X-Men Red #1 Comic Book Review

I thought I had bought this comic book 20 times on accident because the complete cover is advertised on the back of every single Marvel Comic Book so far from 2018. It seems that Marvel really, really wants us to buy this one. So I figured it was important and picked it up.

X-Men Red is written by Tom Taylor and drawn by Mahmud Asrar. In this book, Jean Grey has risen from the Phoenix ashes and now leads an all-star cast of mutants, including Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Gentle, Namor, Trinary, and Honey Badger.

 

party squad
Squaddddd!!!!

 

The book begins with Jean waking up a little girl in the middle of the night. (creep) But not physically, but by speaking to her through her mind. (creep)

The little girl is warned that “They’re coming.” And sure enough, an angry mob carrying tiki torches busts down her house’s door. She jumps out of bed and out of her bedroom window onto the roof. All of these mob people, and it should be noted that they’re all white, are chasing after this little Asian girl calling her a “mutant.”

 

little girl jumps off roof
YES! IT WILL TAKE 40 PEOPLE AT LEAST TO TAKE DOWN THIS 60lb CHILD!!

 

She jumps off the roof and lands on the wet grass in the rain and starts running from the mob. She loses her footing somehow and the mob surrounds her. She pleads with them claiming that she is not a mutant, (liar) but her mom walks out with a gun in her hand and points it right at her daughter (cause she knows this lil bitch lyin right now). The little girl is like “wtf?! MOM!” And the mom DGAF and her and her mob friends start shooting their guns at her, because one gun couldn’t have taken out an 8-year-old girl, no at least five guns shot multiple times is necessary. Ask any unarmed black kid ever.

Luckily Jean Grey shows up with Nightcrawler and Wolverine and she uses her telekinesis or whatever and was able to stop the bullets with her mind.

 

saving babies
If the kid was running through muddy grass, how are her feet clean? Is this part of her mutant power? I guess we’ll find out…

 

Nightcrawler BAMFs them out of there and into Searebro, which is a place that a giant great white shark lives. The shark immediately tries to eat the little girl and she’s like “AHHH!” Then Honey Badger is all “that’s Harold, he won’t hurt you.” Ya fucking right Honey Badger.

Jean Grey addresses the little girl as “Heather.” She lets her know that she is safe with them now.

This book is Part 1 and it is titled: Heal The World. BY THE WAY.

Two months earlier a woman is minding her own business driving a car around Roosevelt Island in NYC when she gets carjacked by two thugs in masks with guns. Unfortunately for the thugs, the woman’s mutant baby is in the backseat and he freaks the fuck out. The baby’s cries are problematic. His cries manage to burst the windows of the car and all surrounding buildings.

Wolverine and Honey Badger are on the case. Honey Badger covers her ears with her hands while Wolverine simply bleeds from her ears. They reach the car and Wolverine puts her hand over the baby’s mouth which just makes it worse and the baby really freaks out. The scream is so piercing that the skin on Wolverine’s hand, where she placed it over his mouth, completely melts off.

Jean shows up and saves the day again. Like who needs heroes when we have Jean Grey? She’s really all we need. She calms the baby down and returns the baby to his mom and adds a psychic suggestion to the baby’s brain that he not cry so much. How about never, Jean?

 

jean grey clutches black baby
Enviable thigh-gap, terrible outfit.

 

Jean warns the mom that there will be public fallout from his screaming. Because if the baby ain’t a fetus it loses its rights.

The next scene is the news, both sides are arguing over the baby’s right to live. Like I said, once the fetus leaves the womb, it has no rights. Especially cause this baby is black. I should highlight this.

Jean Grey decides that she wants to change the world, so she travels all around the world getting people to help her cause. She also decides that she is not smart enough to heal the world, which is the smartest thing she could possibly decide so she gathers every genius that she can into one room and blows them all up.

I’m kidding.

She digs through their brains searching for ideas to “heal the world.”

Then she walks over to a cliff and calls Nightcrawler over to her with her thoughts. He BAMFs to her and she tells him to look over the cliff because she wants to share an idea with him. He goes to look and then she pushes him off the cliff.

I’m kidding.

No, he starts crying because the idea she shows him is so beautiful it brings him to tears. He offers to help her to make this idea a reality and she’s like “great, next step is I need to head to Atlantis.”

