Kraven the Hunter, since they are both hunters and rely on instinct.

Domino

  1. Domino

This would be such an easy movie to make I’m surprised it hasn’t been done yet! Exactly like Wolverine and Deadpool, she’s a weapon X program gone wrong, and she goes out on her own fighting as a mercenary before finding some friends to team-up with. Birds of a feather make major box-office hits. Neena Thurman is a child born to the US government as basically, a science experiment (normal) but she is one of the only survivors of the experiments (normal), then she was stolen by a cult that worshipped the mutant she got her powers from and was later delivered to a priest where she was raised until her powers formed (abnormal). Okay screenwriters that’s 30 minutes I just gave you right there.

storm

  1. Storm

Ororo Monroe was left homeless and orphaned at 5 years old. Luckily she was found by a street gang and taken under their wing where she became an excellent thief. Who would have thought the resident good girl of the X-Men began her career as a common thief? Ororo was later taken in by a tribe woman after her powers had emerged and this tribe woman taught her to be a hero in a world of evil. She became a goddess to this tribe because ya know she can control weather, and eventually she has to go toe-to-toe with another weather manipulator, Deluge. The movie is already laid out: Parents dead. She’s taken in by someone who trains her. She realizes what she’s been doing is wrong and learns her lesson. She learns to wield her powers. Then proves herself by winning a huge battle where something or someone is saved. And here’s the last scene of the movie:

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Boom.