 

crybaby
blue crying baby ass bitch

 

So she goes to Atlantis wearing a zip-up hoodie, biker shorts, and dirty ass sneakers. She clearly is not trying to impress Namor and his 8-pack. She lets him know that she needs his help and he’s like “Bitch, Imma king, Ain’t nobody got time for dat.”

Then she’s like “I’m headed to the United Nations and I need a country to be behind me.”

And he’s like “is that all?! Well, okay.”

 

Should I have called first You could have put on pants at least
Probably cause you won’t even put on pants for them. 

 

So she heads on down to the United Nations wherever that is. Apparently, it is in New York City. Idk.

Jean walks up like a boss in a hot suit with her cleavage showing subtly in one frame then her tits are all out there in the next frame. Apparently, as she gets heated during arguments sometimes buttons fall open or something. She asks all the United Nations if mutants can be their own nation and if she can represent them. Her boobs seem to only impress the fake countries of Atlantis and Wakanda since they’re the only ones that stand up to acknowledge “the mutant nation.”

The Ambassador from the UK follows Jean Grey out of the hall once she’s done making her statement and they speak. It gets a little creepy because the UK ambassador starts saying weird shit like “you are not the Phoenix Jean Grey anymore you cannot rise” and shit especially got weird when her head exploded.

 

crunch
This picture isn’t doing the tits justice, but trust me they are there.

 

Obviously, it looked like Jean made her head explode, so the SWAT team that is there shoots her. But Namor jumps in front of her and stops the bullets with his chic bracelets a la Wonder Woman. I “Wonder” if he borrowed them? Heh. So Wolverine slices the gun the SWAT guy is holding in half then Nightcrawler swoops in and says we gotta go.

BAMF.

It turns out Cassandra Nova was behind the UK woman’s head exploding and was also inside her head controlling the shit she does.

You know how earlier I said that Jean was the only hero we need because she can beat anyone. Well, I guess Tom Taylor decided to give her a match worth fighting.

 

Doless Cassie
I almost uploaded a photo of Bullseye. Would anyone have noticed?

 

SCURRY.

How do you guys like the Red series so far?

What else are you reading?

Do you want me to read something first and then tell you your own opinions on it by letting you know my opinion?

Leave it in the comments and I’ll be sure to pick it up next Wednesday.

In the meantime, you can look forward to something other than Marvel the next two weeks because…wait for it…

I’M RECAPPING KICK-ASS AND HIT-GIRL!!!

YUP. Image type shit in this betch!!

You won’t want to miss it! Same time, same place: Next Saturday at 2 pm CT!!!!!!!

 

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Rogue & Gambit

I know guys. Hold your applause.

I went to my local comic book store for the first time in at least a few months and it was just so exciting to be inside one again. I usually get my comic books off of the Marvel app and before that was Comixology. Anyways, I went in and they were open an extra hour longer than usual because it was Wednesday. (New Comic Book day for any n00bs out there.) And lucky for me because they usually close at 7 pm and I came waltzing in at 7:15. They had some good shit, but not as good as my old comic book store in NYC. I recently moved to Chicago and these stores are nothing like Forbidden Planet, but really who could compare to that store? I am just grateful this one is in walking distance from my stately manse where I reside in the town of boys.

Also! I took a weird way home today after my visit and found another comic book shop within walking distance so I will have to check out that place next Wednesday. I think I might start buying paperbacks only again, I go through phases of digital and paper. But how will I ever sell my comic book collection to make my first movie a la Kevin Smith if I only have digital copies of shit?

Okay, sorry about that “dear diary” bull sh*t. Let’s get into it.

FIRST OF ALL, Kelly Thompson wrote this shit, so I have high expectations okurr? I’m also digging the art so shouts to the artist, Pere Perez, too.

This story starts with a brief, but beautiful collection of art that depicts the past tumultuous romance between Rogue and Gambit.

IMG_0957
Aww! She’s gonna punch him!

#TrueLove

We get a brief prologue of a few rando mutants who are for some reason running low on their powers and running away from something scary chasing them. We don’t get to see what is chasing them because allofasudden we’re on the next page and good ol’ Storm is sitting at the control of the danger room in full costume.

storm in full costume
“Ayy, nice cape.” “Ditto.”

I’ll never understand capes.

They don’t seem conducive for hand-to-hand combat, but I can see why they might be necessary for someone like Storm, because she basically wears a bathing suit as her costume, so if she gets cold she can use it as a blanket. Gambit is another story entirely.

So, Gambit comes strolling into the control room and he calls Storm “Stormy.” You know like the porn star that Trump had an affair with, or if you prefer like the baby Kylie Jenner birthed, whom she named after a porn star. ALL NORMAL THINGS.

Storm is like “don’t call me that you fu*king goon.” Then Gambit is all “No.” Then Storm is like “Rogue is in the danger room playing with Sentinals” So Gambit responds in the most Gambit-y way ever,

“Deal me in.”

Swoon.

He joins Pixie, Psylocke, Armor, and Rogue in the danger room. They fight this thing for what I imagine is about 10 seconds before a Sentinal smashes Rogue into the ground and Gambit flips out. Everyone is like “She has the powers of a Kree, dummy, she can handle this shit.” But he still swoops in on her dramatically to show that he loves her.

 

Rogue-Gambit-1-2
Tell ‘im boy, bye

 

 

Why do dudes show up in your life like this all the time? What is going on in-between their relationship with the girl they always go back to? THAT’S what I want to know.

Armor is like, “this is awkward let’s get the heck out of here.” Then Pixie is a creep and a half and she’s like “omg this is so hot.” And Psylocke is like “Let me tell you all about their relationship, ladies.” So they leave them on the floor with their googly eyes staring at each other.

But, Rogue for some reason does not want to get laid this day, so she pushes him off of her and he follows her out. Then he invites her to dinner and Rogue is like “no, weeee are never ever ever getting back togetherrr!”

But he won’t stop hounding her because he has no respect for women, so she hits him with the “I can’t control my powers anymore so we can’t touch” And now I know why she doesn’t want to get laid today because she physically cannot. That’s a really great excuse if you’re Rogue though. “Sorry, I can’t date you because if I kiss you, I could kill you. Bye.” It’s like when a girl you’re trying to get with tells you she’s been on her period for two years.

Did you forget about the brief prologue with the rando mutants? Ya me too.

So here’s why that whole thing happened.

Kitty calls Rogue into her office and tells her about a mission she wants Rogue to go on.

A private retreat that promises to free mutants of their “Trauma” V suspicious.

Also, I should note that Kitty’s ponytail is gone. Great news because this woman has to be like 35 by now.

 

kitty-pryde
Where’s ur dragunnn?

 

The retreat is for mutant couples I guess, so that means Rogue and Gambit have to go. And it works extra well because it’s for couples with problems. Nice.

They fly out on a private jet with champagne, and we finally understand why Gambit has come back.

Rogue kissed Deadpool. Amazing. Gambit heard about it from the other mutants and his pride is very hurt because Deadpool “doesn’t even have a face.”

careful what you say friend
Careful what you say, friend.

Rogue is like “I did not kiss him, I made out with him. And it was awesome.”

I’ll bet. Ryan Reynolds with or without scars, I’ll take it.

So they land, and before I go on I have to talk about this bitch’s outfit. Thigh-high leather boots, leather gloves up to her armpits and a bright green mini dress. NO way is that the least bit attractive. Gambit is wearing a normal short sleeve button up, a fitted pair of shorts and reasonable sneakers. And they’re landing here undercover, that shit is not undercover Rogue! She looks like a sex worker. No offense to sex workers.

 

ho rogue
SRSLY?

 

Immediately upon landing, they meet this woman with a boring beige outfit who spices up her look with an ascot. Nice touch. And she senses their tension immediately, so the plan is working I guess.

They find their bungalow and it’s gorgeous. There’s champagne on the bed and you can see the ocean from the floor. They go outside and their neighbors swim over their gorgeous bungalow to say hello. They make plans to go for drinks later and Rogue is like “there’s something off about them, they’re nice.”

 

mind control
Bitch, they can hear you.

 

Fair assumption.

Gambit calls her cynical, but that’s because he’s dumb.

They head to their therapy session and Remy is like, “Rogue, this could really help us. I want to be with you, but you need to want to be with me, too.” And “Rogue is like, we’ll see.”

Then This Happens.

 

then this happens
Nice chest, also great rack. #equality

 

I can’t wait to read #2! Then #3 and I think that’s as far as it is out right now, but I’m not sure. I’m way late on this. If you’re not reading this series, I heard it only gets better and better. Also, let’s support Kelly Thompson as she is becoming a literal hero of mine and my favorite storyteller at Marvel.

Next Week – It’s Old Man Hawkeye #1. Cause you know how much I love Hawkeye. 🙂

 

 

Avengers + X-Men = Kitty Pryde x Spider-Woman (Lockheed) Solve for Y.

I said I would start 2018 with some bad betches.

Perhaps you could tell by my icon or maybe you could not, but I love Jessica Drew. She is my favorite Spider-Woman.

Sometimes Kitty Pryde bothers me because of her perpetual ponytail, but other than that I’m pretty down with the girl. She rose through those X-Man ranks really quickly…even though she didn’t want to…and for some reason she has a dragon? I didn’t read the story where that happened, I just picked up an X-Men comic one day and BOOM pet dragon. I’ve accepted it and you should, too.

So based on the prologue one thing you should know is that Lockheed the dragon is in love with Spider-Woman. I must have also missed that story where they fell in love, but she does bring it up later and apparently they met in space. (Bare with me.) (Bear?)

So the story begins and it turns out that Lockheed has a cell phone because he and Spider-Woman were texting and decided that the three of them should head into the city and save some shit.

IMG_0737
I wonder who his provider is?

In this case, shit is a precious metal from space that S.W.O.R.D and the Russian Mafia are after.

I must bring to light that Kitty is acting like a real twat right now because she’s mad that Spider-Woman woke her up on a “school night.” Bitch, you a superhero.

Anyways Spider-Woman “woke her up” because Lockheed can sniff out space metals. What, like it’s hard?

Lockheed catches the scent and they’re off, but not without Kitty snarling off about hoping Spider-Woman and Lockheed both get fired from S.W.O.R.D. Methinks thou doth protest too much, but your story is being written by a man, therefore there will be a lot of limits to your personality. Not your fault, girl.

So they discover that Absorbing Man has the magic metal and the ladies mull their mutual disgust over him choosing to not wear a shirt. Listen men, if you won’t respect yourselves don’t expect us to respect you.

img_0736-e1517102295700.png
WOOOWWW you deserve whatever harassment you get with that much showing off.

Lockheed attacks some men in hazmat yellow suits from above, and clearly these suits are inflammable. Which means flammable. Confusing, right?

IMG_0738
“Inflammable”

Kitty can’t stop talking about her students even during battle, and while she mulls over ideas for her “other” occupation we get an obligatory butt shot right before she grabs the space rock.

IMG_0739
That’s quite a spinal column, Jessica.

Kitty: Hey, Jessica, is this rock radioactive?

Jessica: Are you holding it?

Kitty: …YES!

Jessica: Then NOPE.

We move forward, although I don’t necessarily believe Spider-Woman’s information about the radioactivity within this rock.

The Absorbing Man, tries to grab the rock from Kitty, but he can’t because she’s made it “intangible,” which does, in fact, mean “not tangible.” Confusing. She then puts it inside a solid pillar that is helping to hold up the New York subway station they are fighting inside of, so they can “talk.”

But he doesn’t want to talk, which is not at all surprising because he’s not one of those smart villians that thinks things through, he’s one of those ‘fight first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Which makes his next move, to throw a wrecking ball that he keeps chained to his body into the pillar to grab the radioactive space rock metal thing in-surprising.

IMG_0740
Woops.

Kitty lets him absorb the rock and I think she does this because she wanted to deliver this line.

Kitty: You know , if you REALLY want to improve yourself, how about absorbing a book.

HA. Got ’em.

On the other side of the subway, Spider-Woman is climbing on the walls while men in hazmat suits run from her. What she has done to make them run from her is unknown. Then she’s like, “um, did you let him absorb the rock like exactly what I told you not to do?”

And Kitty’s like “yes, but only because I have some fancy new power gains that I need to show off.”

So, she goes off into this long monologue about how fear had kept her from really using her powers until she take off her gloves and puts her hand on Absorbing Man’s head and reaches into his brain to stop the blood flow. Which makes the metal stop working in his body.

IMG_0741
Now you better really hope that shit ain’t radioactive.

He passes out and Kitty starts giving commands to Hydra agents (who were there the whole time and I didn’t mention them because they just stood around until this scene…) and also the hazmat guys to clean up all the rubble and to move Absorbing Man’s body to another location.

IMG_0745
What have you been doing this WHOLE TIME, Hydra?

Spider-Woman has her glowing rock no thanks to herself but all thanks to Kitty. So she thanks Kitty for “helping.” When really she did all of the work.

Kitty’s like “whatever bitch, I’m going home.”

And Spider-Woman is like “I emit a pheromone that makes women uncomfortable.”

And Kitty is like “Nah that ain’t why I don’t like you, but still consider us to be friends.”

Then the real trouble arises when Kitty asks Lockheed who he is going home with.

Unfortunately that is a mystery that the writer has allowed you to figure out for yourself. That writing technique is either very lazy or very smart.

IMG_0747
Did the top ever stop spinning? 

Have your read this issue yet? Did you continue reading the part where Hawkeye and Deadpool go on a small adventure? I didn’t. But I will after I post this and maybe I’ll throw in an extra review this week and put that little storyline in, too.

Avengers + X-Men is the perfect go-to for any Marvel fan that doesn’t have the time to get invested in a crazy ass storyline. You can literally pick up any issue and a small adventure with your favorite characters will charm your pants off. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Rating: 4 billion stars out of a possible 3 billion.

IMG_0746
In-impressed with your bullshit.

Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

fighting ninjas

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Laura has a sword in her

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

x-23 describes why she is there
Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

bad joke about the dresses
If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

ninjas don't carry cell phones

SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!

This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

laura tackles sabretooth out of the window

OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.

So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Wolverine flies out of plane

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

laura gives a stern talking to Logan
Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.

Respect.

 

STAR*LORD #1

This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.

Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.

Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.

IMG_0402
She literally walked in and kicked him in the shin. WTF. This bitch cray

So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.

IMG_0403
breathe, dude

Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.

I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.

So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.

IMG_0404
He’s so wittle

MEANWHILE

At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!

Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.

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See they both don’t feel welcome on this Earth. BEST FRIENDS

Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.

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I have the same pair; they’re from Zara.

Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.

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Adorbs

Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.

Aaaaannddd he gets arrested.  The end.

INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!

This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.

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lil bub

The Baddest Marvel Betches That Need Their Own Movies STAT

Women are people! Women are heroes! Wow! It’s crazy, but it’s true. Women are continuously making strides all around the world, and these triumphs stretch all the way into the comic book universe. Thanks to the successes of Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones and Supergirl headlining movies and TV shows, finally, the women of comic books are proving that anything men can do, women can do, too! Do you remember the epic failures that were Catwoman and Elektra? Well it’s now time that female characters must rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix force, and prove their  worthiness. Wonder Woman made it loud and clear that it is time and Marvel needs to step their game up. In case Marvel needs some help racking their brains for some good leading ladies, I’ve taken it upon myself to brainstorm some awesome women who are ripe for the box office.

wasp

  1. Wasp

Wasp is #10 because it would be hard to do a movie without the original Ant-Man extremely present. Imagine how good a Wasp / Ant-Man movie would be that is set in the 1960s?! There’s tons of “ will they/won’t they” in the beginning of their relationship. Hank didn’t think he was good enough for the rich and beautiful Wasp, while Wasp just wanted him to realize she loves him the way he is. The pair will have audiences rooting for their love all the while Wasp is beating the crap out of bad guys and Hank hangs out in a science lab. Together they save the world and each other. It’s a like a rom-com..ic book movie. It would also be the perfect Ant-Man prequel.

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  1. Black Cat

Felicia Hardy has always been one of my personal favorites, so maybe I’m a little bias about her popularity and ability to draw in a big crowd. Argument in favor: Blade was a D-list comic book character but became an A-list movie. She’s at #9 because any movie that could truly do her justice would have to come with the rating R and I don’t know how cool Disney is with that.  Her origin story cannot leave out her traumatizing rape which compelled her to learn how to fight and later follow in the footsteps of her criminal father. Felicia has got a lot of issues and leaving those things out wouldn’t do the character justice. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, some of the best characters were made in the 90s and early 2000s because they were majorly flawed.

Valkyrie

  1. Valkyrie

So, there are two choices for Valkyrie: Brunnhilde or Samantha. Personally, I say, why not do both? Begin the movie with Brunnhilde being asked to lead a group of warrior goddesses by Odin in Asgard, which leads to some sort of battle where she is slain, but her soul is contained in a mysterious crystal (sound familiar?), where the soul is later combined with the human body of Samantha Parrington. Samantha must now juggle the issues in her old human life with her brand new powers. Voila! I just wrote the elevator pitch.

Spider-Woman

  1. Spider-Woman

Jessica Drew, the best Spider-Woman of all time, IMHO, has one of the most interesting origin stories starting from when she was a child growing up on a uranium farm, to her father injecting her with arachnid’s blood to save his ailing child (From the uranium poison that he brought upon her. The way she discovered her long dormant powers wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for her either. Her struggle to be good or evil is also heavily prevalent. She’s one of the most unique superheroes of all time. Fight me. A movie about her would also be heavy with nerd-gasm inducing cameos by major marvel characters, like her friends Black Widow, Nick Fury and Daredevil…Hmmm if only those characters were relevant today…
carole danvers

  1. Captain Marvel

This feminist icon grew up with a father who treated her as if she were inferior to her two brothers. This girl had to make it on her own, and she did it better than I could. She started by joining the air force and killing it there to becoming head of security at NASA. After working for NASA and being demoted, she wrote a tell-all book about her personal victimization and was villainized afterwards. (I wonder where the writers got that inspiration from?!) Her life is already interesting enough to capture an audience that the story of how she got her Kree powers is almost gratuitous.

J Law

  1. Mystique

Basically any part of Mystique’s life could be recreated into a movie. The problem with Mystique is she’s almost too interesting. Mystique has lived so long and done so much that a movie about her could stretch into being 500 hours long. There could be a movie about how she met Nightcrawler’s demon father while she was married to a Baron. Or the story of how she became the adoptive mother of Rogue. Or how she created her own brotherhood of mutants without the help of Magneto… the point is Mystique has done a lot more than be Magneto’s right hand woman.

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  1. X-23 / Wolverine

She already had an origin story told from Old Man Logan, so I think we need to see her 10 or so years in the future in a spin off movie. Picture this: Laura Kinney dons the Wolverine moniker, fashions a costume of blue and yellow, and takes after good ol’ dad.

Tigra

  1. Tigra

This movie would be so good. As a college sophomore, Greer Nelson drops out of school at the insistence of her lame cop boyfriend only for said cop boyfriend to get killed. This forces her to take a job as a lab assistant. If you work in a science lab you have no choice but to become a superhero, those are just the facts. Tigra gains amazing cat-like abilities, then there is a mysterious explosion where she finds her mentor dead, forcing her to spring into action and find out what really went down and why. I think a good foe for her character would be Kraven the Hunter, since they are both hunters and rely on instinct.

Domino

  1. Domino

This would be such an easy movie to make I’m surprised it hasn’t been done yet! Exactly like Wolverine and Deadpool, she’s a weapon X program gone wrong, and she goes out on her own fighting as a mercenary before finding some friends to team-up with. Birds of a feather make major box-office hits. Neena Thurman is a child born to the US government as basically, a science experiment (normal) but she is one of the only survivors of the experiments (normal), then she was stolen by a cult that worshipped the mutant she got her powers from and was later delivered to a priest where she was raised until her powers formed (abnormal). Okay screenwriters that’s 30 minutes I just gave you right there.

storm

  1. Storm

Ororo Monroe was left homeless and orphaned at 5 years old. Luckily she was found by a street gang and taken under their wing where she became an excellent thief. Who would have thought the resident good girl of the X-Men began her career as a common thief? Ororo was later taken in by a tribe woman after her powers had emerged and this tribe woman taught her to be a hero in a world of evil. She became a goddess to this tribe because ya know she can control weather, and eventually she has to go toe-to-toe with another weather manipulator, Deluge. The movie is already laid out: Parents dead. She’s taken in by someone who trains her. She realizes what she’s been doing is wrong and learns her lesson. She learns to wield her powers. Then proves herself by winning a huge battle where something or someone is saved. And here’s the last scene of the movie:

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Boom.